America's Sweethearts

As most of you already know, I am an avid Fall Out Boy fan, and they have a new CD out. I was listening to it while putting together the stuff for Beef Stew in our crock pot today, and one of the songs struck a chord in me and got me thinking.

The name of the song is "America's Suitehearts" and is basically about all of the corruption in America right now. And as much as I love my country, they are right. I mean, a lot of the problems we are having right now are boiled right down to a few lines in the chorus of that song: "Let's hear it for America's Sweethearts. I must confess that I'm in love with my own sins." At the same time that I realized that this is very true, the Lord spoke a verse of scripture to my heart in reply: "When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

As a country, IN COMPLETE UNITY, we need to reject our idols and come to God in complete submission before He will do anything to help us. I remember how united we were just after the 9/11 attacks. Now, we have dissembled into cliques and factions, each seeking to please ourselves. And to be honest, I am no different. I want a job; I want a house; I want to meet my future husband, and I have given no thought to what the Lord may have planned for me otherwise. And I am not saying that His plan for me doesn't include these things, because He promised to give me the desires of my heart. But there was a condition there. Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I fell complacent and allowed myself to delight in myself or in material things or in something other than Him. I have to come back to Him and delight in Him again, and then the revival will begin. It starts with me. Then slowly, it will flow through and reach out to the rest of the country, when the Lord will once again look at America with pleasure and will give our nation the desires of its heart.

He wants to Give me the Desires of my Heart...

(Written by Jennifir Huston)

I am so very lonely. I am so very weary. It is so hard to keep trudging along. Sometimes I feel I can't go on anymore. I want to give up. I feel as if I have been in continuous war mode. It is a constant battle trying to wrench free from my seemingly super human hands all my troubles, worries, sins, everything and hand them over to Jesus. He does not want me wasting my time or time that could be used to serve Him worrying. Being sad. Lonely. Allowing the enemy to tell me I am unworthy in every way. He tells us not to worry. Matthew 6:34 So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today. (NLT). Worrying is a waste of time. It does no good. As He says in Matthew 6:27 Can all of your worries add a single moment to your life?"

I struggle to not believe that I am not worthy. That I am not allowed to be happy. I know they are not true. In my sad twisted way, it almost seems easier to give in. I am one of the walking wounded, we all are in one way or another, trying to fix myself. I am in no condition to fix myself. Why do I keep trying? I so desire to give over all this to Jesus. Why is it so hard? Why?

I stand firm now as my Father instructs in Ephesians. I am His daughter. Fathers love to fight for their daughters. I choose to give this joy to my Father. I choose to believe what He tells me.
Song of Solomon 1:15 How beautiful you are, my darling, how beautiful! Your eyes are like doves. I cry out to Him! I want Him to know just how beautiful He is in my eyes! Golden eyes He gave me as jewels! He is telling me I am beautiful. I am worthy. He is stomping out the lies slowly but surely the enemy has grounded into my head over the years. I need only seek His validation. I need strive only to please Him. I hand over all my troubles, all the things I beat myself up for.

I see myself laying at Jesus' feet as the worship band plays this morning. My head is lowered in shame. I cling to Him. The only fact I am sure of is I love Him. I love Jesus! Through all the muck. The loneliness, all of it there is always that light. John 8:12 Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, "I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won't have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life." (NLT) I want that light! I hold tight to that promise! The knowledge that Jesus is always there. He is always with me and He loves me. He accepts me completely. He does not condemn me. (Romans 8:1) He takes my hands and raises me up. I am limp with the weakness of my sins, of all the lies that have been laid on my shoulders. I allow Him to lift me up. He brushes all the gunk off my shoulders. All the lint. I stand in front of Him afraid to cling but wanting to. I can feel His loving smile on the top of my head. It is a warm, loving gaze that beams at me. He takes my hands and begins to dance with me. He tells me it is OK to dance. I have given you the love of dance. I see how you worship me with your dance. We dance, we run as the worship band plays. he knows all my desires. My desire and love to run free outside. To twirl in the pine forest, twirl in the snow. To hike in the rain. He has seen me do the things I would allow no one else to see for fear of becoming vulnerable. We run hand in hand in a field...a rolling mountain top. It is so romantic. The very date I always dream of. This is one of the many ways I worship Him. One of the many ways I show Jesus how much He means to me.

I came to Him broken, a rag doll with blind eyes. He lifted me up. He not only gave me permission to enjoy my heart's desires, but He joined me in those desires. He delights in my delight of the gifts he has given me. He has come deep into my heart. I will never let Him go. I so love Him from the deepest part of my heart. My soul. My eyes beam with the freedom of being let out of the prison I placed myself in. I am again reminded of Malachi 4:2. I am a calf out to pasture...I am freed by my Father's grace.

I am so grateful for the love of writing, the love of dancing, the love of encouragement He has bestowed upon me. I use these spiritual gifts to wholeheartedly glorify Him. And as I delight in Him, he will give me my heart's desires and He has! What an honor to dance to the music played by my church family in one of my favorite places with the love of my life! Jesus Christ!
Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires. He is doing this for me and as I type this I realize He does not want to give me all my desires at once or else I may not appreciate them!

The Unveiling of Beauty

(written by: Jennifir Huston)

I'm no ordinary beauty. I have to seek my beauty as He transforms me into a new creation now that I have chosen to believe. I am not who I once was. I have to seek my beauty as I seek God's beauty in nature. It is the one place I can feel extra close to Him. The more I walk, the deeper I go despite the prickly walks, muddy roads, and creeks to get across. I have one favorite place I like to hike, but have to cross over a river on large rocks to keep going. I love this. It exhilarates me! It gets my heart pumping and places a smile on my face. The deeper I travel, the more of God's beauty is unveiled to me. Just as I dig deeper into my own heart, more of my beauty is revealed to me. My beauty is not a beauty that is always seen right away. I must seek my heart to find it. And in the center of my heart stands Jesus, the most beautiful of all!

Song of Solomon 2:1-2

I am the rose of Sharon,

and the lily of they valleys.

As the lily among thorns,

so is my love among the daughters. (KJV)

My beauty is found deep in the woods. My beauty is like the lady slipper, Indian pipe, bloodroot, oconee bell, shooting star, or trillium. I could keep on going because I love seeking out God's wildflowers in the woods. My beauty is the beauty of a wildflower. It wants to be seen, but sometimes I have to look under the leaf such as the mayapple or trillium to see it, but oh, if I take the time it is spectacular. Only I can unveil my beauty by looking into my own heart. By discovering the beauty Jesus has placed there.

I realize all this as I drive home from celebrating Jesus' birth with two of my dearest friends. I feel beautiful today. I watched an amazing movie of women discovering their beauty, their hearts. The Women struck something deep within me. It stirred an understanding that had scorched to the bottom of the pan. I realized that despite my messiness. Despite my less than perfect status in the eyes of the world that I am beautiful and God made me just as He wanted me to be. He made me who I am. He made made heart just as it is. I had to wade through all the muck to see it. He had to show me through a less than perfect movie. There is sin all in this movie. Unbiblical things I had to look past and not judge to see its heart. Just as I need to look past my own sin and stop judging myself so I can truly see my heart.

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted

and bandages their wounds. (NLT)

I am discovering as I go along the path of healing with the ultimate surgeon, Jesus Christ, that I have an amazingly beautiful heart just waiting to be revealed and glorify Jesus Christ. It is a heart full of love. Full of passion. Full of adventure. This is the gift Jesus has given me on this most glorious, miraculous day of His birth! John 3:16 I thank God from the very deepest part of my heart for His undying, unfailing, and unconditional love for me! He amazes me. I am truly enamored by Jesus! Truly!

From Pain Springs Praise to the King of Glory (A Song)

(written by: Tabitha Scott)

The lover before me
Pleads for my sanity
Ignores my dignity
Plays off my vanity
And feeds on my love
He is a parasite
Get him out of my sight
And push him to the right
Pull me out of my plight
And show me Your love

Lord, I don’t understand this
But my heart’s in Your hands
I cling to Your whisper
“Don’t stray for this man
Look only at Me, child,
You know I’ve a plan
Trust Me and remember
Your heart’s in good hands.”

In you there is elegance
And a freedom to dance
Your eternal romance
Is a life full of substance
That allows me to dream
Of a life of adventure
You’re my thirst quencher
For a servant endentured
By a decisive venture
Oh Lord, break me free

Lord, I don’t understand this
But my heart’s in Your hands
I cling to Your whisper
“Don’t stray for this man
Look only at Me, child,
You know I’ve a plan
Trust Me and remember
Your heart’s in good hands.”

I’ve found an escape
From this circle so vicious
Break my chains, set me free
Don’t be surreptitious
I want the world to know You
And the power You bring (rpt)

Lord, I don’t understand this
But my heart’s in Your hands
I cling to Your whisper
“Don’t stray for this man
Look only at Me, child,
You know I’ve a plan
Trust Me and remember
Your heart’s in good hands.”

Don't wait for the Perfect Time in your eyes....

Ecclesiastes 11:4

Farmers who wait for perfect weather never plant.

If they watch every cloud,

they never harvest. (NLT)

I sit on my bedroom floor reading and rereading Ecclesiastes 11. For the past few days, I have kept hearing Ecclesiastes in my mind. Finally, on Sunday, as Rose and I were walking out the door the voice became so loud I had to lay everything down. A little frustrated I might add. Can this not wait? I asked. No. Open your Bible, was the answer. I did as I was told. One thing I am learning in my Christian walk things go much smoother if I just obey. I did. My eight year old daughter stood next to me watching the entire exchange between God and me. She gazed up at me and asked. "What is it mommy?"
"I have to read Ecclesiastes." I told her matter of fact as I picked up my Bible. I opened it right to Chapter 11. I could almost feel my eyes popping out of my head as I read the title of the chapter in my new living translation Bible. This had been such a rough week for me. I had been so out of whack. Feeling extra ugly. Extra fat. Extra unwanted. I had also made myself vulnerable by revealing something deep in my heart to someone and the response was disappointing. I had been hoping for excitement. I was regretting having ever opened my mouth. I was regretting not waiting for the right moment.

Ever since Ecclesiastes had been ringing in my ears. The harder I was on myself, the louder it became. I felt rejected at a deep level. Of who I have felt God has made me to be. This is a project I feel close to my heart. One that I felt would make great use of our spiritual gifts to help so many. And I felt shot down. I don't know why and as I have a tendency to do, I begin to think it was about me but in reality I probably have nothing to do with it.

As I stood in my living room in front of my couch, my daughter standing next to me, pulling her Bible out so she could read along with me, I marvel at how with God everything is possible. He is in control of everything. He has comforted me for a week now with the following verse as I pray to increase my faith.

Matthew 19:26

Jesus looked at them intently and said,

"Humanly speaking it is impossible.

But with God everything is possible.

I marvel at how He chooses to comfort me.

Showing a vulnerability, a piece of myself by asking him to be a part of a vision I have been given, causes many uncertainties within my heart. I had mulled over it for a few days before asking him. Sunday, as I had not heard hide nor hair from him since, I was regretting ever bringing it up because if anything I really had thought I had made a new friend, someone just as in love with Jesus as I am. I can't get enough friends like that! Just ask Tabitha and Asia! As I read verse four, I realized that there was no humanly perfect time to ask. God was telling me that if I didn't go into the rain and allow my hair to get wet, the real opportunity may be lost. If I don't plant those seeds because I'm worried there will be no rain then I am wasting my time. God's time. He was telling me, you did your part. You stepped out on faith. Now it is up to me to the rest. Trust me. He says. Don't try to figure me out or why I do things the way I do them. I did not put this on your heart for it remain stagnant or for you to get hurt. It is up to your friend to feel the same calling. You can't always know until you take a chance that it may or may not rain, but if you don't plant then you are sure to have nothing no matter what.

I took great comfort in this. God was confirming to me that I had done the right thing by bringing it up no matter how scary it was. I had stepped out on faith. I am realizing that God's reasoning's are not the same as mine. He knows the bigger picture. He created it.

Ecclesiastes 11:5

Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind

or the mystery of a tiny baby in its mother's womb,

so you cannot understand the activity of God

who does all things.

I am so grateful that I don't understand all God's activities. I am comforted knowing that He does have my best interest at heart. This week of uncertainties has been a week of the Lord working. The Lord confirming that whether there is a harvest or not I have done my part. I have listened and obeyed. It is out of my hands and in God's hands.

Thank God!!!

Fight to get to the front lines

It is after ten on a Friday night. I feel a contentment coming over me. I am grateful for this contentment. I am waiting. I am trying to be patient. I feel as if I am in a waiting period. I am reminded of the hour or two of filling time as we wait for the flowers to come in on Wednesdays. I think of the calm before a storm. I think of a scene in the movie Glory. The soldiers sit around the fire singing and talking. Having a quiet night. Opening their hearts. All the while knowing there is a battle the next morning. They are content. They have come to terms with the fact they are probably not going to survive. They have spent months fighting for this moment. Fighting for a chance to fight for their own cause. For their hearts. A suppressed heart is a dead heart. A heart full of life and knowing that even in death, you have been given a chance to play your part the best you can is a living heart. It is a heart full of hope. It is a heart full of joy. It is a heart full of the Holy Spirit. Romans 5:5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love. (NLT) The men in the 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Regiment in the Civil War were in one of the first black regiments in the military. They had fought a hard battle to get there. Most had spent most of their lives in slavery and now they were faced with was a new kind of slavery within the Union army. They were not allowed to fight on the front lines. They had to clean up. Their desire to be a living sacrifice for a cause deep in their heart was denied them which was worse than the bondage they had just escaped. They desired more than anything no matter that it would cost their lives to be on the front lines, to be living sacrifices for their freedom. To make a difference. They had to fight their allies for this privilege. The privilege to sacrifice themselves, to die for the right for their people to be free. We fight this fight. We are freed from being slaves to sin when we choose to believe.

Romans 3:22

We are made right with God by placing our faith

in Jesus Christ.

And this is true for everyone who believes,

no matter who we are.

Romans 6:22-23

But now you are free from the power of sin

and have become slaves of God.

Now you do those things that lead to holiness and result in eternal life.

For the wages of sin is death, but the free

gift of God is eternal life through

Christ Jesus our Lord.

When we choose to believe in Christ and follow him our minds begin to be renewed. Romans 12:1-2. We begin to walk with Christ, but that does not mean the battle is over. We still need to work at trusting God to free us from our own minds. We have to let Him into our hearts. To fill us full of His Holy Spirit. To be a slave to righteousness. Not to sin or to our own fleshy desires and fears. The enemy fights hard to keep us from going to the front lines to stand firm. The enemy tries to weaken our armor. To be a living a sacrifice to what is right and in our hearts. To obey God. To follow and trust His plan for us.

I desire to be on the front lines, but am afraid to allow my heart to go there. I am afraid my heart will get shot down. Killed. Buried in a massive pit as the 54Th regiment along with their white officers who were young men. They died with their hearts full. They died the men they knew they were meant to be. The men God intended them to be. They had won the biggest battle of their lives. The battle against those who were "looking out" for them. They put their hearts on the lines the morning they went onto the beach to face the confederate army. They fought them head on, full of courage and their hearts full of love and righteousness.

I have my part to play in God's plan. Jeremiah 29:11-14. I have a desire to matter, to make a difference. I have to free myself from the prison I have placed myself in.

I stand firm tonight. Ephesians 6:10-18. I choose to open my heart. To trust God with my heart and put it on the front lines. I will win this battle against the enemy with Jesus standing over me. The enemy tries to use me to imprison me by making me feel I am not good enough. Even if that means I will be alone for the rest of my life I will still go to the front lines. The end result...eternal life...is worth it. A full heart. The glory given to Jesus as I obey Him and choose to pick up my cross and follow Him. I trust Jesus to protect my heart as I open it up.

I go to the front lines with my full armor on and in tact because I turn to Jesus everyday. I choose to trust and believe in Him. I am freed from sin by His sacrifice for me. A sacrifice He chose to make because He loves me! I chose to glorify him on the front lines by trusting in Him! Jesus is my Glory!!

Pine Forest Revisited

Genesis 1:27

So God created human beings in his own image.

In the image of God he created them;

male and female he created them. (NLT)

I think of this verse as I think of how I think of myself. My self image. I feel I am not so beautiful much of the time. This is not what Jesus wants me to think. He created me. He created me in His image. It is an insult to think I am not beautiful, but so hard to believe it is possible that I am. I think of all this a couple of days later, after standing in the pine forest. My pine forest for those few short minutes I am there. The path is wide. The volunteer pines coarse along the edges of the path. I stand with pruners in my hand. The rain is light and kisses my face. My hair blows around me from a slight wind. I am a mess. There's pine sap on my pants and needles in my fleece jacket. It seems I can't go to work without getting dirty. It's not that I want to be dirty. It's not that I like to be a mess, it just happens. I marvel at God's beauty as He romances me with a ground covered in oak leaves. This is beauty at its finest. My mind rejoices. This is subtle. There is no flamboyance. No flowery effect. I am much like this pine forest.

I am not flashy and there are times I am not even noticed, but there is a certain beauty about me. A certain something that goes much deeper than a flower that eventually wilts. I am this winding path. Even in my messiness, if one takes the time to really look there is much beauty to be found. To be discovered. I spend so much, if not most of my time focusing on all that I don't like about myself. This is what the enemy wants me to do. He wants me to hide away. He wants me to go unnoticed. He knows that those who take the time to stop, to get out of their van and stand and marvel at the simplicity of me they will discover something glittering at them.

I stood next to a volunteer pine and marveled at the glistening beauty the moisture of the rain had created on the green needles of these eastern white pines. A tree I find beautiful and enhancing in an arrangement that sometimes gets overlooked because it is not showy enough. Even the dead leaves in their various shades of brown shine with the fresh moisture of the rain. Rain reminds me of tears. They not only cleanse, but they brighten all they hit. I felt tears in the corners of my eyes and did not realize that moment the Lord was romancing me. he was marveling at me, His creation, just as I was moved to tears by his pine forest.

I try so hard to hide in my shell because as soon as I pop out, I get smacked. It hurts. Keep the tears locked in my heart, because I know glistening, teary eyes draw attention. For some reason, I do not want my beauty to be marveled at. I don't feel beautiful. The Lord tells me differently. He tells me I am. He forces me to show it to others when the tears come to my eyes. My whole countenance softens with the vulnerability. Just as a dry pine forest no longer looks rough it shines with the rain as if diamonds had been placed there. The Lord is showing me that although I may seem a mess at times, a diamond in the rough, I have a beauty all my own. He wants me to stop hiding my beauty.

Why do I hide it? What am I so afraid of? I am afraid of hope. I am afraid to believe I am beautiful. That I can be seen as beautiful. I am afraid if I allow my beauty to shine through because someone is going to come along and show me I am not. It is so hard fro me to see myself as even pretty, much less beautiful. The Lord wants me to see I have so much beauty inside and out to unveil. To share. By not believing I am beautiful, I insult my Father, the Creator. He created me. He sculpted me. He gave me a set of gold eyes that no one else has. He gave me a heart that loves her friends and family deeply. I am beautiful deep down even if I am not beautiful on the surface. I am learning to accept that. I am beautiful in the eyes of the Lord. I pray that his love fills me so much that His beauty shines from within me.

This is not about how ugly I think I am, but more about slowly realizing that I am beautiful and that it is OK to be beautiful. There is just as much beauty in a pine forest as there is in a rose arrangement. I am grateful I am more like the pine forest because there is so much depth there. I found myself desiring to keep following that path and delve further into its beauty. That path is in me. That path is the way to discover me and to really see the beauty that lies deep within me if only people will take the time to stop and really look. They overlook me. They pass me by because what they see is someone who is not that luster. They see the flaws. That is a painful realization. I know that there is so much more to me than what is underneath the surface. I know it is there. There are a few who see it and have taken the time to take a good look and they have been rewarded because I love them so much.

My heart aches with my loneliness and the realization of continuously being passed over because I appear to not be good enough. I pray for the day that that one man will take the time to really look into my eyes and desire to walk that path to find the beauty that never ends but may be a little dusty at the foot of the path.

Father, I love you so much. I am so in love with Jesus. I choose to focus on Jesus because it is a special man who will love me. Jesus has someone amazing picked out for me. I pray for peace. I pray to learn to love myself and walk that path of beauty within myself. I have started on this path. I have seen the beauty that is inside me. I desire to know more of who the Lord made me to be. I delve deep into my own heart where the Holy Spirit is with me always. It is through the beauty and love of the Holy Spirit, my beauty shines! It is there...I just need to polish it!

Peace by Loneliness

I am reading Luke 7:11-17. Jesus brings the widow's son back to life. She did not ask. Jesus saw her pain and out of compassion and love gave her son back to her. There are times he instantly gratifies our desires, but more often then not he does not. I realized this morning as I read this that there is a reason for this. If he instantly gratified all our desires we would stop turning to him. We would stop striving to be close to him. He has not instantly appeased my loneliness by revealing the man he has planned for me for this reason. He is growing me. He is teaching me. He is guiding me. He wants me to only turn to Him and if he sent my husband too soon I could lose sight of Jesus in my adoration of a husband. As Mark Driscoll explained in his sermon Dating from the Religion Saves series we must all go through a season of singleness. The Lord has work for me to do that I can only do during this season. So, it is cold, so what? I'll put on a coat. I feel He allows for me to feel the agony of loneliness so I may grow closer to Him. Turn to Him. In my darkest moments He always reminds me of Psalm 16:10 For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your holy one to rot in the grave. This to me is a promise that now I have Christ in my life, I will never be alone again. Even in my darkest moments, a light always shines! He wants me to know that I am truly loved. That I do not need a man to be happy. I only need Jesus. This is not to say He does not want me to have a husband though. He wants to give us the desires of our hearts.

To grasp the fact that although I feel overlooked, I am not. Jesus does not overlook me. He has not pushed me aside because I do not fit a worldly view of what a good woman, good wife is. With Jesus, I feel I do fit a spiritual, Christian view of what a wife should be. No, I am not perfect, but my focus is Jesus! I am a divorced, single mom who's past has not been perfect. I feel I have been judged and passed by because of this. But not by Jesus. He has forgiven me the sin of divorce. He has forgiven me for entering into an ungodly marriage in the first place. He wants me to not only know this, but to understand this. He wants my focus to be on Him. As I watch couples around me, as I go home alone each night, I feel a loneliness, a sadness overcome me. A question burning in my ind. Is this it for me? Have I missed my chance? I am grateful for His patience with me. He keeps tell me, Jennifir, you are my daughter. You are beautiful. I want you to see this. Really see this. Stop believing the lies the enemy has told you through rejection. I do not want my daughter to hurt. I do not want you to be lonely. Jeremiah 29:11-14 For I know the plans I have for you." says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you," says the Lord. "I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own lands." This is only a temporary time for me. He wants me to be happy. All that I am going through now is part of His great plan for me. It is hard to see the big picture while in the thick of the woods and the rain pouring on my head. I have to have faith that the trees will break and a meadow lies ahead with a rainbow and the sun shining brightly. I will run freely worshipping my Father in heaven!

He wants to be sure I will focus on Him. I am getting to a point where I think of Jesus al the time. As soon as I begin to think of a man I might be interested in I turn my attention right to Jesus. I have faith the Lord has chosen my husband. I do not need to make things happen. He will place me on his heart when it is time. He will be the Godly Christian man who will lead our household as the Lord wants. His focus will be on Jesus. He will be the man I have always dreamed of. Not perfect, but in love with Jesus as I am. The man perfect for me.

Over the months I have struggled with loneliness, with depression, with rejection, with patience. It is hard to go it alone. I refuse to settle. I only want the man my Father has chosen for me. A man I can serve the Lord with side by side. I don't know if this is wrong or not,but because this is one area in my life I am weak in and my mind is clouded and I have wrong so many times, I have asked the Lord that when it is time, the Lord will have to show me it is him beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I am grateful to the Lord for allowing this albeit very difficult season of singleness because I know deep in my heart I would not have grown so close to Him. He has revealed so much to me. He has given me tasks. He has revealed many of my spiritual gifts. Now, He is pounding into my thick skull it is not only OK, but necessary that I be who He created me to be.

I am a woman of passion. A woman of many words. I am not too much as the enemy keeps trying to tell me. I am not overbearing. There are some who say I am intimidating. I don't mean to be. That is me trying to hide my insecurities. That is me trying to guard my heart. Proverbs 4:23 The pain is not so raw anymore. The scars are beginning to fade. A peace is creeping in. The lake is filling after the damn has broken. The tears are doing what they have been intended to do. Cleanse my soul. Wash away the ugly pain. A peace is slowly being given to me by an unconditional love and promises from Jesus Christ. He does not intend for me to be alone and because a desire burns in my heart, I know I am not meant to live my days out unmarried.

I embrace these last days of this season of singleness with a peace in my heart, with gratitude. Deep in my heart, I know this season is almost over. The man has has prepared for me is closer than I realize. The Lord has been working on him as He has been working on me.

I have no idea who he is nor will I try to guess. I have faith that grows stronger with each passing day. The Lord's timing is perfect. In the meantime, I will keep focusing on Jesus. Growing closer to Him. One thing I know for certain, I never want to lose this intimacy I have found with Jesus. I desire a man who will understand and respect my love for Jesus. A man who will grow closer to Him with me. One thing is for sure, Jesus is and will always be number one in my life!

Tears

There are two verses that have been following me for a few weeks now.

Psalm 126:5

Those who plant in tears

will harvest with shouts of joy.

Haggai 2:19

I am giving you a promise now while the seed is still

in the barn. You have not yet harvested your grain, and your

grapevines, fig trees, pomegranates, and

olive trees have not yet produced their crops.

But from this day onward I will bless you.

I am driving home from work. It's sometime around five. The sky is darkening up, a little dreary actually, yet beautiful. The clouds are so puffy. They are more beautiful each time I see them. The Lord romances me with this beauty. He knows it is something that takes my mind off my sorrows and makes me smile. It works. The beauty opens my heart. My mind wanders. The tears come of their own accord. I can't seem to stop crying anymore. A dam has been busted. The water gushed out months ago, but there is still much coming out of it. It was deep.

At first I am not entirely aware of my tears until one tear catches my attention. The beauty of that tear. A tear that came from me. The tear slid down my cheek and over the side of my mouth. As it dropped from my chin a simple thought came to mind. Jesus cleanses us with our own tears. As they trickle from my eyes, within each one they carry away burdens, aches, and pain. As they hit the ground, a seed is germinated. Last night we talked of romance. My whole body cringed at the mere word.

Romance? What is that? I realized last night that I have lost all hope for romance. My heart has been broken one too many times, my trust violated. I have been made to feel unimportant too many times. It has led me to believe the lies the enemy has pounded in my head. That I am not lovable. I am not good enough. I am not pretty enough. I am too much. These are all lies. As I open my heart and allow hope to enter once again the tears come. It is no easy task to dream, to hope. I want to hope. I am so tired of not dreaming and hoping as I once did as a little girl. Jesus tells me it is OK to hope! He says hope. He promises to give me the desires of my heart. Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your hearts desires.

I welcome the tears. The more I cry the more room there is for hope. The more I know that my heart is truly opening. I cry when I think of how much I love Jesus! He truly is so amazing. I grow closer to him everyday and the way he romances me makes me smile. Tears or no tears. He truly loves me! He is proud of me. He made me just as I am. I am not too much. I know this because Jesus tells me this everyday. He shows me the clouds. He sent me out to cut in the rain yesterday because he knows I thrive on the adventure of it. I know people think I am crazy, but I love a hike in the rain just as much as a sunny day. The leaves glisten with all the moisture.

I'll never forget how Jesus romanced me with hail as I hiked at one of my most favorite places. It was a small hail, but oh how exciting it was! And afterwards as we drove on the parkway, the rainbow he had ready for us to see over looking glass rock! He loves me so much that he made that moment just for he and I. I am so blessed. I know I am captivating. With each tear shed, toxins are released from not only my body, but my heart and soul. With each tear shed I grow that much closer to my Father!!

Oh my how blessed I really am!!!!!!

rags to riches

Well...here I am again, with that old familiar spirit of confusion and longing.  Why do I get this way so often?  What am I missing?  When I decided to make a commitment to opening my heart as much as I can each day to God and everyone around me, I didn't realize I would end up feeling so pittiful.  I didn't expect to learn new things about myself.  I guess I should've.  As I allowed my heart to be pryed open by Jesus, out came the oozing goop of my flaws and short-comings.  As it turns out, I'm more selfish, insecure, unstable, and sporatic than I realized.  I just don't understand how God can love me so much, especially when He knows my whole heart, the good and bad, and even parts that I haven't discovered yet.  

I've been reading the book 'Messy Faith' this past week, and it's made me realize how much I've built a "perfect christian" model in my head.  I've created an image of what I believe I should be.  The only problem:I fail miserably.  I know that as christians we should strive to follow Christ's example, but I can't even get close to that.  And I know that through the power of Christ I can do anything, but it takes time...right?  Here's how I feel...God, you've told me that if I have faith the size of a mustard seed I could move a mountain...well, I've summoned up all the faith I have in me and given it to you, and this mountain is still here.  Maybe all the faith I have in me just isn't enough.  I'm beginning to see the difference between God's voice and other voices in my head, because when I hear those others telling me it's not enough, I hear another voice that says, "It's ok.  You don't always have to struggle.  Be still.  When you get that armor on, all you have to do is stand.  I'll do the rest.  I love you so much.  Be still.  You'll get there whether I have to carry you or not."

I just get so afraid sometimes that I'm gonna mess everything up.  That I'm gonna get in the way of God's whole plan by making a bad decision, even the slightest one, and He's going to have to change all His plans around over and over again to fix my mistakes.  I think that's my core fear, because it's taken a long time for me to get it into words.  I feel like if I'm not always in the mood to pray, (which I'm not), then I'm not living up to what God is calling me to be.  I guess I've been putting a mask on.  Not to everyone else, but to myself.  I've been trying so hard to be 'good'.  To do good things, think good thoughts, pray 'good' prayers.  And now that I'm allowing Christ to slowly peal that mask off, I'm seeing what I truly look like.  And it scares me.  Is there really just a mere dirty messy little girl under there after all?  And is she really loved by a King?  By the King?!  Wow, what amazing love!  

After I allow God to finally get this mask all the way off, He's given me a promise.  Kind of like how you know that after you finally let the doctor take a look and diagnose you, you get a lollipop (well...if you're a kid...but I am a kid, so it works =P).  He tells me that He's going to clothe me in white and make me beautiful.  Because in His eyes, I'm worth dieing for.

"Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy."     -Isaiah 60:1

I can't wait for my heart to finally be completely full, when it'll throb and swell with joy for the rest of eternity!  This whole 'christian thing' isn't about religion at all.  It's about love!  The other day I was with a group of people who began asking me, 'do you smoke?'  I replied, 'no.'  Then another, 'do you drink?'  Again, 'no.'  And then someone piped out and said, 'She doesn't do anything, she's a goodie tooshoes.'  At that moment, how I wanted to rant and rave and defend myself in saying that I was NOT a goodie tooshoes!  (This is just more proof of how young at heart I really am haha).  But I just kept my mouth shut, not like I could get a word in anyways.  And then I thought '...well, I guess I am..'  And in my head came a soft reply '...but it's not about doing the right thing, Asia, it's about love.  This is love for God:to keep His commands.'  And His commands are not burdensome.  For everyone born of God overcomes the world.  This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.(1 John 5:3+4)

I really love the last part of the verse, where it says that loving God overcomes the world, even our faith!  Through Christ I can overcome my faith, or lack thereof.  I'm so glad I have such a mighty God!  And now my mission is to show everyone His great, unfailing love!  I long to show all of my friends that, whether I'm a 'goodie tooshoes' or not, that's not what my life as a Christian is about.  It's about loving God!  And loving God because He loved me first!  And as I looked around at the group laughing at how I choose not to smoke or drink, I felt this strange feeling, especially considering my situation.  That defensive feeling shrunk away and turned into a soft, compassionate feeling.  How God loves these people!  Look at all their potential.  Every single one of them is uniquely and fearfully created in the image of the living God.  They're all so beautiful..and lost.  

And so my longing for some sort of superiority turned into a longing for relationship.  To get to know them as God does.  Thank you Lord for your great love!  Thank you for helping me not to forget that it's not all about me, as I tend to do more often than not.  As weak and mangled as I am, He loves me more than I could ever imagine.  And it's the same for everyone else.  I'm no better than any of them.  Just because I don't smoke or party doesn't mean I'm on a higher scale.  I struggle so much, as you can see from most of my blogs, with different things.  Sometimes God has to take me off of my 'high horse' to see that.  And I'm so thankful that He does.

Spirtual Warfare and Continued Trust

Now that I finally have more than five minutes to write, I can finish telling you the type of battle wounds I've had recently.

One thing you must understand before I go any further is that WE ARE AT WAR. And I don't mean the war on terrorism. The evil spirits of the world and the rest of Satan's cronies are out to get anyone who is truly siding with Christ. And lately, I, along with the wonderful ladies who are taking part of the Captivating study, have all been under particularly heavy fire.

The week before last, when I first realized that I was under a more intense form of attack than usual, awoke on a Tuesday morning with a really bizarre pain in my shoulder. I woke up with my head resting on my left arm, in the same position that I had fallen asleep. However, when I climbed out of bed and began to get dressed, I found my right arm to be sore. I honestly felt like someone had shot a barbed arrow into my back, right underneath my shoulder blade. I couldn't raise my arm any higher than straight to the side. It took me a little while to realize what it was. But when I did, I prayed right then that the Lord would step in and remove the pain and defeat the Enemy. Instantly, the pain went away; I went about my day in the normal fashion.

The next week, my stress level was increased because it was my last week of classes before I graduate and I don't have a job yet. I barely made it to Tuesday, when I had the wonderful revelation from Jesus during our study. I'd felt like I was going to have a headache for a few days. (I get stress-induced migraines.) Most people who have migraines can tell because the light around their periferal vision is skewed into something called an "aura". I had had an aura for almost 4 days. Well, when we started talking about spiritual warfare, I was sitting in a rocking chair. Right after our prayer, I felt like someone had shoved a sword through my face. I honestly felt like there was a sword shoved at an angle through my left eye and through the back of my head. It was so strange. But I knew right then that in surrendering to Jesus and rejecting all of the lies that I'd believed about myself, I had angered the enemy. I prayed about it in earnest before taking Excedrin Migraine and going to bed for the night.

So, through this, I have learned that even as young as I am in the spirit, that I must wear the Armor of God at all times, and trust that He will take care of me.

It sounds pretty easy to just simply 'love the Lord with all your heart, mind, and strength.'  But lately I've been wondering, am I truly giving Him my whole heart?  It seems to me that as hard as I try it's never enough, I want to do more for Him and feel more of Him.  I know none of us will ever be completely happy here in the world, because as believers our hearts are in Heaven, and until we get there nothing will feel perfect.  Perhaps that's why the inner voice of my spirit keeps whispering, there's more, this isn't all.  And I long to do more.  But I have limitations, like everyone else.  I tend to keep thinking, 'If only I had a car, then I could drive around and do more for Him.'  But then I think, 'well, I might just end up taking it for granted and only driving around aimlessly out of boredom.'  Anyways, that's just one vague limitation.

As of now I'm making it my goal to open up my heart completely to God.  I thought I already had, and I have, but I never really understood what it meant.  And I still really don't, that's why I'm making it my focus.  My friend told me that we must open our hearts daily to God, because we tend to try and take it back.  That explains a lot =)  And she also told me that opening your heart, like forgiveness, is a decision, not a feeling.  Although after a while you can feel it.  Thanks Jennifir ♥

So here I go, not only am I trying to open my heart to God, but to everyone around me.  I'll take a chance at vulnerability and see what happens....In the worst case I'll just break it and get even closer to God.  That doesn't sound to bad right? lol.  I wonder what the world would look like if everyone opened there heart.  How many people are broken?  I'd say every one of them.  We're all thirsty for something more than water.  

Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."     -John 4:13+14

 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."     -Matthew 11:28-30

What a promise.  Sometimes I forget how blessed I am...how blessed we all are...to have the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, love us so much.  And if we should strive to be like Christ, who is God, who is Love, then we are striving to love.  Love unfailingly, as the Lord.  But we will fail on our own.   Thank God that through Christ, through the power of the Holy Spirit, all things are possible.  To learn to love to that extent must take time.  It takes growth.  And what is growth but a series of steps.  So it takes steps to grow in love.  Baby steps at first, but eventually, if we don't give up, we'll learn to run, and then to fly, in love.  I can't wait for that day.

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles;  they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."     -Isaiah 40:31

Revelations and Anticipations

As many of you know, I am a part of a wonderful study based off of the book, Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Our study was last night, and let me just tell you, it was amazing. The lesson was on praying for Jesus to come into our hearts and heal each of our individual wounds, and then spiritual warfare.

When we prayed, there was an amazing prayer that we read together, that had places for our own personal convictions and pressings. I don't even remember what most of it was about now, except that I wholeheartedly asked my Saviour to clean up the mess and anhililate the lies of the Enemy that have taken root in my heart. When I did, I had an amazing vision given to me by the Lord that I want to share with you all. Just as I asked the Lord to reveal all of the lies that I had believed and heal my shattered heart, He showed me an image of me. I was stumbling around a brightly lit room with the ornate handle of a dagger sticking out of my chest. There was blood everywhere on my clothes and I finally collapsed at the feet of Jesus. (All I saw was His feet and later His hands, not His face) In the next instant, Jesus wrapped His beautiful nail-scarred hands around the handle of the dagger and pulled it from my chest. Then, He touched one hand to the wound where it had been, and the would instantly scabbed over. He wiped the blood off of the dagger onto the hem of His robe and then handed it back to me that I may wield it against the Enemy. That is exactly what He is doing through this study for my heart of hearts! He is removing the dagger from my chest and setting me on my feet again on the path of healing and drawing nearer to Him!

The only other part of the prayer that I really remember is the part where we asked Jesus what we are to Him and had Him answer our questions. When I endeavored to ask Him who I am to Him, I swear that He replied with a smile and the phrase, "You are my bright and morning star." My initial reaction was to say, "Am I really, Lord? Do you really think that of me?" To which He replied, "Most definitely!"

This is all the time I really have to spend, since I have a class in 8 minutes, but I will try and write later on my experience with warfare last night. Satan was angry that he had been rebuked on my behalf and sought to harm me in the only way that he was allowed---physical pain.