God IS Love!

1 John 4:16

We know how much God loves us,

and we have put our trust in his love.

God is love,

and all who live in love live in God,

and God lives in them.

This has been a week of reflection. Of being fed. Of allowing God to love on me. Pamper me. To let go. It has been a week of opening my heart just a little more despite how scary it is for me. Opening my heart means greater chances of heart ache. More exposure to the elements of those who may or may not mean to hurt me. It has been a week of God just telling me over and over through this person, that event, that cloud, this verse that He loves me. He just plain old loves me. I don't need to look for love anywhere but with Him. I don't need anyone but God when it comes right down to it. Why do I keep hoping and looking that I may actually get a chance to find love anywhere else? As soon as I look, my eyes go off Jesus and I lose my focus. I forget who I should be seeking. I don't know how to not lose my focus. I don't know how to always keep my eyes on Him.

When am I going to get it through my thick skull that all I need is Jesus!

I'm just rambling. I don't know what to say or what to think anymore. I want to be happy. I want to have what I don't have. Why can't I stop worrying about what I want and just be grateful for what I do have? So, I'm going to spend the rest of my days with my cats...that should be fine. I should be OK with whatever God has chosen for me.

I'm having a hard time hearing what He's saying to me. My ears are clogged. I clean them out and junk keeps coming out of them, its never ending. I want to truly hear what God is telling me. I have a tendency to hear what I want to hear. I have a hard time discerning what is something I am actually saying to myself not what God is saying. I'm foggy....I can't tell the difference right now. I feel chaotic. I feel like I should hole up. I'm too dangerous to my own heart to be allowed out among the people. I have such a high hope that they get dashed immediately.

I don't even know. I want to serve God! I love Jesus! I want to do what He wants me to do. How can I actually hear? How? I have some blockage! I want that blockage gone. I made a promise to myself, I broke it. I prayed today with a good friend and as we prayed God gave me this verse.

Ruth 3:18 Then Naomi said to her, "Just be patient, my daughter, until we hear what happens. The man won't rest until he has settled things today."

How can I wait when I don't even know what I'm waiting for? That is my question. I need to know what it is I'm waiting for. I'm so weary of hoping. I'm so weary of opening a part of myself then closing it tighter each time I shut the door. Its time I opened that door completely once and for all and took the risk of whatever is on the other side.

My life is in a renewal stage. There is a new step, phase, opening in my life. I can feel it. It scares me. Like jumping into the deep end of pool being afraid of how cold its going to be. Sometimes it is cold at first, but then my body regulates. I don't want everything to be such a struggle for me. I'm worn out. I'm tired of struggling. I prayed for confirmation on this day and God gave me my confirmation. It was not what I wanted. I was wrong yet again. I am having a hard time discerning.

Except.

There is one message that has come out above all the muck. I need to hold dear to that message and give everything else to Him. I give it all to Him.

God loves me!

your sister in Christ,

Jennifir

PS: this was just a rambling of thoughts...not a teaching...just a struggle I am having right now. Please keep me in your prayers.