Weakness

Do you ever just feel weak? Feel as if nothing is ever going right for you? Ever feel like everyone else around you gets happiness but it is your lot in life to be the ultimate sacrificer by living a single life although your heart does not desire it? Do you ever feel like you'll never have anything? Do you ever just stop feeling?

I do. I have felt this way a lot lately. I have not only felt lonely, but in limbo. What do I really have that is mine? I have a bed, few dressers, clothes, and such. But not much else. I feel like my life is chaotic. I have had a hard go of it the past month and I apologize for not writing lately. My heart just hasn't been in it. I haven't known what part of what is going on in my life I should share. I'm at a point of not knowing where my life is heading. What God's plan is for me. I feel so up in the air most of the time. Just when I thought I had given up all I could, I not only lose one but both my cats. I know it sounds silly but it was a hard blow for me. I want to cry even now. As I drove home from the grocery store tonight with a bag of cat litter for Mamaws kitties, I couldn't help but get teary eyed as I realized this litter was not for my two kitties. I miss them so much. Lovey passed away on a Monday. The Tuesday after, my purse and bible are stolen from my car. I just totally broke down. I got angry. Tired. I can't seem to grasp anything. Life. I just want to rest.

I have had the strongest urge to just give up lately. To put all things I have my hands in and just close up. Work, go to church and live. But I can't. I have this strong desire to serve God. No matter what, I am addicted to serving God. I love that revelation. It is tiring, but He always provides the means. He is always at my side. I know in my heart, even as the tears try to come again, that losing my cats is not what God desired, but He will use it. (Romans 8:28) He will use it in the fact that whatever next step He has for me, they may not be able to go. I know I am also in a humbling process. How can I not be?

I'm having to depend on others. Although, I pay rent, I don't feel like my home is my home. I just feel lost. But at the same time, I know God is preparing me for the place He has for me. Its a lonely street I walk on right now. I feel like I can't go on sometimes. Like I just want to cry. I just want to be happy. I feel as if I am having to make a choice. Live a life of only God and having nothing in life or vice versa. Call me selfish but I want Jesus and to have things in life! John 10:10 God did promise us life abundantly! I'm holding Him to that promise now.

Its just so hard and I'm so stubborn. I'm trying to be a good servant, but I have been weak. God knew I would have a few weak moments and before I was He sent me to 2 Corinthians 12, but especially verse 9 . Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

I really digest this verse and have been for the past few weeks as I realize just how weak I really am. I rejoice in my weaknesses and the fact that I listen, even as I am weak, as God shows them to me to realize and remember that I am human. And it is with that humanness, that weakness, Christ can and will work through me. I am shown that I am nothing without Jesus. And that He can use my weakness. He can perform a miracle in me by giving me the strength I need to do as He asks. And He places a strong desire in my heart to please Him. I want God, my daddy in heaven, to smile down on me!

I know He won't abandon me or leave my side. God is so amazing! My heart bubbles even as I type with my love for Him!

I know this was a ramble, but it is some of what is going through the head of this one, weak, little person who is a Christian child who is in love with Jesus!

Your sister in Christ,
Jennifir

Where there is vision there is hope!

Hebrews 11:1

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for

will actually happen;

it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

It seems a continuous struggle to have faith. I do have faith that Jesus died on the cross and rose again for me. But there are so many areas in my life I have a hard time expressing faith. Trusting in God. I want to and I do know God will and is helping me with my faith. I have asked him to and I know He can. I am so grateful for that. I want to trust God in ALL areas of my life, not just this one or that one. I know God loves me so much that I should have a peace that he has my best interest in His heart in all that He allows to happen to me, asks me to do, asks me to give up, or does not give me when I ask for it. He has a plan (Jer. 29:11-14) and it is all in His time, not mine. I must learn to practice patience. Trust God. It is God's Will! Not mine! What I think is best for me is not best for me at all and definitely not best for God's plans to use me which I have asked Him to use me. I want to God to use me! I am his willing, loving servant. But I must trust Him! I must look at some of the examples of faith God has in His word to understand faith a little more, although it is not always an easy concept for me to embrace.

I was reading in Genesis this morning and had just been thinking about my faith when I started reading about how God tested Abraham's faith. Abraham truly trusted God. He demonstrated his faith in God. Even as he was leaving his servants at a distance from where God was asking him to sacrifice his only son, Abraham demonstrated his faith. He told his servants to wait with the donkey and said, "The boy and I will travel a littler farther. We will worship there, and then we will come right back. (Genesis 22:5) Abraham knew he was to sacrifice his only son he had waited so long for, he had faith that God would provide and alternate and he and his son would return to the servants together. He said WE, not I. He trusted God that much! That's how I want to be! Abraham did all God asked of him although it most surely was not what he wanted to do. It pained him but he trusted God! He trusted God's plans and trusted that God would not in the end expect him to kill Isaac. He allowed God to direct his steps and he placed each foot where God asked him to. God did did provide! At the last minute there was a ram. Then Abraham looked up and saw a ram caught by its horn in a thicket. So he took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering in the place of his son. Abraham named the place Yahweh-Yireh (which means "the Lord will provide"). To this day, people still use that name as a proverb: "On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided." (Genesis 22:13-14)

Abraham passed an amazingly, excruciating test of faith. Sacrificing your only child has got to be the hardest sacrifice of all. Honestly, I don't think I could and I thank God He hasn't asked me to. He has asked me for the first year of my salvation to allow my daughter to spend a lot of time with her dad as He grew me, which was not easy, but nothing compared to the sacrifice God asked Abraham to make. There are many things God asks us to sacrifice in order to prove our faith in him and to grow closer to Him. God has asked me to sacrifice, to give up some things for good and some things for a short while. I notice as I obey I grow closer to God and He gives me something better in its place. It does not make the sacrifice any less painful. The withdrawals can have me crying, numb, even afraid, but I turn to God in those times. I hide under His wings and let Him hold me close to Him. I put my trust in Him. He asks me to do things that seem impossible and then He reminds me in His word that all things are possible with God. (Matthew 19:26, Luke 1:37, Philippians 4:13 are just a few.)

God gave me a vision months ago. A vision I just could not imagine ever doing. He showed it to me vividly. He didn't show me how it would come about. I wasn't and still am not ready for the full fruition and harvest of the vision. God was placing the desire in my heart. Planted the seed. Showing me what the flower would look like, but the field was yet to even be cultivated. I set aside the vision as one sets aside a seed to germinate.

As I drove to a friends house yesterday afternoon after meeting with some band members from a local band who are probably going to play at The Open Door Coffeehouse, I began thinking about that vision. And how far God has brought me in my cultivation. I realize as I write this that He gave me the name before I had the vision. He called it Freaky For Jesus. I thought. Wow. God gave me this huge vision. I had wondered and still wonder how it would come about, but it is not for me to wonder about, it if for God to reveal the pieces at the right times. I must trust God!

I do know it had to begin with desire. God is going to make it huge. He is providing a network and so many strong Christians around me and merging my visions with other peoples vision. My vision is actually only just a piece of a bigger one. New Disciples is proof in that. As these visions come together as a puzzle, I see how big it really is. I am also excited to know that what is in my heart will be and is shared with so many others. That I will not be a lone plant in this particular garden, but a plant among many to be harvested when God decides it's time. I write this now not even sure of the whole big picture, but I have seen my part in it and I trust God will reveal what I need to know when I need to know it and He will provide the means.

In the meantime as I grow, as I am cultivated, I understand and joyfully accept that there is a constant weeding process and there are times the roots of the weeds intertwine with my roots. Those roots get so entangled at times they must be cut away. It is not always easy, but I am so grateful for The Master Gardner, Jesus! And He knows all about this little plant, Jennifir, because I know I don't know what I need. So, I choose to trust in the Lord in all I do. I choose to allow God to direct my steps! He is amazing! He has my heart! I tuck myself underneath my Father's warm, comforting, loving wing!

Thank God He loves us so much!

I truly love Jesus!

your sister in Christ,

Jennifir

God IS Love!

1 John 4:16

We know how much God loves us,

and we have put our trust in his love.

God is love,

and all who live in love live in God,

and God lives in them.

This has been a week of reflection. Of being fed. Of allowing God to love on me. Pamper me. To let go. It has been a week of opening my heart just a little more despite how scary it is for me. Opening my heart means greater chances of heart ache. More exposure to the elements of those who may or may not mean to hurt me. It has been a week of God just telling me over and over through this person, that event, that cloud, this verse that He loves me. He just plain old loves me. I don't need to look for love anywhere but with Him. I don't need anyone but God when it comes right down to it. Why do I keep hoping and looking that I may actually get a chance to find love anywhere else? As soon as I look, my eyes go off Jesus and I lose my focus. I forget who I should be seeking. I don't know how to not lose my focus. I don't know how to always keep my eyes on Him.

When am I going to get it through my thick skull that all I need is Jesus!

I'm just rambling. I don't know what to say or what to think anymore. I want to be happy. I want to have what I don't have. Why can't I stop worrying about what I want and just be grateful for what I do have? So, I'm going to spend the rest of my days with my cats...that should be fine. I should be OK with whatever God has chosen for me.

I'm having a hard time hearing what He's saying to me. My ears are clogged. I clean them out and junk keeps coming out of them, its never ending. I want to truly hear what God is telling me. I have a tendency to hear what I want to hear. I have a hard time discerning what is something I am actually saying to myself not what God is saying. I'm foggy....I can't tell the difference right now. I feel chaotic. I feel like I should hole up. I'm too dangerous to my own heart to be allowed out among the people. I have such a high hope that they get dashed immediately.

I don't even know. I want to serve God! I love Jesus! I want to do what He wants me to do. How can I actually hear? How? I have some blockage! I want that blockage gone. I made a promise to myself, I broke it. I prayed today with a good friend and as we prayed God gave me this verse.

Ruth 3:18 Then Naomi said to her, "Just be patient, my daughter, until we hear what happens. The man won't rest until he has settled things today."

How can I wait when I don't even know what I'm waiting for? That is my question. I need to know what it is I'm waiting for. I'm so weary of hoping. I'm so weary of opening a part of myself then closing it tighter each time I shut the door. Its time I opened that door completely once and for all and took the risk of whatever is on the other side.

My life is in a renewal stage. There is a new step, phase, opening in my life. I can feel it. It scares me. Like jumping into the deep end of pool being afraid of how cold its going to be. Sometimes it is cold at first, but then my body regulates. I don't want everything to be such a struggle for me. I'm worn out. I'm tired of struggling. I prayed for confirmation on this day and God gave me my confirmation. It was not what I wanted. I was wrong yet again. I am having a hard time discerning.

Except.

There is one message that has come out above all the muck. I need to hold dear to that message and give everything else to Him. I give it all to Him.

God loves me!

your sister in Christ,

Jennifir

PS: this was just a rambling of thoughts...not a teaching...just a struggle I am having right now. Please keep me in your prayers.

I got this sudden need to go to Lake Junaluska today. For those of you who don't know, its a small, man made lake in Waynesville, North Carolina. A nice place to walk or sit. As I sat there, I could hear the little waterfall flowing. It calmed my racing mind. My racing heart. I am unsure. I feel lost. In limbo. Pushed out of the scheme of things. A little afraid. I don't know what I'm afraid of, but I am. As I grow closer to a true acceptance that I may never marry again, my heart pounds inside. I feel a rejection. A rejection from everyone because I feel I am not good enough. God is slowly showing me I am, but it is a timely process. Tears gather behind my eyes. Ready to fall of their own accord, in my selfishness. In my attempt at making myself a victim. A victim of circumstance. I can't help but think back to the man who skewed my whole view of my worth as a woman and not be angry. He taught me my worth was only sexual at such a young age. I am angry at him. I have to continuously forgive him and the craziest thing is, I was not near violated as so many have been. My experience was small, yet it has affected me for years afterward and even now. I have to forgive him. I have to forgive myself for allowing it to happen. Even now, the shame is clear as day. I feel as if I caused it to happen. I was too pretty. Too needy even then. It wasn't my fault! I have to forgive myself more than I have to forgive him. Sometimes, it is in needing to forgive ourselves that we are unable to move on. I vow to forgive myself and realizing I was just a child. I was just a child!

And now, I admit, I grasp onto that victimness I acquired so long ago and use it as an excuse. Use it to continue to treat myself as a victim. A victim of circumstance. A victim of life. I need to stop making myself a victim for I am not! I am God's little girl! My current circumstances are a product of my choices. I chose to eat the chocolate cake with the mindset, "Who cares how fat I get? No matter what I weigh no man will ever truly love me." I choose to allow myself to be drawn in by men below the standards I should have for myself, biblical standards, therefore I have suffered many disappointments and heartbreaks. But what good Christian man would want a tainted woman like me? I keep getting caught up in this pattern. I can't help but think of Galatians 5:16-18, where Paul talks about the battle inside of us between the Holy Spirit and our sinful nature. We must ask for freeing everyday if not more. At least I do. I know there is a heated battle going on inside my heart and that is why it feels so unsettled. I see it and know it, but it doesn't make it not hurt.

Why can't I let go of this pattern? I find myself turning to food or trying to vie for the attentions of this man or that. All to cover up my loneliness. Psalm 91 is one of the many places in God's word that tells me exactly where I can go to alleviate my loneliness....so why do I choose to go a route I know I will get hurt? The feelings of continuous rejection because I just don't seem good enough for anyone. I get stuck! I'm so tired of getting my legs caught in the mud.

Why should it even matter if I'm good enough for anyone or not when I know I am good enough for God because I was made right by Jesus' sacrifice for me on the cross. It is only by grace am I made right. (Romans 3:23-26) But it does matter to me, to my human, lonely heart. I am so mad at myself for allowing the enemy to come in and make it matter so much. I am disappointed time and time again by men and other people in my life. I put my trust into them instead of God. All that should matter is that I know Jesus loves me. All that should matter is to truly realize the sacrifice God made for me just because He loves me! God loves me! The tainted one! The one who allowed herself to be shown pornography and touched by the age of eight. God loves me! The one who was a Buddhist. The one who was promiscuous and experimented with drugs. God loves me! He has forgiven me for all those things. Now, it is time I forgive myself! I am just so weary worrying about what others think of me. I only want to worry what God thinks of me. I want my Daddy proud of me!

I am going through growing pains in my spiritual growth, just as I did as a little girl as I grew. My legs would hurt so bad I would cry all night long until I got ben-gay on my legs. It is a struggle to truly learn how to go from being a victim to being God's obedient little girl. I am not a victim. I must wrench free from this pattern. But I cannot do it. I must step back and allow Jesus to free me. But I must ask and believe. (Mark 9:24 The father instantly cried out, "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!" ) I cry this verse out to Jesus. I finally admit that I do have unbelief. That I need help to overcome that unbelief. But I must ask Him. (Mark 9:29 Jesus replied, "This kind can be cast out only by prayer." There are some demons, some patterns that can only be cast out when we ask Jesus to cast it out. I am asking Jesus to cast out my need to be a victim. My loneliness. I have to let go and give everything to God.

I need to stop trying to create my own love story, direct my own friendships. I must follow God's path, not mine. (Proverbs 21:24, 3:6)

Then why is it so hard to obey? To put one foot in front of the other? To step where God directs me? I can tell you partly why it is so hard for me. I don't trust Him enough, oh God forgive me, to allow Him to take over. I feel He won't give me what I think I need so I have to get it myself. I am not trusting in God with all my heart. But with all my heart I want to.

Yes, I am being honest. I am looking at myself. I am sharing my struggle. My greatest desire is to trust God with all my heart, mind, and soul, yet I am afraid to take what is within my reach. And that is all that He has for me. God has so much for me. Why won't I trust Him that He will give it to me as I am ready, in His right time? I am but a human, thirty-three year old woman who has spent most of my life learning how to do things on my own.

It is time for me to realize that I don't have do that with God. I am not on my own anymore. I don't have to create chance encounters with that certain guy I am interested in. God will have me meet the one for me when it is time. I just have to have faith in God. Use this time of waiting so that I may grow closer in my relationship with Jesus. I have wasted so many precious moments hoping that special someone is around the corner, always looking for him. And maybe he is, but how will I know if I don't follow in Jesus' footsteps instead of trying to create my own path?

I have felt blah. Out of sorts. I know I am in yet another transition stage. I can't see anything as in a movie when it goes to the next scene. There's that split second transition of blackness. It may not feel split second to me right now, but it is. In God's time. And as that transition fades and moves me into the next step I will be that much closer to Jesus.

I am so grateful for all I have learned, am learning and will learn. It is no easy path, but it is the path to the light. The eternal life I yearn for. True love. True acceptance. Eternal life. And the only way there is through Jesus Christ. I choose to pick up my cross, bear it, and walk that path through the rocky terrain, the level ground, the steep mountain sides, during heavy downpours and light drizzles. I choose to walk in the way. Straight for Jesus Christ.

your sister in Christ,

Jennifir

I am cleansed by the blood of Jesus

(written by Jennifir)

Isaiah 1:25

I will raise my fist against you.

I will melt you down and skim off your slag.

I will remove all your impurities.

This verse touches me deeply. This is what has been going on in my life. As a walking dead woman, a sinner who had to yet to be forgiven, God's fist was raised against me. He could not see me nor hear me. Not until the night of March 15, 2008 when my heart cried out to Jesus and I confessed of my sins and asked for forgiveness and asked Jesus into my heart. Sins that had made a much of my life. A huge mess. A cleansing process began that night.

The first part of any cleansing process requires the removing of the grime. I had grime that had been caked to the walls of my heart for so long it would take a scraping process with some heavy duty cleaners aka the unconditional love of Jesus Christ, to even clean the surface. This process caused bleeding, peeling, chipping away of the original paint. Paint that must be removed because the impurities, my sins, were attached to it. It meant letting go of things, ideas, thoughts, activities, music, movies, even people in order to be truly cleansed.

Once the walls are bare, there is an empty canvas. New walls ready to be repainted, rebuilt, made new. I came out looking, feeling, entirely different. I am not the same person I was almost two years ago. It doesn't mean life is easier, but it is better. I am not constantly laden with guilt like I was. I know I am forgiven. I know there is no condemnation for me because I belong to Jesus Christ. (Romans 8:1)

As I cleared out, shared, tossed the sins and experiences of my meager life Saturday night I reflected on this and realized it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. All that matters is I am not condemned. I am a new person now that Christ is in me. I am transformed from the inside out. (Romans 8:1-4 & Romans 12:1-2)

Isn't it awesome to know that God loves us so much? He recognizes that we are too weak to follow the law of Moses and by His grace sent us the best gift we could ever receive. The blood of Jesus to cleanse us. To wash away our sins. I can't help but be grateful and in awe of how much God loves me as I think on all the sins I have done and yet He did not forsake me. When I asked, He forgave me. He forgot. Even as I continue to sin for I am one of the worst of sinners. He still forgives and forgets and for no other other reason except He loves me. God, my Father, loves me! It is I who can't seem to forgive myself. What makes me think I am greater than God that I cannot forgive myself? But God can and does! It is time I got over myself. Forgive myself and realize I am human and I will make mistakes. I ask God to guide me in my continuous healing as I anxiously await the day I get to see Jesus face to face.

A God who can send a hug through a little girl is a great God indeed. He is my God....my rock! He can do anything. He can move mountains. He can change hearts. He can do what I think is impossible such as show me that I am worthy to be loved especially by Him. God is so amazing and as I contemplate Isaiah 43:19 with an excited heart I cannot help but smile with the comfort that Jesus was and is and always will be by my side. He will never forsake me.

Isaiah 53:6

All of us like sheep, have strayed away.

We have left God's paths to follow our own.

Yet the Lord laid on him

the sins of us all.

If this isn't the greatest act of love, I don't know what is. Despite all my sin, despite straying from my Father, He still sent His son to die for my sins and cleanse me so that I may be new again. Born again. This is why I love Jesus so much. He saved me from the path of destruction I was running on and placed my feet upon a path toward the light! Jesus Christ!

There is no such thing as hopelessness with Jesus in your corner...

(written by Jennifir)

Isaiah 43:19

"For I am about to do something new.

See, I have already begun!

Do you not see it?

I will make a pathway through the wilderness.

I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

I can't remember exactly where I was sitting when God put the image of the address of Isaiah 43:19 in my mind. I was actually sitting. Quietly. No television. No computer. No cellphone. A very rare moment indeed. I have not had quiet moments like that lately. Quiet moments where where I won't miss when God is simply wanting me to see something. It was about a week before the bottom really fell out of my already rickety life. God had slowly been opening my eyes over the weeks. It was that week I truly saw the precariousness of my situation.

I was living a lie. I was going to church. I was going to work. I was pretending everything was OK when in reality my life was a shambles. I couldn't hide it from myself anymore. I was beginning to be unable to hide it from those around me. Those who are close to me. It was time to see, let go, and really let God to begin cleaning up my life. Oh what a stinky mess it had become. I felt as if I were walking on a tightrope that was about to snap with no training.

It was time for the wall of pride that I had built so tightly around my heart to be shattered. Before God can do anything new in my heart, my life, the old had to be destroyed. One of the most painful things I have done recently to to admit and allow others to step in and help me. One of my closest friends had to draw out of me one morning at the altar just what was really happening in my life. I realize now God had a plan. That He knew I was a month away of becoming near homeless. He knew that it was time to demolish the wall of pride once and for all. He moved in me. My friend held me while I cried. She's such a strong woman and her sternness with me is exactly what I needed and she saw that.

I admitted that I could not go on any longer as I had been. Pretending. Playacting. Not paying my rent or this bill so I could pay that bill or this bill. I could not afford my living expenses anymore, actually had not been for months. Something had to change. Something had to give and it started with that wall of pride. I felt it crumble in a heap at my feet. I felt the rubble being cleaned from around the ground I stood as I told her. As I told my pastor and his wife. As I asked for prayer on the next Wednesday night. God was showing me: You can't do any of this on your own. I will provide. Let me bless this church family you are a part of who truly loves you by allowing them to love on you. Oh my, that was hard. To allow them to step in and help me. Guide me. Teach me. As the rubble was brushed from my shoulders and feet. I began to feel lighter.

I began to see the something new. God has given me a new life. A new chance. He has made a pathway through the wilderness of hopelessness. I was so deep in it. I could not see anything around me. He placed me on the heart of people who truly love me. They offered me a place to live. A new home. And none too soon. Not long after that I received a summons to small claims court. My landlord was suing me for back rent. I had thought we had discussed and worked out that I was going to pay him back. I understand his concerns as well. But I was still devastated and scared. I couldn't pay it all at once. There was no way. I went to court and it worked out just as it should. I have to pay it back, which I planned, but now, I have longer to do so.

Something new. As I sit at Mamaw's kitchen table in my new home, I realize just how light I feel. Jesus took my burdens from me. He lightened my load. God is cleaning my life up so I may focus on Him and serve Him without so many worries. He promises He will provide the means to do as He has called us to do. This cleanup is a part of the process of providing the means. He amazes me so!

This is not all to say that there are not consequences from my bad choices, but there is a peace in my heart I haven't felt since the night I was saved. He has saved me yet again! Amen to that. There is the first salvation of acknowledging Jesus as my savior, but there is the daily, hourly, sometimes every minute salvation I seem to need a lot. From my sinful nature. (Galatians 5:16-18) I must be saved from my sinful nature so I may serve God with a clean, open heart. There is a constant battle waged around us and within us we don't always see. Our sinful nature still lives within us and battles with the Holy Spirit who we desire to follow. It helps me to be aware that I cannot fight this fight. That I need to let go, allow the Holy Spirit to fill me and fight the battle. I must stand firm as God instructs in Ephesians 6. As He instructs in 2 Chronicles 20:15-20. Just stand still and praise the Lord. That's all we have to do...love our heavenly Father! Nothing can crush satan more than hearing our shouts of adoration for our Father even as the odds seemed to be stacked against us. There i s no obstacle too big for God.

For nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37)

It all boils down to faith. I have faith even as the storm rages around me that God loves me and will hold me as I ride the rough waters in His very secure boat. I have to trust in Him that I will not drown and He will deliver me. I have not stopped praising Him. I tell Jesus everyday just how much I love Him!

My life has entered a new chapter written by Him. I am ecstatic and excited to see the plans He has for me.

I am in love with Jesus!

Pebble in my heart

(written by Jennifir)

Habakkuk 3:19

The Sovereign Lord is my strength!

He makes me as surefooted as a deer,

able to tread upon the heights.

Jesus is the pebble. My heart a calm pool of water. He drops gracefully into the very center of my heart as soon as I invite Him in. The ripples flow all around Him. The waters of my heart are stirred. At times, it seems so calm on the surface. The ripples are smooth, in a perfect circle. They reach out to the waters around me. The calm hearts that surround me. The pebble stirs my waters from deep within. The wellspring of who I am now that I belong to Him. (Proverbs 4:23) Jesus changes me from the inside out. My desires transform slowly into His desires. The ripples break the further they go as they hit rocks or other obstacles. It is peaceful having a calm heart, yet unfulfilled. I desire my heart to be stirred. The ripples of my love for God touch all those they overlap. I drink of the Holy Spirit. I am so thirsty that I don't pay attention to the excess spilling from my heart. Splashing onto those around me. That they too may be blessed with God's love. I say Jesus is a pebble, but in my life He has been more of a large boulder! This is not a bad thing.

When I asked Him into my heart, there was a huge splash! The biggest droplets of water one could imagine splashed hard onto spectators around me. Some ran as far as they could, others became as thirsty as me. They very essence of who I thought I was was completely shaken up. Everything inside was rearranged and shifted. It was shocking, like jumping into the deep end of a very cold pool. But once the shock wore off, I was completely submerged and my body had regulated to the new temperature. Don't get me wrong. My hair gets all tangly and water in my eyes, but the temperature of my life will never be the same. I was forever changed the first time I asked the boulder of Jesus Christ into the calm, hardened, cold pool of my heart. I have asked Him to jump time and time again. Sometimes, it is just a pebble, sometimes a large rock. Whatever He deemed necessary for me to learn. However shaken up He felt was necessary for me to move forward in my walk with Him. But there will never be the splash of that first time. The birth splash! The splash that broke all the locks on my heart.

I've been reading this book called Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. As I read it, I see that I am very much like the main character, Much-Afraid. I'm afraid of so much around me. I'm afraid of commitment, even to God. I'm afraid to trust. To have faith. I desire these things so much, above everything else, yet I'm afraid to completely yield myself to God.

There's a small part me that feels I am the one He will decide to not come through for. That He will ask me to never marry again. To never have a small slice of happiness. That I am destined to live a life of acceptance of joy of how it is now. I'm afraid to hope for the future. I'm afraid to believe that I am allowed to dream. I find myself dreaming of something and immediately squashing it. Telling myself: Who do you think you are? You'll never have that. It hurts. It is my lameness right now. I'm not saying any of this is true. I'm just saying that my mind thinks these things. I have been reading Song of Solomon the past couple of days. God has sent me there a couple of different ways. I'm still not sure what His message is. I've read it twice today. One verse that does hit me hard is 1:13 My lover is like a sachet of myrrh lying between my breasts. Last time, God had me in the Song of Solomon this verse stood out. He's having to show me again. Jesus, that boulder, that pebble, the Holy Spirit, is your lover. He resides deep in my heart between my breasts. He is the Holy Spirit. He is always with me.

I just want to reach those high places. I am an impatient, little goose. I am God's little goose. I want it all now. I want to stand on top of the mountain, whole and happy, now. What a product of the microwave generation I am! I am like Much-Afraid, I see myself as lame and unworthy. I can't imagine myself as a completely different person. The one God actually intended me to be. How can I, of all people go to the high places, Heaven, where I must be perfect. Although, I know I am going to heaven. The seed of the Holy Spirit lies deep within my heart. I believe Jesus was born as a man, died and rose again for my sin. Whoa! Me...little old me...that ugly duckling who hardly anyone takes a second glance at. But I know the answer to this question. I am imperfect in the world's eyes, in my eyes, but not God's. He is using these times of suffering. These times of hardship to mold me. To prune me into the perfect little goose for Him. In His eyes I am perfect. He is working on me as I write. I have to remain still. I keep wanting to wiggle around. Fight Him. Don't I realize if I sit still it will be more of a calm rippling rather than a huge wave crashing down on me.

Why am I unable to sit still? My mind does not want to slow down. The waters of my heart need to remain calm no matter the storm raging around me. I have to trust in God, even when it seems He is leading me to the darkest corners of life. He truly only wants the best for me. I know that as part of my growth, it is necessary for me to walk the less pleasant parts of the path. Even go in a direction that seems like it is away from the high places when in truth it is not. It only appears so to me because I cannot see the whole picture. I cannot see God's plan. I have to trust that He does have a plan. I have to follow Him with no question. Stop fighting. Today, I choose to trust God and if I know me I will have to make this choice everyday, maybe a few times a day. I may walk up to that steep mountain feeling hopeless, but when I get closer and really look, He has always shown me how to climb it. He will always provide the means, even if the means themselves seem a little crazy. He could move that mountain but He chooses not to and I am grateful for this. I must learn to climb it, I know this deep in my heart. I want to climb. I even get a little excited. A thrill goes into my heart. To know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. And in that I know I am never alone even if it appears that way. All I have to do is call out to Jesus, but I must push past my fear, my pride, my harsh judgement of myself and call! He sees all that goes on with me. He knows my needs, but He wants me to ask. He walks with me indefinitely. He is forever with me. I must go to Him and seek Him for what I need and desire. In doing so, I submit to his will. I show Him I trust Him. I love Him.

God is an amazing God. He is bigger than anything I could ever imagine. He breathed life into me. I seek Him!