Weakness

Do you ever just feel weak? Feel as if nothing is ever going right for you? Ever feel like everyone else around you gets happiness but it is your lot in life to be the ultimate sacrificer by living a single life although your heart does not desire it? Do you ever feel like you'll never have anything? Do you ever just stop feeling?

I do. I have felt this way a lot lately. I have not only felt lonely, but in limbo. What do I really have that is mine? I have a bed, few dressers, clothes, and such. But not much else. I feel like my life is chaotic. I have had a hard go of it the past month and I apologize for not writing lately. My heart just hasn't been in it. I haven't known what part of what is going on in my life I should share. I'm at a point of not knowing where my life is heading. What God's plan is for me. I feel so up in the air most of the time. Just when I thought I had given up all I could, I not only lose one but both my cats. I know it sounds silly but it was a hard blow for me. I want to cry even now. As I drove home from the grocery store tonight with a bag of cat litter for Mamaws kitties, I couldn't help but get teary eyed as I realized this litter was not for my two kitties. I miss them so much. Lovey passed away on a Monday. The Tuesday after, my purse and bible are stolen from my car. I just totally broke down. I got angry. Tired. I can't seem to grasp anything. Life. I just want to rest.

I have had the strongest urge to just give up lately. To put all things I have my hands in and just close up. Work, go to church and live. But I can't. I have this strong desire to serve God. No matter what, I am addicted to serving God. I love that revelation. It is tiring, but He always provides the means. He is always at my side. I know in my heart, even as the tears try to come again, that losing my cats is not what God desired, but He will use it. (Romans 8:28) He will use it in the fact that whatever next step He has for me, they may not be able to go. I know I am also in a humbling process. How can I not be?

I'm having to depend on others. Although, I pay rent, I don't feel like my home is my home. I just feel lost. But at the same time, I know God is preparing me for the place He has for me. Its a lonely street I walk on right now. I feel like I can't go on sometimes. Like I just want to cry. I just want to be happy. I feel as if I am having to make a choice. Live a life of only God and having nothing in life or vice versa. Call me selfish but I want Jesus and to have things in life! John 10:10 God did promise us life abundantly! I'm holding Him to that promise now.

Its just so hard and I'm so stubborn. I'm trying to be a good servant, but I have been weak. God knew I would have a few weak moments and before I was He sent me to 2 Corinthians 12, but especially verse 9 . Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

I really digest this verse and have been for the past few weeks as I realize just how weak I really am. I rejoice in my weaknesses and the fact that I listen, even as I am weak, as God shows them to me to realize and remember that I am human. And it is with that humanness, that weakness, Christ can and will work through me. I am shown that I am nothing without Jesus. And that He can use my weakness. He can perform a miracle in me by giving me the strength I need to do as He asks. And He places a strong desire in my heart to please Him. I want God, my daddy in heaven, to smile down on me!

I know He won't abandon me or leave my side. God is so amazing! My heart bubbles even as I type with my love for Him!

I know this was a ramble, but it is some of what is going through the head of this one, weak, little person who is a Christian child who is in love with Jesus!

Your sister in Christ,
Jennifir