Can't Sleep

This is actually a blog i posted on facebook June 1. I haven't been able to get onto my FFJ account until today.

John 3:14

"And as Moses lifted up the bronze snake on a pole in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up,"

I wake up at three am. I can't sleep. I am restless. My heart aches a little because I have unintentionally hurt people I care about. I didn't mean to really. I made a very human mistake and listened to people and my own voice and not to God's. I have been bitten by the sin of loose tongues...my own for one. I have asked them and God for forgiveness. I ask again those friends of mine to forgive me. I ask to forgive myself and I do. God forgives me. I looked up to Jesus on the cross. It is because He has been risen up in the wilderness to die for my sins, all of them, that I am forgiven. I am so grateful for this. My brain tries hard to wrap around this concept. Thank you Jesus for coming here for my sins. Who am I? No one, but I am everything united with you! (Ephesians 2:4-6) Thank you for covering me with your blood, having God see me through your eyes.

This walk is a learning process. It is not easy. It feels treacherous at times, but that is only because I stumble and make it so from my own human error and for lack of a better term, stupidity. It is hard sometimes to see whose intentions are good and whose are not. I shouldn't be seeking that out anyway, I should be seeking out God's intentions. Opening my spiritual ears and eyes and hearing what God has to say not what anyone else has to say or even what I have to say. I've been listening to fireflight a lot lately and there is a song that comes to mind called Recovery Begins. I need to stop and listen...stop talking. I truly love my friends. They mean so much to me. I ask God send you amazing blessings and peace in your hearts. I want my friends happy and to grow closer to Jesus with every breath they take.

My life has not been easy. In some areas lately it has been kind of rough. I'm learning how to have a relationship with my daughter. It has been a difficult revelation to realize my weakness where she is concerned. She is my heart. My baby and I don't always know how to relate to her. It is hard for me to admit because we have always been so close.

God is doing a lot of sifting and refining in my life right now. It leaves me a little muddled at times and unclear. He is really working on some of the nastier parts of my heart. A spring cleaning of sorts. He is showing me things I have had tucked away in nooks and crannies of my heart I did not know existed. He is healing me from the inside out and it is not always pretty. Watching even the smallest things that come from my mouth is one of those things coming out. There are things I have thought harmless that I have said have not been so harmless. I am sorry to anyone I may have hurt in such a way. I have asked God to help and guide me with this. I love you all so much.

I take this lesson with a heavy heart and it seems with less friends. It hurts but it says in Proverbs 18:19 and Proverbs 18:21 this would happen. The sifting in this lesson has settled and I see the consequences. I see what I must do. Be careful of every word that comes from my mouth. Focus on Jesus! Focus on His plans for me. I trust Him with all my heart. He knows I stumble. (Psalm 37:23-24). He forgives me. it is only my heart I can change and as I gaze up at Jesus my heart will change and be healed and grow closer to Him!

Psalm 147:2 He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.