John 6:26 Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth,
you want to be with me because I fed you,
not because you understand the miraculous signs."
Oh, I so don't want to be like this. I want to be with Jesus because I love Him, not because of what He can and will do for me. I just want to see Him, touch Him. Love Him. I want to be like Zacchaues (Luke 19:1-9). Just climb a tree so I can catch a glimpse of Him as He goes by and nothing more. Yet, as I struggle to not be so selfish, I find myself seeking Him out so He can give me things, from spiritual to emotional to material. And these miracles, small and large are amazing. I need to be grateful for them and use them to build my faith and purify my heart not seek Him out to do more for me. I need to be content with my current circumstances and trust in God. That He has a plan for me.
Jesus is the bread of life. He tells us over and over in John 6. John 6:33, 35, 41, 48, 51, 58. Jesus is all I truly need. If I seek Him and only Him He will provide everything I need in order to worship, love, and believe in Him with all my heart. (Matthew 6:29-35) He will provide. All I need to do is seek Him, grow close to Him. I need Jesus above all else. He should be my main focus. My manna of true substance.
As I seek Him, He paves the path. He guides me. He shows me His footsteps, one step at a time. He changes my desires. It is a difficult and painful process. The severing of the sinful nature. There are some sins that are so deeply rooted that unless I give them over to Jesus, I will never be free of them. I can't do it on my own. I'm a mere human. A sinner. The dead limbs of these sins are still attached by veins and it hurts, is bloody, and causes many tears as Jesus saws it from the healthy part of my soul, heart, and body. There are times my arms flail in protest and pain. I lash out. I cuss. In the end, it is worth it. The whole time He is telling me this is for your good , my little love. This is in the way. This is a blur in your faith. You asked for my help and I am here to help. There are times I have wrenched the saw from His loving hands and he has let me because it is my choice. Oh, the grace and mercy He showers upon me! I stumble. I cry until I relent and hand it back it to Him. I know in my heart if I don't allow Him to take this dead branch from me it will contaminate the living part of me. It is all part of my broken heartedness being healed. Sometimes the healing process is more painful than when the actual wound was afflicted. It is all part of the renewing of my mind and learning to be a true living sacrifice. (Romans 12:1-2) I must be cleaned up by Jesus in order to give myself to Him.
The past week has been a very difficult week of severing and a week of blessings. I am so grateful that although it hurts, although, the tears stream down my cheeks and stain my shirt, I let Him heal me. (Psalm 126:5-6) This week He has worked on the part of me that wants to hold onto guilt. To constantly beat myself up for sin once I have been forgiven. To allow satan to keep condemning me. Sometimes God lets me fall a little so He can demonstrate (Romans 8:1) That there is no condemnation because I belong to Jesus! This week, starting last Friday, I stumbled over a couple of very sharp rocks. I gave in to temptation. God did not condemn me although I kept trying to even after He warned me it was coming. Immediately, I cried out Him. Why can I not stop? Why do I insist on giving into my sinful nature? He told me to read Romans 7 especially verses 14-25. God was showing me: Look, if Paul, the man I choose to write a good part of the New Testament struggled with the very same question, what makes you any different? You are human, my little goose. You seek me through it all. As you drag through the briers of life keep your eyes on me. Don't look at the scratches, rips, and tears in your skin. Keep going forward. Just keep going forward. Keep seeking me. I will show you that you can't be perfect. Not until you are in heaven standing before my son, Jesus. He is right. I keep trying to be the perfect Christian. I just need to try to focus on Jesus and let Him use me. Strive to be the best I can be, perfection as a human is unattainable. Not here on earth. He knows everything I am going to do way before it comes to my mind and He forgives me. He does not condemn me. So, it is time I stop condemning myself!
Even as I sin I call out to Him. I feel chained down by my sin. God is cutting those briers even as they continue to scratch me until they cannot touch me anymore. Satan hates it. he knows the closer I get to God, the more dangerous I am to him and the more dangerous I become the stronger his attacks are. With Christ in me, I am powerful. We all are. But I have to truly believe. I have to eat and drink from the bread of life, Jesus. I have to allow God to do what He needs to do to heal me so that I may be used by Him. So that I may do the one work He has called me to do. John 6:26 Jesus told them, "This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent." Start from that one work and from that my love and faith grows. God will show and is showing me the other works He has planned for me to do. I do these works out of my pure love for Him not for the blessings He has promised me.
Yet, he blesses me anyway. I asked Him to give my daughter and me more time together. To give her a stable life and help her with her weight. Two days later, I run into one of my best friends. She's been out of work and has a son Rose's age. She is now keeping Rose for me while I work and we are paying her which helps her a little and helps me to have Rose more consistently. Rose is so active and and loving every moment she spends there. I am ever so grateful for this huge miracle God has shown me in our lives. My daughter is an amazing blessing. She believes with all her heart and sleeps in the lap of Jesus as a very dear friend puts it. By watching her relationship with Jesus grow I am learning to let go and let God heal me so my relationship with Him will grow. I believe in the living bread of life God sent here to feed my hunger and thirst. Jesus Christ!
Thank you Jesus for allowing me to drink your blood and eat from your flesh!
Amen!
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