Pretty Soon

Life is such a beautiful confusion. For someone who doesnt know God, that is. Everywhere you turn there is God's beauty, and yet hardly anyone recognizes it. I used to feel so lost, trying to place the puzzle of this world together on my own. We as a people have made up so many different and bizarre excuses for how the world got so beautiful, how everything began, where it's all going, and how we should live. These have been the greatest discussed and studied topics for all of eternity. But the answer's always been right there in front of our faces. God's word makes perfect sense and is of perfect and complete relevance to this world.

Here's how it happened:

God made the world in 7 days:"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.."(Genesis 1:1)"..By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing."(Genesis 2:2)

Then 2000 years later there was a flood (if you follow the lineage in Genesis 5 you'll be able to calculate 2000 years):"The waters flooded the earth for a hundred and fifty days."(Genesis 7:24)

2000 years after that God sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins, and then rose up again to ascend to Heaven:"With a loud cry, Jesus breathed His last."(Mark 16:37) "While He was blessing them, He left them and was taken up into Heaven."(Luke 24:51)

And it has been 2000 years since then.

We are most definitely in the end times now, and if you read any of the end time prophecies you'll see that they relate pretty well with our era. I'm sure a lot of people already know everything I just said, but if you haven't looked into it, I would definitely encourage you to do some studying of your own. Not so you can be like the smartest person and all prophetic sounding all the time, haha, but so you can deepen your roots in the foundation of Christ and God's Word. I've heard many people tell me before that they refuse to read the end time prophecies and the book of Revelation because they don't want to get caught up in religious debates and what not. It's good for them to not want to put themselves in that situation, but you don't have to be in that situation if you keep your mouth shut during the times when you most want to correct someone.

"Whoever corrects a mocker invites insults...Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you."(Proverbs 9:7+8)

"The prudent keep their knowledge to themselves, but a fool's heart blurts out folly."(Proverbs 12:23)

King Solomon puts such importance on keeping your mouth shut that he restates it over and over again numerous amounts of times in his book. Proverbs 9:7-9; 10:8; 10:10; 10:13+14; 10:18-21; 10:31+32; 11:2; 11:9; 11:11....etc, etc. Get the hint? =p Whenever we're learning things we need to be willing to listen to other people and ideas, and only willing to accept those ideas if they are proven right in the Word. You'll be missing out on alot if you decide to leave out part of the Bible. The entire thing is God's word.

After studying more of about the end times and things like that in the Bible, I've been given more of a jolt to spread the gospel. It's really heartbreaking when you realize just how close we are to the rapture, and just how far away people have fallen away from the Lord. As of now, having all the signs fulfilled, the Lord could call us up at absolutely any second. So don't let another second go by. Right now I still don't know if my sisters going to be up there with me. It tears me to pieces to know that she's not saved yet. Please be praying for her.

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching." (Hebrews 10:24+25)

Song #2

Hiding Place

Where else but to turn to You
When the battle’s raging?
I can’t help but to lean on You
When my path is ever changing
Your glory is beyond compare
While the cyclone round me whirls
My eyes will never turn away
I’m Daddy’s little girl

You sing above me
Of how You love me
Oh, shine your mercy on my face
Tuck me beneath
Your mighty wings
Safe in your hiding place

I am by no means perfect
Nor have I claimed to be
I trip and fall sometimes
And crumble in defeat
But I have a Savior
Who took the blame for me
Look on this truth and tell me
Just why I shouldn’t sing

You sing above me
Of how You love me
Oh, shine your mercy on my face
Tuck me beneath
Your mighty wings
Safe in your hiding place

Slip up

Ephesians 5:10-11

Carefully determine what pleases the Lord. Take no part in worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. (NLT)

As I read this verse I read it in a different light. A light that I need to expose my own ungodly ways when I slip and fall into times of darkness. It is in admitting and seeing that it has happened that strengthen the rope Jesus tosses out to me that pulls me out. Jesus is always there. Waiting to hold me, forgive me, love me, and show me that it is not necessary to slip into darkness. It happens, unfortunately. I am human. It happened this week. I feel I have been under heavy attack the past three weeks. The enemy has come at me with different approaches. The first one was fairly obvious to me. The second was obvious, but physical so it was very difficult to overcome. The third week, this week, well, he came at me in a different angle. He went straight for my weakest point and he knocked me down harder than any time he has. My weakness has been exposed to me though. I knew it before and thought I would be strong enough in my walk with Christ to combat him. I was not. As Pastor Matt shared Proverbs 21:31 with us last night about the horse being prepared for battle to stand firm while the rider fought the fight, I realized this morning that I was not yet prepared for the battle I was brought into this week.

The enemy spent the previous two weeks wearing me down then brought me in for the biggest battle of all of them. He shot arrows at me. I let my shield down. He aims for my heart, my weakest place. My loneliness. I know God does not want me alone. I let the old woman in last night. The woman who had been gone for six months. I let down my defenses. I admit it here and now. I allowed myself to seek validation from a man last night. I slipped up. I am here now to tell you that I have asked for forgiveness. I have asked God to help me repent. I realize that I have an addiction that is not one that will go away quickly. It is an addiction I cannot fight on my own. I have to ask God to help me repent of this addiction. This is a deep addiction. I was warned, but did not listen. I let pride get in the way (and this is when the enemy was able to come in for the attack) by thinking, "oh, I've beat this. I am strong enough in my faith to say no when the time comes." I have been humbled. I was not. I forgot that I am not strong enough on my own. That the Holy Spirit gives me the strength to do the things I cannot do. I tried to depend on myself.

This is a very deep, serious issue for me. It began many years ago when I was a little girl. I have felt I am not worthy to be loved. I am only worthy to be used, so I have turned to men for validation and for a brief second I feel loved when I truly am not. This is a hard thing to really admit. It is hard to even admit it here. This is a problem that goes deep in my heart. I have and will continue to ask Jesus to come into my heart, into all doors and heal me. I cannot do this. I am but a weak, wounded woman. I must turn to my fortress, God. I admit now that this will come up again. It is the one sin that has clutched me since childhood. It is shakeable though through Christ, through prayer. I ask all who read this to please keep me in your prayers. To pray for strength for me.

Today one of my closest friends, who is very special to me told me to run as fast as I can straight for Jesus. I have been running, but I forget that there are times the path is narrow, rocky and the branches of trees protrude and tug at me. I got caught on a thorny bush this week, but now I have worked my way free, but not without a few scratches and having to pick some thorns from my skin. I pray that my eyes have been opened a little more to my weakness. The weakness the enemy goes for so I can see his attack coming. I do have my armor on, but I was a skittish horse that was not prepared when it came time to stand firm. God is working in me. I am growing. I pray that I do all that I can to remember that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil. 4:13

I love Jesus more than I can ever imagine. It amazes me just how strong my love for him is. As I grow closer to him, the more my relationship with him strengthens. He loves me unconditionally and I know in my heart that it is only his validation that I should be seeking.

Psalm 37:4

Take delight in the Lord,

and he will give you your heart's desires.

I love the Lord, my father and praise him for his grace and his teachings!

a battle within

"So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this boly of death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" -Romans 7:21-25

This is definitely how I've been feeling lately. I want to do God's work so badly! And I want to grow closer to Him every day. It's amazing how much I've grown from the point that I got saved 4 years ago until now. But the problem is that I havent been focusing on how much I've grown, I've been focusing on how much farther I have yet to go. I didn't start to become serious in my faith until about a year or two ago, and I didn't start rapidly growing in my faith until this summer. I look back on the days when I was so shaky in my faith, and stunted in my growth. I'm so grateful that God is choosing to reveal so much to me now! I was really just an infant back then, and now I'm still a baby, but a todler one. I'm just now learning how to understand my Daddy's voice, and in what language He speaks. Through His word, through my thoughts, through dreams, He can use absolutely anything in any part of creation! And I've been trying to restrict Him to the Word alone, because I couldn't understand how God could talk to me through anything else. But He's amazing and has helped me overcome that.

Still, after all He's done for me, I long to get out of this toddler stage. I long so much more than words can say to just at least be a teenager in my walk and slightly understand things clearer, and have no doubts that my Abba is there. I'm not sure if this is selfish or not, but my deepest desire is to feel God's spirit around me every single second. I don't want a moment to pass where I feel alone, even though I know I'm not.

"My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest." -Psalm 22:2

It helps to know that David has gone through the same troubles that I'm going through. Yesterday I looked around at all my family in Christ. It was so obvious that the Lord was working in each and every one of them. I almost began to envy there fullness in God when I felt so hollow. Lord forgive me. But now it is more than clear to me, after talking with two friends two nights ago, that I really am in the middle of spiritual warfare. The Lord hasn't given up on me. These feelings I've been having aren't from Him. They are from the evil one. And though he is trying to confuse me and paralyze me in my walk, I know that my God is always with me, and I will continue to trust in Him alone.

"The Lord confides in those who fear in Him; He makes His covenant known to them. My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will release my feet from the snare." (Psalm 25:14+15)

Lord I will confide in You always! And I know that You won't keep me stagnate in my faith. Even now You are growing me, and making Your covenant known to me. And to my family of believers You are working mightily as well! Though the devil has snared my foot, You Lord will release it and use it for Your good and Your glory. Amen!

"Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming." -Ephesians 4:14

"And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." -2 Corinthians 3:18

I know I'll be put through a lot more spiritual warfare in the future. We all will. But I'm so glad that God works in everything for the good of those who love Him. I'm so glad He'll never fail us. And I'm so grateful for His unfailing love. God has been showing me some miraculous things, but my eyes have been shielded. If we keep our focus on God it is nearly impossible to look around us and not see something His Holy Spirit is working in.

Full Circle

Psalm 16:8-11

I know the Lord is always with me.

I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.

No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.

My body rests in safety.

For you will not leave my soul among the dead

or allow your holy one to rot in the grave.

You will show me the way of life,

granting me the joy of your presence

and the pleasures of living with you forever. (NLT)

Acts 2:25-28

King David said this about him:

'I see that Lord is always with me.

I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.

No wonder my heart is glad,

and my tongue shouts his praises!

My body rests in hope.

For you will not leave my soul among the dead

or allow your holy one to rot in the grave.

You have shown me the way of life,

and you will fill me with the joy of your presence.' (NLT)

A most amazing, glorious thing happened last night after a most spiritual night with Jesus. God was working in so many after the Youth Explosion. I want to share something amazing. I cannot sleep anymore it has excited me so much. It is a continuation of my last post. It is concerning the dream of Acts 2. Asia was here last night and we were talking and I told her to read Acts 2. She reads to me a quote David says from Psalms. It is verses 25-28. God had sent me to this chapter for a reason. To confirm something to me. To truly reinforce that Jesus IS my comforter. He fills me with the joy of his presence. In Acts God is reconfirming what David had already told us in Psalms. That Jesus is our savior and Lord and that Acts 2:22 God publicly endorsed Jesus the Nazarene. These are such powerful verses. I suggest reading the whole Chapter. Peter speaks of the end of days. He speaks on how those that call on the Lord will be saved! Amen! He speaks that although his son was sacrificed he would not stay in the grave to rot, but rise again because death could not keep him in his grip. Acts 2:24 But God released him from the horrors of death and raised him back to life, for death could not keep him in his grip.

A couple of months ago, God showed me a verse as I slept one day when I was sick. Psalm 16:10 For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your holy one to rot in the grave. I then read the whole Psalm and saw that "even at night my heart instructs me." I knew this was the Holy Spirit and I also took it as a confirmation that He speaks to me through my dreams. That He guides me through my dreams. This is not the only way he does. Last night as Asia read that scripture to me from Acts I couldn't help but feel tears swell in my eyes as I realized that God had sent me back to these verses through Acts for a reason. He has something important to tell me. Ever since my first dream, I read Psalm 16 almost daily. I am still trying to get completely from it what God is teaching me. What he is telling me. By sending me to Acts, he explains it a little more clearly because it is confirming that the holy one is Jesus and that because I choose to believe Jesus is my Lord and Savior that I am saved. I will not stay in the ground forever. In the end of days, I will be going home with Jesus!!!

And as it hits my heart to tell Asia to read Acts 2, I realize that she needed these verses as much as me. She has had many doubts and I didn't know how to answer her questions because I am such a baby in Christ still. I knew that she could get the answer in God's word and He told me to send her to Acts for her sake as well as mine. To increase our faith and trust in Him. To remember that even if we can't always feel him there, He is ALWAYS with us. He sent his comforter through the sacrifice of his son, Jesus Christ, in the Holy Spirit, who dwells in our hearts at all times! What an amazing gift! My heart does rejoice! And there will be the day I will have the pleasure of living forever with my Father! I have no doubt about it!

And let me say, He touched at least four young women deeply last night! The Youth Explosion was a complete success. The fruits were evident well into the night. Read Tabitha's song! She wrote it as Asia and I discovered these verses from my dreams. As I instant messaged with another amazing sister in Christ and I realized that the day of her spiritual birth was much like my own! God is amazing!

I love him so! I am so grateful to him and the tears of Friday morning were a release for what was to come last night. My heart was open for what God wanted me to see! I repeat in the new living translation:

Psalm 126:5

Those who plant in tears

will shout with harvests of joy.

So much was harvested last night and just a small taste of so much more harvesting to come through our true love of Christ! I cannot reiterate enough just how grateful I am!

Thank you Jesus!!!

My First Shot at Songwriting

In My Shoes

Before this goes any further
I’m running to hide
I can tell that you’ll judge me
By the look in your eyes.
I know I’m not perfect
Why you gotta point it out?
I just can’t believe
That’s what life is about

I’ll take a step back
And take a deep breath
Find in myself
That I can do this
I gotta tell the truth
No more lies
Go find someone
Who’ll see the me inside
Who’ll take a walk in my shoes…

I’ve never been one
To just trust on a whim
But something about you
Has me just giving in
I don’t know the reason
I can tell you what I’ve done
But something about you
Just radiates love
So…

I’ll take a step back
And take a deep breath
Find in myself
That I can do this
I gotta tell the truth
No more lies
Trust that you’ll
Love the me inside
And take a walk in my shoes…

I found a man
Who was crucified
I can hear him whisper
“It will all be alright.
Just trust in me and
Accept My good news
Because I am the one
Who has truly walked in your shoes

Jesus is my comforter!

My dreams were all crazy and muddled last night. Not necessarily bad. There was one part of my dreams that was amazing and I so love when God does this to me. He kept showing me scripture, not exact wording, that He is my comforter. All I could remember when I woke up was chapter 2 and it was in the new testament. I began to go through the books in the Bible and found chapter two in Acts. In my New Living Translation the first part of chapter two is titled The Holy Spirit Comes. I was like wow. I kept seeing 2:1 or verse 2. I couldn't remember exactly. Many times, He just gives me the address and wants me to look the verse up for myself. And when I did I was amazed and grateful. This is one place He sent me.

Acts 2:1-4

On the day of Pentecost all the believers were meeting

together in one place. Suddenly, there was a sound from

heaven like the roaring of a mighty windstorm, and it filled

the house where they were sitting.

Then, what looked like flames or tongues of fire appeared

and settled on each of them. And everyone present was filled

with the Holy Spirit and speaking in other languages,

as the Holy Spirit gave them this ability. (NLT)

What do I get from this? I get from this a reminder, as I have had a most horrendous week yet again. A reminder, that although, as I am filled with the Holy Spirit, everyday, it may not be so dramatic, it happens. I ask Jesus into my heart on a daily basis and many times feel that hug from the inside. I love these moments. It is these moments that really makes Philippians 4:13 come alive for me. It is a physical proof that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me. This week I have had to literally cling to that verse. I have had to be reminded that I should let go of pride and not try to take care of myself on my own anymore. The Holy Spirit is with me at all times and will take care of me. I tried to handle things on my own. I tried to hide how sick I really was feeling and it came out anyway.

I could not cover it up. I did not allow myself to submit completely and let Jesus take care of me and Friday morning I was so overwhelmed and through the help of my boss, had to submit and I felt such a release. The dam broke and the tears flooded.

Psalm 126:5

Those who sow in tears, Shall reap in joy. (NKJV)

I cling to this promise as I feel the burden of the past week lift from my shoulders. As my boss says, I cannot allow you to speak to me that way. You are not yourself this week. Go home and rest. I realized I had not been myself. I had not realized I had talked rudely to anyone. I am grateful she pointed it out to me. I do not want to be rude to anyone. I walked in a cloud of a slight case of the flu for most of the week and I pushed myself to the point I could do it no longer. It was not necessary. All I had to do was tell her I was feeling worse than I was portraying. Instead, of trusting in my comforter that they would understand, I tried to cover it up. And because of this, it came out worse. To my using unkind tones with people. This is not like me. This is not Christ like. I asked my Father for forgiveness. I told her I was sorry. As I sat with her, crying harder than I have ever cried, I remembered Proverbs 10:19 Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut. (NLT) This is apparently a lesson I am having to learn over and over. When I begin to feel bad and if I even think my tone is not going to be nice or I won't have anything nice to say, keep my mouth shut. Stop worrying. Life will go on without me there for a day. I am grateful that she is a strong person and able to allow God to use her to show me how I've been acting. And to give her the compassion to allow me to go home and rest. I came home yesterday at eight thirty and slept until five o'clock that evening.

I am comforted by my Father, the Holy Spirit, constantly. Jesus is ALWAYS with me no matter what anxieties hit me. I am so grateful for this and must always remember this. I ask him to continually teach me and guide me. The enemy keeps trying to get at me during this vulnerable tiring time. This is a test and with Jesus on my side I will pass. Jesus has already won. I love Jesus so very much. I am so very enamored with him. He never ceases to amaze me. He showed me thi address in my sleep as well. One that is so very comforting! Thank you Jesus! Thank you!

Proverbs 18:10

The name of the Lord is a strong fortress;

the godly run to him and are safe.

A Neglected Call

With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of your calling, and that by His power He may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. 2 Thessalonians 1:11
Well, I have to admit that this verse has seriously hit home this week. As most of you know, I've been having a lot of family problems, and the Enemy is seriously trying to give me a hard time. In the past month, my grandmother has had a stroke, my family's dog had to be put down, and we've all been so stressed out. My mom doesn't handle stress well, and instead of trying to deal with it, sometimes she takes it out on the people around her, so we got in a huge fight on Tuesday morning before I had to go to school (oh and the night before, she told me that she wasn't going to let me get the dog that I felt drawn to because she says "it's ugly."). It was 33 degrees outside, and the heater in my Jeep wasn't working. Storm (my brother) checked it out and found that it was out of coolant. We put some in, and thought it was okay. Well, Wednesday night as Storm and I stopped for gas on the way to church and he was still trying to figure out why my heater wasn't working, we found that my Jeep was leaking coolant all over the place. I was not a happy camper. But Dad and Storm replaced the radiator and now it works fine. While the boys were fixing the Jeep, I went to church with mom.

The pastor at her church was the pastor at the church I grew up in, and he is a great man of God. Well, last night he really set me to thinking about some things. Last night, Barry taught on Samson. For those of you who don't know the story of Samson, the section I'll be referring to is Judges 15. This is the story about how Samson killed the thousand Philistines with the jawbone of a donkey. I'd heard this taught before, and at first, I didn't really think much about it, but after talking about the story, Barry made a statement that struck me. He said that he thought that near the beginning of the story Samson was manipulating the gift that God gave him to fulfill the own pleasures of his heart instead of using it to do what God wanted him to do.

Now, flash back to Sunday night. I was talking to one of my best friends online about the service that morning. Andrew is usually the sound guy at church, but he wasn't feeling well Sunday so he missed the service, and we were talking about what he missed. For a few weeks in our college class, we've been bouncing around ideas about ways to keep the worship music from becoming stagnant, and just a habit, so when I mentioned a song we sang, we sort of chuckled. We've sung that same song for the last four weeks, and then it comes on the only Christian radio station we have around here a lot, so I've gotten tired of the song. It is a wonderful song with a fabulous meaning that blesses God, but when you hear it/sing it that much, it starts to lose its meaning. I said something like that to Andrew, and he popped out with, "Well, why don't you write us a new song?" That kind of shocked me.

In the church I grew up in, there were four of us who sang together and sang solos, etc., in front of the church a lot. The only problem was that after a while, the people of the church took advantage of our youth (we were probably thirteen) and put us up in front of the church for entertainment. They distorted the beauty that we wanted to present to our Saviour into something derogatory, so we stopped singing altogether. I haven't sung in front of anyone else (besides in the car) since I turned sixteen. That's been six years. Andrew knew me then, and he's heard me sing, and he's been trying to get me to help lead worship since I started going to Faith. At first, I just said no, and was all uptight about it. I was afraid that it would become what it had before, and I was not going to let it happen again, so I just haven't tried. But here lately, it just keeps coming up in conversation, so when Barry said that we all needed to be careful that we weren't using the gifts that God had given us for a purpose that He never intended for us to use them for, it really hit home. I've just been keeping one of the gifts He's given me under lock and key because I was afraid. And He is telling me now that I can't do that anymore. He wants me to become worthy of the calling that He has placed in my heart. I just have to trust that He knows me better than anyone and He has a purpose for me.

The reason I have put this conviction into words is that I'm sure that there are others out there who are doing the same thing. You know that God is calling you to step outside of the tiny little comfort zone that you've locked yourself in and do something for Him, but you just keep questioning it. I'm not saying that it will be easy; however, it will be a blessing. I'm just as terrified as you are. I promise! But our Lord has made us a promise that we can stand on: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7) Let us step out in courage and faith that God knows what He is doing, and hold one another accountable in our endeavors.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm going to try to write a song. And I'm going to let God open whatever musical doors He sees fit to use me in, and not be afraid. Because it is NOT about me. It is about doing whatever will give Him glory. So take my hand, and let's leave our comfort zones! It just takes one small step in the direction He's leading you.

A Blessing in the Making

Delight yourself in the Lord,

and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

I don't know how many times that I have read that verses. I probably couldn't count them on one hand. But here lately, my God is showing me how true this verse is.

The past month has been insane in my family. First, my grandmother has a massive stroke and has to be put in a nursing home. And then the dog that we've had since I was in the seventh grade gets sick, and we have to have him put down. So our family has had a lot to deal with on top of the fact that we're all super busy with work, school, or both. I guess it makes it more difficult that we go to different churches. My mom and dad go to Beulah Baptist, and me and Storm (my brother) go to Faith Community. I guess sometimes it keeps us from properly dealing with things because we all don't worship together.

Well, the past few weeks have been rough, but we all are still making it a priority to continue in our individual walks with God, and finally our family has healed enough from the loss of little Jack to start looking for a new dog. So, a few weeks ago, me and Mom were looking online to see what kind of dogs were out there that we could adopt on petfinder.com, and while we were looking, Mom showed me one that I haven't been able to stop thinking about. I didn't want to jump to conclusions that just because I was thinking about him alot that I was supposed to run out and adopt him for our family. Well, while I was praying about it, Mom and Storm found this little black dog at our vet's office. They loved it, so I thought that was it.

Well, the vet wanted to keep the little dog to make sure that no one would claim it. He told us to wait until last Wednesday then to call back and we could come get it. So, last Wednesday, Mom called and Dr. Reason (which gives me a laugh...like the Voice of Reason. lol) told her to wait until today just to make sure. He said that he didn't want us to get it and get attached to it just to have someone look for it. Mom called back today and the owners had claimed it.

I just felt like I needed to tell Mom about how much I'd been thinking of this dog. And she said that maybe this was the Lord speaking to my heart. The same thought had crossed my mind, but I just didn't want to get my hopes up that's what it meant, since the dog is a bigger breed than we originally were looking for and we don't know anything much about him. But right now, it just feels like it is all falling into place.

And as trivial as this seems, I'm trusting the Lord with it, and I'm still praying about it. (Pray with me, ya'll!) Well, I'm going to head off to class this afternoon, but keep praying with me. I just feel like this whole happening is just a blessing from my Dad to lift my heart after so many hard times the past few weeks. Its like Job, when he lost everything and God gave everything back to him twofold. The dog is a mastiff, which compared to the little Jack Russell terrier we had before...that's more than twice as big. Which is twice as much to love! And I'm gonna praise God for whatever lesson I have to learn in this and the blessing that he is making to me now!

wow...thats all I can still say

God has just been working tremendously in my life lately! I used to ask God to confirm Himself to me, just to help me not doubt anymore. And the minute I took a leap of faith and said, God, You don't have to prove yourself to me, I know You are the Truth, the Way, and the Life, and I will praise you forevermore, God has begun doing amazing things. I thank Him for always saying no to my prayers of confirming Himself to me when I was of less faith, because if He would've given into my testing of Him I would never be where I am now in my walk. And He gave me a great opportunity to talk to one of my old friends last night and witness to him. My friend was going through the same exact things I went through with my doubts. He described them to me better than I could've described them to myself. Needless to say, God set that conversation up for a purpose. He has perfect timing!

What I would tell anyone who doubts God in such a way as I did; questioning whether or not He's listening, or doubting what mighty ways He could work through you, a mere human; I would tell you to cast down those thoughts the second they pop into your head. You should make a vow, and it would be good to do it outloud, saying that God is real! I will never doubt that again! He is not a confusing God, but a confirming one! He has control of my life, and so I will willingly loosen my grip on the wheel. I will trust His word and make sure that everything I learn, absolutely everything, aligns with it. Just making this vow will help you discipline yourself more to cast out doubting thoughts. Satan loves to confuse us, so it kills him when we don't even allow him to whisper in our ear.

Once again, this week, God confirmed what I believe to be a part of my calling once again. Prior to Sunday, I had taken to just not thinking about the whole preaching thing anymore. I was beginning to let my mind wander to things in the here and now. Selfish things that had nothing to do with God, and everything to do with me. I know I should've stopped entertaining those thoughts the minute they came to me, but instead I played around with them and let them take me where they would. On Sunday Brian began to teach about Pastors (it was our pastor appreciation day afterall lol). Throughout that whole sermon, I felt like my heart was trying to jump out of my chest. At the end of it he said something like, 'If God is calling you into this ministry, and your heart is burning inside of you, whether you be a man or a woman, I would like to ask you to stop fighting it and give in to the calling.'

All I can say is Wow...and that's not even the end of it. I was too scared to go up to the stage and ask one of the leaders to pray for me. I was scared that my family would see me as being over-dramatic or something like that. My spirit felt like it was being pulled up to the stage, but my body felt numb. This is the first time I've ever felt my actual spirit, not body, being tugged. And still I stood there and was too scared to go up. But thank God that He's still working with me on that aspect of my faith, and even though I didn't go up He had something else waiting for me. God knows me so well! =P

Well after the dismissal, I began to look for all the pastors. I knew I needed to talk to someone, I didn't know how long I could hold in what was bursting inside of me. The wierdest feeling in the world. I was still unsure of myself, but my spirit wasn't. I can't explain it. Anyways, I looked all around, and each pastor was busy with someone. I began to wander back and forth double-checking to see if any of them were done. But still no one was, so I looked up and thought, 'God I don't understand, who will You have talk to me?' Not 5 minutes later a lady came up to me and began asking me some questions about work and how I was. She seemed wierdly interested and to be honest it kinda made me nervous. Then out of nowhere I told her that my heart had been burning through this sermon but I was scared because I wasn't sure if it was for me or not. She smiled and said 'That's why I came to talk to you.' I was in awe. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. God just showed me another part of Himself that is just as amazing. I'm so glad He's so complex and never-failing. I can't tell you how excited I am to continue seeking Him and learning even more about how He works!

I was told by this lady of God to be patient, not tempted by guys, and to trust in God. I hadn't even told her much more than what I said before we sat down. Still, through the power of the Lord, she told me just what I needed to hear. Thank you Abba! Daddy! I'm so unexplainedly blessed by being called Your child! Later that day, when a couple of us churchies went to Chattaloochi for a picnic, I found some time alone with God and made a recommitment to Him. I know I'm sinful, but I never cease to find different ways to be. Lord I know through You and You alone I am made pure and holy and complete. I asked Him to rewash the white robes He originally gave me, and I made a vow to repent of the thoughts and things I had been entertaining in my heart.

Pastor Matt was right, it isn't about me. And Jennifir and Tabitha have been a witness to me in so many ways! This entire church has taught me numerous amounts of things in just the way they live their lives, let alone what they have spoken to me! I have never left one of these services or anything having to do with the church without God speaking to me in some way through the leaders. I'm so glad to be a part of it. I refuse to ever doubt God's perfectness again! And I refuse to let my mind wander anywhere that's not in His courts. I'm absolutely head over heels in love, and I can't believe that He loves me back. And He's blessed me so much! And I refuse to let anyone other than God take credit for these blessings. I know how much I don't deserve them, and how I never will, and I will praise God all the more when He takes them away, because He has a good and perfect will. I will never question my circumstances again. I love God. And I love my beautiful family in God. Thank you all. Thank you God!

To my Pastors and their wives

I just want to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart for all you have done for me. For guiding me, teaching me. Loving me. For welcoming me into your family. For the first time in my life I truly feel a part of a family. I know what it really feels like. Yes, I have had a family. I love them very much, but it was not a feeling anything like how our church has made me feel. As soon as I walked through the door I knew I was home.

Let me say, I was scared to death. I was a frightened kitten who had been thrown in the bath water. I was newly saved. Not sure what direction to go. God sent me to Faith Community Church because he knew that this church would guide me by His standards. That this church would truly help me develop a real relationship with Jesus. And let me say, FCC has done just that. More so. I pray God blesses everyone there abundantly for you all have listened and helped him take care of one of his little girls. A scared little girl who had no clue what she had gotten herself into. It was a world I did not know much about. A world I had been taught was bad. A world I am so grateful to be a part of. It is Jesus' world. It is astounding I had ever thought it was a bad place. It is the only place to be. In Jesus' world. He sent me to FCC knowing that the pastors and their wives would guide me and teach me. They would use wisdom given to them by God to help a new Christian know Jesus.

It is such a crucial time. The time period after being saved. There is a window of time, if the right godly people aren't around, that a new christian can be steered in the wrong direction and really become confused. I praise God and thank him everyday for placing so many teachers in my path. And I thank God for Pastor Matt's vision of FCC and to have worked so hard with the other founders to birth FCC. For me personally, because Pastor Matt listened and obeyed and had faith in God he began FCC and there was a spiritual ER for me to turn to.

Pastor Brian Cagle said this morning God told him that great things were happening for FCC. I could not help but feel a shiver when God confirmed through him what He had been telling me also. That great things are happening there for the glory of Jesus Christ and I am there to play a part in it. A small part, but a part none the less. Just as everyone who attends that church. Even if it is to share the glory of God's work in the creation of this church as I glow when I tell other people about it. I am so grateful to be at Faith Community Church and to have finally found that family who truly loves me for who I am. I am grateful that the leaders see and want to use and encourage my spiritual gifts for the glory of God. I love my church family and our pastors and their families more than I could ever express.

Thank you Father for placing me where I belong. Placing me where I can learn and grow and glorify you! Because it is all about Jesus! I praise you, Lord Almighty for all the work you have done, are doing, and will do!

Psalm 105: 1-6

Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim

his greatness.

Let the whole world know what he has done.

Sing to him; yes, sing his praises.

Tell everyone about his wonderful deeds.

Exult in his holy name;

rejoice, you who worship the Lord.

Search for the Lord and for his strength;

continually seek him.

Remember the wonders he has performed,

his miracles, and the rulings he has given,

you children of his servant Abraham,

you descendants of Jacob, his chosen ones. (NLT)

God has performed a wonder in birthing a church where God truly moves. It is a miracle and most beautiful! I praise him and I shout to the world how amazing God is for the miracle of Faith Community Church in one young woman's life. Mine.

What a miracle, Father! Truly! Thank you for loving me as you do. Thank you for loving all your children as you do!

I love my Father in Heaven!

Amen!

I hold my shield of faith with two arms

Ephesians 6:16 In addition to all of these, hold

up the shield of faith to stop the fiery

arrows of the devil. (NLT)

Psalm 91:4 He shall cover you with His feathers,

And under His wings you shall take refuge;

His truth shall be your shield and buckler (NKJV)

2 Samuel 22:36 You have given me the shield

of your salvation,

and your gentleness made me great. (ESV)

As you can see, I have really had to hold up my shield of faith. I really had to run to my father and hide under his wings. Cling to him. He held me as I cried. He loved me as only he can. I have not lost my focus on God although the enemy tried to pull me away as he does with all God's children. Even as I hurt, I recognize it is an attack and I sought my father with all the strength I could muster. I am so in love with God. This does not mean I won't face adversity. It actually means I will face that much more adversity. The enemy has been in heavy attack this week. He has thrown many large arrows my way. Fatigue, disappointment, jealousy, insecurity, bad dreams, separation from my daughter, and more. And this was just this week!

I have just had to close my eyes, lowering my head and hold strong to the faith that the shield will keep the arrows from piercing. Just because the arrows don't pierce, does not mean I won't feel their impact as they hit the shield of faith. That there won't be a ringing in my ears or my muscles won't hurt from holding up the shield so tightly in both hands. My faith does not make me immune to pain, it protects me from the enemy's arrows from actually making contact. There are times an arrow is so big, made of the largest, heaviest stone, that my entire body shakes with the impact. It is all I can do to stand firm. To not fall over and this is where prayer comes in. I must stop and pray. Oh Father, hold me up. I do not have the strength to stand here alone.

I feel that if I did not sometimes feel the impact of the arrow, I would not turn to Jesus. That I would think I could fight this fight on my own. It is a reminder that Jesus is always with me through the Holy Spirit. It is a reminder to not take my faith for granted, but to always develop it. To make my faith stronger. To grow stronger in my relationship with my father. I must never, under any circumstances lower my shield of faith. In quiet times or in heavy battle. I must strive never to become complacent. Never! Under any circumstance. My grip on the shield of faith must never waver. My focus must always stay on Jesus.

I have experienced a few heavy blows this past week. I have felt the impact so much that tears flowed down my cheeks. The blows never got past my shield although the enemy tried with all his might. He cannot beat Jesus though! Amen to that! I had to grip that shield with both hands. I had to brace myself and trust Jesus was standing over me fighting this battle for me. I had to have faith and actually reach out to my friends, God's children, the Body of Christ. This week has been more than a small skirmish in spiritual warfare but a serious hardcore battle. I became drained. The enemy tried to wear me down. My father picked me up and carried me to safety. I trusted him. This has been a week that had my faith not been built on a solid foundation, it would have been shattered. I was almost knocked completely down. I never let go of that shield.

I never took God's armor off. I wielded his sword. I stayed in my father's word. It would have been so easy this past week in my fatigue to not open his word. This is a most crucial time to be in his word evermore. Because I am so tired, my defenses can be weakened. It is of the utmost necessity that I keep my sword sharpened and ready to wield, my shoes on tight, my belt securely fastened around a well fitted breastplate of righteousness and the helmet of salvation snugly fitted on my head so it does not fall off. With God's armor I will persevere through this exhausting battle for I am so very tired.

I thank Jesus for staying by my side. I am so grateful for his love and grace. For his strength. I turn to two of my most favorite verses. Philippians 4:13 I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Psalm 16:10 For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your holy one to rot in the grave. (NLT)

Thank you! I praise you and love you, my Lord! My saviour! You pick me up when I fall! Through you I stand firm and strong and only through you!

Amen!

Hug from the inside out

Have you ever just been driving down the road and felt all warm and gooey and happy inside all of a sudden. It struck me the other night as I walked through the basement of Biltmore House alone when the feeling overcame me. I had to stop and just let it fill me up. I realized what it was. The feeling is God hugging me from the inside out. I shiver when I feel it. I can't help but smile. I know security sees me on the cameras when I stop and smile and think I'm crazy. It is a most amazing thing and a realization I made as I struggled with a garland in the Chippendale room. Even during this crazy work schedule, God is always with me. He never leaves me. I am having to miss a lot of church, which I don't like doing. I truly crave prayer night and Wednesday nights and college mindset nights! I need those nights. I'm going through DT's or something. I have prayed about it a lot. I get into my bible before I go to bed at night. I need to be close to Jesus. I feel like I am unable when I'm getting up at 5 am and not getting home until 9 pm. I stay real busy.

Well, in the midst of that busyness there are quiet moments. Quick moments I can whisper an I love you or quick prayer of thanks to God. I have so much to be thankful for. Sometimes I forget this. I was feeling a little down on my way home from work tonight. I was thinking. At what point will I have to stop giving up people and actually get a chance to meet a nice man who will love me? I just never seem to be quite good enough. What is wrong with me? I started fighting with these thoughts. I know they are from the enemy. He's trying to slip in there when I don't have a chance to go to church. When I am busy. When I am tired. When I am stressed. When I am dealing with employees at the Winery who are mad we are in their way. He's trying to come in and say. "See? You aren't good enough." I say to him, "No. I am not good enough but I am made good enough through Christ. You will not get me with this. You will not!"

So, now I want to share some things I am thankful for. First of all, the knowledge that I am given grace just because God loves me so much. Just because I am his child. I am thankful he is always with me and never leaves me. I am grateful for all he teaches me. For guidance. For keeping my eyes open. He is a most amazing God. I am grateful for a job that I truly love although at times I am so exhausted I just want to drop on the floor. I am thankful for so many wonderful coworkers who truly love me. I am grateful for a job. I am grateful for my most beautiful daughter who I am not able to see much of during this four week period. I am so very grateful for my church family and all the wonderful teachers he has placed in my life. All the wonderful, true friends I have made through Christ.

I am grateful for the roof over my head. For cats who can seep the stress right out of me with one purr. I am grateful that God has gotten me through all the trials in my life and taught me something with them. I am grateful that God sent his only begotten son to die on the cross for my sins! Who am I to deserve such an astoundingly beautiful gift! John 3:16-17 For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him. (NLT) I am grateful for the strength he gives me through Christ to obey what he has asked me to do no matter how difficult or painful they are. Without him, it would not be possible to tell my mom what Jesus has done for me. Without him, it would not be possible to hold the shield of faith up and stop the arrows of her reaction when it came. I love my mom. I pray that she knows Jesus the way I am learning to. I am grateful for the constant reminder that the Holy Spirit has filled my heart full with each inward hug he gives me! It is a warm confirmation of what I know is truth. I am never alone. When I first accepted Christ I never thought such an amazing actual physical confirmation could be possible, but it is so very possible and I am so very grateful that he squeezes me with his love! And most of all, as I end this I am grateful for the Bible I will read just before I lay my head on a comfy bed.

Thank you father for never forsaking me. For always being there for me and fighting my battles for me! What a relief to know that I don't have to fight them, but only to stand firm. Ephesians 6:10-11! He is the God Almighty and my faith grows with each passing day as I grow closer to Him!

I love my Father in Heaven!

Spirit of Depression

Although I can't claim to have done much research on this, all I know is that the Spirit of Depression is a tool that Satan uses heavily against the children of God. In the current culture, "emo" is a way of life filled with crying and moaning about how bad life is coupled with black eyeliner. I don't think that there is anything wrong with the style of clothing, the eyeliner, or even the music. I can say this because: 1). We all get down sometimes; 2). eyeliner can be used in the Body of Christ; and 3). There are Christian bands who are played in the mainstream "emo" music scene.

I have been mulling this over in my brain today, and it has been riddling my prayers lately. I am a victim of the Spirit of Depression. I have been my whole life. I have contemplated suicide, and even tried once. For me, taking a full bottle of Excedrin Migraine did nothing except make me sick to my stomach for two days. Now, when I look back on that time, I see that it was the enemy telling me things that I should never have listened to, and that if I had trusted God like I said I did, I would have seen Satan's lies for what they were.

I feel strongly that this method of spiritual attack is most effective on two sets of people: young Christians and Christians who have allowed a certain sin to take over. Young Christians are still striving to find their places in God's kingdom and struggling to understand that God is truly with them always. They have only just begun their walk, and when they stumble and make a mistake that they might see as a huge mistake, the enemy tries to tell them that God will not continue to show them His grace, or some other form of the lie that "God doesn't love you because you did that." This is simply not true. I repeat THIS IS A LIE! This problem was addressed in Hebrews 10. In this Chapter, Paul writes about Jesus' death as a sacrifice for our sin and the consequences of deliberate sin. I think that Satan could twist this passage in the mind of a new believer, and cause them to take it out of context; if the individual were to stop reading after verse 31, it could cause some serious confusion! However, Paul clarifies that God still loves us even when we mess up; verses 35-36 say: So, do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. In other words, "Even though you messed up, God put you on this planet for a reason. There is someone out there that only YOU can reach and only YOU can bring the Gospel of Jesus to, so pick yourself up out of the mud puddle of sin that you tripped and fell in, ask for forgiveness, and let God clean you up. You have a job to do for the kingdom, and after it is done, you will reap the rewards of it."

Everyone has bad times in their lives; times when we feel like no one cares and that we are completely alone. Well, I have good news for that! God promises over and over in His Word that we will never be alone and that He's gonna take care of His Own. Don't believe me? Okay...I'll prove it: Deuteronomy 31:8-The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Psalm 34:18- The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Jeremiah 29:11- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Psalm 121- I lift up my eyes to the hills---where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip---He who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you---the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep your from all harm---He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and your going both now and forevermore. John 15:16a- You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit---fruit that will last. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. There are so many more verses throughout scripture that proclaim that God is with His children.

Now, as to my previous statement regarding eyeliner, I think that we as Christians can use the fashions of the day to draw people in. If you show someone that you understand where they are coming from and that you have something in common, then you will open a door towards planting a seed in their hearts. The Lord will whisper to your heart in His still small voice and tell you what to say to that person. And I think that the kingdom of God can use tools such as eyeliner and music with dueling guitars and heavy baselines to reach the lost community. One example of music that is being popularized in a secular arena, yet is littered with biblical statements is the band Flyleaf. I love this band. The music they make is a little on the heavy side of the spectrum, but the lyrics are beautiful and powerful. Their self-titled CD has lyrics throughout about the things of God, and battles with the Spirit of Depression. Some lines from their songs are: "Do you believe in God, written on a bullet/Say yes, he'll pull the trigger/Do you believe in God, written on a bullet/And Cassie pulled the trigger" (Cassie) "My scars are Yours today/ The story ends so good/I love you and/I understand that You stood where I stand," (I'm Sorry) "All my efforts to clean me/Leave me putrid and filthy/How can You look at me/When I can't stand myself/Perfect in weakness alone/Perfect in Your strength alone" (Perfect), "But who are You/You are the truth/Outscreaming these lies/And You are the truth/Saving my life" (Red Sam)... And these are just a few. And there are many more bands out there like this one. You just have to be willing to explore a different sound to have these speak to you. Some other bands I love that have a good message are: The Almost, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Underoath, Sanctus Real, Hawk Nelson, Red, Anberlin, Nightwish, Paramore (primarily the songs Pressure, Broken, and a few others), and Mychildren Mybride. Open up your minds and try some new things. God might just use one of these bands to speak to your heart!

I love you all, and Goodnight. (Its 2:02 AM here, and I'm still awake...I hope this blog is coherent!)

My purpose?

This week I've been focusing a lot on the future. Long-term, medium-term, and short-term. In the sense of short-term, I've been looking for a car (so if anyone in the Candler area reads this, and knows of a good cheap car, hook me up =P). And as for medium-term, I've been wondering whether or not I'll be attending the year-long program in England that Iain's helping me get involved in. Actually, I'm pretty sure that I'll be going, but I just don't know what God will do with me over there.

Anyways, on to my long-term future, I've been thinking a lot about who I'm going to be in the future. Who is God molding me into? I often forget just how young I am in my walk. I tend to start thinking..'Isn't the Christian walk more than this?' I forget that I'm not even close to being half as spiritually-mature as Jesus wants me to be. But I know it takes time, and I know that in maybe 10 years I'm not going to think the same way I do now. That's a pretty crazy thought..for me atleast. So what kind of work is God preparing me for? Well, this week I asked the Father what it was exactly He was wanting to do with my life. And I got an answer...an extremely scary one that, I must admit, I'm still battling myself with, which is making it quite challenging to write this blog.

First, let me just say this:One of my main passions has always been traveling, and so I assumed that I should be a missionary. I still feel that a traveling ministry is in my future. That's something that God gave me a passion for and I wouldn't change it for the world. God has also revealed to me this week that I need to help people living in poverty, which was a reassurance that missionary work was still for me.

Ok...so here it goes...and this is, in my opinion, something I could never see myself doing. God told me to begin studying to become a preacher. Here's my first thoughts:I get too nervous being the center of attention with a large crowd; I'm way to immature (spiritually and humanly); I'm not very organized; and I've never taught anything before in my life. On top of all of this, I learned another thing about myself while talking to a co-worker. He was telling me that Jesus was fully human and not God. While he was telling me this a battle began in my head. The Holy Spirit was pressing on me to tell him that he was wrong. But I fought it because I was afraid to offend my co-worker. And the first thing I did when I got home was ask my family if I was right in thinking that Jesus was 100% God. Even though I knew it was the truth, I still needed assurance. This made me realize how weak my foundation is. I could never take a leadership position because I'd be too gullible and too scared to tell the truth.

Well, oddly enough, yesterday (Sunday) Pastor Matt spoke on who Jesus really was. He gave many confirming verses in the Bible. He also talked about the passage of Luke 5:1-11. This is where Jesus asks Simon (Peter) to borrow his boat so He could teach. Simon had been fishing all night long, and was exhausted. Yet Jesus, when He had finished teaching, told Simon to take his boat out to the deep for a catch of fish. Pastor Matt explained how back then, that would've been kind of ridiculous. It was a season where the fisherman only fished at night, because the sun was too hot during the day and they wouldn't catch anything. Jesus was asking Simon to do something that seemed ridiculous to him. But when he did as Jesus said, a miracle took place.

After hearing this, I still kind of brushed off the idea of being a preacher. I decided that it was silly of me to even think about it. I'm quite obviously lacking in many of the required areas. So then my family and I went to our (and the church's) first 'cell group' that night at Holly's house. It was awesome by the way! Anyways, Pastor Kim was there, and he began to tell the story of how he became a pastor. He said that he knew for many years that that's what God was asking him to do, but he kept on fighting it because he didn't think he could do it. Finally, after so many years of putting it off, God asked him again, letting him know that this would be his last chance. Well, Pastor Kim went to his room and prayed in distress to the Lord saying, "I just can't do it." And the Lord replied to him, "I know you can't. But I can through you." And now here Pastor Kim is! All because he trusted in the Lord even when it seemed unattainable to himself.

Pastor Kim went on to explain how he didn't have to change his personality to serve God, because God made him that way for a reason. Pastors don't have to talk smoothly, or be the smartest, or be completely serious 24/7. I was in awe the whole time he was telling us this, because these were exactly my fears. God made us each uniquely for a specific purpose. As we closed in prayer I couldn't help silently crying. God has never spoken to me so directly. It felt amazing.

However, I'm still fighting the idea of becoming a preacher...but I'm kinda thinking that maybe I'll just study to be one, and not actually be one...lol. But I realize that God can do anything through anyone that He chooses. "For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose." (Phillipians 2:13). And though It still sounds ridiculous to me, and I'm embarrasing myself by writing this blog, I know that I shouldn't fight God on anything. Please be praying for me to have clarity and reassurance. Sorry about this blog being just a bunch of rambling, but if I hadn't written it I would've just been fighting God again. I'm still tempted to delete it. Well, I just wanted to say one more thing: Thank you so much Pastor Kim for allowing God to work through you, and for telling that story. I'm so happy that God chooses to speak to all of us individually. It still amazes me.

"Very truly I tell you....before Abraham was born, I am!" -Jesus (John 8:58)

"I and the Father are one." -Jesus (John 10:30)

The Force

Okay, I know this blog has been a long time coming, and I'm sorry. I've had so much going on that I haven't had time to post anything. I'm going to try and post a lot more often.

During the last few months, the guys in our college group from church have been all about some Star Wars. They've influenced the group to watch all of the Star Wars films in order, from Episode One on up through Episode Six. I had been unable to watch the first three episodes due to my busy schedule, but I did watch Episode Four. I had never seen any of the films, so it was a completely new experience.

The Sunday before we watched Episode Four, my family and I (and Jennifir and Rosie) went with my mom and dad's church to watch Newsong, Aaron Shust, and a few other bands in concert at WCU. When Newsong came on, they sang an awesome version of "How Great Thou Art" and played some awesome graphics of outer space behind the lyrics of the song. Seeing as how that is one of my favorite songs, I knew the words and I was singing along and watching the background graphics of the beauty that my God created. And that's when it hit me. God is the Force!

In Star Wars: Episode Four, Luke hears Obi Wan Kenobi telling him from deep inside him that the Force is with him. This is exactly like us. As soon as we get saved, God sends the Holy Spirit to live in our hearts. Jesus Himself declared, just before His crucifixion, that, "All this I have spoken while still with you. But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you." (John 14:25-26) Just like the way that Luke gains the knowledge and the strength to accomplish his mission in Episode Four through the Force, we gain knowledge and strength through the Holy Spirit in us. This is an amazing realization!

In order to learn to use our Force (aka God Almighty), we must train. Luke practices following the Force by wearing a blindfold and trusting that he will know the Force when it shows him where to strike; likewise, our "practicing blindfolded" is in prayer and reading the Bible so that when our Force speaks to us and leads us to do something, we will be more willing to trust Him. The more you pray and the more you read your copy of the Word, the closer you will be to God and the stronger the Force will be in you. He will grow your faith as you grow closer to Him. The Apostle Paul understood this very important principle, which is why he wrote "However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has concieved what God has prepared for those who love him'--but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit." (1 Corinthians 1:9-10 NIV)

This is an amazing thing to stumble across through a seemingly random pop culture experience (like watching Star Wars with friends) but at the same time, it is a taste of the mystery that God has begun to reveal to me. It makes my heart swell to know that He desires to communicate so much more to me! And as He speaks to my heart, I will write it here, so as to shout it from the rooftops that Jesus Christ is my King and my Force. I want the world to see my relationship with Him, and to say with some awe that "The Force is strong with this one." That is my current goal in Christ.

Well, now that is is 1:11 am in Western North Carolina on Sunday morning, I'm going to say goodnight and may God bless and keep you all in whatever you accomplish today. I am only speaking for me when I say that I am so blessed and thankful for the opportunity that this blog presents, and for the possibility that I may even trust one life. I love you all!

Bitterness

Ephesians 4:31-32

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and

slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be

kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,

just as God through Christ has forgiven you. (NLT)

As I sat at the conference table Friday afternoon, my daughter waiting in the main office, I sat with five women from her school, and Rose's dad. I couldn't help but feel a well of bitterness reveal itself to me. With every look in my ex husband's direction, every sound of his voice, even the uh huhs he said made my skin crawl. I realized then just how much bitterness I still harbor for this man. As we talked with Rose's teacher and others about Rose's academic issues he kept overriding me. Not allowing me to talk. Making me appear the bad parent who doesn't work with our daughter. I could feel, I hate to admit, but have confessed and am confessing again now, a hatred swell within me. I saw it for what it was though. I suppressed it. I did not allow the enemy to convince me to push back at my ex. I recalled Ephesians 6:12 For we are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against the mighty powers in this dark world, and against the evil spirits in heavenly places. (NLT) I sat quietly and let him talk. I stayed as humble as possible, speaking when I had the chance. I know the truth. God knows the truth. He knows that I too have been working with Rose. That I am doing the best I can and working as best I can to become a better mother.

I had to remind myself over and over that it was not him that was attacking me, but the enemy attacking me through him. I also saw the enemy trying to almost make me relish in my bitterness toward this man. Toward all that "he had done to me" or "not done for me". I have God on my side and he helped me to see that this was the enemy coming at me hard. Through Christ, God gave me the strength to remain humble when all I wanted to do was lash out and say in front of those women. "Look. He's not the only one who's been working with her. I'm just as good as he is." Instead, I allowed him to portray me as he wanted by not giving me a chance to talk. I noticed how they kept looking at him when they spoke as if I weren't there and didn't have authority. I could have allowed this to make me feel small, insignificant, but I know it was the enemies tactic to have me draw on my dislike for this man.

And I admit, I don't like him one bit. I can't stand being in his presence. I can't stand talking to him on the phone. I don't like feeling this way. It's bitterness taking over. I have to let go of the fear that if I am nice, he's going to think I want to be with him again. I have to be nice to him no matter what he thinks. I have to forgive him. I don't have to like him. I don't have to be with him again, but I do have to be Christ like in my dealing with him. I have to give him the grace whether it is deserved or not, because God gave me grace when I didn't deserve it. He gives me grace everyday although I don't deserve it. It's going to take time, but I know the first step is recognizing the bitterness inside me as just what it is. The enemy trying to get into my head, trying to turn me from God. Blessedly, God has granted me discernment and allowed me to see this happening so I can nip it in the bud by forgiving this man. By going to God and asking him to help me forgive. I have forgiven him in the past, but realized the other day that I had not finished forgiving him. It takes time, especially wounds that go deep. I have to ask God to help me forgive him. It is something I tried to do on my own, but it is not possible. I can only forgive him with God as my rock. I can only forgive him with the strength of the Holy Spirit inside me. On my own, the forgiveness is hollow and will not last. My foundation is not strong if it is not built on faith in God.

It is liberating, actually, to realize that I don't have to forgive my ex husband on my own. That is one mountain I can't climb without good shoes, without a good rope to cling to. Without Jesus standing by my side, holding my hand. I read a few verses today that really struck a chord in me. It is part of a song of praise of salvation from Isaiah. I am so grateful to know that God is so mighty. That he can move mountains. That all I have to do is love and obey him. To believe that Jesus died for my sins and I am taken care of. This life is such a small speck of time, only a stopping point. I am wasting precious time on this earth to be a good servant for God if I am harboring bitterness when I could be singing praises of the God Almighty!

Isaiah 12:3-6

With joy you will drink deeply

from the fountain of salvation!

In that wonderful day you will sing:

"Thank the Lord! Praise his name!

Tell the nations what he has done.

Let them know how mighty he is!

Sing to the Lord, for he has done wonderful things.

Make known his praise around the world.

Let all the people of Jerusalem shout his praise

with joy!

For great is the Holy One of Israel who lives

among you."

Tonight I share one important great thing God has done for me and let me say he does many things for me, big and small, constantly. For all of his children. He checked me with the Holy Spirit when bitterness tried to rear its ugly head. He said, "Jen, watch that bitterness. Forgive this man. I will help you." How amazing is that! I never cease to be amazed at the power of God. Of his ability to show me things when I need to be shown. I sat quietly and firmly as he instructs us to do in Ephesians 6:10-11 A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. I put my faith in God and as the arrows were shot at me the shield of faith blocked their path. A battle raged all around me as I sat at that oblong table in a cold conference room discussing my daughter's academic position as my ex husband overtook the conversation. The enemy tried to find a hole in my armor, but never got close enough to see if there even was one and there may have been, but he never got close enough to strike me. God showed me and told me he would take care of it, all I had to do was pray and ask for his help. His help to help me forgive and let go of any bitterness, anger, and hatred toward this man.

How I thank my father for loving me so much to take this time to guide me, counsel me, fight for me! I am so very blessed! I can not praise him enough for all he has done for me! I truly love him! My faith grow stronger with each day. Thank you father for your grace!!

Praise the God Almighty!

My God is not Restricted

I have very bad eye sight. For this past summer I have been wearing a set of contacts that is past overdue. But, thank God, I finally found the time (and money) to go and get my eyes rechecked, and get new contacts. When I walked out of that office, the first thing out of my mouth was, "i had no idea the world could have been more clear or beautiful!" Now that I have these new, fresh contacts, everything is so much less blurry. I can't believe I went all this summer thinking that God's beauty was restricted to my vision. In everything, God has no limits!

Now, knowing this, think about how much more beauty awaits us. This world isn't even a quarter of how beautiful the Lord is. "Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you have planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare." -Psalm 40:5

In Isaiah 65:17-25, the Word tells us about a new heavens and a new earth. It says that there will be no more weeping!!! No more tragedies!! We will all be glad and rejoicing in our Father's land. I love my daddy!! I encourage everyone to look forward to this beautiful future, each and every day, don't let it slip your mind, and know that there are better things coming. This life is just a breath (Psalm 39:4+5). I think we get so caught up in the here and now that we often forget just how short this here and now really is. Our mission on this Earth is to show people who Jesus really is through whatever we do, "whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." -1 Corinthians 10:31

So then, to all my family in Christ, who I will meet with at the appointed time, please, do not give up in trying to please the Lord, do not let the troubles and worries of this world get to you, and stay constantly in the word and don't cease to pray over all things (Ephesians 6:18-20). It really does make all the difference. And do not let anything, whether it be religion, popularity, selfishness, fear, etc, etc, restrict how you allow God in your life.

"A glorious throune, exalted from the beginning, is the place of our sanctuary." -Jeremiah 17:12