(written by Jennifir)

I have a fragile heart. It is so vulnerable. It craves only to be truly loved and I know deep inside my heart I am loved. By Jesus. I want more though. I want to be loved here on earth. I admit I am so afraid to open my heart. I take Proverbs 4:23 a little to literally sometimes and guard it so much I tend to mess things up. I think I have. I opened my heart and it becomes so vulnerable. So exposed. I get so scared I find myself sitting back with claws at ready expecting the worst. Not trusting enough. I have been hurt so badly, my heart so scarred that stepping out in faith where it is concerned is so very hard for me. And then it gets scratched a little and I guard it that much harder. I don't know what to do. How to be OK with the fact it may get scratched, bumped, or bruised. I have had such a difficult week. As I worked Friday I realized I had been trying so hard to please the wrong person. I should only want to be pleasing one person and that is Jesus. When I work hard to please anyone else, I mess things up. Seems like I am good at messing things up.

I feel as if I am such a mess. In all aspects of my life. I feel as if it is out of control. I am tired. Doing too much. Trying to keep up. I need a rest. In Hebrews 4:9-11 God tells us to rest. It is time for me to rest. Time for me to recoup. Time for me to get my heart back and cherish it the way God wants me to. I only want to be loved. To be happy. I admit now that I am lonely. I allowed my heart to open some, but it has been hurt and scarred so much that I have my hand on the door ready to slam it shut. I pray that there is a man here on earth who will truly love me enough to understand that and be patient with me. Not ignore me which seems to happen. I know that I have been wrong. I know it is hurtful the way I react. I am not making excuses. I am only asking for understanding. I am asking for forgiveness.

I am reaching out to Jesus asking Him please to forgive me because I know I do the same to Him. I am asking all those I do this to to forgive me. It is a stronghold I have. I see that now. I understand that now. I have asked God for clarity. This is what He has shown me. Now I ask Him for further healing and as I do I also ask him to help me overcome my unbelief. My unbelief that I am worthy to be healed. I am worthy because of His unfailing love to take the time on. He loves His little girl and always will. I know my Father doesn't want to see me hurting or my heart aching. I know He wants to use me and I ask Him to. I have so much love in this heart. He gave me a huge heart. A heart that desires to love. And to shout my love for Jesus out loud! Across the world. Oh, Father. I am sorry if I have turned my back on you in my quest for love. Help me to learn how to be happy and still stay focused on you. Oh Father. Why is it so hard? How do I love a man and still love you more? I know it can be done. But it seems I have been unable to do it so far. I don't want to be rigid. I want to be loved. I so desire to hear words of truth. After a year of heartache, serious brokenness, struggles in so many ways, and so much more, isn't it time for me to experience some real happiness. Truthful happiness?

I guess maybe it is not. You never did promise in your Word that life would be fair. In fact, you told us to share in Christs suffering. 1 Peter 4:12-19. I share in it. I rejoice in it. I realize that if this is how it is to be I continue to rejoice and cry out my love and gratitude to you, Father. If it is meant for me to spend my days here on earth struggling financially and never being a helper to a man than that is my destiny. I am trying very hard to accept that living sacrifice joyously. I admit it is hard though since I am a companion person. Since as a human, I need that. But if it is not meant for me I ask for peace with it and I love you all the more. The trial of loneliness is the thorn in my side and maybe it is a thorn you have decided to not remove.

I can't sleep because my mind is reeling with rejection once again. I am so exhausted. So ready to craw into a hole. The enemy has tried to prowl around me like a lion and while he has struck and hit a blow I know that Jesus has won. I know that this life is only temporary and I have the promise of eternal life where I will no longer suffer or be rejected but only sit at the feet of Jesus and worship! And feel true love. My humanness has a hard time grasping this and resting in that. As my heart is in turmoil and confusion I ask for prayers of discernment, clarity, and I don't know what else. I desire to do what is right by God, not by me. I get confused. I'm so sorry about this rambling but there is so much going on in my heart. I had to let it go. I had to bear my heart. There really is no rhyme or reason to it, just an aching heart trying to figure out where I went wrong so badly that I must be forgotten.

I give myself over to God. I ask the Holy Spirit to pray for me because I am at a loss as to what to pray right now.