The Ostrich

Psalm 37:23-24

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.

He delights in every detail of their lives.

Though they stumble,

they will never fall,

for the Lord holds them by the hand.

It has been a while since I have posted. A lot has been going on in my meager little life. Contemplation. Eye openings. Clarity and not necessarily pleasant clarity. Growth. Realizations and revelations. A true knowing that God has never and will never let go of my hand. I am like a child so in awe of my Father whose hand holds mine, that I don't watch the rocks on the pathway beneath my feet. And I stumble on those pebbles, those rocks, but my Father has my hand firm in his so I never fall. I may stub a toe. Or trip a little but i never hit the ground and all the while even with tears in my eyes I gaze in awe at the unfailing most amazing father anyone could ever ask for. And so I share one or more of my stumblings as God has revealed them to me.

I am very much like an ostrich. I would say lately, but I think it has been for a very long time. Trouble comes and I half cry out to the Lord as I immediately bury my head in the sand. Lately I have felt as if I have been swimming through the thick, lonely financial muck that I call my life. I have ignored some truths about myself. Truths I have not wanted to face. I have felt out of touch. Tired. Worn out. Stretched so thin that I drag through each day and only look forward to the moment I can lay my head on my pillow. Depression has tried to creep in. The enemy has been hard at work. He is angry and it is my confirmation that I am in fact on the right path. I am, even in my clouded visions at times, obeying, or else the enemy would not bother with me. I rejoice in this! I have lost all interest in the things I love as I sink deeper and deeper into the the pit of hopelessness. Even as I read my Bible, I think. I don't deserve his grace. His mercy. But I know in my heart this is not true. As a sinner, I don't, but as God's child, I do and only because He truly loves me.

Doubt begins to seep in as I still don't see improvements in my life or what I think should be improvements. My stagnant lonely life. I am on fire for Jesus. No matter what. He is my first love. I cling to Him in my despair, my doubt, my unbelief as Ruth clung to Naomi as she followed her to an unknown land with unknown people. The one belief that always stays deep in my heart is Jesus loves me. I don't blame God for my situations here on earth. I know I am where I am because of the decisions i have made and continue to make.

I struggle with clarity. With the belief that I am truly forgiven. I guess deep down this small bit of doubt, which I know is from the enemy, keeps nagging at me. If I am forgiven why won't my life improve? Why can I never be quite good enough? I want to come in first sometime. I admit it now! It's a selfish desire. Even as I write this I know that as a servant of Christ, I will and should come last. I should be willing, joyous. It's not about me. It's about Jesus.

I seek the desires of my heart. I desire a closeness with my Daddy, my Father, in heaven. I also desire to be loved here on earth. Even now I feel so alone as I sit outside on a sunny Saturday afternoon. As I contemplate. As I look into that virtual mirror of who I am. As I realize God IS answering my prayers, but not how I want Him to but how He feels is best for me. I know I will look back and see this. I will thank Him then. I thank Him now. He will not take this cup of loneliness, this cup of stagnation from me, but He will hold my hand and stay by my side as I drink it. Eventually, the cup will be empty. There is hope, expectancy in that.

My father in heaven has asked me to do some things I have fought. Things until I came to a breaking point in my bosses office I could no longer ignore. It was time to stop playing ostrich and pull my head from the sand. How can I be proactive in the improvement of my life if I cannot see what is going on? I didn't like what I saw. There was misbalance. The scales were so out of whack, I was barely hanging on by a pinky. My whole body flailing. As my pinky begins to slip from the oily feel of the over weighted scale, a firm strong hand grabs a hold of me. Catches me. He will not let me fall. I am His child and He has plans for me. I look around, tucked in the the safety of God's loving arms and finally allow myself to see. I have bad budget skills. And the hard one to face: my addiction to facebook. I would stay up late chatting then wake up tired and unenthusiastic for work the next morning. I truly love my job and it is through the disappointment of my co-workers, women who truly love me, that the Lord opened my eyes to see that facebook was becoming my God. The enemy was doing his best to use it to overtake my life and tear it apart so I would be no good to the Lord. One thing I know for sure, God's plan can not be thwarted and the enemy has already lost. I have to remind him on a constant basis.

Through those around me the Lord has shown me the way out. He has told me steps to take. I have canceled cable and the Internet so it is not ready at my hand. I can no longer sit for hours in front of the c0mputer. I have to go to the library to write this blog. I admit it has been hard, but necessary. I am still able to stay in touch with my phone but not at the level I had gotten to. I'm getting to bed at a decent hour and I'm already seeing the creative juices and my enthusiasm return. There are so many addictions and people tend to overlook things like facebook and myspace as addictions, but they are just as life damaging as alcohol or drugs or food if not kept in check. This has been a hard, painful lesson for me. I admit now that facebook had in many ways become my God and through God's mercy, grace, and love He made this clear to me and showed me the way out. And as hard as it was, as it is, I obey. My Father delights in me. He knows my heart. He knows my weaknesses just as the enemy does. I forget this sometimes and have to remind myself the war has already been won. I must close my ears to the lies of the enemy. Put on all of God's armor.

Even as I feel my life is so horrible, I know this is but a season, one of many in my life I will live through. A growing season. It is the hot summer months, the growing season. The time of the flower becoming the fruit. Soon there will be much harvest. Many tears have been shed, much food fed to me. I take it all up and realize now I am in the midst of the flowering stage of my growth. Much birth has taken place during this time.

It is exciting and this revelation has been revealed to me as I lay on my belly in the sun in my front yard. God is so amazing! I delight in Him. I trust Him with all that I have and am. My life had to ripped to pieces, deconstructed, as we sometimes have to do with a flower arrangement that has gone awry. Pull all the flowers out, even redo the floral foam and start all over so it will come out as God intended!

I praise God and rejoice for ALL that is in my life. Trials and non trials. I have so much to learn!