Tug of War

Romans 7:21-25

I have discovered this principle of life-

that when I want to do what is right,

I inevitably do what is wrong.

I love God's law with all my heart.

But there is another power within me

that is at war with my mind.

This power makes me a slave to the sin

that is still within me.

Oh, what a miserable person I am!

Who will free me from this life

that is dominated by sin and death?

Thank God!

The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.

So you see how it is:

In my mind I really want to obey God's law,

but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

As I drove to Spartanburg to meet my sister's husband to pick Rosie up my mind was going a mile a minute. I was listening to Casting Crowns and Group 1 Crew. I started thinking about the struggling I have been going through lately. It seems I am always struggling. I am tired from all the struggling. I realized that there is a war going on inside me. Around me. It is between the Holy Spirit and my sinful nature. Lately, my sinful nature has been fighting harder. Hitting me harder. Knocking me down more and more. I couldn't help but picture myself the rope in a game of tug of war between the Holy Spirit and my sinful nature. Both tugging at one end of me. It seems as the Holy Spirit pulls harder, I am wrenched from sinful natures hold but fall hard to the ground with scratches and bruises. So even as the Holy Spirit wins, I find myself stumbling and doing things I don't want to do. I am so grateful that Jesus does not ever let go. Psalm 37:24. He never leaves my side! But I feel so weak lately. I find myself making choices that are harmful to me. That feel like backsliding.

I find myself becoming discouraged. All I want to do is serve, but it seems obstacles get thrown at me. Why should it be so hard to do as God has asked me to? It is wearying. I have been under some depression lately as the holidays have been upon me. I have found myself crying out to God...Why? Is it your plan for me to spend my days alone without an earthly husband and if so, take this desire from me. I know I should be content. Everyone tells me in God's timing. Good, in God's timing. Then why won't He take this desire from my heart. I don't want it to matter whether there is someone in my life or not! It is distracting. I don't like it. It is not something I want to dwell on! But it creeps in so much! To the point where I get angry at God, throw my hands up in the air, and say forget it. Why am I even trying.

I have found myself at the end of my rope. Frazzled. Ready to quit. I know this doesn't sound very Christian, but this is a point in my life, a Christian woman. A part of the struggle of this walk. I realize that. I know it will pass. I know even in my anger God is always with me. I know that He has placed it on my heart to share my walk in all aspects. He wants to use me to show others that these feelings are part of being human. That we are not perfect. That we DO make mistakes. That even though He doesn't want us to make these mistakes He will use them to grow us, and for His greater purpose. Yesterday morning I woke up to a sermon by Charles Stanley. He was in Romans 8. He read 8:28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. So, even in my anger. Even in my bad choices. God knew I would choose to do the things I have done, even thought. But because I love Him so much and I am one of His children, He will use it. He allowed me to do those things for a reason. What those reasons are I don't know. I can't know what God thinks or His reasoning's are. I just know that He has a purpose for me. I have to hold tightly to that. I have to hang on even if the end of my rope is in shreds and my hands are dripping blood from holding on so tight and my head hurts from squeezing my eyes so tightly because I just can't watch anymore.

God is there. He is going to and is healing this broken heart. I am grateful for His grace and forgiveness. I am His child and I love Him so much. That much I know. I know that even as I let go, He is there to catch me.

Thank you Jesus!

Your sister in Christ,

jennifir