Freaky For Jesus

2010-08-14T15:40:00.002-04:00

Romans 10

One of my callings, well, my main calling is to share what God has, is and will do in my life whether it has been a painful process or happy. I rejoice in all of it! I grow stronger in Spirit and closer to my God. My faith grows. I want those with ears to hear what God has done in this meager young woman's life. I want anyone with ears to hear to be encouraged not by the circumstances in my life but how I have reacted and where I have turned when circumstances have come up. It is my desire to let it be seen that none of us are alone. We all go through storms and there are many types of storms and levels of severity. Some are tropical. Some are freezing. Some are calm with silence. Some are heavy and pounding. Emotions come along with those storms...fear, excitement, coldness, anger and so on. Some are light like a misty rain while others are heavy and overwhelming while the hail pounds on my body creating dents in my armor. (Ephesians 6:10-18) Shelter must be found quickly before I am trapped in the storm of my sins on the ground. I run to the one shelter I can count on completely. That is in the shadow of my Lord. (Psalm 91)

My most recent storm has been the most brutal inwardly. I saw the dark clouds coming. It's not as if the Lord did not warn me to begin to prepare. I ignored it. I was in denial. I didn't want to face my sin of not being a good steward of God's money. Bottom line. I have never been good with money. And when I can't pay bills I ignore them and pretend they don't exist. This time there was no hiding. It was time for me to face the storm I myself had created and repent and repenting did not mean just saying it or walking away from that sin. It meant also becoming an active part in rectifying it and rejoicing in the consequences. Using it to grow stronger. I am in the middle of this storm now, but I am sheltered. I have a student loan and it is coming out of my pay check. At first I freaked out. Broke down at work. Got angry. Blamed my ex husband. In suffering the consequences God is also asking me to quietly sit back and be OK with any injustices where my ex husband is concerned. Just as Jesus never said anything. I must step back and let God deal with him and work out my personal salvation and do as God shows me.

He's promised me He won't leave me hanging. He is right there by my side through all of this. As a good, disciplinary Father, He is also not fixing the situation for me. There is a huge mountain, or should I say I perceived it as huge, standing in front of me. God is quite capable of moving that mountain and has told me so but has chosen not to. Instead, He is showing me how to climb it so that I may grow stronger in my faith. So that I may be ready for His callings on my life in music and writing. I have seen what He wants me to do...bits and pieces of it. It is going to be big. But first I must grow hind's feet. I must be purified. (Habakkuk 3:19, Zechariah 13:9, Malachi 3:2-3). And I must trust Him! When He shows me what or asks me to do something. Do it. No matter how silly it may seem. I can't understand His ways. His thinking is way above any thinking I could ever imagine! Thank God! He really is so amazingly awesome! I love Him so much! (Ecclesiastes 11:5, Isaiah 55:8-9) I'm actually very excited about suffering the consequences of my bad choices because I am being purified and cleaned. Pressed so I may better glorify my God who is so great and mighty! It is liberating and I feel like a forest after a rain...all shiny and clean and new!

It is not going to be easy. I have had to get a second job. I am in a position where I slip through the cracks of the systems. I make too much for help, but not enough to make it. It is God's way of making sure I really learn this lesson. He has something huge for me planned and I have to be ready! I'm so excited. It is worth all the work I will be going through. So for at least a year, I will be a floral designer by day and a server by night with the occasional music event in between. This must be done for me to be free and to teach me how to be a good steward of God's money! I am so grateful to Him.

It has also been a time God has used me to show one of my friends one of her callings. She has a heart for single moms. And she, of all the friends I have, Christian and non Christian that have really been there for me. There are so many who have not even asked me if I am OK. That hurt at first, but I accept it. God was wanting me to turn to Him so I was not placed on their hearts. I am just glad that I can be used to reveal others spiritual gifts. She is a girl who didn't believe she had any and she has many. God has forced me to really knock down that wall of pride I hold up so tall. I must remember that pride can be the root of so many evils. I have chosen to humble myself and allow myself to be helped and loved on by those who truly want to. They are blessed in so many ways for doing so! I thank my amazing God for them and their love and obedience.

This has yet again been a ramble but this is where I am at. I was reading in Zechariah 4. I am an active part in the rebuilding God's temple, me. I am so grateful I get to be an active participant and not sit on the sideline! My, my God is so amazing!! He overwhelms me with His love!

your sister in Christ,

Jennifir Huston

God bless all who read this!

lean on Him

2010-08-14T13:50:00.000-04:00

I wrote this one originally June 19

Psalm 9:10 Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who trust in you.

I have felt abandoned adn discarded and rejected by so many lately and in the past. But it does not matter. it is you, Lord, your love, Father, that I search for. If everyone abandons me for one reason or another, I know you will never leave me or discard me. You promise in psalm 9 and Romans 8:38-39 and many places in your word that you will always be there. One thing I know is I have not felt abandoned by you. I have sought you and grown closer to you.

It has been a tough road for me the past few weeks, eye opening in many ways. I have been forced to really look into the mirror. When I thought I was doing right, I was actually doing wrong although my heart was trying to be in the right place. Sometimes my vision gets cloudy. Because of this, so many have walked away from me, leaving me standing alone with the shattered remnants of what was hanging from my hands and tears of loneliness, regret, and remorse pouring from my eyes.

For a while, I could not move. I just stood there, locked in my own depression, feelng sorry for myself and hurting for those I hurt. I felt lost. I had been moving so much the sudden slam against the wall of angry, unforgiving hearts and silence knocked me senseless. I shed tears of mourning for what I thought was. Then as I dug in your word, my Father, I began to cry tears of freedom and realization that what I thought was, never really was.

I had been living in a dream world. It was time for us to go our separate ways. Our paths had forked into new and different directions. I had seen it coming, but had held on so tight. My life has been a lonely one for some time. It was time for me to walk alone, slow down, and be fed. To take teh time to lean on you, God. To hear your voice. To move to the next step in your plan for my life of which I am not sure of, but I step in faith. I trust you. (Jeremiah 29:11) I know you have an awesome path laid our for me. You guide my every step. You, my Father, lead me. (Psalme 5:8, Psalm 37:23-24, Proverbs 3:5-6) You never let go of me, even when I try to let go of you. I trust in you. I am choosig to give you all that I am, heart, soul, mind, body...all of me!

This is a time I must walk alone on this earty, yet i am never alone. You are there, my Father, every step of the way. I must learn to lean fully on you. I must realize that there are times that there will be no one but you to turn to. This is one of those times. My path is in the desert at this point in my life. As a very social person, I admit, the first few days, couple of weeks, were the most difficult. I cried so much and felt so lost and unwanted that I did not know what to do with myself except cry and open my Bible. Slowly, but surely you have and continue to heal my wounded, lonely heart.

You brought me to a point where I stopped seeking a husband this past winter and this past spring you brought me to a point where I was forced to stop leaning so heavily on other people and to lean only on you. When the time is right and you feel i am ready I know you will restore new and old friendships, but with a much more spiritually, healthy Jennifir. A Jennifir that has grown with you, my Father in heaven. This is a painful, yet necessary part of my growth. It is part of the molding process of who you have and are creating me to be in you, my Lord.

I thank you and rejoice in all parts of my growth, easy and not so easy. I know the fruit that will be produced from the growing pains of this one little tree will be an amazing testimony for you, Jesus! A beautiful testimony of what you have done, and are doing, and will do in my meager life. You use my weaknesses to do so many things.

I love my God so much! I could shout it from the mountain tops here in Haywood County! i humble myself to my God and give all I am to Him! I want my God to use me as He will to draw all the children He loves so dearly and show them that it does not matter what they have done or where they have been. God wants us just as we are. He cleans us up...we just have to let Him in and trust Him!

(Romans 12:1-2) I choose to be a living sacrifice for my God! I know what Jesus saved me from, I had a memorial to remind me on a daily basis tattooed o my ankle so that I may never forget! I am not going back to the person I once was! God is in me now, it is his strength that propels me forward.

I grow stronger with each passing day!

My God is an amazing God and He can and will do anything if only we will believe!!

The ramblings and revelations of one sister in Christ Jesus, my Lord and savior!

Jennifir:)

Can't Sleep

2010-08-14T13:43:00.001-04:00

This is actually a blog i posted on facebook June 1. I haven't been able to get onto my FFJ account until today.

John 3:14

"And as Moses lifted up the bronze snake on a pole in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up,"

I wake up at three am. I can't sleep. I am restless. My heart aches a little because I have unintentionally hurt people I care about. I didn't mean to really. I made a very human mistake and listened to people and my own voice and not to God's. I have been bitten by the sin of loose tongues...my own for one. I have asked them and God for forgiveness. I ask again those friends of mine to forgive me. I ask to forgive myself and I do. God forgives me. I looked up to Jesus on the cross. It is because He has been risen up in the wilderness to die for my sins, all of them, that I am forgiven. I am so grateful for this. My brain tries hard to wrap around this concept. Thank you Jesus for coming here for my sins. Who am I? No one, but I am everything united with you! (Ephesians 2:4-6) Thank you for covering me with your blood, having God see me through your eyes.

This walk is a learning process. It is not easy. It feels treacherous at times, but that is only because I stumble and make it so from my own human error and for lack of a better term, stupidity. It is hard sometimes to see whose intentions are good and whose are not. I shouldn't be seeking that out anyway, I should be seeking out God's intentions. Opening my spiritual ears and eyes and hearing what God has to say not what anyone else has to say or even what I have to say. I've been listening to fireflight a lot lately and there is a song that comes to mind called Recovery Begins. I need to stop and listen...stop talking. I truly love my friends. They mean so much to me. I ask God send you amazing blessings and peace in your hearts. I want my friends happy and to grow closer to Jesus with every breath they take.

My life has not been easy. In some areas lately it has been kind of rough. I'm learning how to have a relationship with my daughter. It has been a difficult revelation to realize my weakness where she is concerned. She is my heart. My baby and I don't always know how to relate to her. It is hard for me to admit because we have always been so close.

God is doing a lot of sifting and refining in my life right now. It leaves me a little muddled at times and unclear. He is really working on some of the nastier parts of my heart. A spring cleaning of sorts. He is showing me things I have had tucked away in nooks and crannies of my heart I did not know existed. He is healing me from the inside out and it is not always pretty. Watching even the smallest things that come from my mouth is one of those things coming out. There are things I have thought harmless that I have said have not been so harmless. I am sorry to anyone I may have hurt in such a way. I have asked God to help and guide me with this. I love you all so much.

I take this lesson with a heavy heart and it seems with less friends. It hurts but it says in Proverbs 18:19 and Proverbs 18:21 this would happen. The sifting in this lesson has settled and I see the consequences. I see what I must do. Be careful of every word that comes from my mouth. Focus on Jesus! Focus on His plans for me. I trust Him with all my heart. He knows I stumble. (Psalm 37:23-24). He forgives me. it is only my heart I can change and as I gaze up at Jesus my heart will change and be healed and grow closer to Him!

Psalm 147:2 He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

My hero

2010-05-01T20:50:00.002-04:00

Isaiah 2:15
He will break down every high tower and every fortified wall.

There are towers in my heart. Heavy fortified walls in my heart. I keep it so heavily guarded that more good than harm is done many a time. I cannot always see if the person knocking is friend or foe. God loves me so much that He is knocking these down. It hard to let the walls of protection I have built around my heart to fall at my feet. And be carried away by Jesus. It makes me feel vulnerable. But a hardened heart is unable to hear God's voice. The fortification muffles His voice and I can't always understand His warnings.

It is good to guard my heart, but I need to let God do it. Not me. I am weak...I am inexperienced at building the appropriate fortification or the right fitting armor. By building my own protection, I push God out as well as any potential enemies. God is in the process of tearing my self made, overly made guard down which does more harm than good. He is building a safe house in its place where He is ALWAYS home. Always deeply embedded in a heart that truly loves Him. I can rest easy. God is guarding my heart. I just need to completely hand it over to Him. Lay everything at His feet in all aspects of my little life.

God is my hero! When God says He will fight for me...He means it. When a man says he will fight for me...he only means it in that moment. A man's promises are empty. (Isaiah 2:22 Don't put your trust in mere humans. They are as frail as breath. What good are they?) I sure learned this one the hard way the past few weeks. God's promises are so full they spill all over the place. I love that! God has angels watching over me and with Jesus He has overcome the enemy. I forget that sometimes. I need to make a point to remember it right away. Go back to John 16:33, read it out loud so the enemy knows. Answer him as it is written from Jesus himself!

God will let in who is safe and kick away who is not. My ears need to be sharp and my tough walls gone so I may hear when God is telling me who to not open the door to. I'll just curl up on the couch of God's safe house and read His book while He stands by the door of my heart and gives the once over to anyone who knocks. I never even have to see who is there until God sends them into the living room of my heart. I am not to answer the door. My daddy must be the screener. I have learned some tough lessons the past few weeks. Painful lessons. I have come out on top and closer to Jesus. I lay everything at His feet. Only God is capable of handling things. I must go to Him. Ask God to guard my heart and allow Him to love me.

I must know that He has great plans for me. (Jeremiah 29:11) That my Daddy in heaven wants the best for me. Not just know this, but believe it deep in my heart. I choose to believe this! Yes! I must stop taking matters into my own hands because I am not patient. I must pray that as God knocks the fortress from around my heart, that my discernment to hear His voice grows stronger. When He says, "Don't let this person in." I do as He says and trust that He has a good reason for not wanting to let them in.

I am so grateful that God is always there. That He is always holding my hand no matter what dumb decisions I make. Most of all I am grateful for His grace and mercy and His faithful willingness to clean up the messes I make. What an amazing God I have! My God is a great God! There is no one greater than He! I am so glad He loves me so much!!

God bless!

your sister in Christ,
Jennifir Huston

Damascus Road

2010-04-27T20:27:00.002-04:00

Acts 9:1-6

Meanwhile, Saul, was uttering threats with every breath and
was eager to kill the Lord's followers.

So he went to the high priest.
He requested letters addressed to
the synagogues in Damascus, asking for
their cooperation in the arrest of any followers of
the Way he found there. He wanted to bring them-both
men and women-back to Jerusalem in chains.
As he was approaching Damascus on this mission,
a light from heaven suddenly shone down around him.
He fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to him,
"Saul! Saul! Why are you persecuting me?"
"Who are you, lord?" Saul asked.
And the voice replied, "I am Jesus, the one you are persecuting!
Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do."

And the story goes on to tell of how Saul was blinded and went into the city to be healed by Ananias despite Ananias' fear of Saul. Ananias trusted God even if he questioned him at first. He obeyed. But this blog is not really about that. It is more about each of our own personal Damascus Road moments. We all have one whether it is like lightening with Saul or very quiet. It is a bolt of lightening within our hearts. A door is knocked down forever and we ask Jesus into our hearts. I have been thinking about this a lot lately since some dreams are beginning to be realized. The buddings of the flowers of patience, prayer, perseverance and faith are becoming fruitful. Some friends of mine have put together a band. We call it Breaking Chains. As I read through this section of Acts and how Saul wanted to bring the followers of the Way back in chains I can't help but think of how Jesus broke all those chains by converting Saul. All those followers in Damascus Saul was on his way to chain up, would not have to have those chains on their arms. Instead, Saul would have his own chains broken and become Paul, one of the most amazing followers of the Way, Jesus.

It is through his obedience and teaching God has shared so much with us. I am grateful that God chose Paul. Any other person it may not have touched so many for his conversion was the most dramatic and life changing of all. He struggled with so much of what we even now struggle with and it is through his experiences, his struggling and documenting it and sharing how he dealt with them all that inspires and encourages me.

But again, I am chasing a rabbit. We are putting music to a song that was conceived by the Holy Spirit in my heart almost two years ago. I took it to Laurel a couple of months ago and asked her to put lyrics to it. It is so powerful. It is stories of different people at that last string, that last moment falling to their knees and having their own Damascus Road. The moment they truly believe and turn to Jesus. And as I sat and listened to the rough beginnings of the song with a full band, I couldn't help but feel an ache of amazement and love in my heart. It is a dream come true for me. A desire the Lord placed in so many hearts all in one coming to life!

As I said, we all have our own Damascus Road. Mine was sitting in a pew by myself in the balcony of West Asheville Baptist Church as I watched the Easter program come to life before me. What a powerful thing for me, a buddhist and non christian to see. I'll never forget that night. The night I was born and was no longer a walking dead woman. I came to life. My heart opened up to never fully close up again. All because I finally chose to answer Jesus' knock on the door of my heart.

My particular story begins on a chilly night in March 2008. The fifteenth to be exact. I remember Becky over the past couple months talking about the program and bringing in fliers for it. She put one on our fridge at work and gave me one. I just laid it on my work table and forgot about it. For some reason, I decided after all I would go. I was going to bring two friends. They both canceled on me. I almost used it as an excuse not to go, but there was a pull I could not ignore nor understood at the time on my heart. Now, I know what it was. It was like Jesus had put the biggest, thickest rope on my heart and began to tug. Gently, then with a little more force. I was like a robot as I dressed. I didn't want to go. I didn't like going to things like that on my own. I'll never forget staring at the door knob of my door and saying to myself, "I can just sit on the couch and watch TV." Even as I said it, I watched my hand, it was my hand, but didn't look like my hand turn the doorknob. I stood in the hallway. The same debate going on in my head. Then there was that tug. I nearly ran to my car. I barely remember the drive. I turned into the wrong church and debated turning right and going home, but found myself turning left then into the parking lot of the right church. I parked. I must have gone back to my car three times. As I walked through the huge doors of the big, brick church I was so afraid. The smiling, skinny man at the door really frightened me. I shuffled past him as fast as I could and went to where Becky told me to go. I never got up the whole night and at the end of the night when the preacher did the invitation, I quietly accepted Christ. I felt a chill on my shoulders as the weight of my sins were removed and tossed away. I had never felt so light in my life! Thank you Jesus for drawing me to you! So, that is my Damascus Road.

Healing began that night and let me say, it is not an easy road, but it is a road filled with peace.

What is your Damascus Road?

God bless!

your sister in Christ,
Jennifir Huston

Transformation

2010-03-14T08:24:00.004-04:00

Romans 12:1-2

¹Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual^a]">[a] act of worship. ²Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

The morning was misty. Beautiful. It had rained off and on throughout the night. As I stood outside the cabin by myself and gazed down the hill through the trees, I felt clean. I felt new. Transformed. An old, layer had been removed from me, old skin as from a snake so I can see once again. Snakes are blinded by their old skin. It makes them mean. Not that I was mean per say as my old skin became encumber some, but I didn't realize I was blinded by the person I once was until I stood outside and could see and smell again. I felt brand new. I am still having a hard time grasping the fact that I am not that person I was two years ago while I still walked among the dead. Before God pulled me from the pit of despair that had become my life. (Psalm 40:2) I was such a mess. I may have appeared as if I had it all together, but my skin was so rough, so calloused. My eyes so blinded, my heart so hard that I didn't care anymore. I didn't even know Jesus yet, but it was in the decision to ask Jesus into my heart that the skin of who I was at the time would begin to shed. A painful process. In order for me to become the person God intended me to be, He had to shed the person I was. I had to let Him do it. I fought Him tooth and nail. If I had only not been so stubborn and obeyed and let Him clean me up and remove that skin, maybe I would have found peace sooner.

God knew I would be stubborn. God also knew I would be passionate about Him. God knew when I fell in love with Him, that I would give all that I am to Him. Even as I was not willing, and still am not willing to turn over ALL parts of me to Him, I am. I had to give Him permission to pry those things out of my hands. Use whatever tool He had to prune those branches from me. And there were times, I balled so hard I thought I had no tears left. There were times, I bled and bled. There were times I handed it over to Him no problem. Transformation is a process. No one said it would be a painless process. In fact, I am grateful it is painful at times. It was during those times I learned to lean on God, and God only. They were times that I had to trust Him completely. Wait on Him. Just obey, and believe me, obedience is not always easy. God has asked me to do some things I fought Him on, but when I finally relented, I realized how much better off I was. He does not want to hurt me. He wants to help me. He wants to grow me closer to Him. There are yucky branches, pieces of old skin, old me, old sins, old desires, old ideas that must be shed because they block the way to Him. I ask God to remove those obstacles. And believe me, some of those obstacles are so tempting. Are so pretty. Yet, I realize they shine so much that I am blinded and cannot see Jesus. Jesus is my ultimate goal! I want Jesus!

And it is in the fulfillment of this desire that Jesus has mended this broken heart. He is the ultimate physician. He has made me whole again. So much has happened over the past two years. God completely knocked down the house of who I was. He placed me in a place that I could not call my own for a few months. Even my cats were pruned from me, but they were a part of the old skin. He brought me to a point of bare ground. That was a lonely place for me. I didn't know who I was. I didn't understand. I couldn't see anything. I had to wait. I had to let God take care of everything. I had to trust Him. (Psalm 40:1, Psalm 37:7a, Psalm 46:10) I have to admit, waiting is the hardest part. At least during the the tearing down process I was somewhat involved, even if it were just crying.

And then God began the building process. He set the first stone, Jesus, firmly in place. When I began to really have faith and trust in His plan for me. When I began to really walk so closely to Jesus that all I could see were the back of His feet and trust where His steps took me. And slowly, I felt my confidence begin to build as each block has been added. I am still in the building process in this phase of my growth. Then God performed some miracles. He provided for me so that Rose and I may have a home of our own once again. I walk around our new home, the home God placed us in and realize this home belongs to the new me. The woman God has transformed me into.

I realized as I stood outside that cabin Saturday morning at the women's retreat that not only had I shed my new skin, but I had no clue where it was. Sometime during this part of my journey, I turned away from it, let it go and let God discard it. I prayed thanksgiving and love to my God!

One of the best revelations I received that morning was that I actually really like the person God has transformed me into. And the best part is, He will continue to transform me so as I get to know me, His daughter, the more I am loving me. I have to love me in order to love others. To have a peace deep in my heart. I want to please my Father! I want Him to be proud of His little girl!

Transformation is a beautiful process. A painful process. A birthing process. A fresh, new skin that shines with the love of Jesus. His love seeps from every pore of the new me, the me He has created! I love Jesus so much for all He has done in my life. I want Him to use me.

I know this has been a ramble, but i guess that is what a blog is all about. This is my heart. I love you all.

God bless you and know that Jesus loves you so very much!!

Your sister in Christ,
Jennifr Huston:)

The Forest of my Heart

2010-02-13T11:27:00.005-05:00

This actually started out as a personal journal entry, but my heart instructs me to share.

Jesus, this is a lazy day. Forgive my laziness. I am so cold. I have been tired. I need some time alone with you.

Jesus, I read, John 10:10. I believe in you, Jesus. You are my everything. I trust and know you have my best interests at heart. I trust you have a plan. I give you all that I am. I am asking that you smother all other voices so that it is only your voice I hear. I need your guidance. I don't want to take any wrong steps. Psalm 37:23 The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.

Thank you for delighting in every detail of my life. Thank you. Even I don't delight in every detail of my life. There are some details I am afraid to delight in. Some details I want to shove away. Details I can see if I take the time to look in the mirror. Sins and patterns that need to be forgiven and cleared away, as far as the east is from the west. But how can I ask for forgiveness and help to clean up the mess in my heart if I don't take the time to see what they are? I can't ask for what I don't realize I need. Fear creeps in. I want to think I am good, but I am a sinner. Bottom line. But with one drop of your blood, Jesus, I am not only forgiven but cleansed. White as snow. Wow! Jesus, thank you. Thank you for holding my hand as I walk through the thick forest of my own heart. As I gaze around, I notice fallen branches, tree stumps, trees scratched and split, leaves blanketing the ground and pathways. But I also see beauty, the moss that grows on the rocks in soft, green patches. The patterns on the dried leaves. The age lines in tree stumps. The whirled pattern of Eastern White Pine as I look up at them.

Right now the forest of my heart has been bombarded by man storms, big and small. The wind has blown. The rains have fallen. The lightening has struck. The snow and ice have made my heart feel heavy. Now, in the aftermath after almost two years, Jesus and I walk hand in hand. The leaves crunch beneath my tattered shoes. Tattered from all the running I have done. I am weary. I am tired of trying to run my own life.

I sit on a rock, soft with moss, my hand never leaving the hand of my Lord and savior. I stare lovingly, pleadingly at Him. I relinquish all that I am to Jesus. My heart, my soul, my spirit, my body, my dreams, my hopes, my desires are now in His hand. He can fit all that and so much more in just one hand! Jesus is creator of all! He smiles at me at me as He wraps His hand full of all that is me around my broken heart and I feel the warmth of healing permeate from my very core. My wellspring. Proverbs 4:23. Permeates from the inside of who He made me to be to the outside of who He made me to be.

I hear deep inside my being His voice. Calm and reassuring. Loving. Do not be afraid to dream, my little goose. I am the one who has placed those dreams in your heart. I will provide all you need to see those dreams come to fruition. I know your heart. Trust in me, your rock, your salvation as I clean the mess of your heart. Remember as I have been promising you since the day you chose to belive in me. I have great plans for you. Jeremiah 29:11-14.

I want to weep tears of joy. Each tear I have shed is a tear that waters and fertilizes my growth. A growth that brings me closer to the Son. Where it is warm, where I am held up so I won't fall. Where I am rescued from myself. Yes, Jesus can even save me from me! Luke 1:37

I have been given a dream, a vision. I must trust that God will make it all happen and He has. I have seen it unfold before my very eyes. Little by little, step by step. Guided by Jesus. I am excited and nervous because it is so new. There is a change in the air. The change saturates my entire being. He reminds me of Isaiah 43:19 as He gazes around the cluttered forest of my storm ridden heart. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

Shivers go through me as I realize how true this is. How amazing a promise this is. I look around and notice some of the debris has been removed and a small flower of hope begins to peak out at me. It grows close to the ground. It is a crocus. I remember taking the time to look at it as Rose and I walked around the lake almost a month ago and it was blooming. Just now I take the time to look at my heart and the flowering of my own spiritual growth in what appears to be the middle of a winter of my growth. I have come so far with Jesus by my side. I have a new contentedness and excitement bubbling inside me. There are some patterns and ties that when I had finally looked, I asked for help. I find I hardly struggle with certain patterns anymore. Now it is time to discard and heal from other patterns. It is a process.

God has given me some awesome gifts and the ability to meet and love people is one of them. I have made so many friends on this journey and it has only begun. Lots of warriors and lovers of Christ. I cry out with thanksgiving. I am truly blessed! I am excited because I will meet so many more. I am truly excited about my next step and trust I don't have to do any of it alone.

Psalm 16:10 For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your Holy One to rot in the grave.

God has placed a fire in my heart for people to know the joy and love Jesus has blessed me with. I want everyone to know these feelings. This fire! This joy! This love!

God Bless you all and thank you for taking the time to read the ramblings of one sister in Christ!

Jennfiir Huston:)

Treasures

2010-02-06T16:21:00.003-05:00

Jesus spoke to his followers during the Sermon on the Mount and said, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6:21, Luke 12:34) So what does that simple truth lead us to understand about His own heart? I pondered over this question for a few months before coming to a conclusion. Jesus Christ, God and man in one, is compassion incarnate; but where then does His heart lie? The answer to that simple, childlike question is infinitely more simple. His heart, full of love and adoration lies in us. His children. The only creations in the known universe made in HIS OWN IMAGE. That is a lot to take in, but even that is just the tip of the iceberg.

In Deuteronomy 7:6, we are told, "For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be His people, His treasured possession." There is the heart of the matter. Each member of His Church, is "His treasured possession," rare, glorious, and invaluable; without price or comparison, beauty and intricacy compiled in one fluid motion and sealed by Christ's death on the cross. You, reading these words, are an invaluable resource to God Himself and hold an important place in His kingdom.

I need to stop here and say that if you are reading this and do not know Christ as your savior, you cannot be enveloped in the love and adoration of the Creator until you do. Do it now. Don't wait. Allow Him to make you a dazzling, irreplacable treasure. When you accept Christ as your savior, He whispers, "I will give [you] an undivided heart and put a new spirit in [you]; I will remove from [you] [your] heart of stone and give [you] a heart of flesh." (Ezekiel 11:19) Say a simple prayer and let Him transform you. "They will be mine, " says the Lord Almighty, "in the day when I make up my treasured possession. I will spare them, just as in compassion a man spares his son who serves him." (Malachi 3:17)

The Lord is deeply in love and jealous of His children. We are told this in plain print: "Do not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God." (Exodus 34:14) This is a heavy statement to burn into your heart. He loves us so much that He is jealous for us! He is like a jealous lover, craving our attention so fully that we do not even notice another god! The Creator of the universe loves us that much. Incredible! That's a lot to wrap your head and heart around.

There are a million tiny proofs throughout each of our daily lives and our relationships with Him that prove His love to us. There is a passage of scripture that more fully encapsulates this principle. Isaiah 43:1-4 says: "But now, this is what the Lord says--He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life."

I wrote all of this to say this: It does not matter what the world, or what people, may say or think about you. What really matters is that the Great Star-Breather, God and Creator of the Universe, thinks you are without compare and so valuable that He sacrificed His perfect Son on the cross to redeem you, to pay your ransom. HIS opinion, and no other, of you is what really matters.

Ice

2010-02-01T22:45:00.002-05:00

The day was warm. The sun was shining. The lake was still a frozen sheet of ice telling the story of just a couple of weeks before. Just before Christmas a snowstorm hit us and this particular Tuesday was one of the first days we had above freezing since. I have to admit it traumatized me a bit. As Rose and I walked around the lake, taking in the fresh air I couldn’t help but notice how barren parts of the lake was. Places where ducks usually hung out were void of all activity. I did notice in the few sunny, thawed areas, is where masses of ducks were. Like little refuges.

Another thing I noticed and it has taken me a couple of weeks since to have it really sink in, was how there were sticks, logs, even a tricycle lying on top of the ice. Even during a cold storm, the muck is sifted to the top. Even in a cold heart, the nastiness can be cleaned out. It’s a messy process, a cold process, a lonely process. Barren in some places. In many places the ice reflects as if in a mirror. Little did I realize that it was my cold heart that would be sifted. Little did I realize that my heart was so cold. But the good news is, it can and will be thawed. But first all the muck must be shifted to the top. This was not a processing of just grapes but pineapples, peaches, and apples. Large seeds and seeds on the outside. This cleaning, skimming from the surface process would be one of the hardest I have endured so far. This time, I really had to look at myself and with others around. At the expense of those I love. I know I am not condemned and I have apologized, but again I apologize. I am so sorry for being so selfish. I know it was uncalled for and in fact very cold. With that coldness I was able to see a part of myself that needs work. Actually, a few parts of my self. I looked in the mirror of my cold heart so that I can ask God to help me clean all that debris away. So, I may thaw. So, I may see what God sees not what I think the world sees. Not what I see. I want God’s eyes, not mine. Mine are selfish. Mine see me as unworthy in every way. God’s eyes see me as His little princess!

My eyes make me a victim when in fact I am not. When I play the victim, I play right into the devils hand. My witness is ruined. I love Jesus so much and the enemy knows this. Jesus has helped me so much. I am so grateful he has opened my eyes so I may see what needs to be changed in me. So that He may change me from the inside out. As I am filled with His love and as He takes my heart into his loving, warm hands I am thawed. Part of the thawing process is a little painful. I think of playing in the snow and my hands and feet getting so cold that they tingle with the pain of thawing. Sometimes, my hands and feet and heart are colder than others. This was a time that was very, very cold. I had no idea my heart could be so cold. I was shown differently as I looked myself in the mirror of the eyes of those I love. I tell you that is the hardest mirror to look in, because it is the clearest, cleanest mirror of all. But it was necessary for me to see. Necessary for my growth. I pray I did not ruin my relationships. I do love them all so much.

As my heart thaws, I cling ever stronger to Jesus, my savior, my fortress, my strength. I know he has something amazing planned for me and I need to keep my eyes focused on Him. On the path He has chosen for ME. Not for what He has chosen for others. I know what evil demon reared its ugly head that day. Jealousy. Bottom line. I have been walking around for a long time in so many aspects of my life with the bitterness of jealousy hanging out as an unwanted guest in a heart that belongs to Jesus. And it is not just jealousy where those I love is concerned. But jealousy of most people around me. I keep looking at what they have, not what I have. I am so very blessed and it is time I rebuke jealousy in the name of Jesus! It is time to look at all that Jesus has given me.

Grace for starters! Now, I must extend grace to myself and forgive myself!

.. ..

Here are some verses that I heard or came to mind that have really uplifted me.

.. ..

1 Corinthians 13:12-13 Now we see things as imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever-faith, hope, and love-and the greatest of these is love.

Romans 8:1 For now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 44:22 I have swept away your sins like a cloud. I have scattered your offenses like the morning mist. Oh, return to me, for I have paid the price to set you free.”

Psalm 126:5-6 Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest.

Matthew 11:28-30 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Psalm 27:1 The Lord is my light and salvation-so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?

Psalm 91:1-4 Those who live in the shelter of the most high will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust Him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

I cling to Jesus as Ruth clung to Naomi

Ruth 1:14 And again they wept together, and Orpah kissed her mother-in-law goodbye. But Ruth clung tightly to Naomi.

Your sister in Christ,

Jennifir

Just....

2010-01-08T06:37:00.002-05:00

Well, it has been a good while since I have posted. So much has gone on since. Well, so much in my heart and yes, I guess otherwise. I have not had Internet until this week and even this Internet connection is not so great. The week before Christmas our power went out as did so many others during that huge snow we had here in western north Carolina. It was hard living. I was so cold. Rose, mamaw and I had to melt snow on the fireplace just to flush the toilet. But that is neither here nor there. I pray we don't have to go through that again for a while. During that time, I also had no form of communication except to where I could walk. My cell phone tower lost power, Mamaws phone was out. No Internet. Nothing. We mostly sat by the fire when we weren't pouring melted snow in the back of the toilet or gathering snow to melt and read. I'm sure we were a sight. Especially the day the truck stop finally got power and the three of us, an old woman, young woman and little girl decided to walk to the truck stop to eat something besides gingerbread houses and canned tuna. I went through some major withdrawals the first two and a half days. It wasn't until the last full day that I was beginning to appreciate the isolation from society. The time to sit back and be still. To wait patiently on God. To spend time in God's word. To spend time with God. To spend time with my daughter. I have a tendency to move, move, move. I'm always doing something. Going somewhere. Talking to someone. It seems my mind never stops. And I don't know how to stop. I asked God to help me with that. What a great opportunity to tie me down and force me to stop...full force. As I was reading in Psalms, that's what I do when I'm not sure where to read in the bible or I am feeling down so I am always in the word, I kept thinking of Psalm 37:24. But as I read the whole Psalm I came across Psalm 37:7 Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.

It is the first part of that verse that really struck me. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Even as I ask him to act in my life, even as I talk to him, I am in constant motion. During that weekend, I was forced to sit still and listen. I heard a lot. I went through a gamut of emotions. It was like a weekend counseling session for God and me. I would cry out to him in anger and ask him why. Why am I in this position in my life? How long is this season going to last? I'm mad at you God, OK! I admit it to myself as well as you. He understood and loved on me anyway. He told me I would understand in time. You are going through a desert, a cutting, pruning process. I asked him, how long does this process have to last? Its been going on for nearly two years? The answer is, it never truly stops. So, my new question is: Does it have to be so intense and hard the whole time? No, it doesn't.

I realized Wednesday night as I felt the burdens of life being removed by Jesus from my shoulders once again that this particular pruning process I am going through is in a sifting process. It is so hard because all the junk has come to the surface. I am forced to see all the nastiness that has been in my heart for so many years. This realization of the refining process of my growth made me feel lighter. Happier. OK. Its hard to look at ones own crap. To see just how sinful I really am. I didn't like what I saw. I even found myself over the past few weeks trying to revert. Funny thing is, God won't let me. I have even found myself purposely trying to turn away from God. My mind thinking, life will be easier. But is it really? And God said NO! You are not turning away. I won't let you. Not even you can separate yourself from my love! Romans 8:38-39 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Thank you Jesus for that amazing promise! Even as my sinful, human nature tries to break away you won't let me. I stumble, and have done a lot of stumbling lately, you never let go of my hand. Never! You never stop loving me. Psalm 37:24. And one of the most awesome things I have learned the past few weeks, my latest revelation, is that no matter how hard I try, if you don't want me turning away, you won't let me. You have something planned for me. I'm not sure what...but you do. It must be big. I've had the hugest urge in my heart to write, but I'm not sure what it is God wants me to write, but once all the muck is skimmed off the surface, the water will be clear and I will be able to see.

Oh, I am excited. Nervous. Scared. It is so hard for me to trust. To give everything even to Jesus. I so desire to trust in Him in a way I never have and Wednesday night, we reached a new level in our relationship.

This is just a little rambling. A little of what I see when one net full of sediment has been removed from my heart. There's many netfulls left. My cup was running so full Wednesday night the excess overflowed as tears poured from the corners of my eyes. I learned that night what tears of joy really are. To cry because I love so much. Love God so much. It was a beautiful revelation and the icing on the cake.

Psalm 126:4-6 Restore our fortunes, Lord, as streams renew the desert. Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest.

I realize now that I have been going through a cutting process, a pruning process. I am now in the refining process which can be just as painful, but it means better days are coming!

Jesus is amazing!

Your sister in Christ,
Jennifir:)

Jesus loves you!

Metamorphasis

2009-12-05T16:08:00.002-05:00

Hey guys! I know I haven't posted anything in a really long time. I have been sorting through some things in my life and leaning on Jesus for His guidance, so I'm sorry if you thought I had abandoned ya'll! I'm gonna post a song that I just wrote down like 5 minutes ago, and hope that it reaches whoever it was meant for! I love you, brothers and sisters!
<3 Tab

I'm waiting for You
To fulfill Your plan
Waiting for a boy
To become a man;
A knight to become
A glorious king.
Take my heart
And make me sing.

(Chorus):
A songbird wrapped
In a pretty little cage
An apprentice
Serving under a sage
A princess
Locked high in the tower
The lump of coal
Transforming under Your power

A battle sconce
With a brand new queen
Scarcely believing
She's living this dream
She almost died
When the dragons came
From a broken Chalice
Until the Hero called her name

(Chorus)

(Bridge):
Oh, Jesus, amazing
The way that You call
Bringing out greatness
Within those who follow (repeat x1)

Tug of War

2009-11-30T11:51:00.003-05:00

Romans 7:21-25

I have discovered this principle of life-

that when I want to do what is right,

I inevitably do what is wrong.

I love God's law with all my heart.

But there is another power within me

that is at war with my mind.

This power makes me a slave to the sin

that is still within me.

Oh, what a miserable person I am!

Who will free me from this life

that is dominated by sin and death?

Thank God!

The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.

So you see how it is:

In my mind I really want to obey God's law,

but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

As I drove to Spartanburg to meet my sister's husband to pick Rosie up my mind was going a mile a minute. I was listening to Casting Crowns and Group 1 Crew. I started thinking about the struggling I have been going through lately. It seems I am always struggling. I am tired from all the struggling. I realized that there is a war going on inside me. Around me. It is between the Holy Spirit and my sinful nature. Lately, my sinful nature has been fighting harder. Hitting me harder. Knocking me down more and more. I couldn't help but picture myself the rope in a game of tug of war between the Holy Spirit and my sinful nature. Both tugging at one end of me. It seems as the Holy Spirit pulls harder, I am wrenched from sinful natures hold but fall hard to the ground with scratches and bruises. So even as the Holy Spirit wins, I find myself stumbling and doing things I don't want to do. I am so grateful that Jesus does not ever let go. Psalm 37:24. He never leaves my side! But I feel so weak lately. I find myself making choices that are harmful to me. That feel like backsliding.

I find myself becoming discouraged. All I want to do is serve, but it seems obstacles get thrown at me. Why should it be so hard to do as God has asked me to? It is wearying. I have been under some depression lately as the holidays have been upon me. I have found myself crying out to God...Why? Is it your plan for me to spend my days alone without an earthly husband and if so, take this desire from me. I know I should be content. Everyone tells me in God's timing. Good, in God's timing. Then why won't He take this desire from my heart. I don't want it to matter whether there is someone in my life or not! It is distracting. I don't like it. It is not something I want to dwell on! But it creeps in so much! To the point where I get angry at God, throw my hands up in the air, and say forget it. Why am I even trying.

I have found myself at the end of my rope. Frazzled. Ready to quit. I know this doesn't sound very Christian, but this is a point in my life, a Christian woman. A part of the struggle of this walk. I realize that. I know it will pass. I know even in my anger God is always with me. I know that He has placed it on my heart to share my walk in all aspects. He wants to use me to show others that these feelings are part of being human. That we are not perfect. That we DO make mistakes. That even though He doesn't want us to make these mistakes He will use them to grow us, and for His greater purpose. Yesterday morning I woke up to a sermon by Charles Stanley. He was in Romans 8. He read 8:28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. So, even in my anger. Even in my bad choices. God knew I would choose to do the things I have done, even thought. But because I love Him so much and I am one of His children, He will use it. He allowed me to do those things for a reason. What those reasons are I don't know. I can't know what God thinks or His reasoning's are. I just know that He has a purpose for me. I have to hold tightly to that. I have to hang on even if the end of my rope is in shreds and my hands are dripping blood from holding on so tight and my head hurts from squeezing my eyes so tightly because I just can't watch anymore.

God is there. He is going to and is healing this broken heart. I am grateful for His grace and forgiveness. I am His child and I love Him so much. That much I know. I know that even as I let go, He is there to catch me.

Thank you Jesus!

Your sister in Christ,

jennifir

Uncertainty

2009-11-22T20:54:00.003-05:00

Psalm 46:10

"Be still and know that I am God!

I will be honored by every nation.

I will be honored throughout the world."

I love this verse. God has been pointing it out to me for the past few weeks. In one way or another. I have a tendency to jump. I get all excited and antsy and run with ideas. I have a lot of uncertainty in my life. A lot of what ifs...how am I going to do this? Where am I going? What is God's plan for me? Whys? I have so many whys. It seems that life has not been fair for me in so many ways. In finances, relationships. Life has been so uncertain for me for so long that uncertainty has been such a constant. As I sat in church this morning and listened to Pastor Matt give the message, I realized that part of the reason I have so much uncertainty is because I am not taking the time to be still. To really listen.

I can't help but think of driving down the road, the rain is pounding so hard on my car and the thunder rumbling so loud I can't keep driving. I can't see through the windshield and I'm shaking in my boots each time I hear the thunder crash all around me and all this while I am driving. I have no choice but to pull over. To sit still on the side of the road and wait for the storm to lessen so I can again get back onto the road and to my destination. Realizing that I need to stop and be still is only the first part of that though. As I sit there, I need to breathe. Calm my heart, mind and thoughts. Thoughts reel through my head. There is a storm within a storm. I need to still all the thoughts. I need to stop talking. I want to hear God when He speaks to me. I don't know how to still my mind. I'm trying to figure it out. I ask God to help me. I want to stop rambling off to God. I want to hear Him! I've said enough. I don't know how to make the thoughts to stop. I need to stop. take some time. There's a storm raging all around me...I'm going to hydroplane if I'm not careful.

I'm exhausted. I just want to give up and just live. I ask myself is it worth it? Do I have to be alone? I'm tired of being alone. I know I have God. I am so grateful that I have God and that He is forever faithful. He is showing me slowly but surely, sinking it into my very thick skull that He is always with me. I am never alone. I desire to be loved here on earth as well. God knows my heart, but I can't hear what He is saying to me if I am not still. Listen. I desire above all else to hear what God is telling me. Not what anyone else is telling me, but what God is telling me! God, oh God...I want to hear your voice. You have given me a vision....a dream. Guide me. Show me. I need peace. I need these uncertainties to be washed away in this crazy storm going on inside me. My life is so uncertain. I am scared. I don't know where I am going. I am afraid I will remain stagnate in life. That my abundance will be given to me once I am in heaven. Oh God, please, I would like to know abundance here on this earth as well.

I know that is selfish of me. I am a selfish person. I admit it. It is a weakness of mine. I am always thinking of myself. I have been in 2 Corinthians as well. 12:9 Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

Selfishness is a weakness for me. Earthly desires of alleviating my loneliness is a weakness. God works best in my weakness. He shows me my weakness and shows me that I am only strengthened by Him. He will make me surefooted as a deer as He guides and teaches me. He did not say this would be easy so I rejoice in my weaknesses. I rejoice in the desert of my life. In the torrential downpours of my life. In the quiet times. I rejoice in the uncertainties because without them I would not desire to be still and hear. (Habakkuk 3:19)

I have so much to learn. I am so glad that I will never stop learning and growing closer to Jesus! I want Him to be proud of me. Oh yes, but I am so weak. I am so tired. Jesus is my rock! He is the only constant. He is always with me.

I end this with one of my most favorite verses and I have many. Psalm 16:8 I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.

I rejoice in my weaknesses. I rejoice in constant growth. I rejoice in Grace and forgiveness.

I love Jesus!

Ramblings of one sister in Christ,

Jennifir Huston

Jesus loves you!

Weakness

2009-11-10T20:12:00.002-05:00

Do you ever just feel weak? Feel as if nothing is ever going right for you? Ever feel like everyone else around you gets happiness but it is your lot in life to be the ultimate sacrificer by living a single life although your heart does not desire it? Do you ever feel like you'll never have anything? Do you ever just stop feeling?

I do. I have felt this way a lot lately. I have not only felt lonely, but in limbo. What do I really have that is mine? I have a bed, few dressers, clothes, and such. But not much else. I feel like my life is chaotic. I have had a hard go of it the past month and I apologize for not writing lately. My heart just hasn't been in it. I haven't known what part of what is going on in my life I should share. I'm at a point of not knowing where my life is heading. What God's plan is for me. I feel so up in the air most of the time. Just when I thought I had given up all I could, I not only lose one but both my cats. I know it sounds silly but it was a hard blow for me. I want to cry even now. As I drove home from the grocery store tonight with a bag of cat litter for Mamaws kitties, I couldn't help but get teary eyed as I realized this litter was not for my two kitties. I miss them so much. Lovey passed away on a Monday. The Tuesday after, my purse and bible are stolen from my car. I just totally broke down. I got angry. Tired. I can't seem to grasp anything. Life. I just want to rest.

I have had the strongest urge to just give up lately. To put all things I have my hands in and just close up. Work, go to church and live. But I can't. I have this strong desire to serve God. No matter what, I am addicted to serving God. I love that revelation. It is tiring, but He always provides the means. He is always at my side. I know in my heart, even as the tears try to come again, that losing my cats is not what God desired, but He will use it. (Romans 8:28) He will use it in the fact that whatever next step He has for me, they may not be able to go. I know I am also in a humbling process. How can I not be?

I'm having to depend on others. Although, I pay rent, I don't feel like my home is my home. I just feel lost. But at the same time, I know God is preparing me for the place He has for me. Its a lonely street I walk on right now. I feel like I can't go on sometimes. Like I just want to cry. I just want to be happy. I feel as if I am having to make a choice. Live a life of only God and having nothing in life or vice versa. Call me selfish but I want Jesus and to have things in life! John 10:10 God did promise us life abundantly! I'm holding Him to that promise now.

Its just so hard and I'm so stubborn. I'm trying to be a good servant, but I have been weak. God knew I would have a few weak moments and before I was He sent me to 2 Corinthians 12, but especially verse 9 . Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

I really digest this verse and have been for the past few weeks as I realize just how weak I really am. I rejoice in my weaknesses and the fact that I listen, even as I am weak, as God shows them to me to realize and remember that I am human. And it is with that humanness, that weakness, Christ can and will work through me. I am shown that I am nothing without Jesus. And that He can use my weakness. He can perform a miracle in me by giving me the strength I need to do as He asks. And He places a strong desire in my heart to please Him. I want God, my daddy in heaven, to smile down on me!

I know He won't abandon me or leave my side. God is so amazing! My heart bubbles even as I type with my love for Him!

I know this was a ramble, but it is some of what is going through the head of this one, weak, little person who is a Christian child who is in love with Jesus!

Your sister in Christ,
Jennifir

Where there is vision there is hope!

2009-10-07T11:13:00.002-04:00

Hebrews 11:1

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for

will actually happen;

it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

It seems a continuous struggle to have faith. I do have faith that Jesus died on the cross and rose again for me. But there are so many areas in my life I have a hard time expressing faith. Trusting in God. I want to and I do know God will and is helping me with my faith. I have asked him to and I know He can. I am so grateful for that. I want to trust God in ALL areas of my life, not just this one or that one. I know God loves me so much that I should have a peace that he has my best interest in His heart in all that He allows to happen to me, asks me to do, asks me to give up, or does not give me when I ask for it. He has a plan (Jer. 29:11-14) and it is all in His time, not mine. I must learn to practice patience. Trust God. It is God's Will! Not mine! What I think is best for me is not best for me at all and definitely not best for God's plans to use me which I have asked Him to use me. I want to God to use me! I am his willing, loving servant. But I must trust Him! I must look at some of the examples of faith God has in His word to understand faith a little more, although it is not always an easy concept for me to embrace.

I was reading in Genesis this morning and had just been thinking about my faith when I started reading about how God tested Abraham's faith. Abraham truly trusted God. He demonstrated his faith in God. Even as he was leaving his servants at a distance from where God was asking him to sacrifice his only son, Abraham demonstrated his faith. He told his servants to wait with the donkey and said, "The boy and I will travel a littler farther. We will worship there, and then we will come right back. (Genesis 22:5) Abraham knew he was to sacrifice his only son he had waited so long for, he had faith that God would provide and alternate and he and his son would return to the servants together. He said WE, not I. He trusted God that much! That's how I want to be! Abraham did all God asked of him although it most surely was not what he wanted to do. It pained him but he trusted God! He trusted God's plans and trusted that God would not in the end expect him to kill Isaac. He allowed God to direct his steps and he placed each foot where God asked him to. God did did provide! At the last minute there was a ram. Then Abraham looked up and saw a ram caught by its horn in a thicket. So he took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering in the place of his son. Abraham named the place Yahweh-Yireh (which means "the Lord will provide"). To this day, people still use that name as a proverb: "On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided." (Genesis 22:13-14)

Abraham passed an amazingly, excruciating test of faith. Sacrificing your only child has got to be the hardest sacrifice of all. Honestly, I don't think I could and I thank God He hasn't asked me to. He has asked me for the first year of my salvation to allow my daughter to spend a lot of time with her dad as He grew me, which was not easy, but nothing compared to the sacrifice God asked Abraham to make. There are many things God asks us to sacrifice in order to prove our faith in him and to grow closer to Him. God has asked me to sacrifice, to give up some things for good and some things for a short while. I notice as I obey I grow closer to God and He gives me something better in its place. It does not make the sacrifice any less painful. The withdrawals can have me crying, numb, even afraid, but I turn to God in those times. I hide under His wings and let Him hold me close to Him. I put my trust in Him. He asks me to do things that seem impossible and then He reminds me in His word that all things are possible with God. (Matthew 19:26, Luke 1:37, Philippians 4:13 are just a few.)

God gave me a vision months ago. A vision I just could not imagine ever doing. He showed it to me vividly. He didn't show me how it would come about. I wasn't and still am not ready for the full fruition and harvest of the vision. God was placing the desire in my heart. Planted the seed. Showing me what the flower would look like, but the field was yet to even be cultivated. I set aside the vision as one sets aside a seed to germinate.

As I drove to a friends house yesterday afternoon after meeting with some band members from a local band who are probably going to play at The Open Door Coffeehouse, I began thinking about that vision. And how far God has brought me in my cultivation. I realize as I write this that He gave me the name before I had the vision. He called it Freaky For Jesus. I thought. Wow. God gave me this huge vision. I had wondered and still wonder how it would come about, but it is not for me to wonder about, it if for God to reveal the pieces at the right times. I must trust God!

I do know it had to begin with desire. God is going to make it huge. He is providing a network and so many strong Christians around me and merging my visions with other peoples vision. My vision is actually only just a piece of a bigger one. New Disciples is proof in that. As these visions come together as a puzzle, I see how big it really is. I am also excited to know that what is in my heart will be and is shared with so many others. That I will not be a lone plant in this particular garden, but a plant among many to be harvested when God decides it's time. I write this now not even sure of the whole big picture, but I have seen my part in it and I trust God will reveal what I need to know when I need to know it and He will provide the means.

In the meantime as I grow, as I am cultivated, I understand and joyfully accept that there is a constant weeding process and there are times the roots of the weeds intertwine with my roots. Those roots get so entangled at times they must be cut away. It is not always easy, but I am so grateful for The Master Gardner, Jesus! And He knows all about this little plant, Jennifir, because I know I don't know what I need. So, I choose to trust in the Lord in all I do. I choose to allow God to direct my steps! He is amazing! He has my heart! I tuck myself underneath my Father's warm, comforting, loving wing!

Thank God He loves us so much!

I truly love Jesus!

your sister in Christ,

Jennifir

God IS Love!

2009-10-04T20:25:00.002-04:00

1 John 4:16

We know how much God loves us,

and we have put our trust in his love.

God is love,

and all who live in love live in God,

and God lives in them.

This has been a week of reflection. Of being fed. Of allowing God to love on me. Pamper me. To let go. It has been a week of opening my heart just a little more despite how scary it is for me. Opening my heart means greater chances of heart ache. More exposure to the elements of those who may or may not mean to hurt me. It has been a week of God just telling me over and over through this person, that event, that cloud, this verse that He loves me. He just plain old loves me. I don't need to look for love anywhere but with Him. I don't need anyone but God when it comes right down to it. Why do I keep hoping and looking that I may actually get a chance to find love anywhere else? As soon as I look, my eyes go off Jesus and I lose my focus. I forget who I should be seeking. I don't know how to not lose my focus. I don't know how to always keep my eyes on Him.

When am I going to get it through my thick skull that all I need is Jesus!

I'm just rambling. I don't know what to say or what to think anymore. I want to be happy. I want to have what I don't have. Why can't I stop worrying about what I want and just be grateful for what I do have? So, I'm going to spend the rest of my days with my cats...that should be fine. I should be OK with whatever God has chosen for me.

I'm having a hard time hearing what He's saying to me. My ears are clogged. I clean them out and junk keeps coming out of them, its never ending. I want to truly hear what God is telling me. I have a tendency to hear what I want to hear. I have a hard time discerning what is something I am actually saying to myself not what God is saying. I'm foggy....I can't tell the difference right now. I feel chaotic. I feel like I should hole up. I'm too dangerous to my own heart to be allowed out among the people. I have such a high hope that they get dashed immediately.

I don't even know. I want to serve God! I love Jesus! I want to do what He wants me to do. How can I actually hear? How? I have some blockage! I want that blockage gone. I made a promise to myself, I broke it. I prayed today with a good friend and as we prayed God gave me this verse.

Ruth 3:18 Then Naomi said to her, "Just be patient, my daughter, until we hear what happens. The man won't rest until he has settled things today."

How can I wait when I don't even know what I'm waiting for? That is my question. I need to know what it is I'm waiting for. I'm so weary of hoping. I'm so weary of opening a part of myself then closing it tighter each time I shut the door. Its time I opened that door completely once and for all and took the risk of whatever is on the other side.

My life is in a renewal stage. There is a new step, phase, opening in my life. I can feel it. It scares me. Like jumping into the deep end of pool being afraid of how cold its going to be. Sometimes it is cold at first, but then my body regulates. I don't want everything to be such a struggle for me. I'm worn out. I'm tired of struggling. I prayed for confirmation on this day and God gave me my confirmation. It was not what I wanted. I was wrong yet again. I am having a hard time discerning.

Except.

There is one message that has come out above all the muck. I need to hold dear to that message and give everything else to Him. I give it all to Him.

God loves me!

your sister in Christ,

Jennifir

PS: this was just a rambling of thoughts...not a teaching...just a struggle I am having right now. Please keep me in your prayers.

2009-09-25T21:37:00.002-04:00

I got this sudden need to go to Lake Junaluska today. For those of you who don't know, its a small, man made lake in Waynesville, North Carolina. A nice place to walk or sit. As I sat there, I could hear the little waterfall flowing. It calmed my racing mind. My racing heart. I am unsure. I feel lost. In limbo. Pushed out of the scheme of things. A little afraid. I don't know what I'm afraid of, but I am. As I grow closer to a true acceptance that I may never marry again, my heart pounds inside. I feel a rejection. A rejection from everyone because I feel I am not good enough. God is slowly showing me I am, but it is a timely process. Tears gather behind my eyes. Ready to fall of their own accord, in my selfishness. In my attempt at making myself a victim. A victim of circumstance. I can't help but think back to the man who skewed my whole view of my worth as a woman and not be angry. He taught me my worth was only sexual at such a young age. I am angry at him. I have to continuously forgive him and the craziest thing is, I was not near violated as so many have been. My experience was small, yet it has affected me for years afterward and even now. I have to forgive him. I have to forgive myself for allowing it to happen. Even now, the shame is clear as day. I feel as if I caused it to happen. I was too pretty. Too needy even then. It wasn't my fault! I have to forgive myself more than I have to forgive him. Sometimes, it is in needing to forgive ourselves that we are unable to move on. I vow to forgive myself and realizing I was just a child. I was just a child!

And now, I admit, I grasp onto that victimness I acquired so long ago and use it as an excuse. Use it to continue to treat myself as a victim. A victim of circumstance. A victim of life. I need to stop making myself a victim for I am not! I am God's little girl! My current circumstances are a product of my choices. I chose to eat the chocolate cake with the mindset, "Who cares how fat I get? No matter what I weigh no man will ever truly love me." I choose to allow myself to be drawn in by men below the standards I should have for myself, biblical standards, therefore I have suffered many disappointments and heartbreaks. But what good Christian man would want a tainted woman like me? I keep getting caught up in this pattern. I can't help but think of Galatians 5:16-18, where Paul talks about the battle inside of us between the Holy Spirit and our sinful nature. We must ask for freeing everyday if not more. At least I do. I know there is a heated battle going on inside my heart and that is why it feels so unsettled. I see it and know it, but it doesn't make it not hurt.

Why can't I let go of this pattern? I find myself turning to food or trying to vie for the attentions of this man or that. All to cover up my loneliness. Psalm 91 is one of the many places in God's word that tells me exactly where I can go to alleviate my loneliness....so why do I choose to go a route I know I will get hurt? The feelings of continuous rejection because I just don't seem good enough for anyone. I get stuck! I'm so tired of getting my legs caught in the mud.

Why should it even matter if I'm good enough for anyone or not when I know I am good enough for God because I was made right by Jesus' sacrifice for me on the cross. It is only by grace am I made right. (Romans 3:23-26) But it does matter to me, to my human, lonely heart. I am so mad at myself for allowing the enemy to come in and make it matter so much. I am disappointed time and time again by men and other people in my life. I put my trust into them instead of God. All that should matter is that I know Jesus loves me. All that should matter is to truly realize the sacrifice God made for me just because He loves me! God loves me! The tainted one! The one who allowed herself to be shown pornography and touched by the age of eight. God loves me! The one who was a Buddhist. The one who was promiscuous and experimented with drugs. God loves me! He has forgiven me for all those things. Now, it is time I forgive myself! I am just so weary worrying about what others think of me. I only want to worry what God thinks of me. I want my Daddy proud of me!

I am going through growing pains in my spiritual growth, just as I did as a little girl as I grew. My legs would hurt so bad I would cry all night long until I got ben-gay on my legs. It is a struggle to truly learn how to go from being a victim to being God's obedient little girl. I am not a victim. I must wrench free from this pattern. But I cannot do it. I must step back and allow Jesus to free me. But I must ask and believe. (Mark 9:24 The father instantly cried out, "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!" ) I cry this verse out to Jesus. I finally admit that I do have unbelief. That I need help to overcome that unbelief. But I must ask Him. (Mark 9:29 Jesus replied, "This kind can be cast out only by prayer." There are some demons, some patterns that can only be cast out when we ask Jesus to cast it out. I am asking Jesus to cast out my need to be a victim. My loneliness. I have to let go and give everything to God.

I need to stop trying to create my own love story, direct my own friendships. I must follow God's path, not mine. (Proverbs 21:24, 3:6)

Then why is it so hard to obey? To put one foot in front of the other? To step where God directs me? I can tell you partly why it is so hard for me. I don't trust Him enough, oh God forgive me, to allow Him to take over. I feel He won't give me what I think I need so I have to get it myself. I am not trusting in God with all my heart. But with all my heart I want to.

Yes, I am being honest. I am looking at myself. I am sharing my struggle. My greatest desire is to trust God with all my heart, mind, and soul, yet I am afraid to take what is within my reach. And that is all that He has for me. God has so much for me. Why won't I trust Him that He will give it to me as I am ready, in His right time? I am but a human, thirty-three year old woman who has spent most of my life learning how to do things on my own.

It is time for me to realize that I don't have do that with God. I am not on my own anymore. I don't have to create chance encounters with that certain guy I am interested in. God will have me meet the one for me when it is time. I just have to have faith in God. Use this time of waiting so that I may grow closer in my relationship with Jesus. I have wasted so many precious moments hoping that special someone is around the corner, always looking for him. And maybe he is, but how will I know if I don't follow in Jesus' footsteps instead of trying to create my own path?

I have felt blah. Out of sorts. I know I am in yet another transition stage. I can't see anything as in a movie when it goes to the next scene. There's that split second transition of blackness. It may not feel split second to me right now, but it is. In God's time. And as that transition fades and moves me into the next step I will be that much closer to Jesus.

I am so grateful for all I have learned, am learning and will learn. It is no easy path, but it is the path to the light. The eternal life I yearn for. True love. True acceptance. Eternal life. And the only way there is through Jesus Christ. I choose to pick up my cross, bear it, and walk that path through the rocky terrain, the level ground, the steep mountain sides, during heavy downpours and light drizzles. I choose to walk in the way. Straight for Jesus Christ.

your sister in Christ,

Jennifir

I am cleansed by the blood of Jesus

2009-09-07T21:27:00.003-04:00

(written by Jennifir)

Isaiah 1:25

I will raise my fist against you.

I will melt you down and skim off your slag.

I will remove all your impurities.

This verse touches me deeply. This is what has been going on in my life. As a walking dead woman, a sinner who had to yet to be forgiven, God's fist was raised against me. He could not see me nor hear me. Not until the night of March 15, 2008 when my heart cried out to Jesus and I confessed of my sins and asked for forgiveness and asked Jesus into my heart. Sins that had made a much of my life. A huge mess. A cleansing process began that night.

The first part of any cleansing process requires the removing of the grime. I had grime that had been caked to the walls of my heart for so long it would take a scraping process with some heavy duty cleaners aka the unconditional love of Jesus Christ, to even clean the surface. This process caused bleeding, peeling, chipping away of the original paint. Paint that must be removed because the impurities, my sins, were attached to it. It meant letting go of things, ideas, thoughts, activities, music, movies, even people in order to be truly cleansed.

Once the walls are bare, there is an empty canvas. New walls ready to be repainted, rebuilt, made new. I came out looking, feeling, entirely different. I am not the same person I was almost two years ago. It doesn't mean life is easier, but it is better. I am not constantly laden with guilt like I was. I know I am forgiven. I know there is no condemnation for me because I belong to Jesus Christ. (Romans 8:1)

As I cleared out, shared, tossed the sins and experiences of my meager life Saturday night I reflected on this and realized it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. All that matters is I am not condemned. I am a new person now that Christ is in me. I am transformed from the inside out. (Romans 8:1-4 & Romans 12:1-2)

Isn't it awesome to know that God loves us so much? He recognizes that we are too weak to follow the law of Moses and by His grace sent us the best gift we could ever receive. The blood of Jesus to cleanse us. To wash away our sins. I can't help but be grateful and in awe of how much God loves me as I think on all the sins I have done and yet He did not forsake me. When I asked, He forgave me. He forgot. Even as I continue to sin for I am one of the worst of sinners. He still forgives and forgets and for no other other reason except He loves me. God, my Father, loves me! It is I who can't seem to forgive myself. What makes me think I am greater than God that I cannot forgive myself? But God can and does! It is time I got over myself. Forgive myself and realize I am human and I will make mistakes. I ask God to guide me in my continuous healing as I anxiously await the day I get to see Jesus face to face.

A God who can send a hug through a little girl is a great God indeed. He is my God....my rock! He can do anything. He can move mountains. He can change hearts. He can do what I think is impossible such as show me that I am worthy to be loved especially by Him. God is so amazing and as I contemplate Isaiah 43:19 with an excited heart I cannot help but smile with the comfort that Jesus was and is and always will be by my side. He will never forsake me.

Isaiah 53:6

All of us like sheep, have strayed away.

We have left God's paths to follow our own.

Yet the Lord laid on him

the sins of us all.

If this isn't the greatest act of love, I don't know what is. Despite all my sin, despite straying from my Father, He still sent His son to die for my sins and cleanse me so that I may be new again. Born again. This is why I love Jesus so much. He saved me from the path of destruction I was running on and placed my feet upon a path toward the light! Jesus Christ!

There is no such thing as hopelessness with Jesus in your corner...

2009-09-01T21:30:00.002-04:00

(written by Jennifir)

Isaiah 43:19

"For I am about to do something new.

See, I have already begun!

Do you not see it?

I will make a pathway through the wilderness.

I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

I can't remember exactly where I was sitting when God put the image of the address of Isaiah 43:19 in my mind. I was actually sitting. Quietly. No television. No computer. No cellphone. A very rare moment indeed. I have not had quiet moments like that lately. Quiet moments where where I won't miss when God is simply wanting me to see something. It was about a week before the bottom really fell out of my already rickety life. God had slowly been opening my eyes over the weeks. It was that week I truly saw the precariousness of my situation.

I was living a lie. I was going to church. I was going to work. I was pretending everything was OK when in reality my life was a shambles. I couldn't hide it from myself anymore. I was beginning to be unable to hide it from those around me. Those who are close to me. It was time to see, let go, and really let God to begin cleaning up my life. Oh what a stinky mess it had become. I felt as if I were walking on a tightrope that was about to snap with no training.

It was time for the wall of pride that I had built so tightly around my heart to be shattered. Before God can do anything new in my heart, my life, the old had to be destroyed. One of the most painful things I have done recently to to admit and allow others to step in and help me. One of my closest friends had to draw out of me one morning at the altar just what was really happening in my life. I realize now God had a plan. That He knew I was a month away of becoming near homeless. He knew that it was time to demolish the wall of pride once and for all. He moved in me. My friend held me while I cried. She's such a strong woman and her sternness with me is exactly what I needed and she saw that.

I admitted that I could not go on any longer as I had been. Pretending. Playacting. Not paying my rent or this bill so I could pay that bill or this bill. I could not afford my living expenses anymore, actually had not been for months. Something had to change. Something had to give and it started with that wall of pride. I felt it crumble in a heap at my feet. I felt the rubble being cleaned from around the ground I stood as I told her. As I told my pastor and his wife. As I asked for prayer on the next Wednesday night. God was showing me: You can't do any of this on your own. I will provide. Let me bless this church family you are a part of who truly loves you by allowing them to love on you. Oh my, that was hard. To allow them to step in and help me. Guide me. Teach me. As the rubble was brushed from my shoulders and feet. I began to feel lighter.

I began to see the something new. God has given me a new life. A new chance. He has made a pathway through the wilderness of hopelessness. I was so deep in it. I could not see anything around me. He placed me on the heart of people who truly love me. They offered me a place to live. A new home. And none too soon. Not long after that I received a summons to small claims court. My landlord was suing me for back rent. I had thought we had discussed and worked out that I was going to pay him back. I understand his concerns as well. But I was still devastated and scared. I couldn't pay it all at once. There was no way. I went to court and it worked out just as it should. I have to pay it back, which I planned, but now, I have longer to do so.

Something new. As I sit at Mamaw's kitchen table in my new home, I realize just how light I feel. Jesus took my burdens from me. He lightened my load. God is cleaning my life up so I may focus on Him and serve Him without so many worries. He promises He will provide the means to do as He has called us to do. This cleanup is a part of the process of providing the means. He amazes me so!

This is not all to say that there are not consequences from my bad choices, but there is a peace in my heart I haven't felt since the night I was saved. He has saved me yet again! Amen to that. There is the first salvation of acknowledging Jesus as my savior, but there is the daily, hourly, sometimes every minute salvation I seem to need a lot. From my sinful nature. (Galatians 5:16-18) I must be saved from my sinful nature so I may serve God with a clean, open heart. There is a constant battle waged around us and within us we don't always see. Our sinful nature still lives within us and battles with the Holy Spirit who we desire to follow. It helps me to be aware that I cannot fight this fight. That I need to let go, allow the Holy Spirit to fill me and fight the battle. I must stand firm as God instructs in Ephesians 6. As He instructs in 2 Chronicles 20:15-20. Just stand still and praise the Lord. That's all we have to do...love our heavenly Father! Nothing can crush satan more than hearing our shouts of adoration for our Father even as the odds seemed to be stacked against us. There i s no obstacle too big for God.

For nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37)

It all boils down to faith. I have faith even as the storm rages around me that God loves me and will hold me as I ride the rough waters in His very secure boat. I have to trust in Him that I will not drown and He will deliver me. I have not stopped praising Him. I tell Jesus everyday just how much I love Him!

My life has entered a new chapter written by Him. I am ecstatic and excited to see the plans He has for me.

I am in love with Jesus!

Pebble in my heart

2009-08-08T16:09:00.002-04:00

(written by Jennifir)

Habakkuk 3:19

The Sovereign Lord is my strength!

He makes me as surefooted as a deer,

able to tread upon the heights.

Jesus is the pebble. My heart a calm pool of water. He drops gracefully into the very center of my heart as soon as I invite Him in. The ripples flow all around Him. The waters of my heart are stirred. At times, it seems so calm on the surface. The ripples are smooth, in a perfect circle. They reach out to the waters around me. The calm hearts that surround me. The pebble stirs my waters from deep within. The wellspring of who I am now that I belong to Him. (Proverbs 4:23) Jesus changes me from the inside out. My desires transform slowly into His desires. The ripples break the further they go as they hit rocks or other obstacles. It is peaceful having a calm heart, yet unfulfilled. I desire my heart to be stirred. The ripples of my love for God touch all those they overlap. I drink of the Holy Spirit. I am so thirsty that I don't pay attention to the excess spilling from my heart. Splashing onto those around me. That they too may be blessed with God's love. I say Jesus is a pebble, but in my life He has been more of a large boulder! This is not a bad thing.

When I asked Him into my heart, there was a huge splash! The biggest droplets of water one could imagine splashed hard onto spectators around me. Some ran as far as they could, others became as thirsty as me. They very essence of who I thought I was was completely shaken up. Everything inside was rearranged and shifted. It was shocking, like jumping into the deep end of a very cold pool. But once the shock wore off, I was completely submerged and my body had regulated to the new temperature. Don't get me wrong. My hair gets all tangly and water in my eyes, but the temperature of my life will never be the same. I was forever changed the first time I asked the boulder of Jesus Christ into the calm, hardened, cold pool of my heart. I have asked Him to jump time and time again. Sometimes, it is just a pebble, sometimes a large rock. Whatever He deemed necessary for me to learn. However shaken up He felt was necessary for me to move forward in my walk with Him. But there will never be the splash of that first time. The birth splash! The splash that broke all the locks on my heart.

I've been reading this book called Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. As I read it, I see that I am very much like the main character, Much-Afraid. I'm afraid of so much around me. I'm afraid of commitment, even to God. I'm afraid to trust. To have faith. I desire these things so much, above everything else, yet I'm afraid to completely yield myself to God.

There's a small part me that feels I am the one He will decide to not come through for. That He will ask me to never marry again. To never have a small slice of happiness. That I am destined to live a life of acceptance of joy of how it is now. I'm afraid to hope for the future. I'm afraid to believe that I am allowed to dream. I find myself dreaming of something and immediately squashing it. Telling myself: Who do you think you are? You'll never have that. It hurts. It is my lameness right now. I'm not saying any of this is true. I'm just saying that my mind thinks these things. I have been reading Song of Solomon the past couple of days. God has sent me there a couple of different ways. I'm still not sure what His message is. I've read it twice today. One verse that does hit me hard is 1:13 My lover is like a sachet of myrrh lying between my breasts. Last time, God had me in the Song of Solomon this verse stood out. He's having to show me again. Jesus, that boulder, that pebble, the Holy Spirit, is your lover. He resides deep in my heart between my breasts. He is the Holy Spirit. He is always with me.

I just want to reach those high places. I am an impatient, little goose. I am God's little goose. I want it all now. I want to stand on top of the mountain, whole and happy, now. What a product of the microwave generation I am! I am like Much-Afraid, I see myself as lame and unworthy. I can't imagine myself as a completely different person. The one God actually intended me to be. How can I, of all people go to the high places, Heaven, where I must be perfect. Although, I know I am going to heaven. The seed of the Holy Spirit lies deep within my heart. I believe Jesus was born as a man, died and rose again for my sin. Whoa! Me...little old me...that ugly duckling who hardly anyone takes a second glance at. But I know the answer to this question. I am imperfect in the world's eyes, in my eyes, but not God's. He is using these times of suffering. These times of hardship to mold me. To prune me into the perfect little goose for Him. In His eyes I am perfect. He is working on me as I write. I have to remain still. I keep wanting to wiggle around. Fight Him. Don't I realize if I sit still it will be more of a calm rippling rather than a huge wave crashing down on me.

Why am I unable to sit still? My mind does not want to slow down. The waters of my heart need to remain calm no matter the storm raging around me. I have to trust in God, even when it seems He is leading me to the darkest corners of life. He truly only wants the best for me. I know that as part of my growth, it is necessary for me to walk the less pleasant parts of the path. Even go in a direction that seems like it is away from the high places when in truth it is not. It only appears so to me because I cannot see the whole picture. I cannot see God's plan. I have to trust that He does have a plan. I have to follow Him with no question. Stop fighting. Today, I choose to trust God and if I know me I will have to make this choice everyday, maybe a few times a day. I may walk up to that steep mountain feeling hopeless, but when I get closer and really look, He has always shown me how to climb it. He will always provide the means, even if the means themselves seem a little crazy. He could move that mountain but He chooses not to and I am grateful for this. I must learn to climb it, I know this deep in my heart. I want to climb. I even get a little excited. A thrill goes into my heart. To know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. And in that I know I am never alone even if it appears that way. All I have to do is call out to Jesus, but I must push past my fear, my pride, my harsh judgement of myself and call! He sees all that goes on with me. He knows my needs, but He wants me to ask. He walks with me indefinitely. He is forever with me. I must go to Him and seek Him for what I need and desire. In doing so, I submit to his will. I show Him I trust Him. I love Him.

God is an amazing God. He is bigger than anything I could ever imagine. He breathed life into me. I seek Him!

Faith!

2009-08-02T13:16:00.002-04:00

(written by Jennifir)

Hebrews 11:1

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for

will actually happen; it gives us assurance about

things we cannot see.

I have struggled with faith. With trust. Life has not been easy for many years. Life got harder after I was saved. I was warned, the very second night of my new life that the Christian walk is not a bed of roses. That my life would not instantly become peachy, but something inside me did not fully believe this. Somewhere deep inside I thought life would become easy as pie. But you know, there are some pies that are just plain hard to make. God would take care of everything. Wipe not only my mistakes and forgive me of my sins, but erase the consequences. That is not the case. I must still suffer the consequences of my choices. I was under the impression that He would make my finances all better, cure my loneliness, all right away, mind you. He does do these things, but not as we think. And in His time, not mine. I just knew I would have that perfect life I always dreamed of.

The opposite happened. My life fell apart. My daughter was with me less. Bills seemed to be piling up while a source of income was wrenched from beneath me. A relationship ended. I was suddenly so alone or so I thought. Yes, I clung desperately to Jesus. Through these storms. These droughts. These times of anguish. I held tight to Him. To the promise of better times. But what I was and am still grasping I may not see better times until I am in heaven. I must be content with my circumstances.

I remember thinking this can't last too much longer. I've gone all my life with nothing. Surely, God won't make me live the rest of my life with nothing. But he's not. I have eternal life and His Holy Spirit inside me. A year and a half later, I am broker than I have ever been and lonelier than I have ever been. My hope beginning to wane. I finally realized a few weeks ago that I had become angry. I was angry at God. I understood that it would be hard for a little while, but a year and a half? I was like come on. Enough's enough. I was mad. I was disappointed. When was it going to end? When was I going to see those blessings he promised? It wasn't until I admitted to God I was angry with him and forgave myself for being angry at him that some of the fog cleared. That I saw the many blessings he has given me. That I need to stop looking through worldly eyes. Let God transform me from the inside out. The enemy would want me to think God wants me to suffer needlessly. That is a lie. I asked God for forgiveness. I forgave myself for my anger toward Him. For not having enough faith. For losing trust in Him.

He showed me that He was using my weaknesses, my trials to strengthen me for His plans for me. Jeremiah 29:11-14. It was not being able see the full plans that frustrated me on top of it all. I wanted to know all the plans right away. I wanted to know why? I went to Ecclesiastes and read 11:5 and realized it is not for me to understand. I turned to Proverbs 20:21 and Proverbs 20:24. My logical, analytical human brain wanted to understand what I could possibly never understand.

God has pruned much from my life. He has not stepped in and snatched me from my problems, but He has held my hand and directed my every step. He wants me to trust Him. I can't trust Him if I have all I think I need. I won't lean on Him. He wants me to have faith that he has my best interests at heart even if it doesn't seem like it. That I must rejoice in my trials. In my loneliness. That He does have a reason for not taking the bitter cup from my hand. I see that now. If He had removed that cup my faith would not have grown as it has. I had to hit rock bottom. As I felt all hope seeping from my weary bones. As the realty of having no place to live really hit me, He has knocked another wall from my heart. The wall of pride. He has been telling me for so long. "You have to ask for help, my little goose." I refused to submit and obey(James 4:7) until last Sunday. It was then a huge ball began to roll through the wall and it shattered into a million pieces. How can anyone help me if they don't know a need is there? I had to ask. I had to allow His children to be blessed by Him by allowing them to help me. How hard that is for me!

God has blessed me great this past week alone. He sent me to a tire place where the man in charge has a heart for single moms. He put me on the heart of great friends and now I will have a new place to live without all the financial stress to bog me down. I will be free of worry so I may work for God. I have been so blessed. Thank you Jesus for showing me that the bitter cup I carried was not financial worries or loneliness although the enemy dyed it those colors. No, what was really in that cup was the need to admit my anger, fear, and pride. Thank you for staying by my side. For being my rock. Psalm 16 is one of my most favorite Psalms because it speaks of trusting God's people. It speaks of not being shaken because God is beside us and will not allow us to be shaken. It speaks of hearing in our hearts what God is saying to us. It speaks of the resurrection of the Holy One, Jesus Christ, by not allowing him to rot in the grave. I love this Psalm. In my darkest times God fans the light of Jesus with it for me.

So, my point is no matter what, keep your faith. Have confidence change is coming but in God's time. I also asked Him to remove temptation. We must go through a cleanup process. It is not an overnight process or even a process that happens in a few months. There is much deconstruction of old ways (and for me there are many, buddhism, alcohol, drugs, sex..) to be done before construction can begin. It is a painful process, but necessary and God will use it in the ministry He has chosen for me. I cling to Him as my pastor referred me to John 3:14 "And as Moses lifted the bronze snake on a pole in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up,". I look to Jesus during every aspect of my walk and even more so in the painful times. He may not keep the bites of life from striking me, but He has promised to heal those bites if I look to Him in faith and ask Him to heal me.

I love Jesus so much!

I am so grateful to Him!

Jesus knocked, I heard, I answered....

2009-07-18T15:53:00.002-04:00

I'm a mess in so many ways. I don't know how to not be a mess. My house is a mess. My finances are a mess. My heart is a mess. I'm on that narrow part of my journey that has briers and thorns on each side. I can't help but get scratched. I keep my focus on you, Jesus. I know where I want to be. My heart desires you. Even as the briers scratch at me, dig into my flesh. Rip my clothes. Even as the rocks on the steep path beneath my feet penetrate my shoes, I have a goal, a focus. Your light, Jesus. I fight hard as I am scratched, distracted by the blood of trials and temptations as they run down my arms, legs, back, inside my heart. I can see your light. I never lose sight of you, Jesus. I praise you through all of it. I know you are by my side, always as you promised in Psalm 16:7-8 I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me. I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. This is not the only place God promises us this. Psalm 37:23-24 The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fail, for the Lord holds them by the hand. I will stumble along that path, the path headed toward the light, Jesus, but the Lord will not let go of me. I may let go of him, but like a kitten's mother, he will carry me by the scruff of my neck. I may meow in protest the whole way. But I will not be shaken. I will not be shaken because I am strong for I am so very weak. Oh my, it is truly humbling to truly contemplate how weak and small I really am. It is only through Christ in me am I made made strong. Philippians 4:13 For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.

Living this life, what my flesh would consider a mediocre, lonely life is so hard. There are times I feel so weak and drained all I want to do is pack up and give up. Just hide away. Tuck myself into a corner with myself. I can't do that. My heart is so entwined with God's that I just can't bring myself to withdraw. I want to live this life to the fullest make my Daddy in heaven proud of his little girl. I remind myself during these periods of depression who has won. Who has overcome the world. Who I may have peace in. Jesus! John 16:33 God never promised he would take our cup from us, but he did promise he would never leave us as we drank from that cup no matter how bitter the taste. He would guide us through it. He would use us in that circumstance. He would teach us something through that situation. I truly believe all things happen for a reason. There is a purpose for our circumstances as I heard Loui Giglio say in How Great is Our God. What a comfort it is to know that all I feel, experience, see, and so on is not for naught but will be used as part of God's plan for me and those he uses me to touch. In that revelation, I become joyous and glad to drink from that bitter cup.

I may never see what that purpose is, but I take great comfort in knowing there is a purpose. Romans 8:28 That it is all a part of God's plan. The big picture. I have to step outside of my little box and it is little and truly come to realize that I am small! That I am but one piece in a big amazing picture. Plan. I thank God that there is so much more than this life here on earth. I praise God as I struggle through one of the biggest thorns in my side at this time in my life. Loneliness. There is so much that I may not have seen if I had not clung to so desperately to Jesus in my loneliness. I rejoice in my loneliness. In my trials. It is during these times he shows me the lost. It is during these times I become humbled, let go of my pride and cry out to Jesus. Admit I cannot fix my own problems. Or clean myself up. The only one who will nerve let me down is Jesus. It is during these times I am glad and rejoice because I become Christ's partner in suffering. (1 Peter 4:12-19) In his purpose of drawing the lost to the Father. God desires all his children come home. He wants to use us to draw them. I want to be used to draw as many of the lost home. I am so grateful for those who allowed him to use them to draw me home.

I cringe at the idea of so many not coming home. So many making the choice to be turned away at the day of judgement. I cannot fathom the eternal punishment they will endure because Jesus did not know them. To not be turned away no matter their sins. All they have to do is believe that God came to earth in the form of man, Jesus. Suffered as no one has ever suffered, died and was resurrected. He knew no sin, but was sacrificed for the sin of all. It is only by his grace and mercy that I am saved. Everyone can experience salvation. True love. This rebirth to live forever with the one who loves us unconditionally. Unfailing. Forever. But we must choose to open our hearts. We must choose to listen. We must choose to open that door when Jesus knocks on the door of our heart. We must believe. I pray now as I write this that everyone opens that door as I did on March 15, 2008. Open that door wide and let Jesus take on all your burdens. Let him transform you into his child. Let him use you, teach you, guide you. What an honor it is to be a living sacrifice and used for God's great plan. My greatest desire is to be so close to him that he is all I can see. I cry out to be used by him because I love him so much.

Revelation 3:20-21

"Look! I stand at the door and knock .

If you hear my voice and open the door,

I will come in,

and we will share a meal together as friends.

Those who are victorious will sit with me on my throne,

just as I was victorious and sat with my Father on his throne.

a wandering mind....

2009-07-03T16:28:00.003-04:00

(written by Jennifir)

I don't know where to begin. What to think. My mind wants to keep going, wander. As I sit at my desk, I pray. I read through Micah. Wow what an amazing book. A book full of hope for the eternal life God has promised me. That as I am nothing but a remnant. Nothing but a sinner in filthy rags he still wants me. He still loves me! I am a remnant, but I am God's remnant. I am his daughter. And he has promised to take me out of exile. He does not promise that life is going to be easy. That I am not going to suffer or have trials. He does promise of better days to come. When I am taken from exile. I will be rescued. Micah 4:10 Writhe and groan like a woman in labor, you people of Jerusalem, for now you must leave the city to live in the open country. You will soon be sent into exile to distant Babylon. But the Lord will rescue you there; he will redeem you from the grip of your enemies. My personal babylon is my loneliness. My sinful nature. The chains that keep trying to close in on me. My trials, but I must take heart. I must put my hope in the Lord. He has sent a rescuer, a redeemer, the King of Kings. This time in exile is only temporary. Thank God!

God will not allow me to stay in exile forever. Because I have chosen to believe. I have chosen to turn from my wicked ways and believe in Christ Jesus. I have chosen to believe deep in my heart that my rescuer, my redeemer, my savior, the one who paid for my sins who knew no sins died and rose again is Jesus! And it is through Jesus only that I am no longer among the wicked. I am made righteous through Jesus. Through the grace God has shown me by sending his only son to die for me. My sins! I can't understand, I only have to believe! And I do!

Romans 3:23-26

For everyone who has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard.

Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares we are righteous.

He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the

penalty for our sins.

People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus

sacrificed his life,

shedding his blood.

This sacrifice shows that God was being fair

when he held back and did not punish

those who sinned in the past,

for he was looking ahead and including them in

what he would do in this present time.

God did this to demonstrate his righteousness,

for he himself is fair and just,

and he declares sinners to be right

in his sight when they believe in Jesus.

I am such a sinner. There are times I feel so dirty, so filthy, that I have no business walking into church. As of late, I have felt so weak, so sinful, so awful. This morning I had to stop in my tracks. Find a different place to spread my bible and notebook. To cry out to express my love for God whose love is unfailing. I cried to to Jesus. I boldly told him my sins. I've been so weak as of late. It was hard to admit them, but I finally humbled myself to admit to him what he already knew. I boldly asked him for forgiveness. As I felt his love washing over me I found myself quoting Romans 8:1 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. I quoted it out loud. I yelled it out to satan. I am not condemned. Yes, I am a sinner, but I am forgiven! I am made right because I believe Jesus shed his blood for me, because I belong to Jesus. I just want to shout it from the hill tops. "I BELONG TO CHRIST JESUS!" I want to be sure satan really hears. I remind him he has already lost. I quote John 16:33 "I have told you all this so thay you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." I quote it out loud to satan. To myself. It is comforting to me and a reminder to satan that he has no hold on me. He has lost. Jesus has already overcome him!!

I believe! I believe Jesus Christ is my savior. I am no longer among the wicked, the unbelievers, but among the remnant. I'd rather be a remnant than an ungodly person who has everything here on this temporary earth. I love Jesus. What a sacrifice he made for me! And He will and has forgiven me. He will clean me up and take me home along with all his flock. Oh, how I pray and long that all all his children go home with him. That so many more will learn to trust and believe in Jesus Christ so they may no longer live among the wicked, the living dead. That they be made righteous through the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross for all of us! Saved and unsaved. He wants to save all of us. I truly believe in my heart that is why he has not called us home yet, he wants to draw as many as possible. Give as many of his children as possible a chance to choose him. As I sit here contemplating, I am so grateful that there is no condemnation. That my sins, my bad decisions may be turned around to use me as a living sacrifice and renew my mind. To bring me closer to my Lord, my Lord in heaven. Romans 12:1-2

I want to conclude my wandering thoughts with the last three verses in Micah. Oh, what promises! And the best part is, God is The One, the Only One, who never breaks his promises! Amen! I write these out in praise and worship to my God!!!

Micah 7:18-20

Where is another God like you,

who pardons the guilt of the remnant,

overlooking the sins of his special people?

You will not stay angry with your

people forever,

because you delight in showing

unfailing love.

Once again you will have compassion on us.

You will trample our sins under your feet

and throw them into the depths of

the ocean!

You will show us your faithfulness and

unfailing love

as you promised to our ancestors Abraham

and Jacob long ago.

I love Jesus!!!!

ants! Oh my!

2009-06-20T12:06:00.002-04:00

(written by Jennifir)

Matthew 6:33

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,

and all these things will be given to you as well.

Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Thursday night as I sat outside on the the concrete sidewalk at Faith Community Church I spent some time talking to God. I sat still as he instructs and began to focus on an ant that had crawled onto my paper. I watched him as he moved fast in one direction, then switched in another. He was seeking. Seeking food. Seeking the desire of his little ant heart. He was hungry. Hungry for whatever morsel he could find. As I watched him my heart went out to him. I began thinking of how I was before I chose to believe in Jesus. How I was very much like this ant who is seeking and his path is not straight, but he has a focus. He just couldn't see it. I couldn't see what I was seeking for so long. I was searching. Stumbling on this and that. Stumbling on buddhism. Stumbling on new age stuff like tarot cards and astrology. Stumbling onto men. Stumbling onto alcohol. Stumbling onto all the things I thought I should be desiring. I was left so unsatisfied. Still seeking. And sometimes when we seek we turn down a very dark path. And I did. I was a buddhist for nearly thirteen years. It wasn't until Jesus shown through so many people at work did I start to see a direction to seek in. A direction toward Jesus. Until I turned and there he was. I saw him. I felt him. I asked him into my heart on March 15, 2008.

I had someone ask me one day how I went from being a buddhist to a lover of Jesus overnight. The answer is simple. God can move mountains. God can change hearts. When God wants to draw someone to Jesus he will turn their lives upside down and draw them. He chose to draw me in a way I could no longer ignore that night and I gladly, joyously turned from buddhism. I am so grateful He chose to draw me the way he did. I love him so much. I think back to my life before I was saved. Before I was in love with Jesus and am amazed I am still here. But the answer to that is simple. It was God's will for me to live through all I have been. He had plans for me. He has had plans for me since way before I was ever born. Jesus saw me as he hung on the cross. That is so cool. It makes all that I have seen, done, and been through worth every bit of it. I wouldn't change any of it because I would not be who I am today. I would not be so on fire for Jesus as I am now. I am totally on fire for him. I pray his will be done. Not mine. I have to keep giving back to him what I give him. It is a constant battle to not grab a hold of something on my journey toward him and not let go. But I must trust him. I declare today on this hot beautiful day made by my Lord in heaven that I will do all I can to trust in him. And I ask him for his help.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.

It is not for me to understand why it was so easy for me to turn from many of my old ways so easily. It is only for me to trust him in all he asks me to do. I trust him with all my heart. I don't want to be like that ant, following a crazy zigzag path that keeps taking me to the same places. I chose to follow Jesus and let him pave my path!

I know this has been a rambling blog, but my heart is on a ramble. I am just so in love with Jesus!!

Jesus is the living bread!

2009-06-13T10:21:00.002-04:00

(written by Jennifir)

John 6:26 Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth,

you want to be with me because I fed you,

not because you understand the miraculous signs."

Oh, I so don't want to be like this. I want to be with Jesus because I love Him, not because of what He can and will do for me. I just want to see Him, touch Him. Love Him. I want to be like Zacchaues (Luke 19:1-9). Just climb a tree so I can catch a glimpse of Him as He goes by and nothing more. Yet, as I struggle to not be so selfish, I find myself seeking Him out so He can give me things, from spiritual to emotional to material. And these miracles, small and large are amazing. I need to be grateful for them and use them to build my faith and purify my heart not seek Him out to do more for me. I need to be content with my current circumstances and trust in God. That He has a plan for me.

Jesus is the bread of life. He tells us over and over in John 6. John 6:33, 35, 41, 48, 51, 58. Jesus is all I truly need. If I seek Him and only Him He will provide everything I need in order to worship, love, and believe in Him with all my heart. (Matthew 6:29-35) He will provide. All I need to do is seek Him, grow close to Him. I need Jesus above all else. He should be my main focus. My manna of true substance.

As I seek Him, He paves the path. He guides me. He shows me His footsteps, one step at a time. He changes my desires. It is a difficult and painful process. The severing of the sinful nature. There are some sins that are so deeply rooted that unless I give them over to Jesus, I will never be free of them. I can't do it on my own. I'm a mere human. A sinner. The dead limbs of these sins are still attached by veins and it hurts, is bloody, and causes many tears as Jesus saws it from the healthy part of my soul, heart, and body. There are times my arms flail in protest and pain. I lash out. I cuss. In the end, it is worth it. The whole time He is telling me this is for your good , my little love. This is in the way. This is a blur in your faith. You asked for my help and I am here to help. There are times I have wrenched the saw from His loving hands and he has let me because it is my choice. Oh, the grace and mercy He showers upon me! I stumble. I cry until I relent and hand it back it to Him. I know in my heart if I don't allow Him to take this dead branch from me it will contaminate the living part of me. It is all part of my broken heartedness being healed. Sometimes the healing process is more painful than when the actual wound was afflicted. It is all part of the renewing of my mind and learning to be a true living sacrifice. (Romans 12:1-2) I must be cleaned up by Jesus in order to give myself to Him.

The past week has been a very difficult week of severing and a week of blessings. I am so grateful that although it hurts, although, the tears stream down my cheeks and stain my shirt, I let Him heal me. (Psalm 126:5-6) This week He has worked on the part of me that wants to hold onto guilt. To constantly beat myself up for sin once I have been forgiven. To allow satan to keep condemning me. Sometimes God lets me fall a little so He can demonstrate (Romans 8:1) That there is no condemnation because I belong to Jesus! This week, starting last Friday, I stumbled over a couple of very sharp rocks. I gave in to temptation. God did not condemn me although I kept trying to even after He warned me it was coming. Immediately, I cried out Him. Why can I not stop? Why do I insist on giving into my sinful nature? He told me to read Romans 7 especially verses 14-25. God was showing me: Look, if Paul, the man I choose to write a good part of the New Testament struggled with the very same question, what makes you any different? You are human, my little goose. You seek me through it all. As you drag through the briers of life keep your eyes on me. Don't look at the scratches, rips, and tears in your skin. Keep going forward. Just keep going forward. Keep seeking me. I will show you that you can't be perfect. Not until you are in heaven standing before my son, Jesus. He is right. I keep trying to be the perfect Christian. I just need to try to focus on Jesus and let Him use me. Strive to be the best I can be, perfection as a human is unattainable. Not here on earth. He knows everything I am going to do way before it comes to my mind and He forgives me. He does not condemn me. So, it is time I stop condemning myself!

Even as I sin I call out to Him. I feel chained down by my sin. God is cutting those briers even as they continue to scratch me until they cannot touch me anymore. Satan hates it. he knows the closer I get to God, the more dangerous I am to him and the more dangerous I become the stronger his attacks are. With Christ in me, I am powerful. We all are. But I have to truly believe. I have to eat and drink from the bread of life, Jesus. I have to allow God to do what He needs to do to heal me so that I may be used by Him. So that I may do the one work He has called me to do. John 6:26 Jesus told them, "This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent." Start from that one work and from that my love and faith grows. God will show and is showing me the other works He has planned for me to do. I do these works out of my pure love for Him not for the blessings He has promised me.

Yet, he blesses me anyway. I asked Him to give my daughter and me more time together. To give her a stable life and help her with her weight. Two days later, I run into one of my best friends. She's been out of work and has a son Rose's age. She is now keeping Rose for me while I work and we are paying her which helps her a little and helps me to have Rose more consistently. Rose is so active and and loving every moment she spends there. I am ever so grateful for this huge miracle God has shown me in our lives. My daughter is an amazing blessing. She believes with all her heart and sleeps in the lap of Jesus as a very dear friend puts it. By watching her relationship with Jesus grow I am learning to let go and let God heal me so my relationship with Him will grow. I believe in the living bread of life God sent here to feed my hunger and thirst. Jesus Christ!

Thank you Jesus for allowing me to drink your blood and eat from your flesh!

Amen!

The Ugly Duckling

2009-06-06T10:42:00.003-04:00

(written by Jennifir)

So, I'm a little angry. I can't help it. I'm angry at the devil for making feel like the ugly duckling. I played into his hands last night. Hurt from rejection began to turn into anger as I woke up this morning. Last night I was angry at men all around me. At the men who made a point to talk to my friend and overlook me as if I wasn't standing there as they poured their compliments all over her. These were Christian men. Ministers of God. There to work for Jesus. I think that is why I was angry. My brothers are not supposed to overlook me, to shun me, to ignore me, to treat me as invisible because I am not pretty. One of the men had told a story of how he was not like everyone else, how he never brushed his hair, how he was the chunky kid who was never invited to parties. A man who talked of not fitting in, being rejected and here he was rejecting me. It hurt me at first. Then made me angry. Not because I was interested, but because I had been touched by his words and his actual witness nullified all he had said. Praise God I am already saved. I was and am still angry. He overlooked me. He shunned me because he was so enamored with my friend. And rightly so, she is beautiful. She is talented. But it doesn't make it ok to shake her hand and ask her name and glance my way quickly and not ask my name or shake my hand, even out of common courtesy even if he didn't care a lick about me.

It was that action that hurt me. I think he had a glimmer of realization of what he was doing. Judging by the cover. I pray he reads this. Give him some clarity and make him aware. He has to be extra careful since he is in ministry. Is this what we want to teach the lost and new Christians. Our witness doesn't stop at the podium. It is continuous. I take his human mistake and pray it stays embedded deep in my heart as a warning. As a piece of clarity and awareness to not do the same thing. To be careful to not shun or ignore people I meet no matter what they look like or wear. Sometimes the glitz is all there is. It is the digging for the depth where the reward is, but if we judge the cover and move on because it is a little rough we have missed out. And what if I were unsaved? What kind of witness would that have been for me? Our primary job on this earth is to be used to draw the lost. If we are shunning the lost we are losing children for God's kingdom. All our works are for naught and mean nothing. I am imperfect in so many ways, but my heart is for the lost. It was just a little over a year ago, I was among the lost. As we wait for Jesus to return we should not be complacent. We should strive with all our heart and faith to be used as vessels to draw the lost with Christ in us. (Romans 8). 2 Peter 2:9 The Lord isn't really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent. That is why it is so important to be aware of those we shun or overlook. We are wasting time in an opportunity to be used to lead someone to Jesus. That man last night wasted time. He was so overcome by a talent and a beauty he missed the jewel standing right next to them. An opportunity to draw someone closer to the Lord. Instead, if I had not already been saved and so in love with Jesus I may have been pushed away from my father in heaven. It is crucial that we ask God for awareness and our armor to be strong. The enemy will use the good things in life to distract us from what God has called us to do. I don't want to be like this man. I am going to pray for strength with Christ in me. I don't want to miss that one person in the room who needed Jesus because I'm so busy trying to gleam what I can off the shiny jewel of the room. In doing so, the real treasure is missed. A lost child brought home to Jesus. What a tragedy.

I am angry. I am angry at the enemy for clouding the vision of a mature, Christian man. He was not the only one who lost some credibility in my eyes last night. One of the band members did the exact same thing. I left there feeling so ugly. So unimportant. Just because I had not stood on stage that night and shared my testimony. I know now why I went through this last night. God is opening my eyes, showing me, because the ministry He has placed on my heart is growing. He wants me to see this awful tactic of the enemy's. Last night, I was behind the scenes. Last. (Mark 9:35). I embrace this verse. I take comfort in it as I am last in most aspects of my life except in my growing relationship with Jesus. I was the ugly duckling. The ugly, yellow baby goose I saw at the lake a few weeks ago. The yellow, ugly teenage geese I again saw a couple of weeks ago. I am those geese. I am an outcast in the eyes of the world. I am one of God's hidden treasures right now. Only the really good discerning have seen it and encouraged and nourished my spiritual growth. I thank God for them constantly because I need their encouragement and God sends me encouragement through them. I have so much to offer in my testimony and my growth with God as a spiritual sister, but because I am not pretty, because I am not skinny, because I don't have a talent that shines, I am overlooked and I am missed out on. I am a jewel. God's jewel. I am a diamond in the rough. When I do become that beautiful swan or smooth diamond for Jesus these men are going to look back and realize that they let the surface glitter in their eyes. Blind them.

A couple of weeks ago as I sat in prayer, on a Wednesday night, I got a little fidgety. God knew I would soon hit a period of really low self esteem. Feeling ugly. Fat. Unwanted. I was gazing at my cheap, fake pink crocks. There are diamond shaped holes in them. As I studied them, I noticed most of them were not in a perfect diamond shape. God told me to study them. He asked me what I saw. I told him rough diamond shapes. Wrinkles from wear. He said yes, you have lived a life a long time in the world. You are a rough diamond. There are wrinkles and imperfections. I will use these. I will polish you. I will mold you. You are my clay. I will sift all the junk from your life, but it takes time. It will hurt at times. I was comforted by this small, yet profound revelation.

In the same sense as he has shown me the little ugly yellow geese, I could not help but compare myself to them. So young in my faith still yet clinging to Jesus for dear life as Ruth clung to Naomi. So, it hurts when I come across strong spiritual Christian men who cannot look past my ugly duckling exterior when there is so much depth within my heart and soul. It hurt to be overlooked so blatantly as if I were invisible. This is not how Christians in a ministry as they are representing their ministry especially should act. Christ is in me, but they didn't want to take the time to get to know me, even speak to me because I have no glitz on my exterior. All my glitz is in my heart. You have to take the time to see the jewel God has inside me. Has inside so many who are considered not so perfect by the world's standards. It is a very humbling experience for me. We are not witnessing just to the lost, we are discipling the saved so that they may witness to the lost. To testify. But if we show are brothers and sisters we aren't worth our time then how can we truly be used to help the lost. We are all guilty of it.

It was really rubbed in my face last night. I have felt so ugly. So unwanted. So unnecessary. So lost the past few weeks as I have been surrounded by nothing but wedded bliss, engagements, and planning of weddings. It has made me feel more alone. And yes, a little hopeless, God forgive me. He is working with me on it. I have felt last in all aspects of my life. From relationships, to financially, to work, to ministry. I am struggling to stay afloat. It is only because God has not let go of my hand that I have not drowned. (Psalm 37:23-24) Praise God for his unfailing unending love.

I am so angry that Christian men are so afraid to talk to a woman who is single and not so pretty. They are so afraid I will fall in love with them or something and that simply is not the case. Do they not realize that by helping me to grow they may be helping to draw more lost. By teaching me how to be used by God? But instead they are teaching me to be afraid. By teaching me that it is ok to pick and choose for ourselves who we are to minister to and disciple. It is a painful process for the one who is constantly overlooked and an uphill climb for the ugly duckling. But as I sit here in the library and type this I am grateful that I am the ugly duckling because God is teaching me. He is growing my heart to have a compassion. He is allowing me to feel what it is like to be shunned, overlooked, judged by my exterior so that I will be better able to recognize and minister to those who are and will go through the same thing. He is teaching me humbleness.

I may be the ugly duckling right now, but one day I will be a beautiful swan and not necessarily on the outside, but where it counts, in my heart. In my relationship with God.

I have been looking at myself. I admit I am also angry at myself. I have been seeking the approval of man for fear I may be rejected and I am rejected anyway. As I truly begin to shake the bad habit of seeking approval in all the wrong places, I begin to seek the approval of God more and more. And there will be a day that such obvious shunning will go right over my head and not phase me or the ministry God has placed on my heart. He has given me a specific vision.

That vision was reborn last night as the singer of the band sang a song he wrote called "When Angels Fly." I had given up on my dream. I'm dreaming again! And the vision is a little clearer. It is the ugly ducklings I want to reach out to because they are the diamonds in the rough. They are God's precious little jewels.

In the eyes of the world the ugly duckling finishes last, but in God's eyes, we will grow to be beautiful swans! How exciting!

Guard the Heart

2009-05-30T12:17:00.003-04:00

(written by Jennifir)

Proverbs 4:23

Guard your heart above all else,

for it determines the course of your life.

I sit on my couch. I walk the lake. I loiter at the laundry mat yawning. I drive to work. I sit at the coffee shop. I talk to people. I text. I go to church. All the while as I do all these things Proverbs 4:23 keeps coming to mind. As I interact with people. I realize there's a lot to this short, yet profound verse. God is teaching me through hard knocks what guarding my heart really means. First and foremost with men. I must guard my heart. I must be careful of the decisions I make where men are concerned. It could be the matter of one bad decision and I have messed up a part of God's plan for me. But God is not just telling me to guard my heart with men. He's telling me to guard my heart with all who I encounter throughout my life. I need to really look at the influence anyone has on me. Really look. Open my eyes. Ask God to remove the scales from my eyes. Look at the fine print. It may be a small word, a decision I see them make. Granted, there are bad decisions we all make, but it is when they are unrepentant decisions that I must watch. It is so important to walk circumspectly. (Ephesians 5:15). Sit back and observe. Be slow to anger, slow to speak. (James 1:19) I am trying to learn to sit back, be patient. Just observe. Watch for the fruit. Really know what it is to watch for the fruit. (Matthew 7:15-20).

With all this, God is showing me how to guard my heart. By not speaking more than necessary, by not exposing my heart more than necessary, I am guarding it. By going to Him with every decision before making it, I am guarding my heart. (Proverbs 3:5-6). By stepping back on the side bench I can see more than if I were in the middle. Watch and know what's going on before I am called in. Don't let bad decisions distract me as I sit on the sidelines. As I wait upon the Lord to reveal the next step to me. There is so much temptation. So many decisions to be faced. It can be so overwhelming. Sometimes the enemy keeps me so busy I have no time to really contemplate what I should be doing next. I recognize this tactic as I sit quietly in a coffee house. I ask God to help me have the discernment to see when the enemy is doing it during my busy moments. I continually ask God for discernment. I get confused and am learning to just still still with my Bible open. Go straight to God's word. He'll send me just where I need to be. He is so awesome. I do love how He works. I am also grateful for the godly Christians He has surrounded me with who have clarity and discernment. Hold me accountable.

I realized the past couple of weeks I have reach a new level in my growth. I have grown a little closer to God. To Jesus Christ, my most amazing precious savior. He showed me the other day as I walked the lake. God loves to speak to me there. Through the water, the trees, the geese. A few weeks ago, I had seen a family of geese, the babies were so little and trusting. I have been in Psalm 91 since. On Tuesday, I was walking again and I saw the same family. The geese were no longer little babies. They were still young, their feathers still the yellowish color they were a few weeks ago. They had grown some. I am like those geese. Growing up slowly but surely, under the watchful eyes of my Daddy! Thank you Jesus for loving me so much you hold me close to you during my growth. The growing pains can be excruciating at times!

So, as I write this, I think of Proverbs 4:23. And what it means for me. Guard my heart. Guard it with the right decisions as best I can. Be very careful of those decisions. If I am unclear even after prayer, do not move forward, it means I have not received my answer yet. God is amazing. And I need to learn to be patient. He is teaching me. He is guiding me. He is watching over me. I will continue to ask God to help guard my heart in all areas and relationships. And sometimes, the armor can be so tight it is uncomfortable, but it is better than the alternative. God has a plan for me and I so desire to do what it is He has asked me to do. I am His obedient daughter. I am forever grateful for His love. He amazes me constantly. Every moment of the day, every second. I choose to follow Jesus!!

Break the Noise

2009-05-29T00:32:00.002-04:00

(A Song by Tabitha Scott)

I've been too loud
For far too long
But while I'm weak
My Lord, You're strong
I've felt Your silence
Wear me thin
Reach to me, Lord
Bring me home again

(Chorus):
Lord, wipe me clean
Break through the noise
Dispel my wrath
Quiet my voice
Let me never speak again
Should it be sin
Hold me close now
Replace iniquity with peace

Repenitent heart
Brought to its knees
Faithfully confessed
And now I'm free
Once more I'm Yours
And Lord, You are mine
This battles over
And I'm alive

(Repeat Chorus)

I've been too loud
Now for far too long.

It's all about the Geese

2009-05-23T11:34:00.002-04:00

(written by Jennifir)

Psalm 91:4

He will cover you with his feathers.

He will shelter you with his wings.

His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

I can't get the image of the baby goose peaking from above his daddy's wing, watching cautiously all around him. His brother frolicked in a puddle nearby, the rain poured so hard it came down in pelts...the thunder roared and the lightening flashed. I couldn't help but think of Psalm 91:4 as I watched both of them. One was fearful of the rain and ran right to the refuge of his daddy as I should do when I become fearful. My Daddy in heaven will cover me with His wings. He will be my refuge. I want to obey and not be so fearful and know as the frolicking goose knew that he was being watched over as he frolicked. As I watched both of them, I realized I want to be less fearful and be more like the frolicking goose. I want to not be afraid to step out in faith and obey no matter the dangers because God is watching over me. Anytime I tried to get near to take pictures, the daddy did its bleating noise. I need to trust in God more. That no matter what He asks me to do I should not be afraid. He wants to use me and I want to be used, but I can't be afraid. He has my hand. He will not let go. I am underneath His wing whether I am so close I can hear His heart beat or I am working for Him and it feels I am not close although I am. And I can always run straight to Him. I was reading in 2 Peter 1:5-11 and the verse that spoke of supplementing my faith really hit me. In order to obey to have self-control, have patient endurance, share brotherly, sisterly love, I must have action in my faith. And trust that Daddy has my back when I am working for him.

God really is so amazing. He sent Jesus here to die for me. There is nothing He won't forgive me for. He wants to use me and I want to be used. I choose to follow Him and I choose to strive to be more like the frolicking baby. I am just a baby in Christ myself and as I grow the stronger my faith becomes. I stand firm in my faith more and more each day as He guides me, teaches me, disciplines me, loves me, shelters me. He is always there. I recommend reading the whole Psalm. This is a scary world we live in but there is no need for fear when Jesus is in our heart. When we realize that Jesus has already won. He has overcome the world. All the trials and sorrows we go through will only grow us closer to Him! I rejoice in them. I again can't help but think of John 16:33. I cling to Jesus' words and His promise. I want to frolic under the watchful protection of my Daddy!!!

I love Jesus so much..I am freaky for Jesus. He saved me. He underwent torture, ridicule and he was sinless. He was punished for my sins! I am washed white as snow with his blood. My heart pounds with love and appreciation for what He did for me only because He loves me! That is all. There is nothing I can do to get to heaven except believing and loving him. And I do!!! 2 Peter 1:2 May God give you more and more grace and peace as you grow in your knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord. Amen to that!!!!

I praise God with all my heart and soul...I seek him diligently! Matthew 6:33 and Psalm 37:4! I am forever and eternally the daughter of Jesus Christ my Lord! So, even during the torrential downpours in my life, I will remember that Daddy is watching over me. Even when He's asking me to do things that make no sense and seem impossible and I can barely see through the large droplets, I will be comforted in knowing that He is always there! Always!

God bless my Daddy up in heaven!

times

2009-05-20T22:57:00.003-04:00

I can't believe how fast time seems to go. It's as if minutes can drag on so slowly, yet months seem to pass by faster than I can keep track of. What a blessing a single day is. Can you imagine being like an insect that only has a week's life span? Or an even crazier thought, what if we only lasted 24 hours?? I'm so grateful that that is not the case lol. There are so many things that I overlook each day...life being one of them. I really think that each day should be lived out to its' fullest potential for the Lord. But I also really think that's impossible...atleast without the Holy Spirit. But even with Him being alive in me I struggle every day just to spend time with Him. Sometimes I wish I could just be perfect and at peace all the time. I know that won't happen until I'm in Heaven though. But then I realize what a great adventure God is taking me on. And who ever heard of an adventure without pain, heartache, romance, danger, and trials? Life really is such a beautiful mess.

And along with this adventure comes all types of characters. And every one of them so beautiful and unique in their own way. Right now I'm so happy to be in Jupiter seeing all of the friends I made in high school. I really feel like God is just pouring out blessings on me. I'm really going to miss all of them when the time comes to leave. I long for some sort of virtual reality where the people I love are always next door and no one ever leaves. It's a silly wish. Though I look forward to many other people that God will put in my life and heart, I don't look so eagerly forward to the many other goodbyes I'll have to endure. I just hope that everyone I love will end up in Heaven. How much more heartbreaking would it be to say goodbye for eternity...I'm pretty sure I just rhymed haha. But I seriously can't get this subject off of my heart tonight.

"True instruction was in his mouth and nothing false was found on his lips. He walked with me in peace and uprightness, and turned many from sin."--Malachi 2:6

I really hope that one day God will be able to say something like this about me. I know I can't be perfect, or actually turn people from their sins, but I hope that I can atleast plant a seed for Jesus in anyone I meet. I know that that's only possible by allowing the Holy Spirit to work in my life. I just second guess myself so much that every now and then I wonder whether or not I've pushed Him away too far. I don't believe I have though, because I'm reminded that Christ is always with me.

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."--Matthew 28:20

"His love endures forever."--Psalm 118:1/29

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens."--Psalm 68:19

"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'"--Hebrews 13:5

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."--Psalm 27:14

I think I want to make a new vow to myself and to God to treat each day as a new opportunity to grow, learn, witness, and take new chances in faith. There's so much left to do and learn and I want to get as much of it crammed into my tiny life as possible before I reach the finish line.

you just never know

2009-05-13T17:25:00.003-04:00

(written by Jennifir)

I got up this morning...tired, not wanting to get up really. I woke up thirty minutes later than I planned, but I still found I had an extra fifteen minutes. Funny how God works those things out. I decided I would sit with my coffee and bible and read some. John has been coming to mind a lot lately to read. This morning God told me to read John 16. I did, I love that chapter, but it was the last verse in the chapter that struck me.
John 16:33 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

I even put it as my status on facebook and twitter and I hardly ever post a status at before six in the morning. I felt compelled. I know that God was telling me read that chapter and post that verse. Someone, including myself, needed that verse. As I read it I got chills. Truly realizing the truth of those words, which came straight from Jesus' lips just fill me with a comfort I cannot describe. As I go through trials in life, as I have been striving to overcome trials and realizing I can only do that with Jesus by my side, I truly begin to grasp that this life is just a vapor. So short and the war has been won. Jesus overcame the world!!! Wow...I need to post this verse all over the place, tattoo it to my hand. A reminder that through all the trials, the battle is won! Yes, the trials draw me closer to Him! I rejoice in my trials as Peter endears us to....we become closer to Christ as we suffer with Christ. 1 Peter 4:12-19. God is always with us during our trials. He may not take them away from me, but He will hold my hand, guide me, love on me. He knows, and I am grateful for this, that without actually walking through those times on my own I would never appreciate my Father up in heaven. He will give me the desires of my heart.

As I read in a book a few months ago, don't settle for that rickety old bike that needs work from a garage sale. Wait for the shiny bran new bicycle. I trust God to deliver on that promise. He will give me my hearts desires as I seek to grow ever and ever closer to Him. I find that my desires change as I grow closer to Him. That my mind is transforming, day by day, as I dig in His word. As I take the time to get to know Him and to just love on Him. And I do! I love my God so much!!!!

So, my whole point is, sometimes I ignore those little nudgings and allow satan to distract me, but this morning, with Christ in me, strong as ever, I pushed Satan's whisperings away and read John 16. God wanted me to share it because there was someone He needed to send a message too. I was given a chance to be touched and used by God at the same time. He is soooo very amazing!!!

Poem

2009-05-07T01:25:00.001-04:00

(A Poem by Tabitha Scott)

Sudden Release

I never knew anger had a taste.
Vile and passionate
Dripping down your tongue
And ravaging and laying waste
Within your soul.

Fear has a flavor even stronger.
Fierce and colorful
Nauseatingly cold and savage
Bringing out your fight or flight
Until you fold.

Sorrow tastes like salty water
Riptide crashing
All around and waves rising
Falling and threatening to drag you
Down under tow.

Self hatred becomes a good
And welcome respite
From all the irritating failures
And disgusting flaws highlighted
From the crowd.

Disgust furrows out to feast
Upon sanity
Or the pieces you have left
Until it slowly begins to lighten
Up your load.

Then peace and joy come in
You are rescued
And given milk and honey off
The fork of He who came to save
On earth below.

Going from strongholds to the one and only cornerstone!

2009-05-04T11:44:00.002-04:00

I stand on the bank of a murky lake. The air is crisp. There is a slight mist and light clouds blanket a lake that is full of the unknown. Almost foreboding, scary. A lake that is waiting to swallow me up forever. It is so beautiful and alluring at the same time. I stand there, gazing at the mountains on the other side. A cross. The promise of one who loves me so much He came here to be tortured, die and rise again for my sins. I can go across the lake to Jesus but there is no straight shot. It is a journey. It is not easy. But He can remain my focus. There is a way. A path. It winds around the lake. There are rocks in some places, hills, smooth walking. Even places to sit and rest and enjoy the beauty around me. Places to simply worship and praise! I became discouraged as I stared longingly across the lake. It will take too long, to much work to get there, or at least that's what my human wordily, sinful nature argues. And as I glance at my feet I see a rope tied around both ankles which are attached to big bricks. Enter in my first stronghold. The ties that bind me to the world, to sin, to negative thinking that hold me down and threaten to drown me if I were to allow my sinful nature to win and jump into that lake where I will only sink to the bottom.

I have been struggling. The battle has been raging ever so much more the past few weeks. I know in my heart this means God is working on something. Sometimes it is so hard to remember this. A liberating fact! God is opening my eyes, making me aware of some of my strongholds. As I have finally obeyed and looked down at my feet and see that I am tied to my strongholds, I realize I must cut those ties. If I do, my Christian walk will not necessarily get easier, I will just suffer more joyously, if that makes any sense. I had to admit that these strongholds were real and the knots so tight there was no way I could cut the ties on my own. I have to see that pride is holding me down. My bricks. I cannot be so prideful that I am not willing to ask God for help and to go to those in our family of Christ for help. God uses them to clarify things at times. He uses their experiences to relate to me. At first, as I glance at my feet, I can't help feel the urge to jump into the lake. I was so tired. Another battle. Oh gosh. It would be easier to stop fighting. I felt so helpless and hopeless. God said no...you are not jumping in that lake. I have too many plans for you. Look at yourself. Then I will help you. It a painful process, just looking at myself. I didn't like a lot of what I saw. It is a process that has me clinging to my Redeemer all that much more. He probably has finger marks where I have clung to him so desperately.

I realized that I need His help. I went to Him humbly, I asked him to show me my strongholds. To cut the ties. To guide me. All the while the enemy gets angrier and angrier and begins throwing arrows at me from all directions. I cried out in desperation, as some arrows make huge dents and shake me to the very core even as I wear my armor. As I lost my footing some of the time. Each time my Father held my hand...He never let go. He tucked me under His protective wings and took some of the blows for me. He lifted me up each time I was knocked over. He also let me see the arrow so that I may recognize it next time. Let me tell you, some of those arrows are painful to look at because they drip with sugar. They appear harmless, yet they are the most deadly. They are aimed for the jugular.

God starts whispering His promises in my ear. He tells me, go to my Word! This is your sword. My Word will cut the ties. My Word will shred the rope so that it is no longer usable. My Word will sour the sugar. I prayed. I sat quietly in my living room with two of my bibles, a notebook, a pen, and a cup of coffee. And the verses kept coming. Verses that pointed to not a stronghold, but a cornerstone. A rock. A savior. JESUS CHRIST! Verses that told me what to do in battle, prepare for battle, a reminder of who IS victorious. As I begin to look at these verses and read them aloud, I realize that strongholds are a weapon of the enemy. He uses them to hit the jugular, to take us out of the game. To leave us lame in our witness for Jesus. He uses strongholds to steal, kill, and destroy. If we are not prepared and are afraid to face the truth he may get in a hit or two. Until God comes and holds tight to us and gives us His sword. But we must get into His Word. We must read it.

I turn to Isaiah 61:1 and realize that "The Lord is upon me...". He whispers His word in my ear. He promises me that He is not only going to heal my wounds but He is going to set me free! This alone makes me stand up a little straighter. God loves me so much no matter what I have done, He still wants to set me free!

2 Chronicles 20:15-19: I get chills as I read these verses. How liberating it is to realize that this battle is not mine! It is God's! All I need to do is stand firm and praise Him as I watch Him fight on my behalf! He loves me that much!

Jeremiah 46:3-4, 10 and Ephesians 6:10-18: He tells me that although I need not to fight, I must still prepare as if I were going to fight. Be prepared and stand firm. And remember that this is a spiritual battle. I do not fight flesh and blood, but the powers of the darkness. If I remind myself of this each time someone hurts me, it makes it so much easier to forgive and cut the tie of bitterness and anger. All God wants is for us to turn to Him, be prepared with His full armor and stand firm in our faith in Him. He has already won! Amen to that!!!

Ephesians 5:15: I also must keep my eyes open and be aware of my surroundings so that I may see those arrows way before they get near me. So I may hold up the shield of faith and ward them off.

Then God whispers in my ear again with promises that this battle is not in vain. That He does have a plan for me. Jeremiah 29:11-13, but I must seek Him. Matthew 6:33. He promises me that He will cause all things to work together for good for those who love God. Romans 8:28. I can take the huge battle of strongholds and God can use me to help someone with some of the same strongholds. It makes rejoice in my trials. It makes them worth all the pain. I realize that they are not in vain because they can be used to relate to the lost, or used as a balm to heal someone who is broken.

God reminds me who the victor is with a loud shout so the enemy hears as well! He sends me to Revelation 20:7-10. I read aloud these verses. I remind satan he is thrown into the lake of fire forever and ever. Amen to that! Jesus is the victor! He is a mighty warrior fighting for the love of His life. His bride. His people.

Jesus replaces my stronghold. He is my rock, my cornerstone, my foundation. God reinforces this amazing promise throughout His Word. Here are a few He sent me to this morning.

Zechariah 10:4
Isaiah 28:16
Ephesians 2:19-21
1 Peter 2:4-6
Psalm 118:14
Psalm 118:22 and this one is repeated in the New testament as well: Matthew 21:42, Mark 12:10-11, Luke 20:17, and Acts 4:11

All I can say is wow! Jesus is the cornerstone of my faith. It is on Him I build my life. It breaks my heart to know He was once rejected. He above all people knows what rejection feels like. He can relate to me. I ask God to cut my ties to worldly strongholds so that I may truly focus on Him. So that there is nothing shadowing my walk with Him. It is a painful process, a purification process really. It is no easy task to stand firm and stare at oneself in the mirror. To see the blemishes that need to be removed. It is an inner battle. A battle that will grow me closer to the Lord.

I realize that as the strongholds are removed, a new, clean, pure brick of strength will replace it with Jesus as the foundation. The very cornerstone of my life here on earth and eternally. I ask Him to hold me while I cry, to never let go of my hand as He at times needs to surgically remove rotten branches from this tree. It is a lifelong process of revelation, seeing, removing, healing, rebuilding with the proper tools. I praise God for his unconditional love! That He is willing to take the time to meticulously set this captive free!!!

Praise God!!!

Prayer

2009-04-24T14:23:00.004-04:00

Essentially, prayer is just talking to God right? And He knows your heart, so there is nothing we shouldn't talk to Him about, no matter how big, small, or embarrassing. Prayer is a necessity in this life, something we should never stop doing. That way we'll always have our eyes on God (Eph. 6:18). It is the will of God that we pray continually (1 Thess. 5:16-18). So when Jesus tells us how to pray, (with the well-known 'Our Father' prayer), He isn't simply telling us our prayers should be short and always sound exactly like that. I think we overlook this prayer so often. There are so many things you can get from these few verses.

Matthew 6:9-"Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be thy name." God is our Father. We're given permission to have more than just a servant/master relationship with Him. Is that not awesome that we can call Him daddy! And we should always have this kind of relationship with Him, and always praise Him with each prayer.

10-"Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven." Though it's a struggle sometimes, we should always be seeking out His will. And it's beyond important to have the state of mind each day that reminds us that this life/world isn't it. That one day we'll all be in Heaven and absolutely everything we see now will no longer exist. Whenever I remind myself of these things it definitely helps encourage me to continue being persistent in my walk and not give up, even when I really just want to.

11-"Give us today our daily bread." We need to have faith that God can really provide all we need even when times get rough. Another verse that's been really on my heart lately is Proverbs 30:8+9-"Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the Lord?' Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God." I know from experience that when things in my life start going really well, I tend to forget the Lord more, and when things don't go so well, I tend to get tempted more.

12-"And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us."
13-"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one." I know there are probably tons of sins I commit each day that I don't even realize. I think this last part is really important cause we need to pray to actually grow in our walk. To realize what we're doing right and wrong, so that we can allow God to work on it with and through us.

Maybe I Am

2009-04-22T13:54:00.002-04:00

(Written by Tabitha Scott---Again, Facebookers, You're getting this one twice)

I'm free-falling down again
Faster than I can bear
While the ground beneath me
Feels so heavy handed
I don't feel things
The way you think I should
And so you smirk at me
And figure that I'm crazy

(Chorus):
Well, maybe I am
Maybe I've fallen off the brink
But maybe I'll stand
You know, I'm stronger than you think
I may hit the ground
And lay there stunned or silently
But after a while
I'll shine so much the brighter
But maybe I'm crazy

Once I had a vision
Of a love so fully lightened
But I think it's fallen
Into a brand new form of darkness
Who are you to judge me
For the flaws within my heart
When all you really see of me
Is an actress playing a part?

(Chorus)

(Bridge):
I watch it fall across your face
Oh yeah, I know that shadow
All you know is less of me
You're standing in the shallows
If you want to truly know
You've got to face the raging tide
Pass through the fiery tempest
And come out on the other side

(Chorus)

Clarity

2009-04-22T13:48:00.002-04:00

(written by Tabitha Scott)

Lord, I've known darkness
I've held it in my hands
I've felt it garner strength while I
Floundered around to stand
I don't know why You lifted me
Out of the darkness before
All I know is that today
Its crawling back under my door

(Chorus):
I'm not asking You to set me free
Just give me strength to stand
I only need gift of Your clarity
So that I can understand
The reason for this burden, Lord
And just to let me fathom
Why I, of all Your children, Lord
Was chosen for this battle.

Jesus, I've known Your light
You've filled me over full
I've felt You lift me off my knees
Plant my feet firmly on the floor
This is a daily struggle
To cling to naught but You
When my menial search for answers
Pulls my eyes away from You

(Chorus)

(Bridge):
I lie here naked
Transparent to Your eyes
Pick out the flaws
Lord, dismantle all the lies
I've felt the sting
Of weapons of the enemy
But then I've know
Touch of Your hands of healing

(Chorus)

Glory for the Most High

2009-04-22T13:43:00.002-04:00

(written by Tabitha Scott)

For countless nights
I've lain awake
Searching my heart
For one mistake
That erected this wall between us
For the life of me
I can't decide
What could possibly
Make me run and hide
And keep everything in me from You.

(Chorus):
All I know is we're better than this
All I need is One bigger than this
And He brought us together
He could split us apart
But every tear I cry
And the pain that we've caused
Breeds strength within us
And glory for the Most High

While lightening rains
And thunder crashes
The Lord hands me glimpses
Of our future in flashes
I'd be a liar if I said I'm not afraid
This beginning is hard
Not sure where we stand
When all that surrounds us
Is sinking sands
But to walk out we must be united

(Chorus)

(Bridge):
We'll make it through
Just believe in love
We'll stand tall enough
For God up above
It's never about us
It's all about Him
Let Him guard us
Cuz the victory is His

Lay Me Down

2009-04-22T13:40:00.002-04:00

(written by Tabitha Scott)

(Chorus):
Lord, let me hide
Underneath Your Mercy Seat
From all the chaos and confusion
That the world has thrown at me
Let me rest
And know that who I seek
Will always answer
And never abandon me

Lord, lay me down
Sacrifice me on Your alter of Grace
I can think of no other
Method of highest praise
I want to die
So that I can live
Honor the gift
Of life that You have given

Questions

2009-04-22T13:36:00.002-04:00

(written by Tabitha Scott)

There isn't enough breath in
My body to Praise You, My King
There is not enough darkness
To push out the light You bring
I come here to confess
I can't understand this love
Or how when You were dying
I was what You were dreaming of

(Chorus):
How do I praise You
For what I don't understand?
How to I thank You
For what I can't comprehend?
How do I wake up
From this kind of dream?
And how do I accept
The knowledge that You'll bring?

My life is but a vapor
Ever flying by
If I spent every minute
There still would be no time
To fully wrap my mind
Around the depth of offering
All so I could stand here
And in this moment be free

(Chorus)

Strength of Nails

2009-04-22T13:29:00.002-04:00

(written by Tabitha Scott)

I'm walking into danger
Enemies on every turn
My heart is heavy
My sight is kinda blurred
I need You now, Lord
I can't fight this on my own
Come stand beside me
Shelter me into Your fold

(Chorus):
The battlefield is lonely, Lord
I can't see Your way out
I have to walk on through this
Though I'm pressed upon by doubts
I know You'll see me through
Lord, You didn't call me here to fail
But to perservere on
Held up by Your strength of Nails

The burden I've been given
Is a heavy one endured
Oh, she is a beauty but
Some days she's not so sure
And my Lord, he's growing
Everyday by leaps and bounds
God, they seem so fragile
Help me keep them safe and sound

(Chorus)

(Bridge):
We are one
Bound together by Your blood
It can't be severed
Until Your work is done
What You've ordained
Lord, there is no room to fail
We are strengthed
By the love found in three nails

(Chorus)

Just Pray

2009-04-22T13:23:00.002-04:00

(written by: Tabitha Scott) [-Sorry Facebookers...You're getting this one twice!]

I hate this moment
Standing back to watch you fall
My heart is broken
But this time its not my call
I don't savor
All the damage that's to come
Do me a favor
The pieces--let me pick them up

(Chorus):
I don't know what to say
Don't know what to think
I can't gauge this situation
I don't think I can sleep
Don't think I can breathe
Alone I can't banish this division
All that I can figure
All I can decide
Is just to let you go today
And just pray

I don't like watching
But you have to live and learn
Time is bypassing
Your stripes you have to earn
The fight ain't easy
But its one you've gotta win
I know it sounds crazy
But you can do this without sin

(Chorus)

(Bridge):
I'll stand by your side
And fight in your battles
But something about this
Just leaves me rattled
I can't nail it down
Don't know what just yet
But something's wrong
Something's not right in this

(Chorus)

Love and Praise

2009-04-22T13:19:00.002-04:00

(Written by Tabitha Scott)

Lord, Your beauty is refining
Stretched from sea to shining sea
Bigger than the universe
And yet You reached right down to me
I felt smaller than a grain of sand
And just as out of place
But You picked me and redeemed me
With Your blood, sweet saving Grace

(Chorus):
I can't help but praise You
For all that You've done
Washed clean a sinner
Crucified Your Spotless One
My heart was once empty
But now I can see
through my trials and fails
Lord, You've loved and chosen me

Nothing could compare to
This joy planted in me
And nothing could outdo
The freedom through Your peace
I could sing a trillion love songs
But none would ever be enough
To praise You, Lord, for all the times
I've fallen down, You picked me up

(chorus)

Millions

2009-04-22T13:13:00.002-04:00

(written by Tabitha Scott)

I could live a thousand years
And never understand Your worth
I could walk a thousand footsteps
And never be outside Your heart
I could dream a million dreams
And breathe a million breaths
Live a thousand lives and then
Die a thousand deaths
Walk or stumble into crawl
Or marathon a race
But, Lord, I'll never be complete
Until I see Your face

(Chorus):
A million years, a million stars
A million faces, a trillion cars
Time flashes past, gone without a trace
Nothing I could ever see will compare to Grace (rpt. x1)

I have wasted untold years
Chasing my wayward dreams
My life has only dwindled down
To chaos, vanity and schemes
My Lord, I know You're teaching me
That nothing less than praise
Will ever satisfy my soul
I'll follow all Your ways
Though wind and sky may shatter
Free and fall to earth below
I am Yours and You are mine
And within my heart I know...

(chorus)

(Bridge):
No more
Waging war
Against the things of God
No more
Now I'm sure
I'll follow where You trod
(repeat once then chorus)

The Ostrich

2009-04-18T15:02:00.002-04:00

Psalm 37:23-24

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.

He delights in every detail of their lives.

Though they stumble,

they will never fall,

for the Lord holds them by the hand.

It has been a while since I have posted. A lot has been going on in my meager little life. Contemplation. Eye openings. Clarity and not necessarily pleasant clarity. Growth. Realizations and revelations. A true knowing that God has never and will never let go of my hand. I am like a child so in awe of my Father whose hand holds mine, that I don't watch the rocks on the pathway beneath my feet. And I stumble on those pebbles, those rocks, but my Father has my hand firm in his so I never fall. I may stub a toe. Or trip a little but i never hit the ground and all the while even with tears in my eyes I gaze in awe at the unfailing most amazing father anyone could ever ask for. And so I share one or more of my stumblings as God has revealed them to me.

I am very much like an ostrich. I would say lately, but I think it has been for a very long time. Trouble comes and I half cry out to the Lord as I immediately bury my head in the sand. Lately I have felt as if I have been swimming through the thick, lonely financial muck that I call my life. I have ignored some truths about myself. Truths I have not wanted to face. I have felt out of touch. Tired. Worn out. Stretched so thin that I drag through each day and only look forward to the moment I can lay my head on my pillow. Depression has tried to creep in. The enemy has been hard at work. He is angry and it is my confirmation that I am in fact on the right path. I am, even in my clouded visions at times, obeying, or else the enemy would not bother with me. I rejoice in this! I have lost all interest in the things I love as I sink deeper and deeper into the the pit of hopelessness. Even as I read my Bible, I think. I don't deserve his grace. His mercy. But I know in my heart this is not true. As a sinner, I don't, but as God's child, I do and only because He truly loves me.

Doubt begins to seep in as I still don't see improvements in my life or what I think should be improvements. My stagnant lonely life. I am on fire for Jesus. No matter what. He is my first love. I cling to Him in my despair, my doubt, my unbelief as Ruth clung to Naomi as she followed her to an unknown land with unknown people. The one belief that always stays deep in my heart is Jesus loves me. I don't blame God for my situations here on earth. I know I am where I am because of the decisions i have made and continue to make.

I struggle with clarity. With the belief that I am truly forgiven. I guess deep down this small bit of doubt, which I know is from the enemy, keeps nagging at me. If I am forgiven why won't my life improve? Why can I never be quite good enough? I want to come in first sometime. I admit it now! It's a selfish desire. Even as I write this I know that as a servant of Christ, I will and should come last. I should be willing, joyous. It's not about me. It's about Jesus.

I seek the desires of my heart. I desire a closeness with my Daddy, my Father, in heaven. I also desire to be loved here on earth. Even now I feel so alone as I sit outside on a sunny Saturday afternoon. As I contemplate. As I look into that virtual mirror of who I am. As I realize God IS answering my prayers, but not how I want Him to but how He feels is best for me. I know I will look back and see this. I will thank Him then. I thank Him now. He will not take this cup of loneliness, this cup of stagnation from me, but He will hold my hand and stay by my side as I drink it. Eventually, the cup will be empty. There is hope, expectancy in that.

My father in heaven has asked me to do some things I have fought. Things until I came to a breaking point in my bosses office I could no longer ignore. It was time to stop playing ostrich and pull my head from the sand. How can I be proactive in the improvement of my life if I cannot see what is going on? I didn't like what I saw. There was misbalance. The scales were so out of whack, I was barely hanging on by a pinky. My whole body flailing. As my pinky begins to slip from the oily feel of the over weighted scale, a firm strong hand grabs a hold of me. Catches me. He will not let me fall. I am His child and He has plans for me. I look around, tucked in the the safety of God's loving arms and finally allow myself to see. I have bad budget skills. And the hard one to face: my addiction to facebook. I would stay up late chatting then wake up tired and unenthusiastic for work the next morning. I truly love my job and it is through the disappointment of my co-workers, women who truly love me, that the Lord opened my eyes to see that facebook was becoming my God. The enemy was doing his best to use it to overtake my life and tear it apart so I would be no good to the Lord. One thing I know for sure, God's plan can not be thwarted and the enemy has already lost. I have to remind him on a constant basis.

Through those around me the Lord has shown me the way out. He has told me steps to take. I have canceled cable and the Internet so it is not ready at my hand. I can no longer sit for hours in front of the c0mputer. I have to go to the library to write this blog. I admit it has been hard, but necessary. I am still able to stay in touch with my phone but not at the level I had gotten to. I'm getting to bed at a decent hour and I'm already seeing the creative juices and my enthusiasm return. There are so many addictions and people tend to overlook things like facebook and myspace as addictions, but they are just as life damaging as alcohol or drugs or food if not kept in check. This has been a hard, painful lesson for me. I admit now that facebook had in many ways become my God and through God's mercy, grace, and love He made this clear to me and showed me the way out. And as hard as it was, as it is, I obey. My Father delights in me. He knows my heart. He knows my weaknesses just as the enemy does. I forget this sometimes and have to remind myself the war has already been won. I must close my ears to the lies of the enemy. Put on all of God's armor.

Even as I feel my life is so horrible, I know this is but a season, one of many in my life I will live through. A growing season. It is the hot summer months, the growing season. The time of the flower becoming the fruit. Soon there will be much harvest. Many tears have been shed, much food fed to me. I take it all up and realize now I am in the midst of the flowering stage of my growth. Much birth has taken place during this time.

It is exciting and this revelation has been revealed to me as I lay on my belly in the sun in my front yard. God is so amazing! I delight in Him. I trust Him with all that I have and am. My life had to ripped to pieces, deconstructed, as we sometimes have to do with a flower arrangement that has gone awry. Pull all the flowers out, even redo the floral foam and start all over so it will come out as God intended!

I praise God and rejoice for ALL that is in my life. Trials and non trials. I have so much to learn!

Warrior Princess

2009-04-06T09:42:00.002-04:00

I am a warrior princess. It's all I know how to be. I have always been one, even before I knew what to call it. Finally, in the midst of trying to find out where I fit into the Kingdom of God, I just asked Him. I asked Jesus, "Who am I to You, Lord?" It is a strange question, but one that we are all dying to know deep down, and I'd advise everyone to ask it; He will answer, and it will rock your world. When I asked Him, Jesus' immediate response was "My warrior princess." And I've been different ever since.

I'm not going to lie and say that this job is an easy one. In the past year alone, I have seen things and felt things that would make some Christians cower in the corner and suck their thumbs. I have had more clarity then I've ever had in my life. In the past year, I have been shot through the back with Satan's crossbow. It was a strange sensation. I walked around for two whole days with a barbed crossbow bolt that no one could see sticking out of my back. But Lord knows I could feel it. It made it hard to move. I got one day of peace before being attacked again. Sitting in a study on the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge, deep in prayer, and when I looked up, I felt like someone shoved a sword through my left eye socket. I could tell you the exact way that it was positioned, the way the entity had to have been standing, and where the sword went in my head and where it went out. And then last night. Friday night, the Lord called me to bind two other people to me in the name of Jesus. They are my ministry partners, and they need a warrior princess to step in sometimes; we are one in Christ, and we have to be united. So I prayed with them individually, and bound us all together. The battle began at 1 am Saturday morning as one of the individuals had a very shaking situation. As Sunday came on, we had great planning meetings for FFJ (the worship part of the ministry) and a wonderful home group. When I got home, I was sitting on my bed, minding my own beeswax, praying about some stuff and rejoicing at having avoided what could be an ugly situation; that's when I felt it. I felt the enemy only just before I felt it shove a spear into my right shoulder; the spearhead was resting in my collarbone. It hurt, but I didn't panic. This time, I knew what to do, and set people to praying right away, and after thirty minutes, Jesus pulled it out. He healed me. I felt His hand hot on my shoulder healing the wound. Satan is angry. We are at war, my friends. "Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Ephesians 6:11-12)

We must stand strong in God. We are all made in the image of God. "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." (Genesis 1:27) This is something that is clearly stated, but something that is completely overlooked sometimes. We are made in the image of God!!! I fully believe that each person on this planet was created in the image of God; we all are just different images of different facets of His great and awesome personality. I happen to be made after His heart that is like a mama with her babies and a fighter. "The Lord is a warrior; the Lord is His name." (Exodus 15:3) It's a beautiful and most incredible thing to think about...

Too much Blabbing

2009-03-24T23:19:00.003-04:00

This has quite possibly been one of the worst months of my life. I don't know how I got myself in this deep, but I managed to...I shouldn't be surprised. I feel so much anxiety, pressure, stress, chaos...and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to find peace in the Lord, but I can't when I feel like such a hypocrite. I know we all make mistakes and everything, but I don't know how to fix anything that's going on around me anymore. I know I just need to give it to God...I just wish I could see the whole picture..you know? Right when I think things are calming down I let my guards down, and then I feel like some one is right there to throw another thing at me. All I've gotta say is, I cannot wait for this trip to pigeon forge this weekend. I can't wait just to clear my mind of everything. I can't wait to spend a weekend with people who I know will encourage me in my walk just by simply being there and not saying anything important.
It seems like I'm being pulled and tugged at on so many different sides. I feel like in this spiritual battle I'm just holding my knees, rocking back and forth, hoping everything will just go away somehow. The crazy thing is, I don't know at what point exactly I ended up in this position. It all happens so fast I guess. Well, I know one thing for sure, God has me in His hand. Why am I so stupid? I shouldn't be this stressed. I know in 10 years this will hardly matter to me. "Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow."(Psalm 144:4)
Well, it was nice to vent a little...sorry it had to be on here. I know everything will be alright. "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."(Romans 8:28)

2009-03-22T02:50:00.003-04:00

(written by Jennifir)

I have a fragile heart. It is so vulnerable. It craves only to be truly loved and I know deep inside my heart I am loved. By Jesus. I want more though. I want to be loved here on earth. I admit I am so afraid to open my heart. I take Proverbs 4:23 a little to literally sometimes and guard it so much I tend to mess things up. I think I have. I opened my heart and it becomes so vulnerable. So exposed. I get so scared I find myself sitting back with claws at ready expecting the worst. Not trusting enough. I have been hurt so badly, my heart so scarred that stepping out in faith where it is concerned is so very hard for me. And then it gets scratched a little and I guard it that much harder. I don't know what to do. How to be OK with the fact it may get scratched, bumped, or bruised. I have had such a difficult week. As I worked Friday I realized I had been trying so hard to please the wrong person. I should only want to be pleasing one person and that is Jesus. When I work hard to please anyone else, I mess things up. Seems like I am good at messing things up.

I feel as if I am such a mess. In all aspects of my life. I feel as if it is out of control. I am tired. Doing too much. Trying to keep up. I need a rest. In Hebrews 4:9-11 God tells us to rest. It is time for me to rest. Time for me to recoup. Time for me to get my heart back and cherish it the way God wants me to. I only want to be loved. To be happy. I admit now that I am lonely. I allowed my heart to open some, but it has been hurt and scarred so much that I have my hand on the door ready to slam it shut. I pray that there is a man here on earth who will truly love me enough to understand that and be patient with me. Not ignore me which seems to happen. I know that I have been wrong. I know it is hurtful the way I react. I am not making excuses. I am only asking for understanding. I am asking for forgiveness.

I am reaching out to Jesus asking Him please to forgive me because I know I do the same to Him. I am asking all those I do this to to forgive me. It is a stronghold I have. I see that now. I understand that now. I have asked God for clarity. This is what He has shown me. Now I ask Him for further healing and as I do I also ask him to help me overcome my unbelief. My unbelief that I am worthy to be healed. I am worthy because of His unfailing love to take the time on. He loves His little girl and always will. I know my Father doesn't want to see me hurting or my heart aching. I know He wants to use me and I ask Him to. I have so much love in this heart. He gave me a huge heart. A heart that desires to love. And to shout my love for Jesus out loud! Across the world. Oh, Father. I am sorry if I have turned my back on you in my quest for love. Help me to learn how to be happy and still stay focused on you. Oh Father. Why is it so hard? How do I love a man and still love you more? I know it can be done. But it seems I have been unable to do it so far. I don't want to be rigid. I want to be loved. I so desire to hear words of truth. After a year of heartache, serious brokenness, struggles in so many ways, and so much more, isn't it time for me to experience some real happiness. Truthful happiness?

I guess maybe it is not. You never did promise in your Word that life would be fair. In fact, you told us to share in Christs suffering. 1 Peter 4:12-19. I share in it. I rejoice in it. I realize that if this is how it is to be I continue to rejoice and cry out my love and gratitude to you, Father. If it is meant for me to spend my days here on earth struggling financially and never being a helper to a man than that is my destiny. I am trying very hard to accept that living sacrifice joyously. I admit it is hard though since I am a companion person. Since as a human, I need that. But if it is not meant for me I ask for peace with it and I love you all the more. The trial of loneliness is the thorn in my side and maybe it is a thorn you have decided to not remove.

I can't sleep because my mind is reeling with rejection once again. I am so exhausted. So ready to craw into a hole. The enemy has tried to prowl around me like a lion and while he has struck and hit a blow I know that Jesus has won. I know that this life is only temporary and I have the promise of eternal life where I will no longer suffer or be rejected but only sit at the feet of Jesus and worship! And feel true love. My humanness has a hard time grasping this and resting in that. As my heart is in turmoil and confusion I ask for prayers of discernment, clarity, and I don't know what else. I desire to do what is right by God, not by me. I get confused. I'm so sorry about this rambling but there is so much going on in my heart. I had to let it go. I had to bear my heart. There really is no rhyme or reason to it, just an aching heart trying to figure out where I went wrong so badly that I must be forgotten.

I give myself over to God. I ask the Holy Spirit to pray for me because I am at a loss as to what to pray right now.

A rambling blog of blessings....

2009-03-18T21:18:00.002-04:00

(written by Jennifir)

Psalm 126:5-6

Those who plant in tears will harvest

with shouts of joy.

They weep as they go to plant their seed,

but they sing as they return with the harvest.

Romans 8:28

And we know that God causes everything to work together

for the good of those who love God

and are called according to his purpose for them.

This blog may be a rambling. I can't help it. My heart is so full of the Holy Spirit! I love Jesus so much! Truly. He has blessed me greatly with my desire to please Him. To seek Him. I want my Daddy to be proud of me! I want to glorify Him. There is a reason Tabitha was dragged to Dalton's by our Father up in heaven. I needed the verse that was on the coffee mug. Psalm 37:4. God would be burning that verse on my heart in the weeks to follow in a way that had yet to happen. I am amazed and awed! Just amazed. Flabbergasted with the intensity of it! I am in love! Jesus was and is and is to come! Whoa! He permeates my every pore. He permeates every heart at Faith Community Church! I am so blessed to have walked through those doors. So blessed that those God instructed to show me the way to Faith obeyed and did just that!

Psalm 126:5-6 and Romans 8:28 come to my mind and my heart because they are two of so many verses that God has used to not pluck me out or completely extinguish bad or hurtful situations but to get me through them. To guide me through them. I know that I need to experience certain things and that God knows I will go through them but He won't always take me out of them but He will give me the strength to persevere. His word is rich with His encouraging loving words. His love is always with me. I am so comforted knowing that no matter what I do His love can never be taken from me. Romans 8:38-39 What a blessing. I don't deserve that but because my Daddy loves me that much He gives it to me! OH my!

I sit here and think of the tears that I have seen shed today. Huge things have graced my ears that are life changing in some people's lives. I ask for prayer for them. God will know who you are talking about. It is in hearing of these things that I realize just how blessed I really am. I am so blessed. I thank God everyday that I no longer am at a point to where I am so hopeless that suicide could be an option. I am blessed that the Lord even as a lost women who was pregnant at the age of 19 was given the chance to have another child a few years later. And to have been forgiven for that heinous sin. I beat myself up for it everyday and every time I looked at my beautiful little girl who lights up my world. I snuffed out the life of an innocent before they ever had a chance to live. I had to forgive myself for it and I finally have but only through the help of Christ. Only through His grace and His love. I am blessed with a roof over my head and a church family who helps me in so many ways. Through prayer, emotional, growth and so much more.

And I am so blessed and so grateful for the work the Lord has done in my life in the past year. (March 15 was one year since I came to Christ). I am blessed to have gone through the extreme heartaches I have gone through because they brought me closer to God and I know deep in my sinful, selfish heart if He had not broken me I would not have gotten so close. Thank you Lord for doing whatever it took! Whatever it took! I am so blessed. In these times when it is so easy to look at what I don't have, it is harder to really see what I do have and I am rich in so much!

We have this view that having money and material things makes us rich but it is not! I can't help but think of Matthew 6:19-21 as I type those words. Don't store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves do not break in and steal. Where ever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be. I am so grateful for this! It is liberating to realize that all this here on earth is temporary. That I don't have to have "stuff". All I have to have is Jesus to be complete!

I have cried so much over the past year. More than I ever did. As I drove home I heard a chicken fried song and cried because it made me realize how much I love Jesus! I cried tears of joy. Don't ask me why the chicken fried song did that to me. It sounded happy and fruitless and much like Ecclesiastes! I'm rambling. I'm bubbling over with my love for Jesus! There is so much He has blessed me with I'd be here all night listing them. But the most important thing I have been blessed with is His unending love and grace!!!

I ask God to bless all those who read this!! I pray you feel the joy He has planted in my heart with the seeds of my tears. Tonight my words are the harvest! I sing with joy!!

Rhyme or Reason

2009-03-18T13:29:00.002-04:00

Lord, You know I've seen You
Romance me a thousand ways
But I'll never forget the first time
That You took my breath away
Oh, a tiny whisper
Through a few words from a friend
But deep inside it felt
Just like a mighty rushing wind.

Chorus:
There is no rhyme or reason to
The love You give to me
I only know that through Your death
It's life You've given me
Lord, I want to promise You
With every breath I breathe
To be a living testament
For all the world to see.

I can't deny that I'm on fire
And hope it lasts forever
Your love has penetrated me
I feel light as a feather
Lord, take these works of my hands
And use them to Your glory
Lord, my existance from now on
Is to seek to give You joy.

(Repeat Chorus x2)

I Love Myself Today

2009-03-17T02:46:00.003-04:00

Something about You
Just makes me so happy
Something in Your ways
Leaves me so giddy
Lord, it's the first time
I've felt this pretty
Oh Lord, its the first time
That I've felt this full

Chorus:
Something really clicked today
Under weight of Your devotion
Yeah, something finally clicked today
This is such a new emotion
I don't know where its coming from
I full so full of Your sunshine's rays
I can't believe that I finally
Truly love myself today.

You've given me a
New reason to believe
I just wanna take You in
With every breath I breathe
Oh Lord, You know I've never felt
So filled up with Your Joy
I know these three weeks
Can be the beginning only!

Stepping out in Faith

2009-03-14T21:10:00.003-04:00

(written by Jennifir)

James 2:21-24: Don't you remember that our ancestor Abraham

was shown to be right with God by his actions

when he offered his son Isaac on the altar?

You see, his faith and his actions worked together.

His actions made his faith complete.

And so it happened just as the Scriptures say:

"Abraham believed God, and God counted him as righteous because

of his faith." He was even called the friend of God.

So you see, we are shown to be right with God by what we do,

not by faith alone. (NLT)

As I read this scripture today I contemplated. We are saved by grace which is amazing in itself and through the sacrifice Jesus made for us on the cross we are made right with God. What I thought of as I read these verses though was that God does not want me to sit around and just have faith, but SHOW my faith through good deeds. All we do to glorify God is worship. Whether it is a smile and we allow Christ within us to shine or we actually go to another country to minister. God has called me to show my faith even when it is weak. It actually allows Jesus to shine all that much more because I am weak and I step back and drop the reins. I give them over to Him. I allow Him to shine through me. All that I do in His name is to glorify Him. My heart aches for Jesus! I love Him so much. As I grow closer to Him, I learn to hear what it is, little by little, what it is He wants me to do. And it's not just with ministry. It's with my life. Things that are scary. Things in my life that if I listened to myself, I would never do. He has asked me to trust Him. To show my faith and trust Him.

My first example is tithing. I have been tithing most of the year. Since I was convicted to tithe. I realized a few weeks ago that I am supposed to tithe on my gross income not my net. No wonder I haven't seen much improvement. I had been shortchanging God. I went a few days struggling over this concept. Wondering if I should tithe my income tax refund. Doing so would be a huge step out in faith. A huge step out of my comfort zone. I can't help but think of the song Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns. The Holy Spirit kept nudging me on it. Convicting me. I kept thinking. That's a rent payment, deposit for Honduras, a new camera. I was torn. As I think on it I cannot help but think of Galatians 5:16 where Paul tells us to allow the Spirit to lead us. If you read further down he talks of the struggle between the sinful nature and the Holy Spirit. I had to step out in faith. Allow myself to be led by the Holy Spirit, not by my mind which sees things totally different. I obeyed. I payed my back tithe with a joyous heart. I know the Lord will reward me. He has in so many ways, but especially by filling me so full of Him. By really beginning to grow FFJ! By revealing others who are supposed to be involved! It is so exciting.

It was scary to give that much money away when I need it so much, but the Lord promises that He will take care of our needs Matthew 6:25. So, why should I be so afraid to obey and put my share into God's storehouse as He instructs in Malachi 3:10. I know He will provide. He has placed a desire in my heart for a ministry. And at first I had no idea which direction or how it would go. He began it here with a blog. He is slowly teaching me, slowly moving us forward. He reveals only as much as I need to know at the moment. He is giving me the desires of my heart and I rejoice. I realize that my desires are not what they were a year ago, a few months ago, even a couple of weeks ago. My desires are being transformed into His desires. I praise God for working on me. For molding me! I love it! It keeps me close to Him.

I go to Him now and ask Him to continue to ask me to step out in faith. To SHOW that I have faith in Him not just say I do by doing things I know I myself cannot do but can do because Christ is in me. Philippians 4:13. I know this seems like such a muddled blog, but it is what is on my heart. I am excited to follow Jesus! To glorify Him. To obey no matter how ludicrous it seems to me or those around me. My heart belongs to Jesus! I am His to use. I pray and ask him to use me. I am a living sacrifice. I thank Him for all the blessings. I rejoice in all the trials! I will continue to do the best I can to step out in faith. To trust Him when He tells me He will provide. When He places a peace so strong in my heart when He puts people into my life. He has blessed me abundantly and He doesn't have to! How can I wrap my puny, sinful, tiny mind around that?? I can't. No matter how hard I try. I trust you , Father! That is all I can do! I hide underneath your wings Father! You will take care of me and guide me and you will provide the means for anything you ask me to do! Thank you!!!

Psalm 91:2-4 This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God and I trust him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. (NLT)

Oh Father, Daddy, protect me. Guard my heart. Guide me! Fill me with your Spirit! I love you more than I could ever express! Thank you for setting me free!! Thank you! I am no longer a captive because of your amazing son, Jesus Christ my Lord!

Isaiah 61:1

prayer

2009-03-10T08:40:00.003-04:00

One thing's for sure, we're definitely in a time of changes as of now. I just want to pray, and if anyone else is feeling similar feelings as I am then you can pray this with me =):

Father, there's so much going on in and around my life. I have no idea how you keep up with whole world, it's amazing to me. In this period of waiting and holding on to You and Your words, please just fill us with Your spirit, so we can bring glory to You every second of the way. God I've been up and down just this week. I feel like You're making preparations for something, and I think what drives most of us crazy, or me atleast, is that I don't know exactly what for. Whatever it is, I know it will be wonderful though if it's a plan from You.

Jeremiah 29:11-14"...For i know the plans i have for you," declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and i will listen to you. you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. i will be found by you," declares the lord, "and will bring you back from captivity or will restore your fortunes. i will gather you from all the nations and places where i have banished you," declares the lord, "and will bring you back to the place from which i carried you into exile."

God, even through times like these I find that You've brought me to a point where even if I think the slightest thought of not spending time with You, or just thinking, it'll be alright to just go to bed now and not pray or anything because I'm too tired, I feel nauseated. I literally get sick to my stomach. I could never make it through this life without You. Thank You so much, Lord, for placing me on the path You've made for me long before the earth had any form. It's so unbelievable to actually have a destiny. Where was I headed before You led me to go to church and get saved? Apart from You there is nothing fulfilling or worthwhile. No wonder I was so depressed back then. Thank You, Dad. I love You so much! Thank you for keeping me in Your word, and putting it on my heart to stay close to You.

Isaiah 41:13 For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Jeremiah 32:40 I will make an everlasting covenant with them:I will never stop doing good to them, and I will inspire them to fear me, so that they will never turn away from me.

New Titleless Song

2009-03-08T00:36:00.003-05:00

The silence is unnerving
Filling my heart with dread
The captain of my ship was
Tossed off board and now is dead
That's when my soul looked to the east
Beneathe the rising sun
I've found a brand new captain
He's my Lord, the Perfect One.
With gentle steps He came aboard
Reviving my ghost ship
Set me free upon a higher course
Opposed to wandering adrift

Chorus:
I feel You gently whisper,
Calm the gale inside my soul
My tiny ship is tossed about
Wave to wave and to and fro
They tell me You're the Lighthouse
On a hill for all to see
But in times like this, Jesus
Your light shines for only me.

I spent last night on bended knee
Awaiting Your command
I felt the minutes pass me by
Like tiny grains of sand
Slipping through the center
Of a slender hourglass
I cannot comprehend it
Why my patience could not last
Today I feel so restless
I can't explain my wanderlust
I don't know why I can't sit still
Oh, now travel on I must.

Chorus x1 then music stops; Bridge: sing a capella

Bridge:
Then sings my soul
My Savior, God, to Thee
How great Thou art
How great Thou art (repeat x1)

Note: should include a military march type drumbeat. :)

Random Rhymage. lol

2009-03-03T00:16:00.002-05:00

(written by Tab)

Take one glance and you can tell
I ain’t your average girl
So crack my shell, See for yourself
I’m more than boots and pearls.

I can’t lie when I was small
I was Daddy’s Angel Child
I spent my days covered in mud
Doing things to make him smile.

Take one glance and you can tell
I ain’t your average girl
So crack my shell, See for yourself
I’m more than boots and pearls

I may be a little older now
And live in my own way
But I haven’t changed so much you see
I please Him everyday.

Take one glance and you can tell
I ain’t your average girl
So crack my shell, See for yourself
I’m more than boots and pearls

My earthly dad won’t last forever
But my father up above
Saved my life one day
And filled me with His love

Step from behind that bush already!

2009-03-01T20:33:00.002-05:00

(Written by Jennifir)

This morning as I listened to Pastor Matt Pruett preach, he said something that struck a chord deep in my heart. Worship of God is the bottom line. There are so many ways to worship our Father. Prayer, praise, song, writing, helping others. Stepping out of our comfort zone as I did last night. I stood in front of a roomful of people, knees knocking and a microphone in my hand. I did learn that I need one of those hand less microphones. I tend to speak with my hands. I began to speak and the nervousness began to dissipate. I thanked Jesus for the fact there was no stage and my first speaking gig was in front of a small group, only around thirty to forty. I spent all week preparing mentally, digging in God's word. Finding verses that encouraged and empowered me as I was about to move to a new level in my spiritual growth. As I was about to truly obey and step out of my comfort zone.

I have been in Romans 8 all week. Praying these words to the Lord. Really chewing on them. Truly realizing that Christ IS in me and this is how I will be able to tell my story. To open the door to my heart in all its messiness to people I know and didn't know alike. To people who only knew the happy face of Jennifir. For the couple of weeks before I had been in Galatians 5 especially verse 16 where Paul advises us to let the Holy Spirit guide our lives. I took this to heart. I prayed and prayed and asked the Holy Spirit to guide me. To use me to tell my story in order to glorify Jesus. This is a very important and special form of praise for me. Glorifying Jesus in how He is the hero of my story! Jesus is my hero! He saved me...He pulled my feet from the net of sin. From the web of satan's lies and deceit. Psalm 144:7! Jesus rescued me from death and set me into His family. He wrote my name in the lamb's book of life and promised me eternal life. John 3:16.

And so as I prepared for my debut as a speaker in a matter that is utmost in my heart I really began to dig and dig. Only God could provide the answers and encouragement I needed. He showed me to follow the Spirit in Romans 8:4. In Romans 8:9-11 He encouraged me with words that comforted me greatly. I would not be alone. Christ is in me. The Lord showed me that if the same Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead lived in me then there was nothing I could not do because that Spirit is in me. It is that Spirit, Christ, who would provide the strength. The words. Even the appearance of nerves of steal! And of course there is Philippians 4:13. A very dear friend encouraged me with 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. (NLT). This is a very good verse. God does not want us afraid. He wants us full of His power in order to obey Him. And He gives us self-discipline to do the studying and take the time to get close to Him to hear exactly what it is He wants us to do and say. It was a new way for me to lean on the Lord this week.

I have leaned on Him in times of heartache but not in a time of growth and excitement. A time of a chance to squeeze out the sponge of me all that I have taken in in my extreme thirst for all that is Jesus! What an exciting and honorable thing Jesus has given me! I love Him so. And so I read through and clung to all these verses and more as the day, the night, the hour came closer that I would step across the threshold of my comfort zone. I won't lie I spent most of my day looking for the perfect outfit. I wanted to look nice, but be comfortable as well. I was representing the King of Kings! The Lord of Lords! My husband! Isaiah 54:5!

And so I gave my testimony last night, Saturday night for amazing people. For the mother of Tonya Hunts funeral expenses. She passed away unexpectedly last month. I was honored to do something for them, to help them. To give back to people who have been living witnesses to me before and after my salvation. And it is only God appointed at it came to happen. One of my closest and dearest friends in Christ. Someone who I have a shared vision with Tabitha to develop Freaky For Jesus into an amazing ministry asked me to share my testimony at a show he would be playing. I asked him what church and he told me, Spirit and Truth Baptist Church. I asked him if it was in an old dentist office in Clyde. He told me, yes. I told him, I work with people who go there. I asked him what it was for and he said a benefit for Bill Robinson then he told me for Tonya and Aaron's mom and I was floored and knew that God was slapping me in the face with this opportunity. There was no way I could say no to this although I had said yes, the minute Keil had asked. I had already told him a few weeks earlier that I felt called to speak although the idea of it scared me half to death. Keil didn't know I had any kind of connection with them. And Keil works for the pastor of Spirit and Truth. It was no accident how all that came about. God set all of that up. All in all, over 800 dollars was raised and I pray that was enough. Tonya had to leave work in order to stay home and care for her father. Isn't God just amazing!!

As I tuck that rabbit back into its proper place after chasing it, I will return to my story, my little testimony of the first time I shared the testimony of my salvation. I was so scared. Standing in front of people, exposing the most delicate part of me, my heart, is no easy thing to do. It leaves me vulnerable. Yet I knew and have known for some time the Lord was going to call me to share my story in a scarier venue then the Internet. On the Internet I was in my comfort zone. Hidden from all eyes as I conveyed my story of how Jesus made a difference in my life.

I think back on Saturday night as I sit here. Now in hindsight I picture myself with the microphone in my hand, afraid I may accidentally turn it off, I recall how Adam and Eve hid from God once they realized there was such a thing as not being in a comfort zone. Genesis 3:8-10. They hid because they were naked. Because of sin now in the picture, they knew fear and exposure. They covered themselves up and hid. Found a comfort zone behind the trees. The Internet is my trees. The Lord said it is time for you to show yourself. Expose your heart for me. To glorify me. It is scary to expose one self in such a way. I was given the advice as Saturday night loomed ever closer and closer, to picture my audience as naked. Instead, I felt naked. And I opened the door to my heart and gave all that I had to the people listening. And let me say I didn't dread it, I was very excited because I was being given a chance to be used by God in a powerful way. A way that I would have to prove my dedication and love for Him. That despite my fears I loved Him so much, I would push past my fears and ask Him for his help and guidance in order to glorify Him. Praise Him! I feel that the Lord felt more genuine praise and love pouring from my human, sinful heart than if I had just sat in my room by myself and told my story. Going the extra mile is an act of worship and I was overjoyed, yet with wobbly knees to do it! He knew what it took for me to obey and worship Him in such a way. I can see Him smiling down at me, a proud Papa as I obeyed what the Lord asks all of us to do in Romans 10:9-17!

I praise Jesus with all my heart!! I am so in love with Jesus I am beside myself! He truly is all I need! I seek Him diligently. And as I grow closer and closer to Him I am finding that His desires are becoming my desires! Psalm 37:4! Amen to that!!!

God bless all who read this!!!

New Song...Without a Title

2009-03-01T20:19:00.002-05:00

Note: Needs a title. Open for suggestions.

He held on to the only
Thing he'd ever known
He'd grown up thinking that
The music could save your soul
One day, an old time preacher man
Came and looked his way
Said, "Son, Christ is the one who
Can save your soul today."
He pursed his lips as he
Thought about those words
Then the Lord kicked in
And wiped away that smirk

Chorus:
That's when he gave in
And thought about his sins
He fell on his face
At this talk of amazing grace
He let the blood
Come and wash him like a flood
And then he stood again
Made a brand new man

A few years down the road he found
Himself lost without a place
He'd moved on and had
Forgotten the Lord's face
He was the father of three boys
And seperated from his wife
Music was once again his idol
and his heart was full of strife
He found a girl he though could
Maybe solve his troubles
Though she just pointed him right back
To the way and the Man
He'd sought after long ago.

Chorus
That's when he gave in
And thought about his sins
He fell on his face
At this talk of amazing grace
He let Jesus' blood
Come and wash him like a flood
And when he stood again
He'd become a brand new man.

This time he really understood
The path he was to follow
And when he truly thought of it
He knew his life was hollow
so... (repeat Chorus2)

You Rule

2009-02-26T23:25:00.003-05:00

I kneel here in silence
Awaiting Your command
Slowly I feel You
Give me the strength to stand
You whisper lightly
Beckon me to move
Pushing me slightly
Past all my moods

Chorus:
I'm done with doubt
Lonliness and despair
Remind me, Oh God
That You rule everywhere
I'll do what You ask
And prove You are real
To the world around me
Who disbelieves still.

I stand here in silence
In the midst of the battle
But I feel Your guidence
Through all of the madness
The war keeps on raging
And inside my heart
I know its the tip of the iceburg
This is only the start.

Chorus:
I'm done with doubt
Lonliness and despair
Remind me, Oh God,
That You rule everywhere
I'll do what You ask
And prove You are real
To the world around me
Who disbelieves still

In good times or bad times
You were there from the start
You keep on reminding
That You created this part
Of me that feeds on madness,
Doom, and despair
But I praise You, Jesus
Cuz You rule everywhere

Repeat Chorus x2

(Note: verse located on the bottom of the page where the 1st verse, chorus, and 2nd verse was written- "Many blessings are given to those you trust the Lord..." Psalm 40:4 TLB; on the page where the last verse was written, the verse says- "...He knows every detail of what is happening to me..." Job 23:10 TLB)

A Prayer

2009-02-24T10:53:00.002-05:00

Dear God:

I know you know my situation now, and how I feel like I'm drowning in a mess of my own creation. But you told her to tell me that it all isn't my fault! And I praise you for that! Its a mess created by four generations of heavy-laden sin in my family, and I have to banish it. I'm just waiting for further instruction. I just don't want to do it wrong.

But for now, while I'm waiting on the instructions and the verses for me to study on this, help me. Give me strength. I feel like I could die under the weight of the depression I battle every second of every day. And my family doesn't help. They have a long history of ignoring the things that are right in front of their faces and making them worse. My mom and dad haven't sought your will for me. If they had, then they'd know that I'm not supposed to be looking for another job. I'd kind of suspected it and then you gave me double confirmation that I'm not. But they don't seem to care what you want. They are pushing me to find a job. Well, I mean, it's not like I'm not working and just sitting at home mooching off them. I have a job. I don't like it much, but I know that its where you need me to be right now. I don't know why, and I don't really need to know. I guess I've said all this to say, Lord, please make Mom and Dad leave me alone about finding a job. I just feel like even looking right now goes against your will and I don't want to sin in this. I'm trying to hold on to you, but they don't understand. And they are Christians! I realized a long time ago that I trust you more than they do, but I didn't realize that it was this...what's the word?...bad, I guess.

I'm scared. I want more than anything to move out on my own, but you haven't given me an answer on that. Not a solid one anyway. Nothing more than "Wait, and see." I'm trying, I really am! Daddy, help. Give me peace. I need it so bad right now. I need freedom, and just quiet in this place. I am in your sight and in your hands. I'm yours.

I keep clinging to the vision you gave me Wednesday. This ministry is about to explode into something so much greater than anything I could have imagined, Lord. Our desire to be your hands and heal the broken is about to kick into high gear. I just need clarity, and to be constantly reminded of the vision you gave to me: The four of us that are to come together to start this are kneeling before you and you have anointed us and given us the weapons we need for this fight. I am saying now for everyone in the world to see that I trust you and you are in control and you will protect me in the fight to come! I just keep coming back to Jeremiah 46:3-5, 10. You gave me this word in December, and it still holds so true! "Prepare your sheilds, both large and small, and march out for battle! Harness the horses, mount the steeds! Take your positions with helmets on! Polish your spears, put on your armor! What do I see? They are terrified, they are retreating, their warriors are defeated. They flee in haste without looking back, and there is terror on every side," declares the Lord...But that day belongs to the Lord, the Lord Almighty--a day of vengeance, for vengeance on His foes. The sword will devour till it is satisfied, till it has quenched its thirst with blood. For the Lord, the Lord Almighty, will offer sacrifice in the land of the north by the River Euphrates. Its so good to know that You are going to fight for us. All we have to do is wear your armor and stand back to back, ready and willing to fight when charged!

I've cried more tears than I can count lately. I'm so down on myself and so lonely all the time. Satan wants that. I rebuke it everyday and choose to live and seek you instead of falling into the pit-trap the enemy has sprung. These tears are far from in vain. You will use them to your glory. You always do. This will use each one of them as a building block for our ministry to grow upon. I won't give up!

I love you and praise you for the wonders you are working in us. In Keil, Jen, and I. In the brother or sister that is to help us that we haven't met yet that is going to come to us soon. Weave us tighter together so that we won't be separated, as the enemy is going to try to do. We seek your face! We seek to bring you pleasure and to do the work laid out for us! Use us! We are yours! You called us to a ministry described in Isaiah 43:1-10, and we are more than willing. We are eager! Continue to prepare us! Father, I know this peace over me is nothing but the intense, beautiful work of your hands, and I know it is just reassuring my self doubt and saying that I did hear you right and that I am in your hands. You hold this situation and the demons of Hell at bay for a little while so that I may be at rest. I love you! Be with me this day as I go to care for residents who so desperately need someone to show them your love. Pour your love out of my face and heart and hands as I try to bring a touch of light into the darkness of that place. Help me never to waver in this resolve. I love you, I love you, I love you! I am yours and you are mine, O lover of my soul!

I Will Stand

2009-02-18T23:43:00.001-05:00

I Will Stand

I feel Your glory warm my face
As You lightly touch my hair
Chills always flow when You are there
And I am wrapped in Your embrace.
It is in You, My Lord, I rest
As You move in mighty ways
Lovingly growing my faith
Putting all works to the test.

But I will stand for You
When life is raging
Slinging chaos in my wake
Darkness hates my love for You
And always causes pain
Satan begs me to play
A victim but
I will stand for You

I can’t deny my imperfections
And flaws within my heart
Everchanging since the start
But I thrive on Your affection
Pour down Your grace and blessing
Wash me free from my transgression
I want to be a projection
Of Your purpose ever glorious.

But I will stand for You
When life is raging
Slinging chaos in my wake
Darkness hates my love for You
And always causes pain
Satan begs me to play
A victim but
I will stand for You

I am high upon a mountain now
But I know the valley is to come
And I may not know the why or how
But I’ve fallen in Your love. (Repeat x1)

Change

2009-02-16T23:33:00.002-05:00

Change has come
I'm shifting gears
Saying goodbye
To all of my tears
Love now has come
And healed my rips
Now fear won't keep me
Within its grips
So, I'm...

Screaming
Shouting
Dancing for my Lord
Praising
I worship
Living out His Word
Trusting
Walking
So blind eyes will see
I'm not
Perfect
But He's changing me.

A ministry is rising
Out of our midst
Who would have predicted
This from such misfits?
Temperature is rising
Lord, you must be in this
Cuz Satan's picked a battle
But we know he can't win
So we will keep...

Screaming
Shouting
Dancing for our Lord
Praising
We'll worship
Living out His Word
Trusting
Walking
So blind eyes will see
That we're not
Perfect
But He's changing each.

Guided by the Holy Spirit!

2009-02-12T22:11:00.003-05:00

Galatians 5:16-18

So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won't be doing

what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which

is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Sprit gives us desires

which are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires.

These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not

free to carry out your good intentions. But when you are directed by

the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses. (NLT)

I have really been meditating on these verses. Really thinking about spiritual warfare and how easily the shackles come back on me. I have spent time this week asking God to help me understand and break a pattern I seem stuck in. This was what He showed me. Realize that the pattern is your sinful nature and the Holy spirit fighting each other. Let go so you may be live and be guided by the Holy Spirit. I keep thinking "How, God? How?" How do I let go? How do I stop this destructive pattern? How do I protect my heart yet keep it open for you, Father? How do I hope in the Lord, not in other things? I have been contemplating this for the past few days and am still contemplating on exactly what it means to hope in the Lord. I so desire to hope only in Him, yet I find myself hoping for a husband. Hoping so much I'm looking around every corner for him. Taking my focus off Jesus. I don't want to give into my sinful nature and it is sinful for me to idolize the idea of a husband. I am taking my attention of God. I only want to hope in Him....but how? I keep praying and asking and God is showing me, I am slowly picking it up. I know that I have a tendency to pick things up fast, but this is one concept, for some strange reason, I am having a hard time to grasp. I want to hope that my life will get better. That I will meet the man God has chosen for me but at what point does it become more than hope and turns into an obsession.

I realize that I am a very selfish girl. I keep thinking about myself, my desires, and even if I would like to think it is not true, they are worldly desires. I have asked God to help me repent of my selfishness. I spend so much time groveling in my own self pity, my own loneliness that I forget the bigger picture. I miss out on opportunities to praise God in a most amazing way. Serving Him. Helping His children. God is revealing so much to me lately. A new hope has entered my heart as I have begun to really look at myself. And much of what I have seen is not pretty, but with God's help, correction, love, and guidance can begin to be turned around. I tend to feel I am a victim. I have to let go of that sentiment. I am not a victim. I am a child of God! He will use and has used all bad and turned it around for good. (Romans 8:28) God is most amazing. I thank Him for using others to show me things about myself so I can change, truly transform now that Christ is in me! It is all in God's time. God has performed miracles in many aspects of my life lately and in the lives around me that I would be dumb not to see them. Only God could do what I have seen.

God has given me a vision. A shared vision with some other amazing people! I pray that with the hope planted in me of this vision that we all follow His will in this. That we are patient and listen and follow His plan as He has destined it. I am learning that God has great plans to use me. I choose to be a servant and living sacrifice. I love God! I want to serve God. (Romans 12:1-2) And I realize as I choose to sacrifice my body to Christ that my sinful nature, the ways of the world around me fight to pull me back in. God promised me in a dream this past week that He will set me free from the captivity of my sinful nature and this pattern I seem to have gotten caught in. He promised me that once and for all, through Christ that pattern is now broken! (Phil. 4:13).

What an amazing, beautiful promise! A promise that has filled me full of a hope I have not felt since the night I chose to accept Christ. I thank the Lord for always hearing my prayers and answering them in His time not mine. I know just a couple of months ago, I would not have been ready to face some of the truths God has shown me about my darker side this week. I am grateful for His mercy and grace! I trust in the Lord completely! (Proverbs 3:5-6). He has a plan for me and it is a perfect plan for me. I must sit back and wait on him to show me as is necessary. Sometimes, I only need to know just enough to take the next step!! (Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 27:14, Psalm 37:7, Ruth 3:18) There are so many more! God is my fortress! I will hide beneath His wings. Oh Father! Thank you!

I praise you from the very depths of my soul and heart! I love you! And I ask you to help me do the hardest thing of all. Look at myself!

New Song

2009-02-09T15:25:00.001-05:00

This song doesn't have a name nor may not be finished, but here it is anyway! I love you, Jen!!!

I’m pausing by the doorway
Of consciousness
And trusting that He knows
The way to go.
The freedom I should feel
Is lying dormant
And I am clinging to the peace
That He is promised.

The chaos in my heart is
Ever flowing
Nonsense fighting hard
To take me over.
Fear of futures unknown
And waves of anxiety
I can’t battle anymore
Lord, set me free.

I feel just like I should
Keep everything in me inside
Stay locked up tight
Anybody that I’ve ever tried to trust
Hurts me and makes me cry
Lord, you’re the only
Stable thing within my life
Be with me and hold my hand tonight.

Enoch

2009-02-03T12:43:00.002-05:00

So, this morning when I was doing my devotion, I turned to the place in Job where I left off, and the Lord said, "NO!" It was loud and resounding, so I closed it and said, "okay, Lord. Where'm I going today?" And that's how I ended up in Genesis; and I was lead to Chapter 5.

For those of you who don't know, chapter 5 of Genesis is the geneology of Adam. It goes from Adam all the way through the birth of Noah and then Noah's sons. At first, I couldn't understand the Lord's thoughts, but then I realized around verse 21. This was one of my favorite Bible stories, and it had been so long since I looked at it that I had forgotten where it was. Verses 21-24 are all of the mention we have of Enoch, but he is so incredible. "Enoch lived lived 65 years, and begot Methuselah. After he begot Methuselah, Enoch walked with God three hundred years, and had sons and daughters. So all the days of Enoch were three hundred and sixty-five years. And Enoch walked with God; and he was not, for God took him."

When I read this as an adult, it struck me in a much different way than it had as a child. Enoch lived 365 years, and as a kid, that's what hit me the hardest. But now, "for God took him." I mean, we know that he walked with God. He and God were crazy tight. So tight that God didn't want him to die. Now from what I can tell from previous studying into it and the teachings of the pastor from my childhood (and if there are Bible scholars reading, feel free to email and correct me), before Jesus came and died, the people who died were taken to a sort of holding place. And in that holding place, there was 2 sections reserved: one for those who walked with God and followed Him, and one for those who didn't. When Jesus came and died, during the three days he was dead, he went to hell, got the keys, then went to the holding place and sent the people to their perspective afterlives. When Genesis says that "Enoch walked with God; and he was not, for God took him," that screamed to me that the Lord was so close to Enoch that He didn't want to be separate from him long enough for Jesus to come. It blew my mind. I want to be so close to the Lord that He just decides to take me! Its an incredible thought that the Lord could do this.

Upon closer examining, though, that is exactly what Jesus did. God couldn't bear to be without us any longer. So He came to earth, died, went to Hell for us, so that He can be with us forever. Now, He doesn't have to "take" us; we just have to learn to rely more fully on Him. Its kind of cool what you can get from 4 little verses in Genesis!!

Pray to rebuke unbelief!

2009-01-31T11:51:00.003-05:00

(written by Jennifir Huston)

I have been struggling lately with unbelief. I pray, but it seems God does not even hear. I know He does. He has answered many prayers, but when it comes to me personally, I have a hard time believing. I know this is partly because I feel I don't deserve to have my personal prayers answered. I believe for others, but not for me. I have been so used to being put on the back burner, that I have found I even expect it from God. Over the past few weeks, as this truth has come to the surface, I have prayed for help with this. Of course God is not going to answer prayers that are not fully heartfelt even if I think they are. They are not heartfelt because the belief and expectancy that they will be answered is not there. So, as with any healing process, I had to identify the wound first. Not necessarily the cause, but I see that as well. Just the wound and the wound is that I feel undeserving. I have caught myself thinking, "why would He answer any of my prayers for me? I don't deserve to be happy. I am selfish to even be thinking about myself." But God tells us He wants us to be happy. He loves us. He will bless us with what we need as well as much more. Psalm 37:4 and John 10:10 are just two verses that come to mind. So, the next step after opening my eyes and seeing this one particular wound, I began praying about it. And I received an answer directly from His word!

Wait a minute!! God did answer a personal prayer! Revelation in itself, right!

Earlier in the week, I am in one of my Bible studies, actually, a Beth Moore study. It is called Jesus: 90 Days with the One and Only. A very good study, I might say. I am really getting a chance to grow closer to Jesus. Get to know Him. The study sent me to Mark 9 where the story of the demon possessed boy is. There were a few verses that really struck me. Mark 9:22-24 The spirit often throws him into the fire or into water, trying to kill him. Have mercy on us and help us, if you can." "What do you mean, if I can?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes." The father instantly cried out, "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:29 Jesus replied, "This kind can be cast out only by prayer." I truly believe in my heart, that unbelief is Satan working to thwart God. With unbelief I am thrown into the fire or the water. Satan tries to kill my spiritual well being by flooded me with unbelief. I had to first admit that I have unbelief. I do belief, but I do have unbelief. I feel God is showing me that it is normal to have unbelief, that it is one of the way Satan attacks and that I cannot overcome this evil spirit on my own. That even the strong believers around me may not be able to help me except through prayer. Only Jesus can rebuke the evil spirit of unbelief, but I have to recognize it then go to Him. I have to ask for help to overcome it! I have to push past that evil spirit of pride and humble myself to realize that I am capable of unbelief.

In fact, I have been so full of unbelief. I noticed throughout the past couple of weeks as I began praying for help with this evil spirit, God has shown me little signs that only He could have intervened. Silly, little things, but things I notice. Last week, I think it was last week, when it snowed, there was no windshield wiper fluid in my car. I could barely see. I had no money to buy more. Still don't. A few days ago, my windshield was looking all dirty so I decided to try it. Miraculously, there was fluid in my car! I had not told anyone about it.

Then, there are verses that He keeps sending me to. Matthew 19:26 and Luke 1:37. Telling me through His own words that with God anything is possible. I need to stop trying to fix my problems. Pray to my Father and ask for His help. I cannot do it. Matthew 19:26 Jesus looked at them intently and said, "Humanly speaking it is impossible. But with God everything is possible." I notice now as I write this, many times Jesus is speaking to His disciples as they too, while there sitting with Jesus in the flesh, struggled with unbelief. Jesus is teaching me. He is teaching me to trust in Him. To let Him handle things. To let go.

He answered my prayer as I drove home and I glanced up at the beauty of the clouds. I snapped pictures with my cell phone. After looking at the pics I noticed something amazing. Miraculous. A sign that Jesus has me in the Palm of His hand. The clouds formed a thumb and four fingers, in the center of his palm was the sun which looks like a hole. The rays of the sun radiate from around the center and make His palm shine. Isaiah 49:16 See I have written your name on the palms of my hands. Always in my mind is a picture of Jerusalem's walls in ruins. Jesus has written my name of the palm of His hands. As I feel I have had to lose so much and be alone, and have no money and struggle so much, that my time in the desert is almost over. He is in the process of restoring me. But I must believe. How can I not believe with His hand enveloping me with His love above Interstate 40 on a beautiful, balmy day? What a promise! My belief grows and grows! I pray Mark 9:24 everyday now and realize that I have been humbled and reminded that I am human and only He can save me. Only He can fix things. That He has a plan for me and I must trust in Him. I must curl up under His loving warm feathers and let Him fight the fiery battle going on all around me. I must clothe myself with His love and rest in His loving palm! Psalm 91:4 He will take care of me.

One more thing He has shown me this week is that Satan cannot destroy a bond cemented by Jesus. A bond I have with Asia and Tabitha. As I listened to Tabitha talk about being in Job this week, my heart leaped. I am in Job too! I thought. As Asia and I talked we both realized we had both been praying that same verse in Mark 9! We are so connected. The Lord has great plans with the three of us. I am so excited to see where He takes us! We believe! We love Jesus so much! Even in Tabitha's songs, it is as if she is in my head! Praise God!

He's working♥

2009-01-30T09:06:00.005-05:00

(written by Asia Sias)

You remember that story of the demon-possessed boy who Jesus healed? Its in Mark 9...Well, at the beginning of this week I read the story just once and two parts stuck out to me...first, when the man who asked Jesus to heal his son said, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"(v.24)...and the part that stuck out to me the most was when the disciples asked why they weren't able to drive out the spirit and Jesus replied, "This kind can come out only by prayer."(v.29).

When I first looked at this story I tried to compare it to the other books versions of it, but this was the only one worded this way. I couldn't really understand what Jesus meant by, 'this kind can come out only by prayer.' It made me wonder, isn't prayer the answer to just about everything? Had the disciples not known to pray before? I kind of just put this story on the back burner and began reading else where. But for some reason, each time I prayed, that one verse, 'help me overcome my unbelief', continued to pop up in my head at the most random times. I honestly didn't really think much of it, I just sort of mumbled it with the rest of my stories to God about my day thinking that maybe He wanted me to say it for some reason. Well, I gotta tell you, prayer is powerful. I guess you already know that, so I'm sort of telling myself more than anyone else, because I honestly have had doubts and confusion about prayer all my life, but I continue doing it because Jesus did. And I'm pretty sure that because of this trust I have in Him in something so simple as prayer that I used to struggle a lot with, He's finally revealing to me some of the things I've always wondered.

Well, praying that one sentence every night, 'help me overcome my unbelief,' even though I sort of nonchalantly mumbled it, has really made a difference. I quit one of my newest jobs because they lied to me about hours, and for like two days I ran around putting in applications to all these restaurants and job search sites. The first day I put in an application to Applebees, and they told me to call back the next day. I was really hopeful for that one. I also had gone to Shoneys, who told me to come back tomorrow for new applications, Ihop, who told me they weren't hiring but I just filled out an application anyways, and Cracker Barrel, who told me to come the next day for an interview. So I called back Applebees, and guess what, not hiring. And I went to Shoneys, same thing. Cracker Barrel, too. I kind of lost hope in those jobs and began to wonder if I would have to go work at like...a fast food place or something...that would be a drag..no offense to anyone who works there btw lol. Well, apparantly at Ihop one of the waitresses quit the very next day and...I start on monday. Wow, Lord, what a way to help me overcome my unbelief!♥

Not only did the Lord do that for me in such a magnificent way, but He also had given the same exact verses to Jennifir! She started telling me and Tabitha about how she'd been reading this one story alot this week. As soon as she said, 'the possessed boy' I began to finish her sentences. And she said that she'd been praying that one verse, 'help me believe more.' Wow. It blew my mind. I don't think that's ever really happened to me before with anybody. Just by having us both praying over that line did help us overcome our unbeliefs!

Thank you, God, so much for helping me, and my friends/family, grow and learn more about you. My anxiety over this summers job, and whatever comes after that, is a chain that is no longer on my ankles pulling me down. I know the Lord has me in His hands. He always has. And looking back on the little bits and pieces of my life, it's obvious that He was working. I tend to think sometimes that the Lord has forgotten me..or that He's still gonna stick by me, but He's just decided to use other people for His work because I'm not clean cut enough for the job. But I know He's more faithful than that. He's not just the God of love, He is love!

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

-2 Corinthians 12:9

"I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children." -Matthew 11:25

Home Away from Home

2009-01-30T00:59:00.000-05:00

(a song, written by Tabitha Scott)

Home Away From Home

The tears that I refuse to cry
And constantly keep locked inside
Have rendered my soul into an ocean
The same sob story of my life
And all my self-obsessing strife
Leave me foundering around without a notion
Of all the things I should become
Or the destiny provided from
The God Above who holds my world in motion

They say home is where the heart is
And there you should be safe
But I don’t feel I’ve started
Trusting in Your Grace
Oh, they say home is where your heart is
And there you should be safe
But homes and hearts discarded
Tonight long for Your embrace

Lord, I seek freedom from depression
Break through my vain obsession
With searching for a man to give me love
I should know without a question
That You are my possession
And greater is not here but up above
Oh, destroy all this aggression
And discourteous suppression
Of all these wicked things I bottle up.

They say home is where the heart is
And there you should be safe
But I don’t feel I’ve started
Trusting in Your Grace
Oh, they say home is where your heart is
And there you should be safe
But homes and hearts discarded
Tonight long for Your embrace!

Bridge:
Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms
Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms

They say home is where the heart is
And there you should be safe
But I don’t feel I’ve started
Trusting in Your Grace
Oh, they say home is where your heart is
And there you should be safe
But homes and hearts discarded
Tonight long for Your embrace!

Time's running out

2009-01-27T09:18:00.003-05:00

Lately I've just been reading Samuel..I actually just finished 1 Samuel after weeks of procrastination. Well, while reading 1 Samuel I was inspired to write down just one thing in my bible as a side note regarding how David spared Saul's life more than once. I wrote:'Not every opportunity opened for us is a good one, sometimes God allows doors to be opened that we shouldn't go through, or should only go through half-way, as David does each time he has a chance to kill Saul.' Each time David had a chance to kill Saul, his friends would say, "This is the day the Lord has promised when He said 'I shall give your enemies in your hands'." Yet each time, David only cut off a piece of a robe or something to show Saul later that he did have opportunities to kill him, but chose not too. How did David know it was wrong to kill him? That's the question that's been bugging me throughout the last half of the book of 1 Samuel.

So I tried to put myself in the situation. Ok, I'm David. I'm destined to be king, or so the prophet told me. I'm running for my life because my best friends father, Saul, is trying to murder me. My first thoughts are probably...Why in the world is this happening?? I'm promised by the Lord that all of my enemies will be given into my hands. So I trust in God and keep running. Finally, a day comes where Saul enters into a cave that I'm in with all of my buddies, and he doesn't even see us. In fact, he's just using the bathroom. All of my friends look at me and say, this is surely the day that was promised to you, go kill him! So I go out and only cut off a piece of his robe?

I'm sorry, but if that were me I don't know what I would do. As of now I could never picture myself murdering anyone, but David was a mighty warrior...'Saul has killed his thousands, David his tens of thousands'. (That was a song they used to sing around town back then lol). I think God just spoke to him through his conscience. It does say, "Afterward, David was conscience-stricken for having cut off a corner of his robe."(1 Samuel 24:5). But that was after he actually decided not to kill him and to only cut off his robe...So maybe it was in the laws of Moses, which David knew pretty well I think, that said something about not killing guys like Saul, a.k.a. kings. Well, all I'm saying is if all my friends were telling me it was what the Lord wanted and it was right, I might've handled it a little differently. And that kinda scares me.

Well, after reading that book and thinking about those things, it was about dinner time! So we all sat down and Katlyn and Marian started telling me about this book they were reading. They were really excited about it because they both said I'd like it alot. It was apparantly about this missionary who made the decision to fully rely on God for absolutely everything in order to prepare for his calling. He wasn't poor or jobless or homeless or family-less or anything like that. But he decided to pray to God for everything and not ask anyone for a cent. So, for example, at his work his boss told him to remind him when he needed to pay him, because his boss maybe had a short term memory, or too much to do, etc, etc. So instead of reminding his boss, the guy asked God to remind the boss so he didn't have to ask him for anything.

Anyways, I'm not gonna say what happened, because I don't really know, but if someone wants to know the title of the book so they can read it, just ask me and I'll find it for you. Well, my main point of this book was that then the missionary's father sent him a lot of money. He didn't ask for it or anything. Surely this must be from God right!? Nope, the missionary didn't take it. Ok, so while they were continuing to tell me more about the book, almost to the point where I wouldn't have to read it because they were so excited =P lol, I could only think, God, what in the world are you trying to tell me? First David passes up these opportunities that seem to be from you, and he actually made the right decision, and now I hear about this guy who just passed up something that I again would've mistaken as being from you...Well, how can I tell the difference Lord? I'm not all too bright or in tune with you, atleast not as much as these guys were obviously. I would love to be, I would love to rely on you with everything I've got, but as easy as that sounds, I'm not sure I know how to get there.

Pastor Matt was talking about how the Jewish people were coming out of the desert in Deuteronomy 8. The Lord instructed them there to "Be careful that you do not forget the Lord you God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day."(v.11). So they'd been wandering the desert for years upon years, and now it's finally making sense. God finally tells them why they'd been wandering. "...to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commands."(v.2). I kinda feel like I'm at the edge of the river right now, and I don't know which way to cross. I don't exactly have moses physically by my side, though I do have the Holy Spirit, but He's just a little harder to see, so It's not too clear right now which direction He's pointing.

I have a lot of decisions to make...and I know God is definitely pointing a certain way, and it's obvious He's guiding me, but I'm worried that I'm not seeing clear enough to fully understand Him. I know I'm gonna have to cross eventually though, I can't just sit on this side forever. But I also know that when I do cross, it won't be exactly a walk in the park. There'll be waters flowing left and right, maybe even some gators or hippos, and maybe even sinking sand! Good thing I've been watching Man vs. Wild, I'm pretty much a pro at getting out of these situations by now =P.

Well, I just ask that some of you will pray for me regarding theses decisions. Thank you ♥

Break Me

2009-01-27T00:27:00.002-05:00

Break Me
(written by Tabitha)

Oh Lord, what have I done?
Look at this mess that I’ve become!
I’ve stumbled back to my old ways
Forgotten how it feels in Your Grace
Bring me back from this ledge
Stop the meaningless dredge
Toward my own destruction
Oh, my own destruction

Chorus:
Lord, break me down
From my self-made pedestal
Break me down
I need to be made humble
Break me down
Destroy my false idols
Break me down
And make me new again

I know I’ve strayed so far
I don’t remember Your Heart
Or Your touch in my life.
My heart is full of strife,
Chaos, and lies of the Enemy
I need to be broken clean
Stop this fantasy,
Oh, Wake me from this dream.

Chorus x2

They say that what makes you better
Are the things that leave you broken
So in order to get better,
Lord, just make me broken (repeat, then Chorus)

Sometimes We have to Go into Darkness to see the Light

2009-01-24T22:29:00.001-05:00

As I drove home last night in scary driving conditions with a heavy heart, the tears wanted to come, but I could not muster them. I was condemning myself for some bad choices I have made the past few days. Part of my old self tried to emerge, but Jesus said, No! A raging battle was going on deep inside my heart. I was almost numb to it, blind even to the bad decisions I was making. God tried to stop me. I wouldn't listen. Satan decided to use my loneliness to try to override Jesus. Jesus was the victor and He knew He would be. He always will be the victor. He kept a hand held tightly to my life vest. He allowed me to go only so far. He placed a deep uneasiness in my heart and made the snow begin to fall all the more. Leave now. He said to me. "You sit in the lion's den. The web of a spider. Get out now while the roads are still passable. While there are only scratches on your already badly bruised heart. Satan tried to catch me. Lock me in with bad choices. I felt like a fly caught in a web. A web I had spun myself out of my own aching, lonely heart. Satan was using me to weave a web of the lies he kept telling me about myself. I was wriggling to get free. I was too weak to get free on my own. Jesus is not though. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. He gave me the strength to break free from the web of my own making. He plucked me out of that web. He blocked the way of the lion so I could leave the den. He placed it on that person's heart to not want me there anymore and placed a need to leave as soon as possible on my own heart. The fear of icy roads being the way Jesus decided to save me. The feeling of being unwanted being the way Jesus decided to pluck me out of a bad decision on my part. He gave me a way out and for once I listened. I left.But not without a little chastising as I drove home tense on icy roads and a blurry windshield. Not without a deep pounding in my heart and Mark Driscoll's Peasant Princess in the CD player. I was so scared. I had gone to the edge of the cliff. I had slipped and almost fell, but was pulled out by my savior, Jesus Christ for no other reason except He loves me! He truly loves me!I came home and read Psalm 93. I prayed it to my Father. My savior. The Lord is King. As I read verses 3 and 4, I realized I had been in the midst of a raging storm. A flood on my heart stronger than I have experienced in a long while. I buried myself in His Word. I opened my Bible to 2 Chronicles 20 and was amazed. Here God was telling me, You are in the midst of a battle. Stand firm. I will take care of your enemies. Satan. Verse 17: But you will not have to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord's victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow for the Lord is always with you! This really hit home because I have been bombarded with discouragement lately.I read this verse and my eyes nearly popped from their sockets. He was telling me what He had done for me last night. He fought my fight. I was too weak. I realize now as I write this that since I have done and continue to do as Jehoshaphat did and pray to God for guidance and help even as far as fasting last week, that He is fighitng this fight. That I don't need to. I laid my face to the floor and I gave everything to God, my Father. I ask Him to help me give it to Him for I do not know how. Through my emotional and somewhat scary ordeal n the long drive home, the Lord led me straight to my answer through the answer He gave to Jehosaphat's prayer as well as mine. I must be geared up by His Word. I must wear the Armor of God then stand fir in my faith in Jesus Christ as He fights the battles for me. In the revealing of this revelation, another revelation emerged. I found myself in Colossians through a Bible study I do most mornings before I go to work. Colossians 2:6 and 7. I have chosen to follow Jesus, but I must take this a step further. I must not only follow Jesus but I must keep my head bowed and my eyes on His feet as I follow in His shadow. So close to Him he trips over me. To not only keep my eyes focused on Him, but on His feet the path He has me on. To have faith and trust that He only leads me to good. Jeremiah 29:11 To not look ahead. To not look behind. To not look all around. To trust completely in Him even as He takes me into the darkest recesses of my heart to reopen wounds so they may heal properly. So I may truly be whole again. I feel now and praise God for using a not so good situation with bad choices on my part to remind me of where I came from. Of the walking dead woman I was not so long ago. To appreciate that God gave the ultimate sacrifice in sending His only begotten Son to die on the cross for my sins. For all our sins. For placing Him in my heart through the Holy Spirit to save me each time I knock myself down. I am so grateful for all the Lord teaches me through whatever happens to me, around me, or within me. I praise Him for growing me closer to Him everyday. For loving me. For healing me so I can be an uncracked vessel for God to use. Oh, I praise Jesus as I follow Him with my head bowed, my eyes on His heals and my heart bursting with my love for Him!

A Christmas Story During the Depression

2009-01-20T19:51:00.002-05:00

(written by Jennifir)

A Grice Christmas Story as told by Mary Pearl

My name is Mary Pearl. I want to share a story of one of the best Christmas' in my life. A Christmas the Lord stepped in and placed our poor family on another family's heart. It was the year 1930, during the Depression. My Daddy was a sharecropper in South Carolina. Farming was not a good livelihood that year, nothing grew. We lived in a tenant house on the land we farmed and as long as we farmed the land we could live there. We had a large family. Nine of us in all. There were four brothers: Wilbur, 8; Leroy, 5; George, 3; and Keisler, 2. And three sisters: Virginia, 14; Mary Pearl, 6; and Betty Ruth, newborn. Then there was Mamma Ola and Daddy Noah.

Fall came and went. Christmas was fast approaching. Daddy was sick and my Mamma had just given birth to Betty Ruth in November. The next thing we knew it was Christmas Eve and still there was no money. Mamma and Daddy were at a loss as to what to do for their children. Nothing had been done toward Christmas. All of the children were looking for Santa to come. Four of the smaller children hung their stalkings on the mantle above the fire in hopes Santa would stop at their house during the night. The three youngest brothers were so excited they decided to sleep in the same room with the stockings and waning fire. They were so anxious, they couldn't sleep. They covered their heads with their blankets. They kept peaking form underneath them to see if Santa had been there to fill them yet. He hadn't. They continued this game of peek a boo with Santa until they could stay awake no longer.We could hear Mamma humming a gospel song about Jesus. Little did we know that Daddy had left the house sick and walked the three miles to our neighbors home. He waited until we were all asleep. He went to a family, dearly loved friends of our family, Luther and Alice Black. He looked past his pride on behalf of the happiness of the children he so dearly loved. He turned to the Black family for help. Daddy went to them and told them he had no money for food for Christmas. Mr. and Mrs. Black loved our family so much they got out of bed and drove the four miles to the little town of Ridgespring, South Carolina. They went to the Lutheran church and spoke to the preacher there. The Blacks told him of the plight of the Grice family. The next morning was uneventful as the children awoke to find empty stockings hanging above the fireplace. Santa had not stopped by this small tenant house. The children shook off their disappointment and went outside to play their games. Games they knew how to play in the sand. As they played, the brothers noticed this buggy and white horse coming toward their house. They stopped their play standing amazed at what they saw. The gentleman leading the buggy had a natural, long white beard. The man pulled right into the yard and asked the little boys. "Is this where the Noah Grice family lives?"

They replied, "Yes, sir!"

The man with the natural, long white beard, buggy and white horse asked if he could speak to their Daddy. They ran and got Daddy. Daddy came out and the gentleman told him that Santa Claus had broken down in Ridgespring. Santa had asked him to deliver Christmas for him.

They unloaded the buggy and there was much to be thankful for. Santa had brought a ham, turkey, fruit of all kinds, nuts, candy and cookies. There was even a toy for each child, seven of them. That was one of the happiest Christmas' that I had. It turned out to be one of the best Christmas' ever. The family of Luther and Alice Black was a Christian family. We loved the Lord, but were unable to go to church very often. We had no decent clothes or shoes to attend church. In my mind, I will never forget that Christmas.My brothers were so humble during that time, so sweet and innocent. Their humbleness and hopeful hearts were rewarded. Santa did come to see them, just not when they expected him as God does with us on a daily basis. He will bless us. He will fill out stockings but not necessarily when we want Him to but in His time. I, at the time was six years old. And I am the one telling the story, Mary Pearl.

And now, as I tell this story to my granddaughter as Christmas 2008 approaches, I am a grown woman. I am now 85 years old. I was blessed with a good mother and father who raised seven children and Daddy was a sharecropper all his life.My Daddy died a poor man, yet rich in love. We had love in our family. We grew up loving one another and have always been close and helped each other out when we could. We have the bond of a very spiritual Christmas story where miracles happened.

Side note from Jennifir:As I write this story for Mary Pearl, a woman special in my heart. A woman who has been like a grandmother to me, I can't help but be touched. I can't help but be grateful and see what the true meaning of Christmas is. Or how humbling having no worldly possessions can be. It is a chance to grow closer in our relationship with God. To praise Him and thank Him for the incredible sacrifice He made for our sins through His son, Jesus Christ. It is a humbling lesson in hope. As I read through Mary Pearl's story, I realize that although I may not have much materially, I have been blessed with so much spiritually. I've been blessed by the love of my God. I have been blessed with a loving family in Christ. The Lord is good and amazing and I choose to take from Mary Pearl's story to be thankful for all that I have and not what I don't have. I am given hope during a dark time in my own life. A life where the farming of a lonely heart is not good. I take comfort in Psalm 126:5 Yet I know if I stop checking that stocking and focus on Jesus He will be on a buggy pulled by a white horse and come out of what seems like nowhere, but was planned all along! A buggy full of all I need as well as some the things I desire. He will bless me abundantly. Thank you, Mary Pearl for sharing a story that after so many years can touch so many hearts. You are one amazing woman. I thank God for placing you in my life at the most perfect time.

Two verses that come to mind through this story are Psalm 27:4 and John 10:

decisions, decisions, decisions

2009-01-19T10:17:00.003-05:00

I have to admit that since I've gotten back from my most recent trip I've been having to force-feed myself the Word each day. Well, I guess it isn't that dramatic lol but I did get into the habit of not reading so much as I used to. But the good news is that I have still made myself get into it each day. I made the decision last week to just read the book of Ezra. I figured that it would simply only help me get back into the habit of reading daily. No big deal really, it's just basically about the rebuilding of the temple.

Anyways, Ezra hasn't been the only thing on my mind. I just got an extra job and I'm now feeling the pressure of the new decisions that came with this new year. Am I going to apply for Student Life Summer Camp or check out the Hondura's mission trip? And am I going to try for a year in England, or save up for YWAM? Or maybe I'll even throw in a little college in there to spice things up a bit! That would make my family happy for sure.

All these things, and I know it's probably not as big of a deal as I see it, have been weighing down on me from the moment I stepped foot off that plane and into NC. But it's amazing how near God has been through all of this anxiety. Even when I was in Florida, He made His presence known. But though I felt Him around with all of my stress, I had no idea what He was telling me to go for. I know sort of what I would like to go for, but is that what He is telling me to do? How do I know for sure? Please Lord make it obvious and clear for me.

Well, although He hasn't given me a specific direction to go in thus far...or although I haven't been able to get it through my hard head what He's trying to tell me to do...I did most definitely hear from Him this week. On thursday night we talked about our talents and gifts, and how we could use them or are using them to give back to the church. I think the day before, or actually maybe even that same day just before our fuse group, I had decided to not only apply for general positions in the summer camp, but also to audition for the drama team, AT2AP (All Things 2 All People). I'm not exactly sure if acting is a gift and/or talent of mine...I just really really enjoy it. And so when we talked about it on Thursday night it really got me thinking of whether or not this is for me. Well, needless to say, I'm still applying for it. Please pray that if it is for me, I'll do well :).

When I got home that night it was still on my mind. It still is now. Plus I had that interview to worry about too. (I already did it, and I hope I did well, I'm still nervous about it even though it's over). So I opened up to Ezra and the first thing I saw was, "Because the hand of the Lord my God was on me, I took courage and gathered leaders from Israel to go up with me."(Ezra 7:28b) My first thought was actually, 'wow, I didn't know there was anything good in this book!' Lol jk...that's pretty bad...but srsly =P I did think 'wow'. I didn't really think, after reading this book for the past four nights, that I would get anything that big out of it other than the history of the rebuilding of the temple. God never ceases to awe me. I know I should be used to it by now, but I still think it's crazy. When He led me to choose the book Ezra last week to get started, I thought it was just by chance! Thank you God!

I still went through the interview nervous as could be. But that verse has done a pretty good job of keeping my worries to a minimum...even though I can't lie, I haven't cut off worrying altogether. But just imagine how much worse it would be had He not showed me that verse! And then, on sunday, Pastor Matt preached about living out your destiny. He presented to everyone the question, Are you living your life to the fullest that God created you and planned you for? I know I'm at a crossroads right now. I'm not sure which way He's wanting me to go. But amidst all of this constant thought gathering and application filling, I've nearly forgotten about right now. My path isn't going to start when I make one of these decisions. My path started the moment I accepted Christ. And I know I've gone off the path before, I'm not even sure about how closely I'm following it now. But I've decided to make a change in what I'm doing. I've decided to try my hardest to put my knowledge of the word to work, here and now. I'm not going to wait for the summer to start growing in my walk, I'm going to continue growing now and for the rest of my life. And I know I'll still fall on my head every once in a while, but that's ok. I have a hard head, remember.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:34

Discouragement

2009-01-17T09:44:00.002-05:00

(written by Jennifir)

This is really going to be more a rant and a prayer request than anything. I am feeling discouraged. I have a spiritual gift that has stood out in my life for as long as I can remember. Encouragement. I love to encourage. I love to lift people up. And I am selfish for hoping for those I try to encourage to respond on occasion. I don't mean a thank you. It's almost as if they are afraid of me. Or because it is coming from me that it means nothing. It comes from deep in my heart. I reach out and am ignored. I have no way of knowing at times even if they got my message. It makes me want to give up. To stop reaching out. It makes me feel as if I am an annoying little fly instead of someone who is risking her heart and opening up to encourage someone. I admit, I love to be encouraged. I love it when it is confirmed to me that I am on the right path. I love it when I am down and someone sends me a text or a smile or an email to help me feel better. It is a small, yet, very big gift. It is subtle. I want to make people smile. I want to lift them up. I don't know why some don't respond. And I hate to admit, it kind of hurts at times. Bottom line, it feels like rejection. And rejection hurts. Rejection has been the story of my life for so long. So, I ask for prayer to help me follow God's lead on this. Am I being too encouraging? Is the enemy trying to thwart my encouragement? I know it is the enemy. The Lord would not discourage me from using one of my spiritual gifts. He wants me to use them. He confirms it to me through the story of the three talents in Matthew 25.

I guess at times I feel people look at me and go. What does she know, she's only been a Christian for ten months? I don't' want to hear what she has to say. Or Oh, she must like me that's why she's writing and that is not the case either. I just truly want to lift people up. Matthew 7:12 "Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets." (NLT) This is one motivation for me in what I do for others. I know the joy it gives me and I want to share that joy with others. I know what I don't like done to me so I try not to do that as well. Not to say that I don't hurt people, not to say I don't ignore doing what I like done to me and not do it at times, but it is a simple way to understand how to have compassion for others. Put myself in their shoes. I am feeling discouraged in this though. I am asking the Lord for confirmation that my obeying is doing something and this brings me to another point. I need to learn to not want responses or results because it is not about that. I ask for humbleness. It is not about the rewards for me. It is about glorifying Jesus. I am such a selfish person and I have realized this ever so strongly this week. This week, the devil is attacking me with feelings of inadequacy and discouragement. He is trying to get me to stop and this is my attempt at asking for prayers. For protection from this. I do not want to stop encouraging. It lifts people up who are hurt. My heart is drawn to those who are severely broken and hurt especially in the same ways I have been hurt. I want to use what has happened to me for good as God does. I don't want my aches and pains to go wasted and unused. Romans 8:28.

So, I am here ranting and getting off my chest and out of my system what the enemy is trying to do. He is throwing darts at me. Ephesians 6:10-18. I will not allow him to. I stand firm now in my faith and love in Jesus Christ and tell him in Jesus' name that I will not stop encouraging no matter the response or lack thereof. I refuse! The Lord put encouragement heavy on my heart and He is my Lord and He is the only One who has any authority over me! He is my strength. He is my rock. He is my savior. I turn to Psalm 18 this morning and allow the Lord to encourage me and lift me up with His promise of love and protection! Psalm 18:1 I love you, Lord; you are my strength. and Phil. 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Yes! I will continue to encourage no matter what!

I love you Jesus! You are amazing! I am so grateful for my Father's undying, unconditional love! He is all that I need! All!

Amen!

Fasting brings revelation!

2009-01-14T20:39:00.003-05:00

(written by Jennifir)

Song of Solomon 1:13

My lover is like a sachet of myrrh

lying between my breasts. (NLT)

I realize what it means after reading and rereading it. God is always with me in my heart which lies between my breasts. He is the Holy Spirit. He walks with me continuously. So I sit on the couch. It is quiet save for the sound of the heater in my room and the fan moving ever so slowly in the living room. I gaze around me and realize how all of the things around me are just stuff. It is really insignificant. I realize in the deepest part of my soul that all that matters is Jesus. My focus must be on Him. Toward the beginning of this fast, I prayed for my faith to be increased. I feel my faith is weak. I have a tendency to not believe. I believe for others, but I still believe I am undeserving all though God has given me grace. He has forgiven me. He sent his only begotten son to die for my sins. All this goes through my mind as I play last week in my head. God had me in Ruth. Over and over. I choose to follow Jesus and walk away from those things of the world. Now, there is more to that story for me God wants me to see. He wants me to see that I am deserving of His love by His grace. That He loves me. It does not matter what I have done in the past. Ruth is such a great example for me. She was a new Christian. She had been in a different religion. She had been married and was no longer a virgin. She even had dark skin. She had no money. Her clothes were not nice. She was a mess when Boaz met her, yet she found favor in his eyes. Just as I have found favor in Jesus eyes. Despite the fact I never grew up a Christian. That I am divorced. I am a single mother. I have no money. Even my clothes are not the greatest. I came from a different religion. God is telling me that I am worthy to find a Boaz. That there is a Boaz for me. A man who will look past all those things and I will find favor in his eyes. A man who will love me.

This week, God told me it was time to read Song of Solomon again. Really read it. I have fought Him on it in my cynicism. In my lack of faith that there is a Boaz for me. That He has him picked out for me. He is coming soon. God wants me to truly believe and trust Him in this. I finally gave in. I have focused mainly in Song of Solomon and am grateful. I am Jesus' bride. All I need is Him. He will love me unconditonally. I am beautiful in His eyes. He wants me to focus on Him! This week I have. I have read through Song of Solomon everyday. God wants me to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is deep between my breasts. Deep in my heart. He loves me like no one else ever will. I have asked Him to increase my faith. I have asked Him to bring my husband to me soon. I have asked Him to give me peace. I have asked Him to knock me over because my faith is weak in the area where my heart is concerned. I have asked Him to bless me. And one of His answers to me is Matthew 19:26!

I am so grateful for this time of fasting. For this time of no facebook so I can really sit quietly and get closer to God. To have my ears and eyes opened so I can hear what He is saying to me. It has been loud and clear. I finally obeyed and jumped into Song of Solomon although it depresses me to read about two lovers who truly love each other knowing that I am yet alone. In reading it this week, I know that I am not. Jesus is with me always. I am never alone! Never!

Thank you for your unconditional love! Thank you Thank you! I praise you with all that I have!

I love you Jesus! I love you my Father and I know that with you all things are possible! I trust you! You will take care of me. You will provide! You will bless me and you will send the man that is more spiritually mature than I would ever hope to be who will lead our family and teach me! I have asked for faith and you are blessing me with faith!

Thank you!

I'm Free!

2009-01-09T14:07:00.002-05:00

I feel like I have to write this down now. Its so amazing, but for the first time in a long time, I am happy. Like truly, giggly, my cup runneth over happy. I have been for two days. And I can't exactly put my finger on why.

I'm free. Truly free. Free from sin, death, and the grave, but that's only a drop in my happy bucket, I think. I have finally, with help from the Lord God Almighty, moved past my self doubts and my self-deprication. Past the emotional strife of former loves. Past all the lies that I'm ugly, and stupid, and a poor songwriter, and I'll never make it on my own, and I'm going to be alone forever because no one else could ever meet my expectations. Past hating myself. Past hating my hair, and hating my weight. Hating how my feet are huge, and my stupid bubble butt. I'm starting to find vulnerability easier. I'm still having trouble crying in front of anyone, but I'm making advances. I'm closer to the Lord than I've ever been, and though I know I have quite a ways to go, I know that I'll get there.

My heart is healing, and the scars barely show anymore. My one New Year's Resolution: New Year, New Me. No more looking back and beating myself up for the past. I am a new creature in Christ, and He makes me new everyday. And He loves me for me, even when I hate me. And I know that this is the calm before the storm, I know I can handle it. He has called me for some amazing ministry and some glorious purpose...my deepest desire right now is to be an on-call surgeon in the spiritual emergency room of our church. And I'm in med school. I'll get there soon. How do I know, you ask? Because He spoke this to my heart, and told me to tell Jen. Now, he's telling me to tell Asia, and the rest of the world! "Prepare your shields, both large and small, and march out for battle! Harness the horses, mount the steeds! Take your positions with helmets on! Polish your spears, put on your armor! But that day belongs to the Lord, the Lord Almighty--a day of vengeance, for vengeance on His foes." (Jeremiah 46:3-4,10)

That is such a command. Just as He told us in Ephesians to put on the armor of God and then stand, My Lord is telling us to stand together, back to back while the battle rages. Stand ready, weapons drawn, well aware of the cost and of the battle that's coming, but watch as He rains vengeance on our enemies. As we are in Christ, our enemies are His enemies, and this verse tells of the vengeance for His foes. Its glorious. I have a purpose!!! This warrior princess is preparing for battle. Who's with me?

I choose everlasting life

2009-01-07T20:46:00.002-05:00

(Written by: Jennifir Huston)

Ruth 2:10-12

Ruth fell at his feet and thanked him warmly.

"What have I done to deserve such kindness?"

she asked. "I am only a foreigner."

"Yes, I know," Boaz replied. "But I also know about

everything you have done for your mother-in-law since

the death of your husband. I have heard how you left your father

and mother and your own land to live here among complete

strangers.

May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge,

reward you fully for what you have done." (NLT)

I have been reading Ruth over and over. Really trying to dig into her story. An amazing story of sacrifice and love. It is a romantic story that started out with tragedy but ended with the damsel being seen for her inner beauty. She was captivating. Her heart was open. She was not afraid to follow God. I was struck by these verses especially tonight because there is a slight similarity in my life. In choosing to believe in Jesus Christ I too left a land and people who were familiar to me to go to a foreign land albeit spiritually.

My life was so different before I was saved. My religion, my beliefs, the things I chose to do. My morals. The night I was born again I chose to leave all those worldly things to cleave to Jesus, my savior, as Ruth clung to her mother-in-law. (Ruth 1:14) It must have been so hard for her to leave all she knew and loved. The land she knew. The family she knew. To leave the only life she had ever known to go to a new land where she only knew one person, Naomi.

I was so afraid the first few weeks after I was saved, because Jesus was the only person I knew and I was barely scraping the tip of getting to know him. I had never read the Bible. He was still so new to me. It was a lifestyle, a language, a new people. They looked different. Their faces softer. Their eyes kinder. Their words caring. Their arms open. All this scared me. Overwhelmed me. I was used to being closed off. Those around me hiding behind beer, drugs, or whatever else. My life was a life of partying when I did not have my daughter with me. It was a life of turning to New Age shenanigans for answers. So many of the people I knew were not happy. Their foreheads were creased with their unhappiness. I used to look like this. I don't anymore. I chose to cling to Jesus. To believe in Jesus. He smoothed out all the wrinkles. He has been pruning all the dead branches that will hinder new growth.

He is adding fertilizer to produce fruit. He talks to me and loves on me as a gardener does his vegetable patch or his favorite rose bush. He takes care of me. He gives me nothing but the best. And yes, there is that pest that tries to gnaw away at me. Satan. He sends those cucumber beetles, weevils, and Mexican bean beetles and whatever else he can use to try to devour me. But Jesus is a master gardener. He knows exactly what to use to send away those pesky pests and yes, they do manage to get a bite in here and there but that is all. I have the peace of Jesus in my heart. I wear God's armor. He keeps a continuous watch over me. He showers me with my tears so that I may heal and break through the soil and reach out for the Son. He guards my heart by planting large sunflowers full of bright light all around me. I am his garden. I am his precious creation. He cultivates me. He loves me. He provides me with the defenses to guard my heart. (Proverbs 4:23)

I give Him all control by choosing to trust Him in a all things in a new land of believers with people who are now my people. I do not sit on the outside. I am welcomed with open, loving arms. Thank you for allowing me to choose you. I love you Jesus! I am so grateful. As I read through Ruth, I realize that in some ways I am much like Ruth. I chose to cling to Jesus and pick up my cross and follow Him. (Matthew 16:24-28) He did not promise it would be an easy road or the work not difficult, excruciating even at times. He did promise that I would be rewarded with everlasting life. Yes! I choose everlasting life! I choose peace! I choose love that is real and unguarded! I choose Jesus Christ!

Florida Failings

2009-01-07T14:32:00.003-05:00

It feels like such a long time since I last posted anything here, and I'm sorry. I've been in Florida going through some craziness, as is expected with my family. I don't really have a premeditated topic to write on like I usually do, so just bear with me =D. Actually, the only reason I'm making myself write this is because I haven't written in so long and thus have been getting these 'lazy' thoughts that keep telling me to just quit this blog. And I know I can't do that...I know I need to get my mind off of the couch and start writing before it gets too serious. First off, I guess I'll just say how glad I am to be home...And how weird it is for me to be calling this place home. I feel like I haven't been here that long, but at the same time...I'm not so sure. I just really missed everyone, and not only the people, but the land itself, and the sky. It's just so beautiful up here.

Well, while I was down in Florida, I regret to say, I suddenly lost my time to spend in the Word. I read a little bit, but definitely not as much as I should've. I know I've definitely grown spiritually since the last time I've been there, and my growth was definitely evident [to myself atleast] throughout the whole period of being there as I faced similar circumstances and surprised myself by handling them differently then I would've used to. But after a while the trials started tearing away at me bit by bit, weakening me. I know that the strength I did have came from Christ alone, but it was when my mind took just the slightest inclination towards curiosity that I fell flat on my face.

I guess it sort of started when I got kicked out of my mom's house. My mind hadn't decided yet to take the wheel right then, but I guess if that never would've happened then nothing else would've happened. It was sort of like a chain reaction. So my mom kicked me out, and my sister took me in. [Btw, my mom didn't kick me out because of bad behavior or anything, she was mad at me for wanting to go up to panama city for three days with my sister, and so she told me if I was leaving for three days, then I was leaving for the whole trip starting right then]. So I took a taxi to my sister's work and the next day we left for grandma's for Christmas. After Christmas we left to Panama City, where my sister lives. I was only planning on being there for around three days, but my sister then informed me that she had gotten her job back and had to work another four days.

Let me introduce you to my sister before I go any farther. My sister has always been the partier of the family. She stays up late and sleeps during the day. I've been praying for her for quite a while now that she'll stop drinking and partying and find Christ. And every once in a while she'll call me up with news that she's decided to stop partying altogether, or something like that, and get her life straight. But then she usually just goes right back to the partying. I understand though, and I don't think she'll ever really be able to get serious until she seperates herself from her friends and that area...but it's much easier said then done.

Anyways, there's just something about my sister that always makes me want to forget about life and party instead. The last time I was in Florida I went out and hit the bars with her. Not without my guilty conscience kicking in, mind you. That was actually right before I started getting serious about my faith. While I was with my sister this time, I was struggling to keep my thoughts away from partying. But I guess I allowed them to slowly creep in and put in their two cents. But whenever my thoughts did wander, God immediately would give me a mental image of..and I know this is kind of weird, it surprised me too..people living in poverty. Which then would bring my mind back to my spirit and remind me that my future goal is to be in missions...so I guess God knew what He was doing...=P

Still, the curiosity crept up, and I ended up going to a strip club with my sister. Embarrassing is the only thing I can think of right now as I write this. But I decided before I wrote any of this that I wasn't going to candy coat anything, this included, so if I'm judged by any one I'm sorry, I'm only human, and I know that God knows my heart. Well, about half-way through being at the club...we had to stay there until five in the morning...I got mad at myself for allowing myself to get here. I honestly felt like the worst kind of person...a hypocrite...I was doing something wrong even while I knew it was wrong...and so then I made the dumbest decision I could've made at that moment...I decided that I didn't want to deal with it and I needed a drink...so I snuck some drinks with the help of my sister's friend. I didn't get drunk. I ended up stopping and playing bar games the rest of the night.

I still feel horrible for what I did. And after that night I felt so oddly repulsed by the thought of partying that I ended up staying at my sister's in-laws house for the next 3 days while my sister was out. I even spent new years alone at a movie theatre. But I was happier alone then partying. I think I actually felt repentance...no, I guess repentance isn't a feeling...But I've never felt such a strong desire to not do something before...maybe I'm just a weirdo, but who cares. But even though I still feel bad about what I did, I feel a sort of victory...I guess that I lasted that long before I actually gave in...even though I ended up giving in anyways. And I'm really happy that God gave me this repulsion for partying...atleast partying in the sense of getting drunk, etc, etc. You can still invite me to a nice party if you want =). lol.

Ok, I guess that's all...sorry it's so long. I missed everyone a butt load btw. And I can't wait to see you Jennifir and Tabitha!!

New Beginings

2009-01-04T20:00:00.003-05:00

(written by Jennifir Huston)

Job 22:27-28

You will pray to him and he will hear you,

and you will fulfill your vows to him.

You will succeed in whatever you choose to do,

and light will shine on the road ahead of you. (NLT)

I will pray to him. He will hear me. This is a promise I hold dear. I trust him. He amazes me daily from the little things he does for me to the big things he does for me. I am hopeful as this new year begins that through Him, I will succeed in what He has asked me to do. I choose to serve Him joyously! I look ahead and I see that light shining brightly, moving from behind the clouds to smile lovingly at me. I heard God's voice the other day, it was a quiet voice, but I heard it. I was content. I was talking to him about my singleness. How I am willing to wait upon Him until He has chosen for the right time for me to meet the man He has chosen for me. As I drove down the road and these thoughts were going calmly through my mind, no desperation or despair for once, I hear a voice say. You must cut your hair. You must finish becoming the person I have made you to be. Let go of that person you once were. You carry so much pain, anguish and memories in those split ends. It is time. Cut your hair, do it joyously, and wait and see, I will reward you.

I immediately texted one of closest friends, Samantha, and she was able to see me that day. She only reiterated what God was telling me. "Stop hiding behind your hair!" She was right. I was hiding behind my hair. I was shrinking myself down and covering up that inner beauty the Lord had given me. I was anxious for only a few minutes. I realized I would be in good hands. Samantha would do what would look best on me and I must say she did.

I know that cutting of the hair sounds so superficial, but really it goes so much deeper than that. How can I soar like an eagle if I am weighted down by my hair? By all my past and anxieties. Pastor Matt spoke of putting all our worries and anxieties into a shoebox but I realize now as I type this, How can I put them in a shoebox if I have not cut them loose from me? I did that on Saturday and you know, it was not as hard as I thought it would be. I feel light and the rope has been removed from my leg so I can soar like an eagle! Oh how I want to soar. A verse that has been speaking to me lately is Isaiah 40:31 But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Tonight as I remember vaguely walking away from all that hair on the floor, not really even looking down at it, I realize I am now able to truly seal that shoebox and hand it over to Jesus! I choose to trust in the Lord! Yes, and as my load has been lightened, I regain strength. I fly high in my joy and love of Jesus!

Jesus has done a most amazing thing in freeing me of myself by telling me to do what some would say seems like such a small act. But for me, all of who I think I am is carried in my hair. I cloaked myself with it. Now with the load lifted I feel a bounce in my walk and my heart glowing. I go into this new year excited and hopeful! I cannot wait to see where the Lord takes me. I did not make a new years resolution. I did choose to follow the Lord and have asked Jesus to come into my heart and continue to heal me. To continue to teach me. To help me be obedient. To lift me up. To guide me!. There is so much I can do in His name but only through Him. There is so much I cannot do on my own, but with Jesus there is no telling! Just maybe I'll have that first book written this year! Now, that would be a dream come true and Jesus can make that happen as long as I stay diligent in Him. As long as I trust in Him!

I begin this new year with a most encouraging verse:

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. (KJV)

Righteous Anger

2009-01-02T22:58:00.003-05:00

I have to ask myself something right now. What is righteous anger? And is this fury in my heart righteous? I am angry on two separate accounts. 1). The witholding of a child from her mother, and 2). The slow murder of my grandmother due to one of her sons giving her too much medication to shut her up, while my grandfather seems to not care. Every fiber of my being says that these are righteous reasons to be angry, but I need to reason this out the Lord's way.

Genesis 4:6-7 says: "Then the Lord said to Cain, 'Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.' " Although my situation isn't really the same as Cain's, I really feel the Lord telling me that I need to be careful with my anger. To not hate the members involved and to not sin in my rage.

Psalm 4:4 only backs up the message from Genesis. "In your anger, do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent." That is fairly direct.

Matthew 5:21-22 says, (and it is Jesus' own words) "You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgement.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgement. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca' [an Aramaic term for contempt], is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell." This is tough to swallow. I ain't gonna lie, I'm having a hard time with this verse. The Lord is basically telling me that although I am angry, and I have seemingly good reason to be so, that I need to hold my tongue and try to forgive the ones causing the anger and pain in those I love. But it won't be easy; I just have to trust Him.

Another passage concerning anger is in Matthew 18:21-35. This backs up the passage above, so I won't list it. I have to forgive, no matter how hard it is.

Ephesians 4:25-27 says, "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 'In your anger, do not sin'; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." This tells me that I should confront the ones who are making me angry if it will help me to forgive them, but that I shouldn't do it if it will cause me to sin and let the Devil take control. I must pray before I open my big mouth to my offenders.

I know that this blog has been a little dry, but it was my own way of working through my anger issues. I hope that this helps someone else too...

America's Sweethearts

2008-12-29T15:28:00.002-05:00

As most of you already know, I am an avid Fall Out Boy fan, and they have a new CD out. I was listening to it while putting together the stuff for Beef Stew in our crock pot today, and one of the songs struck a chord in me and got me thinking.

The name of the song is "America's Suitehearts" and is basically about all of the corruption in America right now. And as much as I love my country, they are right. I mean, a lot of the problems we are having right now are boiled right down to a few lines in the chorus of that song: "Let's hear it for America's Sweethearts. I must confess that I'm in love with my own sins." At the same time that I realized that this is very true, the Lord spoke a verse of scripture to my heart in reply: "When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

As a country, IN COMPLETE UNITY, we need to reject our idols and come to God in complete submission before He will do anything to help us. I remember how united we were just after the 9/11 attacks. Now, we have dissembled into cliques and factions, each seeking to please ourselves. And to be honest, I am no different. I want a job; I want a house; I want to meet my future husband, and I have given no thought to what the Lord may have planned for me otherwise. And I am not saying that His plan for me doesn't include these things, because He promised to give me the desires of my heart. But there was a condition there. Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I fell complacent and allowed myself to delight in myself or in material things or in something other than Him. I have to come back to Him and delight in Him again, and then the revival will begin. It starts with me. Then slowly, it will flow through and reach out to the rest of the country, when the Lord will once again look at America with pleasure and will give our nation the desires of its heart.

He wants to Give me the Desires of my Heart...

2008-12-28T18:29:00.004-05:00

(Written by Jennifir Huston)

I am so very lonely. I am so very weary. It is so hard to keep trudging along. Sometimes I feel I can't go on anymore. I want to give up. I feel as if I have been in continuous war mode. It is a constant battle trying to wrench free from my seemingly super human hands all my troubles, worries, sins, everything and hand them over to Jesus. He does not want me wasting my time or time that could be used to serve Him worrying. Being sad. Lonely. Allowing the enemy to tell me I am unworthy in every way. He tells us not to worry. Matthew 6:34 So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today. (NLT). Worrying is a waste of time. It does no good. As He says in Matthew 6:27 Can all of your worries add a single moment to your life?"

I struggle to not believe that I am not worthy. That I am not allowed to be happy. I know they are not true. In my sad twisted way, it almost seems easier to give in. I am one of the walking wounded, we all are in one way or another, trying to fix myself. I am in no condition to fix myself. Why do I keep trying? I so desire to give over all this to Jesus. Why is it so hard? Why?

I stand firm now as my Father instructs in Ephesians. I am His daughter. Fathers love to fight for their daughters. I choose to give this joy to my Father. I choose to believe what He tells me.
Song of Solomon 1:15 How beautiful you are, my darling, how beautiful! Your eyes are like doves. I cry out to Him! I want Him to know just how beautiful He is in my eyes! Golden eyes He gave me as jewels! He is telling me I am beautiful. I am worthy. He is stomping out the lies slowly but surely the enemy has grounded into my head over the years. I need only seek His validation. I need strive only to please Him. I hand over all my troubles, all the things I beat myself up for.

I see myself laying at Jesus' feet as the worship band plays this morning. My head is lowered in shame. I cling to Him. The only fact I am sure of is I love Him. I love Jesus! Through all the muck. The loneliness, all of it there is always that light. John 8:12 Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, "I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won't have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life." (NLT) I want that light! I hold tight to that promise! The knowledge that Jesus is always there. He is always with me and He loves me. He accepts me completely. He does not condemn me. (Romans 8:1) He takes my hands and raises me up. I am limp with the weakness of my sins, of all the lies that have been laid on my shoulders. I allow Him to lift me up. He brushes all the gunk off my shoulders. All the lint. I stand in front of Him afraid to cling but wanting to. I can feel His loving smile on the top of my head. It is a warm, loving gaze that beams at me. He takes my hands and begins to dance with me. He tells me it is OK to dance. I have given you the love of dance. I see how you worship me with your dance. We dance, we run as the worship band plays. he knows all my desires. My desire and love to run free outside. To twirl in the pine forest, twirl in the snow. To hike in the rain. He has seen me do the things I would allow no one else to see for fear of becoming vulnerable. We run hand in hand in a field...a rolling mountain top. It is so romantic. The very date I always dream of. This is one of the many ways I worship Him. One of the many ways I show Jesus how much He means to me.

I came to Him broken, a rag doll with blind eyes. He lifted me up. He not only gave me permission to enjoy my heart's desires, but He joined me in those desires. He delights in my delight of the gifts he has given me. He has come deep into my heart. I will never let Him go. I so love Him from the deepest part of my heart. My soul. My eyes beam with the freedom of being let out of the prison I placed myself in. I am again reminded of Malachi 4:2. I am a calf out to pasture...I am freed by my Father's grace.

I am so grateful for the love of writing, the love of dancing, the love of encouragement He has bestowed upon me. I use these spiritual gifts to wholeheartedly glorify Him. And as I delight in Him, he will give me my heart's desires and He has! What an honor to dance to the music played by my church family in one of my favorite places with the love of my life! Jesus Christ!
Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires. He is doing this for me and as I type this I realize He does not want to give me all my desires at once or else I may not appreciate them!

The Unveiling of Beauty

2008-12-25T16:55:00.003-05:00

(written by: Jennifir Huston)

I'm no ordinary beauty. I have to seek my beauty as He transforms me into a new creation now that I have chosen to believe. I am not who I once was. I have to seek my beauty as I seek God's beauty in nature. It is the one place I can feel extra close to Him. The more I walk, the deeper I go despite the prickly walks, muddy roads, and creeks to get across. I have one favorite place I like to hike, but have to cross over a river on large rocks to keep going. I love this. It exhilarates me! It gets my heart pumping and places a smile on my face. The deeper I travel, the more of God's beauty is unveiled to me. Just as I dig deeper into my own heart, more of my beauty is revealed to me. My beauty is not a beauty that is always seen right away. I must seek my heart to find it. And in the center of my heart stands Jesus, the most beautiful of all!

Song of Solomon 2:1-2

I am the rose of Sharon,

and the lily of they valleys.

As the lily among thorns,

so is my love among the daughters. (KJV)

My beauty is found deep in the woods. My beauty is like the lady slipper, Indian pipe, bloodroot, oconee bell, shooting star, or trillium. I could keep on going because I love seeking out God's wildflowers in the woods. My beauty is the beauty of a wildflower. It wants to be seen, but sometimes I have to look under the leaf such as the mayapple or trillium to see it, but oh, if I take the time it is spectacular. Only I can unveil my beauty by looking into my own heart. By discovering the beauty Jesus has placed there.

I realize all this as I drive home from celebrating Jesus' birth with two of my dearest friends. I feel beautiful today. I watched an amazing movie of women discovering their beauty, their hearts. The Women struck something deep within me. It stirred an understanding that had scorched to the bottom of the pan. I realized that despite my messiness. Despite my less than perfect status in the eyes of the world that I am beautiful and God made me just as He wanted me to be. He made me who I am. He made made heart just as it is. I had to wade through all the muck to see it. He had to show me through a less than perfect movie. There is sin all in this movie. Unbiblical things I had to look past and not judge to see its heart. Just as I need to look past my own sin and stop judging myself so I can truly see my heart.

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted

and bandages their wounds. (NLT)

I am discovering as I go along the path of healing with the ultimate surgeon, Jesus Christ, that I have an amazingly beautiful heart just waiting to be revealed and glorify Jesus Christ. It is a heart full of love. Full of passion. Full of adventure. This is the gift Jesus has given me on this most glorious, miraculous day of His birth! John 3:16 I thank God from the very deepest part of my heart for His undying, unfailing, and unconditional love for me! He amazes me. I am truly enamored by Jesus! Truly!

From Pain Springs Praise to the King of Glory (A Song)

2008-12-22T22:38:00.002-05:00

(written by: Tabitha Scott)

The lover before me
Pleads for my sanity
Ignores my dignity
Plays off my vanity
And feeds on my love
He is a parasite
Get him out of my sight
And push him to the right
Pull me out of my plight
And show me Your love

Lord, I don’t understand this
But my heart’s in Your hands
I cling to Your whisper
“Don’t stray for this man
Look only at Me, child,
You know I’ve a plan
Trust Me and remember
Your heart’s in good hands.”

In you there is elegance
And a freedom to dance
Your eternal romance
Is a life full of substance
That allows me to dream
Of a life of adventure
You’re my thirst quencher
For a servant endentured
By a decisive venture
Oh Lord, break me free

Lord, I don’t understand this
But my heart’s in Your hands
I cling to Your whisper
“Don’t stray for this man
Look only at Me, child,
You know I’ve a plan
Trust Me and remember
Your heart’s in good hands.”

I’ve found an escape
From this circle so vicious
Break my chains, set me free
Don’t be surreptitious
I want the world to know You
And the power You bring (rpt)

Lord, I don’t understand this
But my heart’s in Your hands
I cling to Your whisper
“Don’t stray for this man
Look only at Me, child,
You know I’ve a plan
Trust Me and remember
Your heart’s in good hands.”

Don't wait for the Perfect Time in your eyes....

2008-12-22T18:45:00.002-05:00

Ecclesiastes 11:4

Farmers who wait for perfect weather never plant.

If they watch every cloud,

they never harvest. (NLT)

I sit on my bedroom floor reading and rereading Ecclesiastes 11. For the past few days, I have kept hearing Ecclesiastes in my mind. Finally, on Sunday, as Rose and I were walking out the door the voice became so loud I had to lay everything down. A little frustrated I might add. Can this not wait? I asked. No. Open your Bible, was the answer. I did as I was told. One thing I am learning in my Christian walk things go much smoother if I just obey. I did. My eight year old daughter stood next to me watching the entire exchange between God and me. She gazed up at me and asked. "What is it mommy?"
"I have to read Ecclesiastes." I told her matter of fact as I picked up my Bible. I opened it right to Chapter 11. I could almost feel my eyes popping out of my head as I read the title of the chapter in my new living translation Bible. This had been such a rough week for me. I had been so out of whack. Feeling extra ugly. Extra fat. Extra unwanted. I had also made myself vulnerable by revealing something deep in my heart to someone and the response was disappointing. I had been hoping for excitement. I was regretting having ever opened my mouth. I was regretting not waiting for the right moment.

Ever since Ecclesiastes had been ringing in my ears. The harder I was on myself, the louder it became. I felt rejected at a deep level. Of who I have felt God has made me to be. This is a project I feel close to my heart. One that I felt would make great use of our spiritual gifts to help so many. And I felt shot down. I don't know why and as I have a tendency to do, I begin to think it was about me but in reality I probably have nothing to do with it.

As I stood in my living room in front of my couch, my daughter standing next to me, pulling her Bible out so she could read along with me, I marvel at how with God everything is possible. He is in control of everything. He has comforted me for a week now with the following verse as I pray to increase my faith.

Matthew 19:26

Jesus looked at them intently and said,

"Humanly speaking it is impossible.

But with God everything is possible.

I marvel at how He chooses to comfort me.

Showing a vulnerability, a piece of myself by asking him to be a part of a vision I have been given, causes many uncertainties within my heart. I had mulled over it for a few days before asking him. Sunday, as I had not heard hide nor hair from him since, I was regretting ever bringing it up because if anything I really had thought I had made a new friend, someone just as in love with Jesus as I am. I can't get enough friends like that! Just ask Tabitha and Asia! As I read verse four, I realized that there was no humanly perfect time to ask. God was telling me that if I didn't go into the rain and allow my hair to get wet, the real opportunity may be lost. If I don't plant those seeds because I'm worried there will be no rain then I am wasting my time. God's time. He was telling me, you did your part. You stepped out on faith. Now it is up to me to the rest. Trust me. He says. Don't try to figure me out or why I do things the way I do them. I did not put this on your heart for it remain stagnant or for you to get hurt. It is up to your friend to feel the same calling. You can't always know until you take a chance that it may or may not rain, but if you don't plant then you are sure to have nothing no matter what.

I took great comfort in this. God was confirming to me that I had done the right thing by bringing it up no matter how scary it was. I had stepped out on faith. I am realizing that God's reasoning's are not the same as mine. He knows the bigger picture. He created it.

Ecclesiastes 11:5

Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind

or the mystery of a tiny baby in its mother's womb,

so you cannot understand the activity of God

who does all things.

I am so grateful that I don't understand all God's activities. I am comforted knowing that He does have my best interest at heart. This week of uncertainties has been a week of the Lord working. The Lord confirming that whether there is a harvest or not I have done my part. I have listened and obeyed. It is out of my hands and in God's hands.

Thank God!!!