Just....

Well, it has been a good while since I have posted. So much has gone on since. Well, so much in my heart and yes, I guess otherwise. I have not had Internet until this week and even this Internet connection is not so great. The week before Christmas our power went out as did so many others during that huge snow we had here in western north Carolina. It was hard living. I was so cold. Rose, mamaw and I had to melt snow on the fireplace just to flush the toilet. But that is neither here nor there. I pray we don't have to go through that again for a while. During that time, I also had no form of communication except to where I could walk. My cell phone tower lost power, Mamaws phone was out. No Internet. Nothing. We mostly sat by the fire when we weren't pouring melted snow in the back of the toilet or gathering snow to melt and read. I'm sure we were a sight. Especially the day the truck stop finally got power and the three of us, an old woman, young woman and little girl decided to walk to the truck stop to eat something besides gingerbread houses and canned tuna. I went through some major withdrawals the first two and a half days. It wasn't until the last full day that I was beginning to appreciate the isolation from society. The time to sit back and be still. To wait patiently on God. To spend time in God's word. To spend time with God. To spend time with my daughter. I have a tendency to move, move, move. I'm always doing something. Going somewhere. Talking to someone. It seems my mind never stops. And I don't know how to stop. I asked God to help me with that. What a great opportunity to tie me down and force me to stop...full force. As I was reading in Psalms, that's what I do when I'm not sure where to read in the bible or I am feeling down so I am always in the word, I kept thinking of Psalm 37:24. But as I read the whole Psalm I came across Psalm 37:7 Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.

It is the first part of that verse that really struck me. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Even as I ask him to act in my life, even as I talk to him, I am in constant motion. During that weekend, I was forced to sit still and listen. I heard a lot. I went through a gamut of emotions. It was like a weekend counseling session for God and me. I would cry out to him in anger and ask him why. Why am I in this position in my life? How long is this season going to last? I'm mad at you God, OK! I admit it to myself as well as you. He understood and loved on me anyway. He told me I would understand in time. You are going through a desert, a cutting, pruning process. I asked him, how long does this process have to last? Its been going on for nearly two years? The answer is, it never truly stops. So, my new question is: Does it have to be so intense and hard the whole time? No, it doesn't.

I realized Wednesday night as I felt the burdens of life being removed by Jesus from my shoulders once again that this particular pruning process I am going through is in a sifting process. It is so hard because all the junk has come to the surface. I am forced to see all the nastiness that has been in my heart for so many years. This realization of the refining process of my growth made me feel lighter. Happier. OK. Its hard to look at ones own crap. To see just how sinful I really am. I didn't like what I saw. I even found myself over the past few weeks trying to revert. Funny thing is, God won't let me. I have even found myself purposely trying to turn away from God. My mind thinking, life will be easier. But is it really? And God said NO! You are not turning away. I won't let you. Not even you can separate yourself from my love! Romans 8:38-39 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Thank you Jesus for that amazing promise! Even as my sinful, human nature tries to break away you won't let me. I stumble, and have done a lot of stumbling lately, you never let go of my hand. Never! You never stop loving me. Psalm 37:24. And one of the most awesome things I have learned the past few weeks, my latest revelation, is that no matter how hard I try, if you don't want me turning away, you won't let me. You have something planned for me. I'm not sure what...but you do. It must be big. I've had the hugest urge in my heart to write, but I'm not sure what it is God wants me to write, but once all the muck is skimmed off the surface, the water will be clear and I will be able to see.

Oh, I am excited. Nervous. Scared. It is so hard for me to trust. To give everything even to Jesus. I so desire to trust in Him in a way I never have and Wednesday night, we reached a new level in our relationship.

This is just a little rambling. A little of what I see when one net full of sediment has been removed from my heart. There's many netfulls left. My cup was running so full Wednesday night the excess overflowed as tears poured from the corners of my eyes. I learned that night what tears of joy really are. To cry because I love so much. Love God so much. It was a beautiful revelation and the icing on the cake.


Psalm 126:4-6 Restore our fortunes, Lord, as streams renew the desert. Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest.

I realize now that I have been going through a cutting process, a pruning process. I am now in the refining process which can be just as painful, but it means better days are coming!

Jesus is amazing!

Your sister in Christ,
Jennifir:)

Jesus loves you!