Jesus knocked, I heard, I answered....

I'm a mess in so many ways. I don't know how to not be a mess. My house is a mess. My finances are a mess. My heart is a mess. I'm on that narrow part of my journey that has briers and thorns on each side. I can't help but get scratched. I keep my focus on you, Jesus. I know where I want to be. My heart desires you. Even as the briers scratch at me, dig into my flesh. Rip my clothes. Even as the rocks on the steep path beneath my feet penetrate my shoes, I have a goal, a focus. Your light, Jesus. I fight hard as I am scratched, distracted by the blood of trials and temptations as they run down my arms, legs, back, inside my heart. I can see your light. I never lose sight of you, Jesus. I praise you through all of it. I know you are by my side, always as you promised in Psalm 16:7-8 I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me. I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. This is not the only place God promises us this. Psalm 37:23-24 The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fail, for the Lord holds them by the hand. I will stumble along that path, the path headed toward the light, Jesus, but the Lord will not let go of me. I may let go of him, but like a kitten's mother, he will carry me by the scruff of my neck. I may meow in protest the whole way. But I will not be shaken. I will not be shaken because I am strong for I am so very weak. Oh my, it is truly humbling to truly contemplate how weak and small I really am. It is only through Christ in me am I made made strong. Philippians 4:13 For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.

Living this life, what my flesh would consider a mediocre, lonely life is so hard. There are times I feel so weak and drained all I want to do is pack up and give up. Just hide away. Tuck myself into a corner with myself. I can't do that. My heart is so entwined with God's that I just can't bring myself to withdraw. I want to live this life to the fullest make my Daddy in heaven proud of his little girl. I remind myself during these periods of depression who has won. Who has overcome the world. Who I may have peace in. Jesus! John 16:33 God never promised he would take our cup from us, but he did promise he would never leave us as we drank from that cup no matter how bitter the taste. He would guide us through it. He would use us in that circumstance. He would teach us something through that situation. I truly believe all things happen for a reason. There is a purpose for our circumstances as I heard Loui Giglio say in How Great is Our God. What a comfort it is to know that all I feel, experience, see, and so on is not for naught but will be used as part of God's plan for me and those he uses me to touch. In that revelation, I become joyous and glad to drink from that bitter cup.

I may never see what that purpose is, but I take great comfort in knowing there is a purpose. Romans 8:28 That it is all a part of God's plan. The big picture. I have to step outside of my little box and it is little and truly come to realize that I am small! That I am but one piece in a big amazing picture. Plan. I thank God that there is so much more than this life here on earth. I praise God as I struggle through one of the biggest thorns in my side at this time in my life. Loneliness. There is so much that I may not have seen if I had not clung to so desperately to Jesus in my loneliness. I rejoice in my loneliness. In my trials. It is during these times he shows me the lost. It is during these times I become humbled, let go of my pride and cry out to Jesus. Admit I cannot fix my own problems. Or clean myself up. The only one who will nerve let me down is Jesus. It is during these times I am glad and rejoice because I become Christ's partner in suffering. (1 Peter 4:12-19) In his purpose of drawing the lost to the Father. God desires all his children come home. He wants to use us to draw them. I want to be used to draw as many of the lost home. I am so grateful for those who allowed him to use them to draw me home.

I cringe at the idea of so many not coming home. So many making the choice to be turned away at the day of judgement. I cannot fathom the eternal punishment they will endure because Jesus did not know them. To not be turned away no matter their sins. All they have to do is believe that God came to earth in the form of man, Jesus. Suffered as no one has ever suffered, died and was resurrected. He knew no sin, but was sacrificed for the sin of all. It is only by his grace and mercy that I am saved. Everyone can experience salvation. True love. This rebirth to live forever with the one who loves us unconditionally. Unfailing. Forever. But we must choose to open our hearts. We must choose to listen. We must choose to open that door when Jesus knocks on the door of our heart. We must believe. I pray now as I write this that everyone opens that door as I did on March 15, 2008. Open that door wide and let Jesus take on all your burdens. Let him transform you into his child. Let him use you, teach you, guide you. What an honor it is to be a living sacrifice and used for God's great plan. My greatest desire is to be so close to him that he is all I can see. I cry out to be used by him because I love him so much.

Revelation 3:20-21

"Look! I stand at the door and knock .

If you hear my voice and open the door,

I will come in,

and we will share a meal together as friends.

Those who are victorious will sit with me on my throne,

just as I was victorious and sat with my Father on his throne.