Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,
and all these things will be given to you as well.
Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Thursday night as I sat outside on the the concrete sidewalk at Faith Community Church I spent some time talking to God. I sat still as he instructs and began to focus on an ant that had crawled onto my paper. I watched him as he moved fast in one direction, then switched in another. He was seeking. Seeking food. Seeking the desire of his little ant heart. He was hungry. Hungry for whatever morsel he could find. As I watched him my heart went out to him. I began thinking of how I was before I chose to believe in Jesus. How I was very much like this ant who is seeking and his path is not straight, but he has a focus. He just couldn't see it. I couldn't see what I was seeking for so long. I was searching. Stumbling on this and that. Stumbling on buddhism. Stumbling on new age stuff like tarot cards and astrology. Stumbling onto men. Stumbling onto alcohol. Stumbling onto all the things I thought I should be desiring. I was left so unsatisfied. Still seeking. And sometimes when we seek we turn down a very dark path. And I did. I was a buddhist for nearly thirteen years. It wasn't until Jesus shown through so many people at work did I start to see a direction to seek in. A direction toward Jesus. Until I turned and there he was. I saw him. I felt him. I asked him into my heart on March 15, 2008.
I had someone ask me one day how I went from being a buddhist to a lover of Jesus overnight. The answer is simple. God can move mountains. God can change hearts. When God wants to draw someone to Jesus he will turn their lives upside down and draw them. He chose to draw me in a way I could no longer ignore that night and I gladly, joyously turned from buddhism. I am so grateful He chose to draw me the way he did. I love him so much. I think back to my life before I was saved. Before I was in love with Jesus and am amazed I am still here. But the answer to that is simple. It was God's will for me to live through all I have been. He had plans for me. He has had plans for me since way before I was ever born. Jesus saw me as he hung on the cross. That is so cool. It makes all that I have seen, done, and been through worth every bit of it. I wouldn't change any of it because I would not be who I am today. I would not be so on fire for Jesus as I am now. I am totally on fire for him. I pray his will be done. Not mine. I have to keep giving back to him what I give him. It is a constant battle to not grab a hold of something on my journey toward him and not let go. But I must trust him. I declare today on this hot beautiful day made by my Lord in heaven that I will do all I can to trust in him. And I ask him for his help.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
It is not for me to understand why it was so easy for me to turn from many of my old ways so easily. It is only for me to trust him in all he asks me to do. I trust him with all my heart. I don't want to be like that ant, following a crazy zigzag path that keeps taking me to the same places. I chose to follow Jesus and let him pave my path!
I know this has been a rambling blog, but my heart is on a ramble. I am just so in love with Jesus!!
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