Isaiah 43:19
"For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun!
Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
I can't remember exactly where I was sitting when God put the image of the address of Isaiah 43:19 in my mind. I was actually sitting. Quietly. No television. No computer. No cellphone. A very rare moment indeed. I have not had quiet moments like that lately. Quiet moments where where I won't miss when God is simply wanting me to see something. It was about a week before the bottom really fell out of my already rickety life. God had slowly been opening my eyes over the weeks. It was that week I truly saw the precariousness of my situation.
I was living a lie. I was going to church. I was going to work. I was pretending everything was OK when in reality my life was a shambles. I couldn't hide it from myself anymore. I was beginning to be unable to hide it from those around me. Those who are close to me. It was time to see, let go, and really let God to begin cleaning up my life. Oh what a stinky mess it had become. I felt as if I were walking on a tightrope that was about to snap with no training.
It was time for the wall of pride that I had built so tightly around my heart to be shattered. Before God can do anything new in my heart, my life, the old had to be destroyed. One of the most painful things I have done recently to to admit and allow others to step in and help me. One of my closest friends had to draw out of me one morning at the altar just what was really happening in my life. I realize now God had a plan. That He knew I was a month away of becoming near homeless. He knew that it was time to demolish the wall of pride once and for all. He moved in me. My friend held me while I cried. She's such a strong woman and her sternness with me is exactly what I needed and she saw that.
I admitted that I could not go on any longer as I had been. Pretending. Playacting. Not paying my rent or this bill so I could pay that bill or this bill. I could not afford my living expenses anymore, actually had not been for months. Something had to change. Something had to give and it started with that wall of pride. I felt it crumble in a heap at my feet. I felt the rubble being cleaned from around the ground I stood as I told her. As I told my pastor and his wife. As I asked for prayer on the next Wednesday night. God was showing me: You can't do any of this on your own. I will provide. Let me bless this church family you are a part of who truly loves you by allowing them to love on you. Oh my, that was hard. To allow them to step in and help me. Guide me. Teach me. As the rubble was brushed from my shoulders and feet. I began to feel lighter.
I began to see the something new. God has given me a new life. A new chance. He has made a pathway through the wilderness of hopelessness. I was so deep in it. I could not see anything around me. He placed me on the heart of people who truly love me. They offered me a place to live. A new home. And none too soon. Not long after that I received a summons to small claims court. My landlord was suing me for back rent. I had thought we had discussed and worked out that I was going to pay him back. I understand his concerns as well. But I was still devastated and scared. I couldn't pay it all at once. There was no way. I went to court and it worked out just as it should. I have to pay it back, which I planned, but now, I have longer to do so.
Something new. As I sit at Mamaw's kitchen table in my new home, I realize just how light I feel. Jesus took my burdens from me. He lightened my load. God is cleaning my life up so I may focus on Him and serve Him without so many worries. He promises He will provide the means to do as He has called us to do. This cleanup is a part of the process of providing the means. He amazes me so!
This is not all to say that there are not consequences from my bad choices, but there is a peace in my heart I haven't felt since the night I was saved. He has saved me yet again! Amen to that. There is the first salvation of acknowledging Jesus as my savior, but there is the daily, hourly, sometimes every minute salvation I seem to need a lot. From my sinful nature. (Galatians 5:16-18) I must be saved from my sinful nature so I may serve God with a clean, open heart. There is a constant battle waged around us and within us we don't always see. Our sinful nature still lives within us and battles with the Holy Spirit who we desire to follow. It helps me to be aware that I cannot fight this fight. That I need to let go, allow the Holy Spirit to fill me and fight the battle. I must stand firm as God instructs in Ephesians 6. As He instructs in 2 Chronicles 20:15-20. Just stand still and praise the Lord. That's all we have to do...love our heavenly Father! Nothing can crush satan more than hearing our shouts of adoration for our Father even as the odds seemed to be stacked against us. There i s no obstacle too big for God.
For nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37)
It all boils down to faith. I have faith even as the storm rages around me that God loves me and will hold me as I ride the rough waters in His very secure boat. I have to trust in Him that I will not drown and He will deliver me. I have not stopped praising Him. I tell Jesus everyday just how much I love Him!
My life has entered a new chapter written by Him. I am ecstatic and excited to see the plans He has for me.
I am in love with Jesus!
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