Faith!

(written by Jennifir)

Hebrews 11:1

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for

will actually happen; it gives us assurance about

things we cannot see.

I have struggled with faith. With trust. Life has not been easy for many years. Life got harder after I was saved. I was warned, the very second night of my new life that the Christian walk is not a bed of roses. That my life would not instantly become peachy, but something inside me did not fully believe this. Somewhere deep inside I thought life would become easy as pie. But you know, there are some pies that are just plain hard to make. God would take care of everything. Wipe not only my mistakes and forgive me of my sins, but erase the consequences. That is not the case. I must still suffer the consequences of my choices. I was under the impression that He would make my finances all better, cure my loneliness, all right away, mind you. He does do these things, but not as we think. And in His time, not mine. I just knew I would have that perfect life I always dreamed of.

The opposite happened. My life fell apart. My daughter was with me less. Bills seemed to be piling up while a source of income was wrenched from beneath me. A relationship ended. I was suddenly so alone or so I thought. Yes, I clung desperately to Jesus. Through these storms. These droughts. These times of anguish. I held tight to Him. To the promise of better times. But what I was and am still grasping I may not see better times until I am in heaven. I must be content with my circumstances.

I remember thinking this can't last too much longer. I've gone all my life with nothing. Surely, God won't make me live the rest of my life with nothing. But he's not. I have eternal life and His Holy Spirit inside me. A year and a half later, I am broker than I have ever been and lonelier than I have ever been. My hope beginning to wane. I finally realized a few weeks ago that I had become angry. I was angry at God. I understood that it would be hard for a little while, but a year and a half? I was like come on. Enough's enough. I was mad. I was disappointed. When was it going to end? When was I going to see those blessings he promised? It wasn't until I admitted to God I was angry with him and forgave myself for being angry at him that some of the fog cleared. That I saw the many blessings he has given me. That I need to stop looking through worldly eyes. Let God transform me from the inside out. The enemy would want me to think God wants me to suffer needlessly. That is a lie. I asked God for forgiveness. I forgave myself for my anger toward Him. For not having enough faith. For losing trust in Him.

He showed me that He was using my weaknesses, my trials to strengthen me for His plans for me. Jeremiah 29:11-14. It was not being able see the full plans that frustrated me on top of it all. I wanted to know all the plans right away. I wanted to know why? I went to Ecclesiastes and read 11:5 and realized it is not for me to understand. I turned to Proverbs 20:21 and Proverbs 20:24. My logical, analytical human brain wanted to understand what I could possibly never understand.

God has pruned much from my life. He has not stepped in and snatched me from my problems, but He has held my hand and directed my every step. He wants me to trust Him. I can't trust Him if I have all I think I need. I won't lean on Him. He wants me to have faith that he has my best interests at heart even if it doesn't seem like it. That I must rejoice in my trials. In my loneliness. That He does have a reason for not taking the bitter cup from my hand. I see that now. If He had removed that cup my faith would not have grown as it has. I had to hit rock bottom. As I felt all hope seeping from my weary bones. As the realty of having no place to live really hit me, He has knocked another wall from my heart. The wall of pride. He has been telling me for so long. "You have to ask for help, my little goose." I refused to submit and obey(James 4:7) until last Sunday. It was then a huge ball began to roll through the wall and it shattered into a million pieces. How can anyone help me if they don't know a need is there? I had to ask. I had to allow His children to be blessed by Him by allowing them to help me. How hard that is for me!

God has blessed me great this past week alone. He sent me to a tire place where the man in charge has a heart for single moms. He put me on the heart of great friends and now I will have a new place to live without all the financial stress to bog me down. I will be free of worry so I may work for God. I have been so blessed. Thank you Jesus for showing me that the bitter cup I carried was not financial worries or loneliness although the enemy dyed it those colors. No, what was really in that cup was the need to admit my anger, fear, and pride. Thank you for staying by my side. For being my rock. Psalm 16 is one of my most favorite Psalms because it speaks of trusting God's people. It speaks of not being shaken because God is beside us and will not allow us to be shaken. It speaks of hearing in our hearts what God is saying to us. It speaks of the resurrection of the Holy One, Jesus Christ, by not allowing him to rot in the grave. I love this Psalm. In my darkest times God fans the light of Jesus with it for me.

So, my point is no matter what, keep your faith. Have confidence change is coming but in God's time. I also asked Him to remove temptation. We must go through a cleanup process. It is not an overnight process or even a process that happens in a few months. There is much deconstruction of old ways (and for me there are many, buddhism, alcohol, drugs, sex..) to be done before construction can begin. It is a painful process, but necessary and God will use it in the ministry He has chosen for me. I cling to Him as my pastor referred me to John 3:14 "And as Moses lifted the bronze snake on a pole in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up,". I look to Jesus during every aspect of my walk and even more so in the painful times. He may not keep the bites of life from striking me, but He has promised to heal those bites if I look to Him in faith and ask Him to heal me.

I love Jesus so much!

I am so grateful to Him!