Habakkuk 3:19
The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights.
Jesus is the pebble. My heart a calm pool of water. He drops gracefully into the very center of my heart as soon as I invite Him in. The ripples flow all around Him. The waters of my heart are stirred. At times, it seems so calm on the surface. The ripples are smooth, in a perfect circle. They reach out to the waters around me. The calm hearts that surround me. The pebble stirs my waters from deep within. The wellspring of who I am now that I belong to Him. (Proverbs 4:23) Jesus changes me from the inside out. My desires transform slowly into His desires. The ripples break the further they go as they hit rocks or other obstacles. It is peaceful having a calm heart, yet unfulfilled. I desire my heart to be stirred. The ripples of my love for God touch all those they overlap. I drink of the Holy Spirit. I am so thirsty that I don't pay attention to the excess spilling from my heart. Splashing onto those around me. That they too may be blessed with God's love. I say Jesus is a pebble, but in my life He has been more of a large boulder! This is not a bad thing.
When I asked Him into my heart, there was a huge splash! The biggest droplets of water one could imagine splashed hard onto spectators around me. Some ran as far as they could, others became as thirsty as me. They very essence of who I thought I was was completely shaken up. Everything inside was rearranged and shifted. It was shocking, like jumping into the deep end of a very cold pool. But once the shock wore off, I was completely submerged and my body had regulated to the new temperature. Don't get me wrong. My hair gets all tangly and water in my eyes, but the temperature of my life will never be the same. I was forever changed the first time I asked the boulder of Jesus Christ into the calm, hardened, cold pool of my heart. I have asked Him to jump time and time again. Sometimes, it is just a pebble, sometimes a large rock. Whatever He deemed necessary for me to learn. However shaken up He felt was necessary for me to move forward in my walk with Him. But there will never be the splash of that first time. The birth splash! The splash that broke all the locks on my heart.
I've been reading this book called Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. As I read it, I see that I am very much like the main character, Much-Afraid. I'm afraid of so much around me. I'm afraid of commitment, even to God. I'm afraid to trust. To have faith. I desire these things so much, above everything else, yet I'm afraid to completely yield myself to God.
There's a small part me that feels I am the one He will decide to not come through for. That He will ask me to never marry again. To never have a small slice of happiness. That I am destined to live a life of acceptance of joy of how it is now. I'm afraid to hope for the future. I'm afraid to believe that I am allowed to dream. I find myself dreaming of something and immediately squashing it. Telling myself: Who do you think you are? You'll never have that. It hurts. It is my lameness right now. I'm not saying any of this is true. I'm just saying that my mind thinks these things. I have been reading Song of Solomon the past couple of days. God has sent me there a couple of different ways. I'm still not sure what His message is. I've read it twice today. One verse that does hit me hard is 1:13 My lover is like a sachet of myrrh lying between my breasts. Last time, God had me in the Song of Solomon this verse stood out. He's having to show me again. Jesus, that boulder, that pebble, the Holy Spirit, is your lover. He resides deep in my heart between my breasts. He is the Holy Spirit. He is always with me.
I just want to reach those high places. I am an impatient, little goose. I am God's little goose. I want it all now. I want to stand on top of the mountain, whole and happy, now. What a product of the microwave generation I am! I am like Much-Afraid, I see myself as lame and unworthy. I can't imagine myself as a completely different person. The one God actually intended me to be. How can I, of all people go to the high places, Heaven, where I must be perfect. Although, I know I am going to heaven. The seed of the Holy Spirit lies deep within my heart. I believe Jesus was born as a man, died and rose again for my sin. Whoa! Me...little old me...that ugly duckling who hardly anyone takes a second glance at. But I know the answer to this question. I am imperfect in the world's eyes, in my eyes, but not God's. He is using these times of suffering. These times of hardship to mold me. To prune me into the perfect little goose for Him. In His eyes I am perfect. He is working on me as I write. I have to remain still. I keep wanting to wiggle around. Fight Him. Don't I realize if I sit still it will be more of a calm rippling rather than a huge wave crashing down on me.
Why am I unable to sit still? My mind does not want to slow down. The waters of my heart need to remain calm no matter the storm raging around me. I have to trust in God, even when it seems He is leading me to the darkest corners of life. He truly only wants the best for me. I know that as part of my growth, it is necessary for me to walk the less pleasant parts of the path. Even go in a direction that seems like it is away from the high places when in truth it is not. It only appears so to me because I cannot see the whole picture. I cannot see God's plan. I have to trust that He does have a plan. I have to follow Him with no question. Stop fighting. Today, I choose to trust God and if I know me I will have to make this choice everyday, maybe a few times a day. I may walk up to that steep mountain feeling hopeless, but when I get closer and really look, He has always shown me how to climb it. He will always provide the means, even if the means themselves seem a little crazy. He could move that mountain but He chooses not to and I am grateful for this. I must learn to climb it, I know this deep in my heart. I want to climb. I even get a little excited. A thrill goes into my heart. To know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. And in that I know I am never alone even if it appears that way. All I have to do is call out to Jesus, but I must push past my fear, my pride, my harsh judgement of myself and call! He sees all that goes on with me. He knows my needs, but He wants me to ask. He walks with me indefinitely. He is forever with me. I must go to Him and seek Him for what I need and desire. In doing so, I submit to his will. I show Him I trust Him. I love Him.
God is an amazing God. He is bigger than anything I could ever imagine. He breathed life into me. I seek Him!
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