I got this sudden need to go to Lake Junaluska today. For those of you who don't know, its a small, man made lake in Waynesville, North Carolina. A nice place to walk or sit. As I sat there, I could hear the little waterfall flowing. It calmed my racing mind. My racing heart. I am unsure. I feel lost. In limbo. Pushed out of the scheme of things. A little afraid. I don't know what I'm afraid of, but I am. As I grow closer to a true acceptance that I may never marry again, my heart pounds inside. I feel a rejection. A rejection from everyone because I feel I am not good enough. God is slowly showing me I am, but it is a timely process. Tears gather behind my eyes. Ready to fall of their own accord, in my selfishness. In my attempt at making myself a victim. A victim of circumstance. I can't help but think back to the man who skewed my whole view of my worth as a woman and not be angry. He taught me my worth was only sexual at such a young age. I am angry at him. I have to continuously forgive him and the craziest thing is, I was not near violated as so many have been. My experience was small, yet it has affected me for years afterward and even now. I have to forgive him. I have to forgive myself for allowing it to happen. Even now, the shame is clear as day. I feel as if I caused it to happen. I was too pretty. Too needy even then. It wasn't my fault! I have to forgive myself more than I have to forgive him. Sometimes, it is in needing to forgive ourselves that we are unable to move on. I vow to forgive myself and realizing I was just a child. I was just a child!

And now, I admit, I grasp onto that victimness I acquired so long ago and use it as an excuse. Use it to continue to treat myself as a victim. A victim of circumstance. A victim of life. I need to stop making myself a victim for I am not! I am God's little girl! My current circumstances are a product of my choices. I chose to eat the chocolate cake with the mindset, "Who cares how fat I get? No matter what I weigh no man will ever truly love me." I choose to allow myself to be drawn in by men below the standards I should have for myself, biblical standards, therefore I have suffered many disappointments and heartbreaks. But what good Christian man would want a tainted woman like me? I keep getting caught up in this pattern. I can't help but think of Galatians 5:16-18, where Paul talks about the battle inside of us between the Holy Spirit and our sinful nature. We must ask for freeing everyday if not more. At least I do. I know there is a heated battle going on inside my heart and that is why it feels so unsettled. I see it and know it, but it doesn't make it not hurt.

Why can't I let go of this pattern? I find myself turning to food or trying to vie for the attentions of this man or that. All to cover up my loneliness. Psalm 91 is one of the many places in God's word that tells me exactly where I can go to alleviate my loneliness....so why do I choose to go a route I know I will get hurt? The feelings of continuous rejection because I just don't seem good enough for anyone. I get stuck! I'm so tired of getting my legs caught in the mud.

Why should it even matter if I'm good enough for anyone or not when I know I am good enough for God because I was made right by Jesus' sacrifice for me on the cross. It is only by grace am I made right. (Romans 3:23-26) But it does matter to me, to my human, lonely heart. I am so mad at myself for allowing the enemy to come in and make it matter so much. I am disappointed time and time again by men and other people in my life. I put my trust into them instead of God. All that should matter is that I know Jesus loves me. All that should matter is to truly realize the sacrifice God made for me just because He loves me! God loves me! The tainted one! The one who allowed herself to be shown pornography and touched by the age of eight. God loves me! The one who was a Buddhist. The one who was promiscuous and experimented with drugs. God loves me! He has forgiven me for all those things. Now, it is time I forgive myself! I am just so weary worrying about what others think of me. I only want to worry what God thinks of me. I want my Daddy proud of me!

I am going through growing pains in my spiritual growth, just as I did as a little girl as I grew. My legs would hurt so bad I would cry all night long until I got ben-gay on my legs. It is a struggle to truly learn how to go from being a victim to being God's obedient little girl. I am not a victim. I must wrench free from this pattern. But I cannot do it. I must step back and allow Jesus to free me. But I must ask and believe. (Mark 9:24 The father instantly cried out, "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!" ) I cry this verse out to Jesus. I finally admit that I do have unbelief. That I need help to overcome that unbelief. But I must ask Him. (Mark 9:29 Jesus replied, "This kind can be cast out only by prayer." There are some demons, some patterns that can only be cast out when we ask Jesus to cast it out. I am asking Jesus to cast out my need to be a victim. My loneliness. I have to let go and give everything to God.

I need to stop trying to create my own love story, direct my own friendships. I must follow God's path, not mine. (Proverbs 21:24, 3:6)

Then why is it so hard to obey? To put one foot in front of the other? To step where God directs me? I can tell you partly why it is so hard for me. I don't trust Him enough, oh God forgive me, to allow Him to take over. I feel He won't give me what I think I need so I have to get it myself. I am not trusting in God with all my heart. But with all my heart I want to.

Yes, I am being honest. I am looking at myself. I am sharing my struggle. My greatest desire is to trust God with all my heart, mind, and soul, yet I am afraid to take what is within my reach. And that is all that He has for me. God has so much for me. Why won't I trust Him that He will give it to me as I am ready, in His right time? I am but a human, thirty-three year old woman who has spent most of my life learning how to do things on my own.

It is time for me to realize that I don't have do that with God. I am not on my own anymore. I don't have to create chance encounters with that certain guy I am interested in. God will have me meet the one for me when it is time. I just have to have faith in God. Use this time of waiting so that I may grow closer in my relationship with Jesus. I have wasted so many precious moments hoping that special someone is around the corner, always looking for him. And maybe he is, but how will I know if I don't follow in Jesus' footsteps instead of trying to create my own path?

I have felt blah. Out of sorts. I know I am in yet another transition stage. I can't see anything as in a movie when it goes to the next scene. There's that split second transition of blackness. It may not feel split second to me right now, but it is. In God's time. And as that transition fades and moves me into the next step I will be that much closer to Jesus.

I am so grateful for all I have learned, am learning and will learn. It is no easy path, but it is the path to the light. The eternal life I yearn for. True love. True acceptance. Eternal life. And the only way there is through Jesus Christ. I choose to pick up my cross, bear it, and walk that path through the rocky terrain, the level ground, the steep mountain sides, during heavy downpours and light drizzles. I choose to walk in the way. Straight for Jesus Christ.

your sister in Christ,

Jennifir