I wrote this one originally June 19
I have felt abandoned adn discarded and rejected by so many lately and in the past. But it does not matter. it is you, Lord, your love, Father, that I search for. If everyone abandons me for one reason or another, I know you will never leave me or discard me. You promise in psalm 9 and Romans 8:38-39 and many places in your word that you will always be there. One thing I know is I have not felt abandoned by you. I have sought you and grown closer to you.
It has been a tough road for me the past few weeks, eye opening in many ways. I have been forced to really look into the mirror. When I thought I was doing right, I was actually doing wrong although my heart was trying to be in the right place. Sometimes my vision gets cloudy. Because of this, so many have walked away from me, leaving me standing alone with the shattered remnants of what was hanging from my hands and tears of loneliness, regret, and remorse pouring from my eyes.
For a while, I could not move. I just stood there, locked in my own depression, feelng sorry for myself and hurting for those I hurt. I felt lost. I had been moving so much the sudden slam against the wall of angry, unforgiving hearts and silence knocked me senseless. I shed tears of mourning for what I thought was. Then as I dug in your word, my Father, I began to cry tears of freedom and realization that what I thought was, never really was.
I had been living in a dream world. It was time for us to go our separate ways. Our paths had forked into new and different directions. I had seen it coming, but had held on so tight. My life has been a lonely one for some time. It was time for me to walk alone, slow down, and be fed. To take teh time to lean on you, God. To hear your voice. To move to the next step in your plan for my life of which I am not sure of, but I step in faith. I trust you. (Jeremiah 29:11) I know you have an awesome path laid our for me. You guide my every step. You, my Father, lead me. (Psalme 5:8, Psalm 37:23-24, Proverbs 3:5-6) You never let go of me, even when I try to let go of you. I trust in you. I am choosig to give you all that I am, heart, soul, mind, body...all of me!
This is a time I must walk alone on this earty, yet i am never alone. You are there, my Father, every step of the way. I must learn to lean fully on you. I must realize that there are times that there will be no one but you to turn to. This is one of those times. My path is in the desert at this point in my life. As a very social person, I admit, the first few days, couple of weeks, were the most difficult. I cried so much and felt so lost and unwanted that I did not know what to do with myself except cry and open my Bible. Slowly, but surely you have and continue to heal my wounded, lonely heart.
You brought me to a point where I stopped seeking a husband this past winter and this past spring you brought me to a point where I was forced to stop leaning so heavily on other people and to lean only on you. When the time is right and you feel i am ready I know you will restore new and old friendships, but with a much more spiritually, healthy Jennifir. A Jennifir that has grown with you, my Father in heaven. This is a painful, yet necessary part of my growth. It is part of the molding process of who you have and are creating me to be in you, my Lord.
I thank you and rejoice in all parts of my growth, easy and not so easy. I know the fruit that will be produced from the growing pains of this one little tree will be an amazing testimony for you, Jesus! A beautiful testimony of what you have done, and are doing, and will do in my meager life. You use my weaknesses to do so many things.
I love my God so much! I could shout it from the mountain tops here in Haywood County! i humble myself to my God and give all I am to Him! I want my God to use me as He will to draw all the children He loves so dearly and show them that it does not matter what they have done or where they have been. God wants us just as we are. He cleans us up...we just have to let Him in and trust Him!
(Romans 12:1-2) I choose to be a living sacrifice for my God! I know what Jesus saved me from, I had a memorial to remind me on a daily basis tattooed o my ankle so that I may never forget! I am not going back to the person I once was! God is in me now, it is his strength that propels me forward.
I grow stronger with each passing day!
My God is an amazing God and He can and will do anything if only we will believe!!
The ramblings and revelations of one sister in Christ Jesus, my Lord and savior!
Jennifir:)
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